KidsR#1

Feel like I have Been strong since I kicked out my AH. He calls everyday about little things. Sometimes I answer the phone, sometimes not. There have very few times where I wanted to cry and when it is, it is b/c I miss him (the sober one.)

Tonight he asked if he could stop and get some things, apparently I only packed 2 pairs of dress socks for works (he's right, oops.) Plus he wanted to see the kids. Offered to get the kids some garlic knots when he stopped for food for himself. Asked if he was allowed to eat it here and said he is not sure what the rules are, and frankly neither do I.

What are the rules when you kick them out? What has worked for some of you? I definitely know that if he is drinking he can't come over. Even thought about getting a breathalyzer b/c he is so good @ covering up if he has had 1-2.

How do you know if they are truly working on their recovery too? I thought he was before with his therapist appts, going to AA meetings, etc. But a friend also saw him get a text the other night on his phone from one of the guys @ AA about meeting @ a bar . His sponsor told us he has not hit rock bottom yet-am I sending mixed messages by letting him see me and the kids? I'm not ready to severe all ties b/c of the house, bills and kids.

BTW he discovered the washer/dryer @ the place he's @ so no need to do laundry here.

stella27

How well are you able to detach and heal when you see him often? Or talk? Or have him in your home?

Some people can do this apparently - I could not. But I knew that I was getting a divorce and that if he had shown me the side of him who could be my sober, attentive husband - or if he had ever begged me to reconsider (he didn't), that I would not be able to go through with what I knew I had to do.

I suppose you should just pay attention to how you feel after long periods of no-contact vs. how you feel after he comes over and hangs out.

When do you feel the most clear-headed and least confused?

honeypig

KidsR#1, I truly think I would try NC (no contact) other than the 3 things you mentioned--house, bills, kids, and actually maybe only bills and kids.

If you continue to worry about whether he's working his recovery (and it is his recovery), you're living the same life you were while you were together, except you're doing it via phone. Nothing will really have changed. That doesn't seem to make much sense.

I mostly see people recommend a good solid year of recovery before considering getting back together. Your A is nowhere near that, right? If he is truly in recovery, you'll KNOW. It won't be a matter of smelling for booze or watching for those little "drunk habits." His attitude, his whole life, will look different, and you'll know. You'll see it in his actions, not just hear it in his words.

Are you working your recovery? It will help you worry less about him if you're going to Alanon meetings and reading and posting at SR. You might be surprised how much you have to work on yourself--I know I sure was!

dandylion

KidsR#1......there isn't a pamphlet of rules. Each situation is different. It is up to you to establish the boundaries that make sense and protect yourself.

If there is a legal separation....then there are certain legal paramaters that your attorney will spell out for you. I can't remember....but, you just have verbal agreements???

Be careful to only set boundaries that you can and are prepared to enforce.

How long does it take to find a washer and dryer in one apartment??? How easy is it to hide a washer and dryer. He should have asked the cat......
LOL...LOL...LOL.

dandylion

Stung

There are no rules.

Are you in counseling or therapy? I was talking to my husband daily right after we separated, and funny, you aren't really separate when you're in contact so often. We have two small children so no contact wasn't really realistic for us. Instead we scheduled to talk at 9pm M W F. After that I suddenly realized how difficult it was to not be in contact because I actually was separated from him. Your husband seeing your kids does not need to include you. He can take them out for dinner or you can go for a walk, to the library, etc. while he spends time with them.

KidsR#1

I was in counseling. Saw 2 different therapist, over the last 6 months. One was a alcohol/drug specialist. After a few sessions they both would say that it seemed like I was doing well, doing all that I needed to do and contact them if I need another appt. I do feel that we need to seek a marriage counselor before I can even consider him moving back in.

Nothing written in writing about boundaries, only what I have put into place, which is that he can't live here right now and needs to call first, can't just stop by. It's only been 4 days since he left.

When he was here I was always worried about whether he was going to an AA meeting, where, what time, when would he be home, etc. Would he come home drunk? Checking what he was drinking. I imagine it drove him crazy!! I also would ask him constantly if he was OK when he would sigh. I know that drove him crazy, he would even tell me that!! I couldn't believe how often I would say it, I would think "who am I?"

I have been doing alot of reading- on SR and some al-anon literature. Even checked out some of the online al-anon groups. I attended a few sessions of the one meeting in my area when he was @ rehab. I keep putting off going back even though I felt good when ever I left a meeting. I keep finding a reason not to go back. Maybe if I had connected with someone off the bat it would be different. They all were there b/c of alcoholic parents when they were growing up or they have adult alcoholic children.


Thanks for the input. Have to think more about the NC. Don't like the idea and can't put my finger on why- maybe b/c it means really detaching??

KidsR#1

Ugh- didn't sleep well last night. I think it was because we had such a great visit. Kept thinking about events planned for the next 4 months and how that is going to all play out- they were originally planned before everything went down hill and now what? Hate when I do this (future tripping), causes so much anxiety

LLLisa

He should have and could have packed his own socks.
His socks are no longer your problem.



