jarp

Tell me people's.....how can one 'forget' that you have a personality disorder?

AH is still not living at the house, but today we had a much anticipated (by me) appointment with his treating psychiatrist who AH has not let me meet until today.

Turns out he was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and borderline Personality Disorder.....before we even MET, and that, along with alcoholism is what AH's psychiatrist has been trying to treat him for...for years....as in BEFORE we met. By the psych's own admission, his patient has been exceptionally resistant to any treatment, and until he chooses to engage in that process there isn't anything anyone can do.

AH's response? He FORGOT that this was his diagnosis. FORGOT!!!! All those appointments...all that blame coming home...all those reports that his psych has said AH drinks because of me, the kids, our life together. BS.

He did say if AH wasn't addicted to alcohol that it would be something else...because that is more often than not the case with BPD. Eating, gambling, spending, sex....whatever to alleviate the feelings.

A whole life built on lies...well more lies than I even knew!!!!

Far out.

I mean I have suspected for a little while he's BPD....it was suggested to me by our counsellor....but he KNEW.

I get why he lied...I do. But I am just steaming bloody mad right now.

And on the suicide thing. He IS a risk. But psych differentiated between non choice (voices tell me to do it) versus choice (I want to die) and said SH is the later, and there is nothing anyone can do about that.

He also said AH has a delusion that there would be nobility in his death...and told AH this is bloody nonsense and restated that kids with a parent who suicides are 3x more likely to suicide themselves. So less than noble.

I'm in utter head spin territory right now.....had to get it out before kids come home.

Oh and AH is on final warning at work....delivered today.....this will be interesting.

allforcnm

This must be hard to take it in, especially when you have little ones you don't want to disturb with your feelings. Im curious if the doctor had any idea why your husband has been so resistant to treatment, what the root cause of this really is? .. I agree with what he said regarding "if it wasn't alcohol" from what Ive read about BPD. In fact most addiction there is something at the root and often its mental health issue. Even in those people who swear they just like to drink there is usually something there before the alcoholism, and usually it goes untreated. What is sad is your husband has help there but wont engage.

Sending you good wishes, and at least now you know... maybe it will remove some of the questions.

Croissant

My commiserations, Jarp.

You must feel like you were ripped off from day 1 with this guy.

Thumper

Wow. What a lot to learn. I'm sorry that he won't follow any treatment plans. No meds or anything? Ugh.

Thinking of you and your family today Jarp. One moment at a time. Continue to focus on your own health and home.

FeelingGreat

Well now you know why you weren't allowed near the psychiatrist, not that you had many illusions on that front.
I agree with the psych about suicide being a terrible example for children. Although some people aren't thinking rationally, to kill yourself for revenge or as a gesture would be the ultimate selfish act.
You've got a lot of digesting to do, hope you can take it slowly and try to use it to understand what's driving AH.

jarp

Thanks everyone. Psych said he won't prescribe meds whilst he is actively drinking and is at risk of suicide. He also doesn't think meds are what AH needs. He has prescribed Baclofen for the anxiety and cravings but AH hasn't been taking it.

He only likes meds that are of the addictive or potentially hazardess variety.

Thumper

That makes sense about the meds.

My xrah was diagnosed with GAD, panic attacks, and maybe depression (no BPD that i know of) after our divorce. He mentioned PTSD caused by me - which I find hard to believe but his reality is his. I can only remember one time I even raised my voice at the man and it wasn't even in person - we were on the phone. I divorced him when he thought I never ever would. Anyway I know he's been on a ton of different meds. It was scary because some of those anxiety meds can be a real problem even though meds/drugs were never his thing. It has been a long road for him and I don't know the details since it was at least a year after our divorce. He had lots of therapy and some incredibly intense rehab for both the alcoholism and the anxiety. I don't know that most people would have access to that level of intervention. He was basically inpatient rehab for a year and lived on campus with intense out patient for another year. He's a veteran so there was no cost to him and since he had no house/car/and I took care of the kids he was able to just drop off the map for two years. It is a hell of a thing. He lives a sober life now but far away. I think far away is by design to keep him functioning. Life gets to big (like with kids) and the wheels start to fall off.

