meggem

I need some advice. I know it’s been a while since I have posted but since being granted my 18 MONTH PFA on September 8th I have been enjoying some peace and quiet and have been trying to catch my breath. However I really need some advice here.

The rules are no contact with me unless it’s about the kids- period end of story. Here is what happened last night.

My 5 year old had 2 friends in the house and they were downstairs in the play room where my treadmill also resides. They came in, were down there for 5 minutes, I went downstairs and asked if everyone was happy and all was well, they said yup. I go upstairs and I’m telling you it was not 3 minutes later and one of the big girls was calling me that DD got hurt. I went downstairs and it seems they got the treadmill started, it went on high speed, my 5 year old was on there, fell and got her foot all jambed up somehow, bleeding and cut. The key is removed, from now on there is no power to the treadmill unless I put the key in and am using it. Accidents happen and my DD knows better. She got hurt and we all will learn a lesson.

I took her and my 2 year old to the ER and she needed 7 stitches. I did NOT want to call her father because I KNEW he would accuse me of “not watching her” or something like that - but the custody agreement states that I have to, so soon as I had a “diagnosis” I stepped outside, called her father and the first thing he said was “oh that’s just great, that’s just perfect. weren’t you watching her?” The call was short, I hung up, went back in and we didn’t get home until after midnight.

He texts this morning asking how she was and I replied. He then asked me for “the hospital report explaining what took place so he had it for his records” I ignored. I get to work, check my email – same request – 10:15 last night – “please mail me a copy of the hospital report”

No questions about DD. No – how was the doctor, was he nice, how did she do, did she cry, how was the 2 year old, where was she – do you need me to pick up 2 year old? What can I do to help? Does she need an antibiotic? Nothing. All he cares about is the report so he can build a fictional case against me.

I want to respond “there is no report” because I really don’t think there is a report, but that will feed him. I want to respond with the questions I mentioned above. I want to not respond at all.

I did my due diligence didn’t I? If he wants a “report” he is capable of getting it himself, correct? I am not responding to this even though every fiber of my being wants to respond. But he wants power over me right now. He has nothing, the courts took away his ability to be abusive, but now he thinks he has me in a spot with DD being injured.

Am I on track here? Someone please translate his motives for me and what my responsibility is. I called and told him. I can explain aftercare and how she is doing, but I am pretty sure beyond that my job is done.

And he is being a jerk asking about the “report” right?

Florence

Yep. If he wants a "hospital report" he needs to contact the hospital. You're under no obligation to provide him with any paperwork. He's acting like you got questioned by CPS.

Kids are lovable dummies about safety. Accidents happen, and he can go take a long walk off a short treadmill.

FireSprite

Sounds like he thinks it somehow helps him that this happened on your watch, but in reality - accidents happen to kids all the time under all kinds of situations. Unless there is NEGLECT, there is nothing to worry over.

I doubt there's an official "report" from the hospital as it wasn't officially investigated like a DV case - probably nothing more than whatever general records of the exam/treatment/discharge info.... hopefully someone with more medical experience can come along & verify.

Sounds like a lot of loud quacking to me meg; kids get hurt even when we're standing right on top of them watching their every move.

meggem

He is. Its like he cannot help himself to cut me down however he can. He is abusing this aspect of the custody agreement because he cannot abuse me. He's trying to build a case on me and there is no case. I hate his GUTS.

So do I respond to him? Won't that keep it all going? Is that considered "engaging" with him - would responding to him be considered feeding the ducks?

meggem

Yup Firesprite that's it - He's thrilled actually.. I know it. and I know he will keep asking for this "report" that doesn't exist. there is no report. I want to light him on fire.

meggem

So do I say - *something like* - *talking out loud*

If you have any questions about how DD is feeling, healing etc please do not hesitate to contact me. That is the extent of my obligation to you.

or would I be feeding the ducks.

Sungrl

You need to ignore his quacking.

Kids have accidents it is not a reflection on you as a parent.

I agree that you are in no way obligated to provide him with any paperwork.

