Wanted the truth...I got it and now it sucks.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Posts: 27
Wanted the truth...I got it and now it sucks.
Hi everyone,
I knew deep down inside he was lying. I knew things didn't add up. I knew he is an alcoholic but somewhere deep down inside of me just really wanted to believe that he wouldn't lie about loving me and that he isn't with another girl cause he says he loves me.
Well found out the truth. Hurts like hell. Angry. Sad. Betrayed. Feeling stupid and used. I'm drained. But a piece of me is calm because I knew I wasn't crazy and T I wasn't making stuff up or seeing things that wasn't there. They were there I just chose not to see it.
You all have said "He are showing you who he is but you are choosing not to believe him". You guys have said many times "He is an alcoholic. His first love is the alcohol. He will do and say anything to get his drink. He will manipulate and lie and deceive and make you feel like your crazy because he is an alcoholic."
It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks but I get it now. I'm sad and feeling a loss and done but I got it.
I am hoping please to get some support and encouragement to get through this realization. Please help me get through this.... Thank you for listening.
I knew deep down inside he was lying. I knew things didn't add up. I knew he is an alcoholic but somewhere deep down inside of me just really wanted to believe that he wouldn't lie about loving me and that he isn't with another girl cause he says he loves me.
Well found out the truth. Hurts like hell. Angry. Sad. Betrayed. Feeling stupid and used. I'm drained. But a piece of me is calm because I knew I wasn't crazy and T I wasn't making stuff up or seeing things that wasn't there. They were there I just chose not to see it.
You all have said "He are showing you who he is but you are choosing not to believe him". You guys have said many times "He is an alcoholic. His first love is the alcohol. He will do and say anything to get his drink. He will manipulate and lie and deceive and make you feel like your crazy because he is an alcoholic."
It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks but I get it now. I'm sad and feeling a loss and done but I got it.
I am hoping please to get some support and encouragement to get through this realization. Please help me get through this.... Thank you for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
I'm also learning the hard way about lies and manipulation. My ex should be a politician. He turned the whole of our divorce to being my fault and alienated all my kids from me in the process ((hugs))..I'm just getting through each day and doing things for myself and coming to terms with the fact my days as a mother of 7 are over. It does get easier but you will have days of feeling angry, hurt, sad and you will cry. Just go with it. The longer you try and bottle stuff up the longer it takes.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Lovenlies 
It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks but I get it now. I'm sad and feeling a loss and done but I got it.
I felt the same. So many things that just didn't make sense to me suddenly did, once I had all the pieces to the puzzle and not just what my A chose to show me. I understood why he kept insisting that it wasn't necessary that bank accounts actually balance (b/c he was secretly withdrawing $$ from our savings), why he always seemed to have a lot of cash on him (b/c he didn't want to leave a paper trail by using his credit card at the liquor store), why he never seemed to remember anything we talked about (b/c he was either drunk or jonesing for the next drink), and so much more.
It's a horrible feeling in one respect, realizing it was all lies. I felt like my whole reality was just gradually crumbling back under me while I stood at the edge of a cliff. What was real? Was any of it? But in another respect, as you say, there is a certain relief in knowing that your feeling that something is wrong wasn't b/c you're crazy, stupid, looking for trouble, or whatever else your A may have told you. IT IS REAL. And you knew the truth, on some level, all along.
Don't beat yourself up about your unwillingness to believe what you were told here. You're not a fool. I think a lot of us come here, don't particularly like what we read or are told, and think "well, my situation isn't like that, it's different for all these reasons, not least of which is that I truly love my A." If we hang around long enough, we learn that, while there are some differences, they're tiny in comparison to the similarities. We also learn that simply loving our A's isn't enough. If it was, this forum wouldn't exist.
Keep on coming back. Keep reading. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. Keep posting. I'd strongly recommend checking out Alanon, or Celebrate Recovery if that's more to your taste. Face-to-face support is a really powerful thing in combination w/SR, at least in my experience.