I had a lot of...doubts isn't really the right word....but more stuff to work through when all that came to light. It is hard for me to leave someone for things like that and when I thought of my kids and their future and 'worth' etc. Confusing and hard to articulate. It isn't about his 'worth'. I'm not 'throwing him away' because he isn't perfect or for something he can't help. Correcting those thoughts was something I really had to work on and was another layer of my own recovery. I don't know if you feel that way or not but just wanted to let you know you were not alone if you do.

redatlanta

Good grief.

No kidding to More will be Revealed eh?

chicory

Jarp-

I am sorry for how things are going. It must be very disheartening.

On the borderline personality disorder.... I did some study on that because I have a sister who we think has it. I think the main feature of it is... the person who has it does not believe it is 'them'... they blame everyone else for their problems in life.

I have also read many times that it is one of the hardest disorders to treat successfully, because of the patients denial that it is their personality which has caused their problems in life. Most don't even admit that they have it.

If your husband admits it, that is pretty rare. Perhaps that is why he did not tell you... he does not accept it. really does not believe it.

I am sorry that this is so hard for you...

lillamy

Know what my ex said? "If I had told you, you wouldn't have married me."
Damn straight. I wouldn't have. Who would voluntarily have put themselves in the situations I did, and you did, jarp?

When your head stops spinning, this information may make the road ahead clearer for you. "If it wasn't alcohol it would be something else" isn't exactly encouraging.

Lots of love. Hug those kids. We got some awesome kids out of dysfunctional marriages, right?

hopeful4

He was aware enough of all of it not to let you speak to his psychiatrist. Jarp, you can see what life with him is going to be like, and that could be forever. Only you can decide what you can put up with.

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Tight Hugs.

MissFixit

FYI, ptsd and bpd are linked. Don't know the psych stuff behind it other than both are usually derived from trauma. You can google a reputable med site and read about it.

So sorry for your anger. I understand it. However, at least you know, now. You are armed with better information than before and can make decisions going forward with these new important and steadfast insights.

Hammer

Yep. Get all that. Welcome to this Club.

Getting the information from the T's is an eye opener, huh? When Mrs. Hammer's Therapists notes came into Discovery as part of the Court Process . . . I have seen crazy over the years, but this stuff . . .

I knew she was whacked. Just really did not understand how much. Suppose really seeing and now dealing with it all has opened some compassion in my heart.

Unlike you, back years ago, now . . . she did warn me in her own way upfront -- she would likely be in Therapy most of her life. I figured I would likely need glasses most of my life. Aint nobody perfect. We hopped in bed and things were on.

Rough part with the 12 Step Programs is to be successful, the Programs require Honesty. Some borderlines tend to have a problem with Honesty. Sounds like that is the case for yours, as well.

You may already know Randi Kreger's book? It is an eye opener for most of "NONs" You might as start learning the lingo. A NON is the partner or family of a BPD.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger: 9781572246904: Amazon.com: Books

I now pretty much use this as my Guidebook --

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretakin...mm_hrd_title_0

Here is your new, additional Group >>>

BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder

I am "somewhere" . . . as in "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on that group forum. Lotta information there. I do not really like their Staying / Dunno / Leaving format, or some of their dogma, so I am not real active there.

And if you want WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION . . .

Here is my Magnum Opus thread on the topic. Some of the Youtube Videos in the latter pages are pretty good.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html

Well, Welcome to Knowing What You Are Dealing With.

dandylion

jarp....now that you have "labels" that you can apply to his various behaviors.....ask yourself---will that change anything?

You still gotta do what you gotta do for yourself and your child. You still have to protect yourself and still work on your own self.....

dandylion

Hammer

Borderline is now tracking to be mostly a Genetic, Inherited, Pre-Natal Brain Development Illness.

But even when in the Genetics, it does not always trigger into Borderline.

