A long road - Part 2

Old 08-14-2014, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
It has been the hardest time I have gone through. four divorces and this is h arder by far. it is heartbreaking to wonder if your grown child has a mental illness or if he is just a super azz####, mean, nasty, selfish, lazy, etc.

I am telling myself that this will bring about something good. Even though I am feeling sick at my stomach, from the arguing, which is so hard to avoid, and dread of his temper, and fear that he is just mentally unbalanced. No one else would help him, and it hurts to think that maybe there will be no happy ending. Just very hard to do. Maybe others could do something like this more easily, but we are all different.
fourmaggie, I dont have your backbone. and that makes things very hard for me. but i am going forward, but hating every step. just trying to have faith .
People can be mentally ill and ***holes at the same time, but often it's to do with what they can get away with. He has challenges, but he hasn't had an incentive to change either, and you forcing his hand has brought out his fear, expressed as anger. The fact that you've had to force yourself every step of the way increases my respect for your courage. He's not the only one struggling to change behaviour.
I know going back through the lead up to this has made you feel guilty, but you're the only one who's been there for him. Certainly not his father. A friend with 3 boys where the father checked out early, told me it's very hard to stay strong with only you to hold the line.
You're not going to be around forever, and you're doing him favour by forcing the issue now. If he gets treatment and a job, I hope you'll follow up with having him leave. It may not have a happy ending, but you have to try.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:16 AM
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feeling great expressed thing beautifully. what you are doing is the best thing. Just because he is older in age doesn't mean that you don't care, you are even more concerned because he hasn't flourished into an adult like your daughters.

Kids are supposed to leave the next and be on their own, as parents we want them to have better and to succeed. when all is said and done, he may be OK with help and meds and this story COULD have a happy ending, where he thanks you for the swift kick in the buttisimo.

you can be realistic and optomistic too. I hope he likes the therapy group....it will be his only entertainment without internet and tv reruns.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:31 AM
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The internet and phone went off for an hour, some problem, I heard a loud pop outside.

He was in bed, but when he got up and noticed, he came and was hateful, asking if I finally managed to turn off the internet. I said no, it wasn't me, but that it is scheduled for tomorrow shut off. He is pretty pizzed and angry.

I got so upset, with dread, and anxiety. I am trying to dredge up some peace... my anxiety is through the roof. I am just telling myself that I can handle this, and that if he gets bad, he will deal with professionals,, if necessary.

Not talking to him, not answering his manipulating arguments. Looking to find faith in that God has this one, and I need to let go. but protect myself. anger frightens me a lot. and I don't know if I have reason to fear him, or if I am just very afraid of angry people who may not be dangerous.

I hope he does go, Fandy.

Feeling Great-
He has challenges, but he hasn't had an incentive to change either, and you forcing his hand has brought out his fear, expressed as anger.
Thank you! These things help. Seeing the big picture is difficult for me right now. Fear clouds my vision! I will not stop until he gets another place to live, or gets disability if necessary. will cross that bridge when I get to it.. a day at a time...
but it helps when I read these things.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:50 AM
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chicory, I wonder if you could discuss with your therapist, by phone, the possibility of taking something for anxiety......just for this acutely difficult situation. This is sometimes done....under supervision, for extraordinary situations like before dental procedures and impending surgery, etc. I think this would qualify.

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Old 08-14-2014, 10:22 AM
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You should not be afraid in your own home fearing your own adult child. That alone speaks volumes about how far this goes with him.

Chic, he has got to stop his spewing before he physically hurts you. Please, please let your son in law come over and give him some "strong" advice today, not tomorrow.

and WTF is he doing in bed at 11AM on Thursday?
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:09 PM
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Dandylion, I almost would consider it, but I want to be clearly here, for this. The anxiety was bad today, and after I told him that the internet was going to be off on friday, I got really anxious. But, after a bit, I talked to my daughter, and it helped me to calm down. I went to work, and was able to distract myself , until I felt much more relaxed.