You'll be OK. Really, you will. It may all look like a jumbled and terrifying mess right now, but you'll start to see your way clear. And the life waiting for you down the road is wonderful in ways you can't even imagine right now. ((((Hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Over here
Posts: 27
Thank you Tansy and Honeypig. Sorry Tansy for what you are going through and thank you for supporting me even when you are going through so much more then me. I wish I could help you in some ways. Hugggggggggg
Honey pig, thank you for your wisdom and the way you make me feel. You make me feel supported and heard and know that the way you say things makes it easier to go through rough days.
I will get through this...we will all get through this.
Honey pig, thank you for your wisdom and the way you make me feel. You make me feel supported and heard and know that the way you say things makes it easier to go through rough days.
I will get through this...we will all get through this.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
loven
sorry for you pain and hurt. you do not deserve that.
i think sometimes the truth hurts more that the lie that covered it. but in the end it always come out. i am sorry to say if your hubby is an alcoholic as you say he is, that is what we alcoholics do,,,, do anything for our drink hurt you or not.
glad you see the light, sometimes that is the most difficult thing but you are doing it.
hope things work out for you. this is a great place for support
sorry for you pain and hurt. you do not deserve that.
i think sometimes the truth hurts more that the lie that covered it. but in the end it always come out. i am sorry to say if your hubby is an alcoholic as you say he is, that is what we alcoholics do,,,, do anything for our drink hurt you or not.
glad you see the light, sometimes that is the most difficult thing but you are doing it.
hope things work out for you. this is a great place for support
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lovenlies....I don't know any pain that is worse or more confusing than when the one you love is also the one who hurts you.
I think your own avitar contains a lot of truth...let yourself draw strength from that in the coming weeks.
dandylion
I think your own avitar contains a lot of truth...let yourself draw strength from that in the coming weeks.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
The worst thing about the lies ( in their head) is the fact that you are not worthy of the truth.
Time to take your life back..
You will not always feel like you currently do.
You are worth so much more, friend.
keep posting it helps to get it all out.
Time to take your life back..
You will not always feel like you currently do.
You are worth so much more, friend.
keep posting it helps to get it all out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
A big hug to you in this very distressing time. This is one of the most painful realizations we can have. With an alcoholic pay no attention to what he says, only to what he does. I recommend Alanon, where I got the support I needed to get through my own traumatic time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it is really all about our PERCEPTION. we see exactly what we want to, or chose to. kinda like the movie, oh what was it with jack black, Shallow Hal, where thru hypnosis he only saw the inner beauty manifest into the physical realm. case in point, just yesterday, on the 4th floor of our secured building, there was a BAT flying around, scared as hell. just hearing about it creeped me out, ME NO LIKE BATS. however the gal describing her encounter talked about how cute and small he was, like a mouse with wings she said.
one bat - two different view points.
anywho, you're gonna be ok. the truth can hurt, but it also sets us free.
one bat - two different view points.
anywho, you're gonna be ok. the truth can hurt, but it also sets us free.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
*hugs*
Oh man. This brought back a lot for me. I remember the day I found out my A was having an affair. Every second of it. And I remember the feeling in my chest and stomach, like I couldn't breathe and had swallowed an anvil. I wouldn't wish that on any woman. It is beyond painful.
I remember when it clicked with me that he really was an alcoholic. I felt like the biggest dummy for not putting it together. For making excuses for him and lying to myself. There were so many red flags, I should have known and known better.
Lovenlies, what you are going through now sucks. The pain is excruciating. But I've been where you are, and so have so many others here. I wrote my experiences to share with you that you're not alone. I'm healing from all of that, and you will too. Take some time to mourn the loss of the man you thought you knew and start thinking about the partner you deserve in life. I bet in your dreams, he isn't a fillandering drunk. And, again, I'm so sorry.
Oh man. This brought back a lot for me. I remember the day I found out my A was having an affair. Every second of it. And I remember the feeling in my chest and stomach, like I couldn't breathe and had swallowed an anvil. I wouldn't wish that on any woman. It is beyond painful.
I remember when it clicked with me that he really was an alcoholic. I felt like the biggest dummy for not putting it together. For making excuses for him and lying to myself. There were so many red flags, I should have known and known better.
