A long road - Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I guess I could, but I won't tonight. call me weak or stupid. he is quiet for now. if he gets like that again, I will call and have them take him in.
if he goes in, he will be in for three days. I wish they would take him for three years.,,, but, he will not be allowed back in the house, until after a court hearing. he will be homeless. that is what i fear, not jail.
I know all the cops here in town... my son in law is a cop on the higher end of things, and I know that I won't get taken in. and bailing him out,,, that makes me laugh ...
I know that its probably a matter of time before he gets tossed out of my home. but its all on his head.
thats crazy that you got taken in too, Live. that totally would have pizzed me off, but it never pays to get mad at a cop...lol.
I asked the cop if the judge would make him get counseling.. he said that not likely.untill after repeatedly showing up in court. I think that it never hurts anyone to get help, even if it isn't what they need. our court systems could use some revamping.
they will take him in, keep him three days, he will see a judge on monday, set a court date, write a RO on him, keeping him out of the home, til court. charge him money he cannot pay, then file a warrant when he does not show for court because he cannot pay the fine. he has been there before. and it was a crazy mess. sometimes it makes no sense. they dont have time to do things in the best way for everyone, understandably, but unfortunately. He needs mental help, not jail- unless he tries to hurt me.
if he goes in, he will be in for three days. I wish they would take him for three years.,,, but, he will not be allowed back in the house, until after a court hearing. he will be homeless. that is what i fear, not jail.
I know all the cops here in town... my son in law is a cop on the higher end of things, and I know that I won't get taken in. and bailing him out,,, that makes me laugh ...
I know that its probably a matter of time before he gets tossed out of my home. but its all on his head.
thats crazy that you got taken in too, Live. that totally would have pizzed me off, but it never pays to get mad at a cop...lol.
I asked the cop if the judge would make him get counseling.. he said that not likely.untill after repeatedly showing up in court. I think that it never hurts anyone to get help, even if it isn't what they need. our court systems could use some revamping.
they will take him in, keep him three days, he will see a judge on monday, set a court date, write a RO on him, keeping him out of the home, til court. charge him money he cannot pay, then file a warrant when he does not show for court because he cannot pay the fine. he has been there before. and it was a crazy mess. sometimes it makes no sense. they dont have time to do things in the best way for everyone, understandably, but unfortunately. He needs mental help, not jail- unless he tries to hurt me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, now you got me laughing too. Just don't call yourself stupid or weak, ok?
I have always agreed with you that he has a mental problem....but right now, it has not made his life unmanageable and desperate. So it really bothers you far more than it does him.
He has no incentive to really WANT help.
You have the plan with cutting off the internet, yay for you.
More will be revealed.
I have always agreed with you that he has a mental problem....but right now, it has not made his life unmanageable and desperate. So it really bothers you far more than it does him.
He has no incentive to really WANT help.
You have the plan with cutting off the internet, yay for you.
More will be revealed.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Chic, the internet stoppage must be working or he wouldn't be so nasty, so that's one item off the list.
Now he's at crisis point would it be possible for family members to talk to him about his behaviour and the possibility of therapy? I wouldn't suggest you continue on your own as it's too hard on you mentally and for your health. I really respect the difficulties of the decisions you're facing, but it's gone beyond unpleasant now, and if he doesn't agree to therapy then you may have no choice for your own sake.
I was thinking that if family members talk to him now and point out the consequences of his behaviour he may listen to them. At least therapy and a job would keep him homed. Even he must now realise it can't go on forever.
Now he's at crisis point would it be possible for family members to talk to him about his behaviour and the possibility of therapy? I wouldn't suggest you continue on your own as it's too hard on you mentally and for your health. I really respect the difficulties of the decisions you're facing, but it's gone beyond unpleasant now, and if he doesn't agree to therapy then you may have no choice for your own sake.
I was thinking that if family members talk to him now and point out the consequences of his behaviour he may listen to them. At least therapy and a job would keep him homed. Even he must now realise it can't go on forever.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Chickory,
New to this long road of yours. When I read it, it does not sound like you are talking about an adult male.
Have you ever tried a parent meeting of Al Anon?
