scarlet71

Hello,
I have been involved with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years now, we have been living together for a year and a half of it. BF is a recovering alcoholic/addict and has been through rehab and regularly attends AA and CA meetings. I have been very supportive and have understood from the beginning, his sobriety is key to our relationship working. Lately, he has been participating more, Round-Ups, Big Book study groups, speaking, etc. I know it is key to become involved and share your story, hope and inspiration but why do I feel like the relationship is beginning to suffer? I don't bitch, whine or complain but I am starting to feel very lonely. I also have the title of "normie" and have heard that relationship with non AA members are discouraged. My BF's sponsor told my BF to break up with me back when we first got together. I'm starting to feel anxious and lonely. I don't drink or party, go to bars, I live a clean, healthy life, and I understand that his sobriety is most important but I just feel like his sponsor has told him he had to become more actively involved, and he has listened. What about balance? Can someone please give me some advice? Do they encourage AA members to date within the group? Am I going crazy, how much more supportive can I be? I feel like I am losing my mind.

AnvilheadII

have you told him how you feel? just share openly like you did here?

there are many levels of involvement in AA and it's not surprising that at this still early stage of his recovery (anything under 3 years is really still quite EARLY recovery) that he is expanding his involvement in a lot of areas. and for him that is all really good stuff....he's putting in the effort and that goes a long way to staying clean for life.

and that can leave the "outsider" the non-AA'r of the relationship behind in the dust. of course there is no reason why you could not go to conventions and events, at least part of them...or NA dances....campouts etc. there IS room for the partner to join. there are usually a lot more activities going on during the summer months and then things tend to wind down a bit come fall/winter.

there is absolutely no reason why you can't get just a busy doing your thing! whatever that might be. ccoking class, college course, book club, yoga, alanon or naranon - the possibilities are endless. you have a life too babe.

and no AA or NA do not suggest sticking within the group....nor do they discouarge dating non-addicts.

scarlet71

Thank you for your reply.
I would never discourage him from getting involved, there is no us without him being sober. I guess it's just a learning curve for both of us.

Thank again !

honeypig

Hi, scarlet71. I've read a number of threads since I've been here from people in a similar situation to yours. It's not uncommon for the partner of the A to feel left out and overlooked, to feel as if they're suddenly unneeded and at loose ends when the A starts recovery.

In my experience, the best solution for that problem is to start taking care of yourself. In another thread on this topic, someone posted "don't wait by the door and watch the clock; it only fosters resentment", and I think that's true. Start your own recovery. You may not think you need it, but chances are pretty darn good that you do! This section of the stickied threads at the top of the page might have some reading that you'd find useful: The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (About Recovery)

I'd also like to suggest Alanon for you--since he's in AA, it might help you to find some common ground w/him in addition to being a great resource for you. I've found SR and Alanon in combination to be a wonderful combination, since each has its own strengths.

Hope you find the help you're looking for.

honeypig

Sorry, my link didn't post correctly in the post above. It should be this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

I'd also like to add this link: But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!

Soberintexas007

Hi Scarlet,
I am a recovering alcoholic and had attended AA for many years. This can definitely happen what you are going through, and this would also be a concern of mine if my husband all of a sudden attended AA, although we could go together at times since I am also an alcoholic. There is no easy answer here, as AA can very easily consume some people who all of a sudden go to meetings, fellowship activities, etc. etc.

If my husband all of a sudden started to go to AA, I would hope he would just go to his meetings and then come home to me afterwards. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him going to fellowship dinners or get togethers after meetings without me. The medicine in AA is going to meetings and listening and/or speaking (of course it would be fine for him to mingle and have his "fellowship" a few minutes before and after meetings. I would think that would be enough because as you said, too much will naturally cause spouses to feel neglected and lonely.

I guess it all depends on what a spouse feels comfortable with. Everyone is different. But I know that I personally like to spend a lot of time with my husband.

Rosalba

I'm in Alanon rather than AA, but know enough about it to say that all the above is ****. All the 12-Step programs suggest that no new significant relationships, or major life decisions, are made within the first year of membership - this is largely to avoid making decisions at a time when life is a bit turbulent - decisions which may be regretted later.

However, it's a suggestion only and is certainly not enforced in any way at all.