To "trigger" it into full Borderline, typically a Childhood Abandonment issue (not so much "abuse" per se, as once though and even this article below cites abuse) starts the time-bomb ticking.


http://www.currentpsychiatry.com/art...d15566bde.html

MissFixit

Gotcha. That article was helpful although the scientific stuff was above my pay grade.

unsureoffuture

well the only comfort I can offer you is that at least now you know. Your suspicions are confirmed and you have a clear explantion for his behaviors. This will help you move forward in the future.

Hammer

Good point. This one is MUCH more readable.

Kings and Queens of Chaos | Psychology Today

a sentence in that sticks with me . . .

--------------------

"As children, they are hard to parent," says Palmer. In the absence of exceptional parenting, they never achieve self-regulation or a stable sense of self and never learn to tolerate any distress."

--------------------

Since our kids have some genetic risk and the middle one -- a very good and earnest Cub Scout great kid . . . has some markers . . . I will put up with almost any level of crap from Mrs. Hammer to make sure the kids get what they need.


And this speaks to part regarding origin . . .

-----------------------------------

"Less than schizophrenia but ahead of lots of other psychiatric disorders," says Palmer about the role genes play in the genesis of borderline personality disorder. "The condition is now believed to be 55 percent heritable." Increasingly, the origins of the condition are seen as a classic interplay of nature and nurture.

The parental role is complex, says Gunderson. Children who develop BPD inherit a temperament—one that makes them highly reactive, emotional, and so hypersensitive to perceived anger or rejection they might cry inconsolably if scolded—that can tax even a good caretaker. "The hostile, conflicted relationships that evolve are not, as traditionally thought, a result of poor parents, but of parents whose parenting is shaped by a difficult child. It might take an extraordinarily calm parent to keep a genetically loaded infant from developing the disorder."

Researchers have identified unusually heightened activity in the amygdala, a brain structure that forms part of the limbic system, which governs memory and the sense of smell as well as emotional reactivity. They believe the reactivity gives rise to a hair-trigger temper. In addition, many borderline patients have a specific short variant of the serotonin transporter, or 5-HTT, gene. It affects how much neurotransmitter is available to nerve cells, and the short allele has been linked to anxious, aggressive, and impulsive behavior.

F50Lurker

Oh Jarp, I have read all your posts. My heart just goes out to you so much!!!!! Big hugs.

TerpGal

The ETOH......yeah often is a part of BPD. Its pretty much any self destructive behavior. If you look at the diagnostic critera in the DSM. Its no wonder he "forgot" he has BPD. Like others have said, its all ANOTHER persons fault they did x or y. They are VERY afraid of being abandoned. They think in black and white. There is no gray. People in their lives are either idolized or reviled. And usually the "reviled" part happens when they realize the person they idolize isn't perfect. And that "splitting" can change like the wind. They are extremely labile. Can go from bright and laughing like the wind. Several times a day or even hour. They self injure and or have eating disorders. They feel "empty" inside. They have no sense of self, which is a really sad thing. They don't like when others set limits. They have no boundaries and when people set them with the BPDer, they can and often do go berserk. They seek attention.

It all comes from a very tumultuous place of feeling empty, terrified of being abandoned and intense pain. Sad place to be in. With that said their escapades are wild. They are a pain in the ass to deal with. They are chronically suicidal. They know exactly which buttons to push and when. They are manipulative. They make up lies to justify "their" version of the "truth". I have a very difficult time with the BPDers when they come into the hospital. They are exasperating to care for. They want your undivided attention but as soon as you go elsewhere or set a limit........boy are you in for it. I seem to have a penchant for making borderlines HATE me. And even moreso, the borderline nurse patients we get. I have been called a "red-headed bitch" by one and "nurse Nazi" by another. I took it as a compliment really. If they didn't call me those things I wouldn't be doing my job LOL. It takes years, YEARS of therapy to work through that. And meds too.

Have you checked out Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? (DBT) Its the gold standard for BPD and was created to treat borderlines? This is from Marsha Linehan herself, the founder of DBT What is DBT? | Behavioral Tech