He doesn't live with you.
The rules are that you make the rules in your house.
There is no need to consult with a person who does not live with you about what the rules in your house are going to be.

Never darken my doorstep again you drunken lying ******.

That's what's worked for me.

allysen

I don't have 'rules' regarding my XAH. However, if he shows up and its apparent he's been drinking or is hungover, I ask him to leave and he does. It's a rare occurrence now.

Regarding his recovery, it's none of your business. He's out of your house, and if he chooses to drink, that's his problem. You will be less stressed if you stop trying to figure it out. If he's drunk, you will know - you don't need 'proof.' Trust yourself!

I never did NC. For me, my goal is healthy communication with the people in my life. Me and XAH are going to have contact for a long time since our kids are young. It's important that we make it work. Our contact is minimal, but appropriate. We never text anymore. It would break my kids' hearts if he and I couldn't stand to be in the same room together for their sake, and that's not what I want to be modelling for them. They have seen me ask him to leave in the past, so they have some idea of what is and isn't acceptable. It's up to you how much contact you allow, and you don't need to worry about what others think of that.

KidsR#1

Today my mom asked me if AH not living here is good for our relationship and for the kids. I've been open about what has been going on. I don't get it! My response was that its to keep us safe (and me sane as well.) I have tried to explain how alcoholism works but they don't see the toll it takes on us like AH's family does. When I had asked them to visit during AH's rehab stint as I needed help around the house/with the kids and I was told that they were too busy.

Santa

Have you considered going NC with your mom?

honeypig

People who don't know about alcoholism and who have no experience with it will say and do things like this. They simply don't know. And sometimes they do know, but want to pretend they don't, b/c they have a similar situation that they don't want to deal with either. That doesn't stop it from being painful for you, though.

Just try to realize that, in the end, you are the one who has to deal with the situation, you are the one who has to live your life, raise your kids, etc., and you are the one who needs to feel she's done the best she can. The opinions of others, especially those who have no clue about alcoholism, just aren't worth that much.

Keep coming here, and if you haven't already, please do check into Alanon for some face-to-face support. We get it. We've been there, or are there with you right now.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

KidsR#1

Santa- I don't have much contact with them. Calls are always initiated by me. Says She doesn't want to bother me. Even during times like this when I am crazy busy and have told her that it is good for her to call me. Visits with my parents are as well initiate by me.

Psalm5110

These were my "rules" when I kicked my husband out:

1. Until he stopped denying his problem and began to seek recovery, we did not spend time together. I arranged for him to see our son at his parents' house, where he was living. Those visits were always supervised by his mom. He did not come by the house for visits. If he needed to pick up something, he could come by when we were not home or I would take it to his parents' house when I was picking up or dropping off our son. We talked on the phone about bills and our son, but that was it.

2. Once he stopped denying his addiction and started getting help, we started having more contact. We talked about his problem, and as long as he didn't lie to me, I was supportive. We entered counseling together. We spent time as a family at his parents' house. Eventually, I invited him to come over to the house 1-2 evenings per week to do chores I couldn't (I was in my eighth month of pregnancy by then) and stay for dinner. As long as he was remaining completely sober, we took steps forward. But I called all the shots.

3. As his recovery progressed, our relationship did, too. When I had our second child, I actually moved in with my parents and he went back to our home. The kids and I started spending weekends at home with him. We continued counseling, he kept working his program, and I eventually felt he was far enough along in his recovery for us to all move back home.

The hardest thing was not being able to plan anything as far as family activities were concerned. Heck, until the week before I gave birth, I could not even say whether I would have him in the delivery room! It all depending on his willingness to get better, his ability to communicate with me, and how "real" everything felt. Another poster said you would know if he was seriously in recovery, and I found that to be true. I observed fundamental changes in his behavior once he actually embraced recovery.

So the rules changed, depending on how he was doing. But one has stuck, and I don't know what it will take to move past it: I do not allow him to watch our children (ages 3 years and 3 months) on his own. When I have to work late or on weekends, I make other arrangements for them. Most often, his parents come over and they all have a fun day together. But the trust is just not there yet. He has done a great job, attaining over four months of sobriety and slowly returning to the real man I married...but those kids are everything to me and it's going to take a lot more certainty on my part before that rule goes away.

NYCDoglvr

Can you have a friend, family member there while he stops by? By responding to texts and emails you're telling him it's ok to contact you and you'll probably end up in the same old place. It's always good to question your own motives when having any kind of contact with him. An alcoholic will go to great lengths to hang on to an enabler so when he gets to the romantic stuff (they all do!), try to see it for what it is.

KidsR#1

NYCDoglvr- romantic stuff only happens lately if he has been drinking

Was worried about letting my MIL know about kicking him out, but I should have known better. She said that I did what I had to do and the kids have to come first! She loves her son, don't get me wrong, but knows that he lies and manipulates to get his way. She thought it was great that he has to live somewhere where there are fleas, mice and has to do his own laundry