Either your partner has misunderstood or he's unconsciously pushing you away. He wouldn't have been available to you in a meaningful way while he was drinking, either.

As others have said, take care of yourself now. Sure, encourage him in his recovery, but he's got plenty of support right now. I'd recommend Alanon, which acknowledges that 'many of us felt frustrated and lonely', and it will be an arena where you can really share, in confidence, what's going on for you.

Good luck!

scarlet71

Thanks for all the advice! I'm glad there has been others in the same situation. I know he is still in early recovery and I will continue to support him. I have tried Al-Anon meetings. The first group everyone cried and I felt like a big black cloud hung over the meeting, I was looking for hope. The next group shoved a box of Kleenex at me when I was upset and sharing and told me to leave him alone, let him do his thing.
I guess it's just hard for me being so supportive and sending him off to meetings when he's complaining of being tired, and feeling on the outside. I have attended meetings with him, celebrations for friends, etc, but it's hard to not feel left in the dust sometimes. Especially because I seem to have got the label of "normie" and have been told by some of his friends I will never understand addiction, he'd be better off with someone in the program. Funny thing is, I grew up in an a home filled with alcohol, experienced a not so nice alcoholic grandfather, have had three friends pass from addiction, so I know a lot about the effects. Sorry for the long reply, I just get so lost and overwhelmed. I'm working through the Adult Children of Alcoholic book. I'm hoping this helps.
Thanks again!

littlefish

I have never heard of any of that and I am AA. It is absolutely not true that relationships with non AA members are discouraged.

Actually, relationships with other AA members are discouraged in early sobriety. Two newly sober people embarking on an emotional relationship is considered to be risky and it's suggested, (there are no "musts" in AA) that people try to avoid starting a relationship the first year of sobriety. The caution surrounding relationships extends to the unwritten "rule" that sponsors should always be the same sex as their sponsee.

It would be completely inappropriate for a sponsor to tell anyone to "break up" with someone.

It is possible your BF didn't quite hear the suggestions correctly. During the first few weeks and even months, it is not uncommon for the recovering person to be in something of a daze.

Rosalba

This is going to be difficult, but until and unless you let go of him, as they suggested in Alanon - and transfer your loving care to yourself, you will continue to feel alienated and excluded. This is because you are looking to him to be a source of good things in your life, something that no other person can do for you. It's something that needs to come from within.

'Sending him off to meetings' isn't being supportive; it's controlling and isn't really an appropriate part of an adult relationship. Parent/child, yes. If he really wants to work the program, he will do so without your help. Continuing this sort of 'help' will continue to make you feel excluded.

If you don't feel OK about Alanon, it may be helpful to look at the rest of your life. Are there ways you could make your life more fulfilling and enjoyable without him? Cultivate new friendships, for example, and participate in causes you believe in?

scarlet71

"Sending him off to meetings' isn't being supportive; it's controlling and isn't really an appropriate part of an adult relationship. Parent/child, yes. If he really wants to work the program, he will do so without your help. Continuing this sort of 'help' will continue to make you feel excluded."
I guess I should explain myself, that is a pact we have with each other Rosalba, it is not me being controlling. He attends meetings regularly, does his Step work but he's always said, if I'm feeling tired or some lame excuse, give me that push. Sobriety is about connecting with people, places, things, it's about having a community of many people who support you, that's what I do. I don't control, his program is his own.
I do love myself and have things I do that do not include him. We have our life together and our lives apart.
My partner obviously works the program or I wouldn't have started to feel lonely.
It's just a feeling I have, I really don't need to be psycho-analyzed. It's nice others have felt the same, that's all.

Rosalba

If all you want is affirmation, and that's enough to help you through this, that's great!

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober 22 years and haven't heard anyone advise dating only other alcoholics. It sounds, simply, that the relationship simply isn't working. Perhaps you're simply drifting apart and a convenient excuse is AA. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

AnvilheadII

My partner obviously works the program or I wouldn't have started to feel lonely.

was it less or more lonely when he was drinking? i'm just curious...some report that after a short period of sobriety they almost wish they're partner would drink again so at least things would return to "normal" or what had become their normal.

i don't know if it would help to think of it like someone going for their PhD or Masters? in order to achieve a real positive milestone they'd need to devote almost every spare minute to their studies. even if they WERE home they'd be huddled over the laptop or deep in some text.........and you'd have to learn to quiety dust around them or go find something else to do while they were immersed.

flowerpower52

My RAH is coming up on 3 years. I have done the Al-anon, CODA etc. and it has been pounded into my head that recovery is first, as the spouse I am last, family last. I am to have a completely separate life, friends, hobbies, etc. and never the two shall meet. I say that isn't so!