You did what you were supposed to do, leave it at that and you know better then to let him get in your head.

To answer your question above, That is giving the ducks a buffet to feed on.

meggem

LOL A Buffet.....

hopeful4

Ignore it indeed. He is their father. If he wants a report he should contact the medical records for the hospital and obtain it himself, you are not his secretary.

You did everything you should. I am sorry to hear this happened. My little DD turned on a treadmill a few years ago and fell backwards and hit her head on a large metal box. Scared me and her too! She was fine but it was definitely a lesson learned. Kids do have accidents, that is part of being a kid!

Stay calm. You are doing great!

Florence

Neglect in this situation would have been refusing to take her to the hospital after the accident.

I had the similar "not your secretary" argument with my NPD ex for years. Today I tell him, when he asks me to produce paperwork or make phone calls, knock yourself out. Don't know what you're looking for, but go for it, buddy. Glad you're taking an interest in the well-being of our child (usually it's around him saving face because he really screwed up, or trying to nail me to the wall), because usually he does no such thing. I don't say that outright, of course, I just tell him he's welcome to pursue whatever information he's legally obliged to, but my boundary is I'm not his gopher.

Brave

I would just reply very matter-of-factly. "The hospital did not provide me with a report. Feel free to contact them if you'd like to request one."

You can't keep him from doing it, but don't worry too much about it. Accidents happen to every kid, any judge will see right through that.

meggem

Oh I'm not worried about it at all - I agree accidents happen - what I am worried about is his continued harrassment and/or demands about this report and me getting all tangled up all over again in his crap and his possible thought that legally he is "allowed" because his PFA states "kid communication only" - I'm telling you prior to September 8th when the courts granted the PFA for 18 months - I was one level away from having dangerous thoughts in my head - I was in such a bad place. I just don't want to go back there - ever again - I don't want to be in that place I was 3 weeks ago.

ResignedToWait

In no un-clear terms, I'd establish with him that this incidence is over, and further communications with you would violate the PFA.

Maybe something like:
"Childnamehere was seen at Country General Hospital. All paperwork regarding the visit is mine. If you want your own paperwork, you'll have to get it yourself. I consider this matter closed, and will interpret any further communication with me as a violation of your PFA."

Bullfrog

My lawyer told me that during my divorce. "He's a big boy. He's their father. He is more than capable of contacting their teachers/doctors,etc."

Bullfrog

Adding: mine does this to me CONSTANTLY. Down to "You are a neglectful mother. Our kids' fingernails are too long."

It gets under my skin less and less. Ignore unless you absolutely must call their bluff.

ResignedToWait

...if I may ask.

Does your custody agreement actually state that you are to inform him anytime a child goes to the ER/hospital?

Mine simply states that their mother is to "have access to the children's medical records"...which I think is pretty standard for most custody orders.

WendyOR

I would not respond. He is a big boy and has the capability of getting the report himself. He knows how to do this. He is trying to make you feel bad and control you. It is a hook to get you into that pattern of control again. Don't respond. You did what you were obligated to do. End of story.

hopeful4

Yup, he can go to medical records as their parent and obtain the records. If you would do this for him the next thing he will be demanding things from school, all sorts of things he needs to do FOR HIMSELF.

My X tried this too with a few things, I would not do it. I have brain enough how to figure out how to get copies of things, check the school accounts, etc. He can do the same.

meggem

thanks for asking Resigned.....I just went back and looked and no, it doesn't say if the child is sick, or goes to ER or anything like that it just bascially says we have to agree on major medical decisions or psychiatric care or schools, religion and such. Not if the child sneezes or needs a few stitches the other parent HAS to be notified. and yes both parents are entitled to have copies of any important documentation Hmmm....

seems I was overly generous?

hopeful4

I do communicate w/ my XAH if child is sick or minor things with their health that changes their routine, such as missing school for sickness, going to the dr, things like that. I guess I judge it by what I would want to know.

Now, if he started making demands like yours did, forget that.