Lovenlies, what you are going through now sucks. The pain is excruciating. But I've been where you are, and so have so many others here. I wrote my experiences to share with you that you're not alone. I'm healing from all of that, and you will too. Take some time to mourn the loss of the man you thought you knew and start thinking about the partner you deserve in life. I bet in your dreams, he isn't a fillandering drunk. And, again, I'm so sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Over here
Posts: 27
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. Please continue to encourage and support me. It's like...... surreal.
I am awake at 4:00 in the morning. Can't sleep. Mind racing. Can't breath. So sad....crying won't stop. I don't want him but it hurts. I feel so used, so betrayed,....so broken.
So it was all a lie? All the I love yous, all the I miss yous, all the tender moments, all the words that came out of his mouth...all lies.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so desperate for his love? What is wrong with me? Why did I give and lose so much of myself to someone who lied to me and treated me badly? Why didn't I see it? How could I be so weak but yet think that I have some kind of powers to fix him? What is wrong with me, that I am so damaged and to think its okay for me to be treated so badly and continued to stay for years? I really need therapy, I really need help.
I am awake at 4:00 in the morning. Can't sleep. Mind racing. Can't breath. So sad....crying won't stop. I don't want him but it hurts. I feel so used, so betrayed,....so broken.
So it was all a lie? All the I love yous, all the I miss yous, all the tender moments, all the words that came out of his mouth...all lies.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so desperate for his love? What is wrong with me? Why did I give and lose so much of myself to someone who lied to me and treated me badly? Why didn't I see it? How could I be so weak but yet think that I have some kind of powers to fix him? What is wrong with me, that I am so damaged and to think its okay for me to be treated so badly and continued to stay for years? I really need therapy, I really need help.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Sounds like he is one level up and is narcissistic, please you tube Sam vakin on narcissism it's a real eye opener. He has one specifically on narcs who are addicts.. It will make you feel better and probably feel sorry for your ex when you realise he's not well. Believe me, all of his relationships will be short term, please don't blame yourself for not being good enough..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Lovenlies,
I can't tell you why this happened to you but I can tell you why it happened to me.
I had (key word had) a broken picker! Now my broken picker was from a childhood of watching my parents act out a psycho relationship of abusive alcoholism and codependence and I got to be a player in the 3 act play (have you read that?).
Usually there are psychological reasons we are "drawn" to broken people that have alarm bells and red flags all over them. I have sorted myself out through a lot of therapy, alanon and I have been visiting this site now for four years.
My XA may not have changes (he still roller coasters all over the place) but he sure sees that I am completely different in my relationship with him! No contact when he is drinking and when he is trying to get back into recovery I am supportive in a very careful fashion. I haven't seen him in 4 years but I do talk to him on the phone when he is in his recovery mode... he is waiting for a bed in a rehab right now and is in his usual reflective mode of "how did this happen again"?
It happened because he hasn't ever broken up with alcohol for good. Period. He is in his 40's and just had heart surgery. He has high blood pressure and his liver is a mess. If he stays sober long enough it will probably recover this time again.
The point of my story is that you are wise to consider how you ended up in a relationship with a man that clearly has deep issues and deep character issues. Be thankful you didn't spent 4 years with him like I did with my XA. Many women on here have spent decades with men that ended up cheating on them and betraying them after a lifetime of supporting them and their alcoholic nonsense.
YOu have been given a huge gift... he is gone. Good riddance! Now ... dry those tears and start making your new life plan. You my dear have the chance to CHANGE EVERYTHING!!! First ... you must pamper yourself. I recommend massages, pedis, manis and facials! Human touch releases chemicals... and chemicals make us feel bad and good. You are awash in BAD chemicals. Get some sunlight...take a walk. Do something you love.
Go to 3 alanon meetings a day! (at least one). Find a good counselor. REad, read, read. There are lots of great books on the subject.
Next time you are eyeing some guy and feeling butterflies in the tummy...watch out. He may be toxic! Don't trust your picker...trust your PI. Yep. I believe in finding out about somebody before I think about getting involved with them in anyway. Its easy to do some prelim checking....
Red Flags are not party favors...don't collect them. Protect your heart and your life. Listen to your friends and family if they see the red flags... and all you feel is goose bumps he is probably toxic.
