TerpGal

Of people telling me to leave my RAH. I know I just made a huge post about trust and forgivness asking a lot of rhetorical questions. I do that a lot. Rhetorical questions. I am a very "right brained" (or is it left, irk) person and using rhetoric, well it helps put some logical towards the illogical for me at least. So when I ask these rhetorical questions ANYWHERE, even in Al Anon, I am told to get rid of him.

I am not ready to do that yet and the next person (and many IRL have said) "well when you're ready to leave you will". I am not ready. Not today. I don't trust him or forgive him today. But I'm not closed to the idea of trust or forgiveness either. I don't know. I hate all of this really. I HATE alcohol even though I know it's a disease. I just need to learn how to let go of my anger and all my grudges. It is literally killing me. I am so stressed my neck, back, and shoulders are constantly just locked up. I have high blood pressure. I have anxiety and depression some due to a mental illness I have but a lot due to the poison I am holding on to. I don't want it anymore, but can't figure out how to get rid of it.

ShootingStar1

Coming here and saying exactly how you feel and what you think is a little start. At least the poison isn't building up inside of you.

What you do or don't do about staying with or leaving your husband is up to you, in your own good time.

Maybe, now, for a little while, just think about what you need for yourself. Just for the next hour, the next day. You are what matters, how you feel, how you are living.

Just shelve him for a while and figure out the next right thing to do for yourself.

And you don't have to listen to anyone else wrestle with YOUR decision, or with the timing of your decision. We're supposed to be sharing our experience, strength and hope here, not living someone else's life.

Hope you come back and post about your feelings whenever you want to,

ShootingStar1

TerpGal

Thanks. It's not just resentments against him. I literally have resentments against middle school bullies from 20 years ago that I can't get rid of. So much rancor in my heart towards way more people than RAH. I keep telling myself I don't have to make any decisions about anything today. Whether or not to watch TV, what show I want to watch, whether to find a new job (which I am contemplating and have a lot of resentment toward THAT too). I tell myself that to my logical self but my illogical self doesn't believe it and keeps my mind toiling in hamster wheel to hell. I guess I am addicted to anger and righteous indignation. I am addicted to being a victim. And over that, I am powerless.

PinkCloudsCharley

I am right there beside you. I am so scared to take that next step, as ready as i am I am totally not ready if that makes any sense. I hope, and pray, that my HP will give me that one burst of energy in that direction when the time is right. Until then, it's like people picking at an open wound. I am glad they have found the strength to do what is best for them. I'm not them.

ladyscribbler

I never heard it put quite that way, but wow, so accurate. I was raised by grudge holders. It was what you did in my family. I was so full of rage and resentment and fear. I used to have terrible insomnia because I would literally spend entire nights replaying scenarios from days and weeks and months and years ago, just seething over past hurts.
I still catch myself, now and then, but it is a million times better than it used to be.
I see you are in Alanon, and that is good, but not all groups are created equal. Harping on you to leave your husband is not appropriate. The whole point of Alanon is to get to know yourself and make up your own mind about things. Unless there is real physical danger to you or minor children in your home (which is not the case, if I'm remembering your story).
When I did my fourth step inventory, it helped dissolve so many of those residual resentments. I was able to objectively examine my past behavior and the behavior of others, which was incredibly healing. It was a process of several weeks, and I dreaded starting, but now I regard it as one of the single most helpful things I have ever done in my personal recovery.
Maybe try some different Alanon groups, if your schedule allows, and start thinking about step work if you're ready. It really does help.

Stung

Me too!!!! You know what's funny, it's that indignant attitude that when someone tells me what to do period that I get mad. Not necessarily that I need to kick my husband to the curb. Thankfully IRL, not many people tell me what to do. And take heart, being aware of this stuff is the key to making it subside and taking action to not feel this way so much anymore.

If nothing else, you're so not alone in feeling like this. Big hugs to you!

dandylion

TerpGal......I am going to say this to you, real straight (because I can't think of an un-straight way).

I believe that the reason that others are suggesting that you leave your husband is because of how you present yourself to others on this subject. You have shared a lot about how you have been abused by him "on every level"....about how unhappy you are in the marriage. You sound tormented and unhappy with the marriage....and, have questioned if it is right to stay....... Naturally, when you ask people questions about this they are going to give you answers that make sense to them. You DO ask questions...LOL!

I suggest this...if you already know that you want to stay with your husband....then say that up front. Don't pretend to others that you don't know what you want to do....
then get mad and resent them for their suggestions. I believe that you set yourself up to resent others...who may genuinely want to be sympathetic, or, to help.

I believe that if you say "I want to stay in my marriage and I am here to work on my self and my issues"'....then, nobody is going to give you any grief....

dandylion

TerpGal

You're right. I have been abused on every level. And of course I have moments that I am unhappy. And yup, I DO set myself up for resentment. It's one of my many skills that keep me on the hamster wheel. I don't want to sty there, of course but it's a well trodden path.

Indecisiveness, that is also on of my skills. On good days where I feel like I want to work on the marriage and myself, I don't post here. When I am questioning I do. And maybe on some level I am very foolish to stay with someone who did all that. And maybe I am foolish for staying with someone who I have had to question my happiness about, idk. But I guess the idea is that I don't have to decide on this today, right? Is the trust irrevocably lost, I don't know. Some days it is, some days I am still open to the idea.

