Tansy

One of my younger boys came to me tonight and said he was upset dad was crying when he left today. He said it cut him here and he pointed to his heart. He swallowed hard like he was trying not to cry. I knew we had to have the chat. The one about his dad being an alcoholic. I explained how his dad had refused to get any help for his addictions and preferred to blame others, namely me for them. 15 year old son listened and turned to me and said "You didn't. He has problems and he wanted to drink. He blamed you cos it was easier. I understand you can't live with him, I was just sad cos he cried. I'm sad he had to go but I don't blame you for him going."

I feel for my son. He is very sad, a bit bewildered cos to him it was simple. ...stop drinking. He feels rejected in favour of drink, pills and nicotine.

I think he needs to see someone to help him. I don't know how. His whole childhood was this. I feel bad it was. I feel like I should have given him more sooner. ie split with x sooner.... x only been gone 10 hours but already my other son has come out of his room and expressed a wish to go out on a trip. This child never leaves the house and until today walked around in industrial ear defenders. He's taken them off. I was stunned.

FireSprite

Wow, the shift away from that negative energy must have been HUGE for both kids to react so immediately & purposefully. THAT is incredible & if it were me, it'd be the biggest, best-est sign from my HP that I was on the right path to where I needed to be.

I wish you many more of these positive changes & healing moments with your boys. (((((HUGS)))))

CodeJob

Throw everyone in the car and drive Tansy!

Blossom717

Tansy, you are wonderful for having that talk with him, and it sounds like he is very observant for his age (in a good way!).

I am glad to hear you and your son have found some relief already!

Tansy

Thank you I didn't expect them to react so positively only 10 hours after he left the building either. It's peaceful, no drama's, no worrying what state he will be in cos he won't be here. They can process things at their own pace and know they can ask me whatever they want and I will answer honestly. Younger son will get his trips out and he will re claim his life. It's been on hold too long....for all of us. I have hope for the future now and so do they.

lillamy

I got goosebumps from your post.

Your kids are feeling like the dark cloud they've lived under all their life is lifted.
You know what my 15-year-old said after we had lived separate from AXH for about two weeks?

"It's like... the universe feels less dangerous when Dad isn't around..."

dandylion

WOW.....this is a powerful thread! The truth never looks so clear as when it comes from the mouths of babes.

dandylion

MAGW

Wow Tansy and lilamy - amazing when our children have this insight - great mom moments that you made happen for them, to be away from the craziness.

ladyscribbler

My youngest son has completely blossomed in the year that we've been away from my ex. I feel so grateful looking at how he has grown. That could never have happened if I had stayed.
Hugs Tansy. So glad you and your boys are doing well. I know you've been worried for them.

PippiLngstockng

My children came out of their bedrooms and felt freer to talk to me and each other. No one seems to be living with big secrets any more. When the children need to talk, they find me or each other.

Also, the tension continues, 2 years later, to dissipate. Everyone is still learning how to relax. This has been tough to change in each of us, but over time we keep getting better.

I am proud of my angels, and so glad that I trusted God a little with my family and our fate. We still have lots of challenges with xah, but we have each other for support.

God bless you three.

Tansy

These posts have made me cry good tears. It's wonderful how our children are once the nasty finishes. Really heart warming to read.

Tansy

Son wants to go and live with x. He's nearly 16 and I will have a hard time stopping him. Part of the attraction is his older siblings will be living very nearby and one older sibling in the house with him and x. He misses his dad. He says he wants to go. X wants to have him there. I said OK cos I've no option. He will go anyway. I'd rather he went happily then stormed out of here and feel he can't come back. Looking at how many of my kids have moved near x and are wanting to live with x it seems I was the only one really bothered by his drinking. :/

littlesister1

Oh no, you aren't the only one bothered

WHen my mom FINALLY divorced my dad it was very similar and my brother did go with my dad. I honestly think it's a guy thing...

Rosiepetal

How great that the children feel they can come to you & that they can talk openly with you.
You're a great Mum.

Tansy

He will end up with both boys cos he's alienated all my older kids so whoever stays with me will be ostracised. Son just said to me "Oh you've just worked it out " when I said he was going to be with the most popular parent cos none of them like me. That stung. Ex forced me to get rid of my dog this week too cos he play nipped my son ( the dog is a 6 months old puppy). I'm heartbroken but a friend took the dog. I know I will have to let my other son go too or he won't see his siblings and family any more. So he abuses me for 18 years, brings financial ruin on us, drinks himself nearly to death and ends up with all my kids.....you couldn't make it up.

LLLisa

I deleted my post.

Anna

Your son can begin his healing journey now.

Tansy

One will but the other is going to be living with him again of his own choice.

53500

Sorry Tansy, that hurts but as you said there isn't really anything you can do, given their ages.

Keep the doors and lines of communication open as I'm sure you will. They still need you.

::hugs:: to you..

Tansy

Thanks Yes I think all I can do is support his choices and see what happens. I'm mystified why all my children think x is so wonderful when they all lived through the horror of what he was like as a daily drinker. The emotional abuse of them all and me, he would lurch around their bedrooms at 3 am lecturing them, ( they asked for locks which he fitted cos he'd been too drunk to remember what he did), they 'd find him in his own pee in the kitchen, front room, hall ...you name it he'd walk around the house naked in front of my dd's when he was drunk ( I was asleep,) they listened to the daily rows over the wet bed, the money being drank, no food in cos of it etc.

They all asked/begged me to divorce him and when I finally do they GO WITH HIM! I've lost everything except one child, the twin of one going, who is so disabled he has no choice but to live with me. My feeling is if he had a choice he'd go too. One dd's last words to me, as they moved out were "You f**k with one of us, you f**k with all of us, mom, that's the way you brought us up." I don't know what I did!

All my friends say I have done nothing wrong but I must have done. No one is even speaking to me unless they are forced. I know x has an inappropriate relationship with one step DD and she's enabling him now but the rest's attitude is a mystery. X said we'll thrash it out at some point. I just said "No we won't cos their idea of thrashing out is bullying me into some submission over something they want their own way over. Before they left we had a 3 hour bullying session in which I ended up apologising ( still mystified as what I'd done tho). They pretended to accept this and then spent the night on facebook saying lies about me. Someone told me. Yes it hurts but I know I have to get on with life alone now. X has played them all and they have bought it. As far as I'm concerned they are out of my life. They can come back any time they want but I'm not running after them. They are all adults. They were here 24/7 cos I home schooled them all and some are in uni now or going. All have done really well. The kids were my pride and joy. X knew taking them and my dog would break me. Well he hoped it would but it hasn't. It's come close tho.