Last week I was at a meeting and 2 moms talked about allowing their user kid to move back home bc they were terrified they would not do well at a weekly "drug infested" hotel out in the next county. I reacted, oh well. Suck it up Buttercup, but another mom agreed and had done the same thing recently! I had no idea the hotel was so ridden with users... Well I live "out there" and drove by said hotel that would have killed their "babies." The hotel is closed. They are playing on their momma's worries to stay warm and cozy for free. These locals have a mindset that the next county is some God forsaken area when in reality it is a booming suburb full of families and the usual Kohls, Target, Subdivisions... Not that another weekly hotel would be much better - but come on! He is playing on YOUR greatest fear - him being homeless - but at HIS age - that is NOT your problem. He is sucking the joy out of YOUR life.
New to this long road of yours. When I read it, it does not sound like you are talking about an adult male.
Have you ever tried a parent meeting of Al Anon?
Last week I was at a meeting and 2 moms talked about allowing their user kid to move back home bc they were terrified they would not do well at a weekly "drug infested" hotel out in the next county. I reacted, oh well. Suck it up Buttercup, but another mom agreed and had done the same thing recently! I had no idea the hotel was so ridden with users... Well I live "out there" and drove by said hotel that would have killed their "babies." The hotel is closed. They are playing on their momma's worries to stay warm and cozy for free. These locals have a mindset that the next county is some God forsaken area when in reality it is a booming suburb full of families and the usual Kohls, Target, Subdivisions... Not that another weekly hotel would be much better - but come on! He is playing on YOUR greatest fear - him being homeless - but at HIS age - that is NOT your problem. He is sucking the joy out of YOUR life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
FeelingGreat,
I was just talking with my daughter and she is going to email him, give him the lowdown on what will happen should he get arrested. Her hub is a cop.
all was quiet last night, after the stuff i posted about. heard him milling around, but no more harassment.
I was just talking with my daughter and she is going to email him, give him the lowdown on what will happen should he get arrested. Her hub is a cop.
all was quiet last night, after the stuff i posted about. heard him milling around, but no more harassment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Codejob- There are no close meetings.. but I do wish I had that face to face. I don't know how much more helpful it would be than SR, as I used to go to al-anon and find as much or more helpful information here, honestly. so much collective experience and wisdom, from all perspectives.
Do you have children, btw? Those moms are facing the deaths of their children, in their minds anyway, and I understand their feelings. If my son was using, he would be slowly committing suicide and I would be pretty frantic. My son is slowly wasting his life, and it makes me ill. I know he had higher aspirations, but is too mentally tangled up right now to know how to fix hix mess. Would he be able to if he got tossed out, I dont know.. but his life is not something to gamble on, for my part.
I believe taking myself out of the mix would probably be a good thing, but sometimes mentally affected people fall through the cracks, if not helped when they cannot help themselves.
I guess I ought to find a mental health place to be posting this.
Do you have children, btw? Those moms are facing the deaths of their children, in their minds anyway, and I understand their feelings. If my son was using, he would be slowly committing suicide and I would be pretty frantic. My son is slowly wasting his life, and it makes me ill. I know he had higher aspirations, but is too mentally tangled up right now to know how to fix hix mess. Would he be able to if he got tossed out, I dont know.. but his life is not something to gamble on, for my part.
I believe taking myself out of the mix would probably be a good thing, but sometimes mentally affected people fall through the cracks, if not helped when they cannot help themselves.
I guess I ought to find a mental health place to be posting this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
chicory, I have much concern for you that you need more help and support for yourself than you are currently getting. True, that you have a therapist now.....which is more than you have had and that it a very important thing......but it is only one meeting every week or so.....and, therapy takes time. You are in acute crisis mode, right now and this is simply too big of a stressful load for you to bear alone.
For this, you need face to face frequent human contact that is supportive and understanding. You can't expect that this is going to come from family---except, maybe in small doses. You need a good support group where you talk face to face several times per week and ability to talk to someone by phone whenever necessary.
I'm talking alanon or celebrate recovery in one of the churches. You can find support groups through the dv centers, also.
The inside of your home must feel like a pressure cooker, right now. Please find ways of staying out of the house as much as you can, for now.....until things are cooled down.
Find anything else to do......distance from the fire zone will help you to keep your equilibrium. The less triggered you willl feel.
This IS a long road and it takes tenacity, courage, and, above all.....FAITH.
You have a goal and a plan.......you will absolutely get there as long as you refuse to give up on your self.
dandylion
For this, you need face to face frequent human contact that is supportive and understanding. You can't expect that this is going to come from family---except, maybe in small doses. You need a good support group where you talk face to face several times per week and ability to talk to someone by phone whenever necessary.
I'm talking alanon or celebrate recovery in one of the churches. You can find support groups through the dv centers, also.