Santa

Me too, omg. And XAH, to the max.

Yes - got that from my father and it takes a huge, conscious effort not to be negative and me/us vs. them a million times a day.

CodeJob

Hello Terrapin!

Being aware of this is a huge first step. I gently agree it might not be a bad suggestion to check out a few different Al Anon groups. Remember a lot of these attendees are used to running the lives of others and for some they can't resist. I could see the push to become my sponsor at my home group and several people approached with wacko comments trying to pressure me into selecting a sponsor. I run the other way from such people, shut down, or just smile and nod. Whatever works. Then one day a new person showed up in my meeting and she knew most everyone there. She had an aura about her and when she spoke I KNEW she was my sponsor. Every time we talk, she truly listens to me and she ALWAYS says it is MY decision.

I too have wounds from my childhood. I have strong boundaries about long ago hurts. It turns out I did not get enough parental support and affection so when my peers targeted me as a weak and available target, it was relentless. If only we could holler, shields up, and sail away on warp speed. As an adult though, it has made me a sensitive and good person. I parent my DS with a lot of hard-earned sensitivity. Some a-holes of course find nice people like me and Velcro on. It is up to me to rip them off.

Take care of you. There are people who will care about YOU and you have the skills to discern the good eggs.

hopeful4

You don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow or anytime until you are ready, no matter what that decision may be. I don't think it's that you will know when you are ready to leave, I think you will get to a point you decide just how much you will put up with and if there will be any change or not.

I am going to gently say that you post that your questions are rhetorical, however when you talk of the abuse you have endured and how can you trust this person again, it does not come across that way. No one here is going to recommend you stay with someone who abuses you on every level. However, no one but you knows just what you mean and what you can or will put up with.

I hope you continue to go to Alanon. Don't feel pressure by anyone as you have to come to your own place in your own time. Goodness, it took me 18years! That's a long time!

Tight Hugs....we are here for you always!

Sungrl

Maybe speaking with a therapist could help you sort things out.

You do sound very torn, and confused.

TerpGal

Yeah I do need to talk to my therapist. Sucks she was out of town last week, when I really needed her the most. And once a week, I am thinking is not enough right now.

See it's the stupid thinking about the abuse.........I dunno. All that stuff happened either while he was drunk. And the just plain old meanness while not under the influence when he was trying to "white knuckle" recovery the many times he tried that route. As far as the physical stuff, he was equal opportunity. If you tried to get him to move when he was passed out or blacked out, all bets were off and you were likely to get grabbed or pushed out of the way. That happened to ANYONE that tried to do that, even his own mother. I want to believe for right now since he chose sobriety that these things won't happen again. I do know I can never live with him of he picks up again.

Is this distorted thinking? Well idk. There was never ever any abuse before alcohol took over. In fact, he was the one to help me get over some of my hang ups from childhood. Not all, but some. That's why this is so devastating. Going from someone who was voted "best personality" in his HS graduating class whom I trusted implicitly to this. I believe that we can get back there, if we want to both better ourselves and the relationship. It is just going to be hard.

hopeful4

Terp, I totally understand what you are saying. My XAH is not an abuser, but the day I kicked him out he changed. He was very drunk and pushed me and our daughter was scared he would hit her. It was AWFUL. Even though it happened under the influence it was not an excuse. He is one and the same person. For me, that was enough.

Keep working on you. Stay with the therapist, increase if you need to. Know we are all here to walk this with you!

XXX

NYCDoglvr

I learned to get rid of resentments by doing the 12 Steps and this has made a huge difference in my life. A resentment feels like poison in my gut and, as a recovering alcoholic and codependent, I can't afford the luxury of having a resentment. If you want to deal with this I recommend Alanon.

hopeful4

THIS...THIS...THIS....
The day I learned to let the resentments go, a million lbs was lifted from my shoulders. Resentments are poison to your own soul.

Hammer

Yeah. I hear a LOT of that stuff, too.

Whole threads on here gang-banging me for that outcome.

So what to do? Get prayed up. Some folks call that getting Good Ordered Direction (GOD, for short)

Your HP did not bring you this far to leave you here.

unsureoffuture

That is good that you are in Alanon and you have chosen to stay with your AH. Only you know what is best for you. You mention that he isn't drinking now and that is great. My suggestion is for you to take a tep back and focus on you and let him focus on himself and his sobriety.

For me, to get over the resentments and anger I was carrying, I had to learn to let go!! I did this through Alanon and the steps. I had to learn to focus on me and what I want in a relationship. I even wrote it down. I deserve X, Y, Z. It was almost as if I set a goal to attain that and then let go of any expectations. I told myself I may or may not get there with AH. More will be revealed. Once you start working on you, things become clearer.

NYCDoglvr

Another way of letting go of resentments is asking myself: "what's MY part in this?" In the instance of an alcoholic, the answer is I picked him. And I decided to stay. It's tough to do a reality check, much easier to feel like a victim, but it doesn't get rid of the resentment.