It hurts my feelings, it hurts the relationship, it hurts the family when that narrative is pushed so forcefully. I know that most people never read past the first 164 pages of the book. The entire subject of the family afterward is always overlooked. I know that some in AA use being involved, going to meetings etc as a way to avoid being with family, dealing with relationships etc.

As we all know recovery is first. I think that sponsors that are not married, or in long term relationships should never, ever be advising anyone on their marriage. I honestly think any sponsor shouldn't be advising on anyone's marriage period. They don't generally have a glowing track record on the subject. My RAH sponsor asked him to bring a complete listing of our finances, what money we have in the bank etc. My RAH never deals with anything financial and when he asked for that, I blew a gasket. Our marital finances are not for him and his sponsor to discuss and work on. That is for us in our marriage to work on. He doesn't manage our finances as we have worked out a plan that I maintain and keep him up-to-date on where we are at, what we pay etc. It's not because he can't or won't. I know sponsors are there to help work steps and mentor, but involving themselves in intimate issues are off limits. That is a boundary I have set with my RAH. If he feels the need to discuss his marital woes, then we will go to our trained marriage counselor who by they way has 48 years sober, so he knows what he is doing.

Many people say if you feel lonely or ask for more time with your spouse to have a marriage, to be engaged, you are stifling your partner's recovery or you are co-dependent or controlling or whatever magic term they come up to diagnose you with. I don't believe that. I believe that most of us in relationships with recovering persons are looking to build a solid relationship foundation. To develop rapport and intimacy. You cannot do that when the other half is gone every day of the week working recovery, every night, every weekend etc. I think the AA group and sponsors place an extreme amount of pressure on others to push the family, marriage etc. back and basically don't worry about it. I am not in my marriage to live my own life separately day after day after day and be forced into tolerating and accepting a few hours a week of time to spend together. For me it comes down to my own value systems, my own dreams, life goals etc and one of those is being involved in an involved marriage, not living a separate life as a single person.

I have studied the issue of saving a marriage when recovery begins and for me I just watch and observe some of the insane things I see go on and insane things I hear being offered as suggestions. It took me some time but I have completely removed myself from attending any meetings with him even if he asks, this allows me to avoid being ignored, labeled, frowned upon etc. What I see as a whole is the AA club doesn't for the most part really care if a guy is desperately trying to save his marriage, in fact I hear often it might be best to just walk away.

I generally don't do well with the immaturity, emotional immaturity and found through lots of hard lessons just to remove myself completely. Unfortunately this impacts my marriage negatively as my RAH thinks I don't care or support him. I sometimes laugh and say you can't have your cake and eat it too, you either want support or you don't. You ask for it then complain, ask for advice or to have a discussion then complain or tell your sponsor who completely slam dunks me or talk about it somewhere and then label me with something like controlling or co-dependent, or stifling or whatever the term of the hour long meeting was about.

In the long run we are finding our way. It is about boundaries, it's about exploring our values and beliefs as it relates to our marriage, it is about the value and importance we place on this marriage. I will go the extra mile for my RAH and do my own thing and ignore his own thing, however in marriage you are as one, not two separate entities bumping against each other in the nite, it doesn't and won't work that way. I do place expectations on my husband to hold up his end of the bargain in our marriage, there are no excuses any longer, no valid reason why he thinks he has to continue being an absentee husband, it won't hold water any longer and our marriage counselor tended to agree, he now has tools, resources and knowledge, no more placing marriage and family last, no more time to be missing in action and tending to one's own self like it's a full time job and the only job in life, time to begin full restoration of both. If he isn't able to achieve holding up his end of the marriage, then it's time for us to explore different avenues in our lives, it's just that simple.