The inside of your home must feel like a pressure cooker, right now. Please find ways of staying out of the house as much as you can, for now.....until things are cooled down.
Find anything else to do......distance from the fire zone will help you to keep your equilibrium. The less triggered you willl feel.
This IS a long road and it takes tenacity, courage, and, above all.....FAITH.
You have a goal and a plan.......you will absolutely get there as long as you refuse to give up on your self.
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
chicory, I read your post about alanon after I posted! There are other groups, besides alanon. But, as wonderful as SR is-----there is no substitute for face to face contact during times of great stress. You have probably needed it for a very long time.
It is time to turn over some more rocks, chicory.
dandylion
It is time to turn over some more rocks, chicory.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Now that the internet is off or very limited, what is he doing with himself? it has not even been 48 hours and he went to get alcohol, then started cursing and threatening you enough that you had to call the police.
(How can your daughter email him if there is no internet at your house)? Why can't someone or she come over and look him in the eye and TELL HIM his behavior is not acceptable?
it is a very long road and everyone seems to be tippy-toeing around him while he rants and raves like a lunatic, calling his mother disrespectful names because you enforced a boundary that you gave him 2 months notice about. (talk about run on sentences, sorry)
What about YOUR mental health? You are being made so ill from all of this, doesn't anyone care about YOU....You are just as important as him, even more so because if you can't work, who is going to support him?
I worry for you that this is just the tip of the iceberg, he may escalate and hit you. I hope that you try to put yourself first in this equation. It makes no sense to me, you know deep down that he is playing on your past fears.
hope you have a peaceful day and get some nap time.
(How can your daughter email him if there is no internet at your house)? Why can't someone or she come over and look him in the eye and TELL HIM his behavior is not acceptable?
it is a very long road and everyone seems to be tippy-toeing around him while he rants and raves like a lunatic, calling his mother disrespectful names because you enforced a boundary that you gave him 2 months notice about. (talk about run on sentences, sorry)
What about YOUR mental health? You are being made so ill from all of this, doesn't anyone care about YOU....You are just as important as him, even more so because if you can't work, who is going to support him?
I worry for you that this is just the tip of the iceberg, he may escalate and hit you. I hope that you try to put yourself first in this equation. It makes no sense to me, you know deep down that he is playing on your past fears.
hope you have a peaceful day and get some nap time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
gonna head out to daughters for the day.
they do care, they offer, to come, tell me to call police, or have sil come over, but, I dont want to ask sil, because he is too nice a guy and this is a matter for the town police or mental health clinic. imho. family talks go nowhere.
I have email. I have internet of limited use. he uses for gaming, porn, downloading, etc. its not suitable for that and hes pizzed. but that was my intention, and I expected it.
everyone is not tippy toeing except me..lol. they have begged me for a long time to toss him out, but we all know there are mental issues and we love him.
I guess he reads emails, sends emails, maybe he has a forum. my internet is being goofy, and disconnecting when I try to do anything. cant watch videos..etc.
I do not want my daughter to come here. they have tried that. he is too toxic and they don't have any way to defuse the situation- its up to police, mental health and me. they will come here, take me in, do anything I ask. so that is a comfort.
I might check out domestic abuse support, but I don't want to do that, as it implies I am going to live with this for a long time. I won't. I can throw him out.
they do care, they offer, to come, tell me to call police, or have sil come over, but, I dont want to ask sil, because he is too nice a guy and this is a matter for the town police or mental health clinic. imho. family talks go nowhere.
I have email. I have internet of limited use. he uses for gaming, porn, downloading, etc. its not suitable for that and hes pizzed. but that was my intention, and I expected it.
everyone is not tippy toeing except me..lol. they have begged me for a long time to toss him out, but we all know there are mental issues and we love him.
I guess he reads emails, sends emails, maybe he has a forum. my internet is being goofy, and disconnecting when I try to do anything. cant watch videos..etc.
I do not want my daughter to come here. they have tried that. he is too toxic and they don't have any way to defuse the situation- its up to police, mental health and me. they will come here, take me in, do anything I ask. so that is a comfort.
I might check out domestic abuse support, but I don't want to do that, as it implies I am going to live with this for a long time. I won't. I can throw him out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NO! no!......dv support does not imply that you are planning to live with this for a long time!! Their groups and therapies apply to anyone who has suffered abuse or trauma at any time in their life. They cover the gammit of emotions or symptoms that a person may experience. They are about growth, also. I think it would be a great idea!!!