It gets bad, and then eases up, so I think I will be alright. Not out of the question though, lol, if things get even worse.

You know Fandy, I am so scarred , from being a child of alcoholics, that I don't see the horror in it that others would. I mean, I know it is horrible, but I am so used to dealing with stubborn, selfish, and dysfunctional people, that it feels like my lot in life, you know?

I know what healthy is, but how to achieve it is tricky for me. I am getting better though.
I should never be afraid of my own child. it breaks my heart, when he gets enraged and I get nervous, and angry about it. He has never hurt me, but its like he barks like a mean dog. I dont know if he is trying to scare me or if he is just that full of anger. He usually apologizes a short while later, so I think it is anger.

I only hope that some day he realized how awful it was, and I hope he can change enough to work, to feel good about his self, and to feel like he has value.
I am working hard to see him as a grown man , instead of my son who used to be so thoughtful and sweet and never said a mean word to anyone.

I guess he was up all night on the computer. That is how it has been for a long while now. you cant feel like job hunting when you spend all your time , day and night, and I believe its an addiction in itself.
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:26 PM
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His behavior is frightening to me ...just reading it... You need to realize that this is NOT right, you sound so resigned. and you should NOT be. this is YOUR home, you work for it and pay the bills.. He lives there because you ALLOW him to.. not because he is entitled to have this home and all the perks.

Chic, think like normal folks...my daughter is out the door and I did not care if she lived in her car...she wasn't coing back here. she survived just fine....and she has her own idiotic *issues*, I don't even bother myself, I contact her husband to give her messages in case she wishes to acct like a human...NO CONTACT. ( I am talking about my brother's cancer biopsy...she refused to acknowledge my breast biopsy).
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Old 08-14-2014, 06:50 PM
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I hope you dont think I meant literally 'barking' like a dog. just meant he gets loud and angry.
I guess I am not that frightened. we have had some terrible arguments and he has never hurt me, but did grab my arms once. that is bad, yes. I don't fool my self thinking it could not happen, but will be careful not to argue, and will call in reinforcements the moment he begins to get angry and nasty.

I am saving my SIL for when needed.

He does not have a car to live in. He is my son, mean or not, and i cannot sleep if I think he is on the street with all the heroin addicts in my town. Its not that bad that I have to throw him out, yet. it may have to happen someday, I know. but I am hoping to get him some help, and then he is on his own.. I can't make him be a better person or successful, or healthy. I am just hoping that somewhere inside his self, he wants a better life. I may be wrong but I think that he does. and is tired of things. He mentally needs help.

He hasn't said a word since I got home this evening. peaceful.

hugs
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Old 08-14-2014, 07:24 PM
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(((Chic))) - Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers. Does your phone have Internet? Just want to make sure you have a way for us all to keep in contact. I may have missed this earlier.

Will keep you and your son in my prayers. I lost my backbone decades ago. Have gotten most of it back, thanks to all the great people here, but it took a while.

Love, hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:25 AM
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Good luck today Chic, the easiest fix for you is a smartphone with 4g and internet access. It will keep you connected for $30.00 a month ( I have Verizon with the basic plan and 2 gigs, my total bill is $86.00 a month with my govt. employee discount, most people pay $100. or so). Costco has all the carriers and the cheapest prices on smartphones mostly....their techs set it up for you and you are back in business in about 10 mins. I use Verizon.

I hope things work out and you stay safe, go to the library to log on if you miss us. Maybe a few days without internet will show him how to appreciate what you are doing.

above all don't take his crap. he know the weak points and will pay you. sending you a hug and the slapomatic...and cookies.
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:26 AM
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Keeping you in my prayers today, Chic. Stay safe and just keep moving forward.
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Old 08-15-2014, 03:26 AM
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thanks (((Amy))) for the thoughts and prayers. I do not have internet on my phone. Am trying to figure out what to get. tablet, smartphone, etc.

I have the daughters internet, to check in with. they don't live far from me.