These are just my thoughts on the matter and they are subject to change frequently. Don't take it to harshly or out of context, it's just where I am at in the process and as I grow and change it will be different in the next minute, hour, day or years who knows.

honeypig

flowerpower, the thread you posted to is over 2-1/2 years old, w/no activity in that time. Can I suggest starting a thread of your own to tell us about yourself and what's going on in your life? You'll likely get more responses that way.

hearthealth

Flower power, thank you for your post. It really helped me out today.

teatreeoil007

Good if you start a new thread on this flowerpower, but I feel this is an important subject, so will respond here until you do.

I really don't think from the foundation of AA, it was ever intended to break couples apart. And it seems clear to me from what you have posted, your RAH's sponsor has crossed boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. Dare I say, you sound like an AA widow, if there ever was such a term. A sad term. His sobriety should, in the long run, bring you closer together and bring the family to closer; not farther apart. You likely took a back seat to his addiction first, and now feel like you are taking a back seat to his recovery. I totally 'get' that they need to put their recovery first; especially at first. But this sounds in excess of what it should be. And no one, I mean no one, has any business having access to your finances. I am appalled by that. Hang in there, hon. And just know your feelings are very valid.

aliciagr

Thank you Flowerpower,

I have been to more than 6 alanon meetings like is suggested, and I understand the point of self care but Im sorry this idea that people cant walk and chew gum.. that each person is supposed to only work on their recovery with a huge focus being on AA, sponsors, meetings, sponsorship and then someday down the road maybe the marriage can be worked on has never sat well with me. I have bounced back and forth over should I keep going to meetings? Even though my husband does not work an AA program. Ive felt guilty, like I wasnt doing my part, even though I have been involved in therapy with a professional now for months and its helping. When I went to meetings all I got was dont get involved with him or his stuff. But we are married and our marriage was being neglected and we couldnt communicate. It wasnt until we both got into individual therapy and began doing family therapy together and started talking and working together that things have got a lot better in our relationship.

I know many people here swear by Alanon and AA, but this is just my feeling. Ive suffered a lot of confusion about it all and hearing someone highlight some of my concerns is helpful.

Berrybean

I've heard of plenty of people in AA and AlAnon who also make use or counsellors, therapists, marriage guidance. At the end of the day, that's not what AA is for, so it's only responsible to find professional help where pertinent.

Sometimes finances or whatever can come up on inventories. Usually under fears, and amends owed. And I'm typical in that sense. I can't imagine my sponsor ever asking to look at my finances though. She'd give me the eyebrows and tell me to take back responsibility for it, and talk to my partner.

Actually I've never heard anyone told to split up with someone who they first get sober, unless it's literally someone they met really, really recently and still at that exciting just-met stage. That's for pretty obvious reasons. With regards to stable and established relationships, all I've ever heard is don't make any big decisions or changes in the first year (so, DO NOT leave your wife or husband or long term partner). And as far as relationships in the rooms?!? Phew, you should see my sponsors eyebrows jiggle about on that issue. She (and most old timers) are very disapproving of any of that malarkey. The rooms are for recovery. Men stick with the men. Women stick with the women. (Everyone gets stressed about the best way for gay and transgender members to find sponsors and support - not out of judgement of their sexuality, but just because it's hard to know how to apply that principle in a straightforward manner). I've been told since I went in the rooms do not give my phone number to any males, ever! That had to change a bit this year as I've been secretary and need to take numbers of people coming to share /speak.

I've also heard of very strict sponsors who have said that more time should be spent with family. Basically, when you're doing a 12-step program, it's all very well going to meetings and meeting up with your sponsor, but once you've got the hang of things, most of the work done in any day is alone. At work and at home. As we drive. While we do the grocery shop. We apply the principles of the program to every area of our lives. There should be no need for people to hang out at club houses all day, surely! A bit like if you consider yourself a true Christian, following God's path, going to church on Sunday is only a small part of what you do. Your daily prayers and meditation, your bible study, how you live your life, how you interact with others in the world, that is living as a disciple of Christ. So, being active in AA and working the program is something that really doesn't necessitate sitting gas bagging in a clubhouse all weekend. That's just escaping life, not learning to Live it, which is what recovery is all about.

Anyway. That's just my experience of AA (in the UK).