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He is "too toxic" for YOU to handle alone. I wish you would ACCEPT help for this.
and yes, you CAN throw him out, but when push comes to shove you won't. You refused to press any charges last night when he screamed at you and the police advised you to take that route.
I worry for you that this gets worse before it gets better, but I watch too much crime tv anyway. hugs, you deserve some peace and quiet without all this extra garbage from him. ugh.
and yes, you CAN throw him out, but when push comes to shove you won't. You refused to press any charges last night when he screamed at you and the police advised you to take that route.
I worry for you that this gets worse before it gets better, but I watch too much crime tv anyway. hugs, you deserve some peace and quiet without all this extra garbage from him. ugh.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
chicory, I hate to bring this up, again......but, I feel that it is very important, since it involves the only big leverage that you have, at the moment.
I believe that he still has enough internet to keep himself entertained and isolated in his room. Maybe it isn't what he completely wants....but, he is still making do with it.
You made the boundary of seeing the therapist or NO INTERNET.
If you don't do exactly that-----your boundary has no--or very few teeth. It weakens your position, considerably.
Maybe your family can be of more help in getting you a portable device for your own use.
Please, reconsider this situation.
The stakes are high, on this one.
dandylion
I believe that he still has enough internet to keep himself entertained and isolated in his room. Maybe it isn't what he completely wants....but, he is still making do with it.
You made the boundary of seeing the therapist or NO INTERNET.
If you don't do exactly that-----your boundary has no--or very few teeth. It weakens your position, considerably.
Maybe your family can be of more help in getting you a portable device for your own use.
Please, reconsider this situation.
The stakes are high, on this one.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dandylion,
I am not sure that he won't be leaving here soon as it is. He may go bonkers again, and I will press charges if he does anything to threaten me. Then he will be out. Then I will have my internet.
It may be that tomorrow the internet providers will shut it down further? I don't know. I was under the impression that I would not have ANY internet usage. They did not get me to keep it, or turn it down. it is supposed to be off, until I let them know. its costing me 6.** just to keep the service, but not have it usable. so tomorrow may bring a change.
I will have to spend nearly three hundred dollars for a device , hotspot and pay per month. maybe more. I am not quite ready to spend it, as I need to make my rent first.. but the girls have offered. i have a check coming from our union contract, which will be plenty enough to get what I want and like. but, as I say, I don't want to spend a lot of money and not end up needing it.
I know that this is messing with his mind, and I am not looking forward to what happens when it does go off. after the last few days, I am dreading anymore arguing. Maybe he will agree to go to counsel. I am hoping so, but not much faith in that happening.
Frankly, I think this is enough...he is super pizzed and if he had enough internet, he would be on it, and he'd be so glad that he still had some use. but this isn't going to be enough.. he is going to do something, whether go to counsel, or continue to harass me.
dont worry though. If I notice him doing as usual, I will suspect him of somehow getting it. and I will then just tell them to cancel my internet service. I won't lose ground.If he still has it, I will ask my neighbors if he is using theirs. I would think that is illegal?
I may ask my therapist on Wednesday what I can do, to help with the stress and anxiety, not meds, but maybe as you say, DV groups. I could use some help, I think it would help to keep my resolve strong and maybe they have ideas of what I can do.
I am not sure that he won't be leaving here soon as it is. He may go bonkers again, and I will press charges if he does anything to threaten me. Then he will be out. Then I will have my internet.
It may be that tomorrow the internet providers will shut it down further? I don't know. I was under the impression that I would not have ANY internet usage. They did not get me to keep it, or turn it down. it is supposed to be off, until I let them know. its costing me 6.** just to keep the service, but not have it usable. so tomorrow may bring a change.
I will have to spend nearly three hundred dollars for a device , hotspot and pay per month. maybe more. I am not quite ready to spend it, as I need to make my rent first.. but the girls have offered. i have a check coming from our union contract, which will be plenty enough to get what I want and like. but, as I say, I don't want to spend a lot of money and not end up needing it.
I know that this is messing with his mind, and I am not looking forward to what happens when it does go off. after the last few days, I am dreading anymore arguing. Maybe he will agree to go to counsel. I am hoping so, but not much faith in that happening.