Red Flag Radar can be developed... I have now down to X-ray excellence. And the good news is TOXIC MEN now are not attractive!!!! I am in recovery! I no longer want those charming, handsome, life of the party guys that are nothing but pure trouble!
Your life my dear is going to be so MUCH BETTER... so be grateful the selfish slob hit the road and feel sorry for his next victim.
I can't tell you why this happened to you but I can tell you why it happened to me.
I had (key word had) a broken picker! Now my broken picker was from a childhood of watching my parents act out a psycho relationship of abusive alcoholism and codependence and I got to be a player in the 3 act play (have you read that?).
Usually there are psychological reasons we are "drawn" to broken people that have alarm bells and red flags all over them. I have sorted myself out through a lot of therapy, alanon and I have been visiting this site now for four years.
My XA may not have changes (he still roller coasters all over the place) but he sure sees that I am completely different in my relationship with him! No contact when he is drinking and when he is trying to get back into recovery I am supportive in a very careful fashion. I haven't seen him in 4 years but I do talk to him on the phone when he is in his recovery mode... he is waiting for a bed in a rehab right now and is in his usual reflective mode of "how did this happen again"?
It happened because he hasn't ever broken up with alcohol for good. Period. He is in his 40's and just had heart surgery. He has high blood pressure and his liver is a mess. If he stays sober long enough it will probably recover this time again.
The point of my story is that you are wise to consider how you ended up in a relationship with a man that clearly has deep issues and deep character issues. Be thankful you didn't spent 4 years with him like I did with my XA. Many women on here have spent decades with men that ended up cheating on them and betraying them after a lifetime of supporting them and their alcoholic nonsense.
YOu have been given a huge gift... he is gone. Good riddance! Now ... dry those tears and start making your new life plan. You my dear have the chance to CHANGE EVERYTHING!!! First ... you must pamper yourself. I recommend massages, pedis, manis and facials! Human touch releases chemicals... and chemicals make us feel bad and good. You are awash in BAD chemicals. Get some sunlight...take a walk. Do something you love.
Go to 3 alanon meetings a day! (at least one). Find a good counselor. REad, read, read. There are lots of great books on the subject.
Next time you are eyeing some guy and feeling butterflies in the tummy...watch out. He may be toxic! Don't trust your picker...trust your PI. Yep. I believe in finding out about somebody before I think about getting involved with them in anyway. Its easy to do some prelim checking....
Red Flags are not party favors...don't collect them. Protect your heart and your life. Listen to your friends and family if they see the red flags... and all you feel is goose bumps he is probably toxic.
Red Flag Radar can be developed... I have now down to X-ray excellence. And the good news is TOXIC MEN now are not attractive!!!! I am in recovery! I no longer want those charming, handsome, life of the party guys that are nothing but pure trouble!
Your life my dear is going to be so MUCH BETTER... so be grateful the selfish slob hit the road and feel sorry for his next victim.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 5
Wow!! Your post literally took my breath away because Iam going through and feeling the exact same way! I hate to think that anyone else is feeling like this with the sleepless nights, crying, feelings of ashame & doubt.... It goes on and on however it's somewhat comforting to know that Iam not the only one who is going through this.
I thought I turned a corner the other day after reading so much encouragement on here and then it hit me again like a ton of bricks.
Like a fool (after being lied to & not hearing from my ABF for almost 2 weeks) I sent him money to help take off some of the financial pressure I know he's feeling. My God how could i be such a fool? I think I did it more in hopes that I would hear from him one more time. It's like I can't cut the cord for good. Iam just as much addicted to him as he is to alcohol. It's aweful. How could this happen to me?
I thought I turned a corner the other day after reading so much encouragement on here and then it hit me again like a ton of bricks.
Like a fool (after being lied to & not hearing from my ABF for almost 2 weeks) I sent him money to help take off some of the financial pressure I know he's feeling. My God how could i be such a fool? I think I did it more in hopes that I would hear from him one more time. It's like I can't cut the cord for good. Iam just as much addicted to him as he is to alcohol. It's aweful. How could this happen to me?
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