I am glad you are doing so well, sweetie. It was a rough road for you, but you never lost hope. neither will I

may not have internet after today. its shut off day... but since its Friday they said it could be Monday, but I doubt it.
thanks for all the good thoughts and support!

Fandy and Ann... thanks! Cookies, slapomatic, hugs from good friends-I am armed and ready!

Yes, I am telling myself that its healthy to keep moving forward, doing the right things, with healthy boundaries. Not going on smarts here, but on faith.

love ya's
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:54 AM
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(((((((((((((({BIG SQUEEZY HUGS}}}}}}}}}} for you today Chic!!

Hang in there; stay Strong, stay Brave!
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Old 08-15-2014, 07:49 AM
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I hope you have a good day....

I have no doubt that he will Huff and Puff, Peak and Freak,ultimately make a million excuses and do anything he can to wear you down.

Your requests are simple, REASONABLE and sane, you didn't pull this out of the blue, you gave him 60 days notice, you were FAIR, more than fair. you even offered to drive him to the session. the rest is up to him and he is more than capable, but doesn't want his bubble bursting.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:40 PM
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well, It appears that I have enough internet service to do what I do..except surf the web...which is probably what he does. He said that whatever I did made it practically useless. good news, right?
if he wasn't being a jerk, it would be. I will be ready to call the mental health crisis group, as I really think he is the biggest jerk I know.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:49 PM
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Will they turn the full service off on Monday....?

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Old 08-15-2014, 05:51 PM
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I'm not sure. They ratcheted down the capabilities, no doubt, but he cannot play his games or access his usual stuff, or he would not be furious.

It is taking forever to download a page, such as Dollar General, or tmobile.

it isn't going to be disconnected, but on what is called 'seasonal disruption' or something like that.
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Old 08-15-2014, 06:17 PM
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Chic - it sounds like your son has a gaming addiction so please be very careful.

Video Game Addiction is an excessive or compulsive use of computer games or video games, which interferes with a person's everyday life. Online game addiction has a negative image and is becoming a public concern. Video game addiction may present as compulsive game-playing; social isolation; mood swings; diminished imagination; and hyper-focus on in-game achievements, to the exclusion of other events in life.[1][2][3] In May 2013, the Americal Psychiatrist Association (APA) added video game addiction to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and accepted it as a disorder that was included in the Conditions for Further Study section as "Internet Gaming Disorder". Though internet gaming disorder now is acknowledged as a disorder, it is still discussed how much this disorder is caused by the gaming activity itself, or whether it is to some extent an effect of other disorders.

Video game addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Old 08-15-2014, 06:31 PM
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Chic - I'm just glad you were able to check in. I think you have my phone number, but if not, let me know. Hang in there, sweetie. You have taken a step you wouldn't have not 6 months ago. This is progress! It may seem slow, but it is baby steps in the right direction.

You know me as much as anyone does. Think of all the baby steps I have taken, and realize that you are doing the same. Is it comfy? Hello no. Does it lead to another baby step forward? Yep

I'm proud of you, and I only want what is best for you and your son. Even if it doesn't feel right at first. You will be okay. You have all of us to hold on to when times get rough.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-15-2014, 06:44 PM
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LoveMeKnow, thank you for the link. He does play world of warcraft with his dad..argh. He spends a lot of time developing his animation/programming stuff too. and chats, forums, his whole social life, basically.
If I can access my forum here, he probably can. I think this is weird, and maybe it is going to be shut down more completely Monday, but if not, it seems the perfect solution. He can access job listings, email, prob. chat, but no games or downloads that he does usually.

I am trying to keep in mind, my girls are helping me, that he isn't this mean, normally. That he is angry, and is resisting my actions. I am in the eye of the storm as the girls said, right now. Its bound to be painful, and the way unclear.

((amy)) yes, you did make a long trek with some baby steps, but you got there. and I am so proud of you
thank you for encouraging me. which means, gives me courage, I guess

love to all. and big hugs.
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