Frankly, I think this is enough...he is super pizzed and if he had enough internet, he would be on it, and he'd be so glad that he still had some use. but this isn't going to be enough.. he is going to do something, whether go to counsel, or continue to harass me.
dont worry though. If I notice him doing as usual, I will suspect him of somehow getting it. and I will then just tell them to cancel my internet service. I won't lose ground.If he still has it, I will ask my neighbors if he is using theirs. I would think that is illegal?
I may ask my therapist on Wednesday what I can do, to help with the stress and anxiety, not meds, but maybe as you say, DV groups. I could use some help, I think it would help to keep my resolve strong and maybe they have ideas of what I can do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it is very simple to take control of the situation..you REMOVE the modem period, you remove his internet, email and everything you said you would do.
you do not have to wait and wonder what is going on.
Your control is wondering what the cable company does, but you are not exercising it yourself. You are playing games, hiding your tablet purchase, getting a hotspot, jumping though hoops, allowing him to keep email and "possibly a forum".
as someone previously said, I agree, your boundary has no structure, it is very bendy. I think that this might stem from your own fear of him and of course you want internet for yourself, it is understandable, but not a firm stance. I do not think he is mentally ill, mentally ill people cannot write computer code and program. I think he is sociopathic in that he cares NOTHING for his mother's peace of mind or happiness, refuses to support himself. this is where something is wrong. (JMHO of course)
No one will ever call me names as he did to you and be allowed in my house, let alone support them, I wouldn't care if they had to sleep on the front lawn.
my daughter once banged on the door for an hour, called me 50 times and screamed at me, but she was locked out..the argument was over a coffee table.
I just took myself out of the equation, she was an adult, she didn't act like one, I refused to engage.
I wish you the best Chic, but I need to step back from this, I find it too insane...I do support you but I feel like it bothers me too much. hugs...from Perry too.
you do not have to wait and wonder what is going on.
Your control is wondering what the cable company does, but you are not exercising it yourself. You are playing games, hiding your tablet purchase, getting a hotspot, jumping though hoops, allowing him to keep email and "possibly a forum".
as someone previously said, I agree, your boundary has no structure, it is very bendy. I think that this might stem from your own fear of him and of course you want internet for yourself, it is understandable, but not a firm stance. I do not think he is mentally ill, mentally ill people cannot write computer code and program. I think he is sociopathic in that he cares NOTHING for his mother's peace of mind or happiness, refuses to support himself. this is where something is wrong. (JMHO of course)
No one will ever call me names as he did to you and be allowed in my house, let alone support them, I wouldn't care if they had to sleep on the front lawn.
my daughter once banged on the door for an hour, called me 50 times and screamed at me, but she was locked out..the argument was over a coffee table.
I just took myself out of the equation, she was an adult, she didn't act like one, I refused to engage.
I wish you the best Chic, but I need to step back from this, I find it too insane...I do support you but I feel like it bothers me too much. hugs...from Perry too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am sorry. I am not meaning to play games.
I have had to get the courage to do what I have done so far. If I go into his room to get the modem,it may lead to physical struggle....not what i want. I waited a long time to get this far, and I can wait til tomorrow to see if the internet goes off or not. Knee jerk reactions seldom lead to good things. just because the internet did not go totally off, does not mean I have to do anything today.
perhaps I need to stop posting. I can see that others are bothered , and that surely is not what I want. my problem isn't anyone elses'.
I have had to get the courage to do what I have done so far. If I go into his room to get the modem,it may lead to physical struggle....not what i want. I waited a long time to get this far, and I can wait til tomorrow to see if the internet goes off or not. Knee jerk reactions seldom lead to good things. just because the internet did not go totally off, does not mean I have to do anything today.
perhaps I need to stop posting. I can see that others are bothered , and that surely is not what I want. my problem isn't anyone elses'.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You have nothing to apologize to ME for and you certainly should not stop reaching out. I said I was stepping back.
you are in the middle of this and know your best way you think to handle it, I am just the observer..i am stepping back so I don't make things more upsetting for you by interjecting.
you are in the middle of this and know your best way you think to handle it, I am just the observer..i am stepping back so I don't make things more upsetting for you by interjecting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Fandy, it comes down to the fact that I am not ready for my son to be homeless. And that is where things seem to be heading.
my goal was to get him help. not throw him into the streets. I do not want to get that phone call at 2am, saying that druggies beat my son up under the bridge and he is dead. I live in one of the most disgusting towns in ohio.
my goal was to get him help. not throw him into the streets. I do not want to get that phone call at 2am, saying that druggies beat my son up under the bridge and he is dead. I live in one of the most disgusting towns in ohio.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
