Justwantnormal

My last post about AH was a letter I had written and planned to leave for him at some point (an ultimatum letter). We ended up having a conversation about it before I got the chance to give it to him. I think he found my Empowered Recovery book on my computer and it freaked him out. He's never even alluded to the fact that we may have marital problems, but was suddenly telling me he was terrified I was about to leave him. He acknowledged the magnitude of the problem and said he was in the process of doing something about it. He mentioned AA and counselling, etc. Fast forward a week and he tells me he doesn't plan on quitting, just that he won't drink when there's no 'reason' to (quack, quack, quack). Fast forward another week and now he's hiding his booze and drinking when he thinks I've gone to bed (or to the bathroom for a minute!). A whole new low.

Meanwhile, I've been reading a lot! I read Empowered Recovery's Guide to Resolving Alcoholic Relationships and I just finished Codependent No More - I feel like the fog is lifting a bit. Next on my list is Women Who Love Too Much. I'm trying to get started on working through the 12 steps as part of working through the Codependent No More exercises. I'm about a hairsbreadth away being okay with walking away from this. I know in my head that this isn't the way I want to live my life anymore and it's not what I want for my children. I just need to flip that switch from 'isn't the way I want to' to 'isn't the way I'm going to'. I plan to meet with a lawyer in the next couple weeks to start getting my ducks in a row though.

So that's my update. I feel strangely at peace with where I'm at right now. Through reading Codependent No More I've come to realize that all this sadness and anger I've carried around for years has been part of the grieving process for me - grieving for the marriage I'll never have. I think through that realization I've been able to let it go and move myself into the acceptance phase. I hope it sticks. I know this won't be easy, but I also know staying will be harder.

Thanks for all your help in getting me to this point. I honestly would be lost without you guys!

meggem

Hi I am very happy to hear you feel a sense of peace. Thanks for posting -it's giving me hope. I am not feeling very peaceful right now. Can you tell me more about the Empowered Recovery's Guide? What stage do you think it's best for?

I have read Co-No-More several times and I love it!

honeypig

Justwantnormal, I think you've said some important things here, and I think you're making big steps forward and getting a lot clearer view of many, many things in your life. I'm so glad for you!

I especially relate to your statement about feeling "strangely at peace." I know exactly what you mean and have felt that same peace, even when things are certainly NOT perfect in my life and by rights, for the "old" me, I should be upset and chasing around frantically trying to fix things, get my way and run the show in general.

That "strangely peaceful" feeling, for me, seems to always be a sign that I'm progressing. It would seem that it's the same for you, and again, I'm so very, very happy that you're there!

Justwantnormal

Letting go does feel peaceful ~ thank you, honeypig

Meggem, the Empowered Recovery guide deals a lot with codependency issues. It's basic premise is that resolving the alcoholic relationship can only happen through the A finding long-term recovery or you ending the relationship (in either case, your own recovery is the point that's stressed). It's very direct and leans heavily toward walking away as the healthy choice (unless, of course, the A's sobriety is a real option). It focuses a lot on abusive relationships, but makes it clear that any relationship with an alcoholic is abusive in some form (even if the abuse is emotional, not physical). It's probably a useful read at any stage. I've been teetering on the edge of leaving for a while, so for me it was confirmation of what I've been feeling for a while. Here's the link if you'd like to check it out… ebook

KidsR#1

Thank you for posting the link to the e-book, Justwantnormal

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on moving into the solution instead of digging deeper into the problem. You're a great power of example for so many of us dealing with these issues. A big hug.