orca

My boyfriend has been sober for 54 days today.. (I think).. Over the last weekend he planned and took me on a wonderful vacation. I am still so full of joy and love for him for doing it. Unfortunately... In the middle of the night on the last night, an old high school girlfriend of his called his cell twice. Right before he hit bottom 55 days ago, there was a 6 week period of time where he was drunk 24 hours of every day. During that time, he'd reached out to her and they exchanged lewd text messages. We were broken up.

He sincerely apologized many times the night she called and woke us both up. He also apologized the next morning, saying he feels like he wants to be upset with her, but feels it's his fault and he would fix the situation. We fly all day home. We're both exhausted, I'm also hungry.. I tell him those things after he asks if I'm okay. Then he does the "I mean 'really' okay?" face and is holding my hand. For the first time I said, "you know, I guess I am feeling kinda weird about the calls." He lets go of my hand and looks off, and we both sat there in silence before I then timidly asked if I'd done something wrong. He responded with "I just never know what I'm going to get with you." Which is insulting and not true.

The next morning, he started a tirade of essentially calling me bi-polar (I'm not), talking about extreme mood swings he feels I have (projection), told me that I make him want to drink and the Big Book says so, then stormed out saying he was going to the bar. (He didn't.) He came back 20 minutes later and said something amazing: "I feel so guilty about the sad things I've done when I was drunk and all of my anger is my guilt and I've been taking it out on you." To me, that is so awesome.

I went about my day - we had 3 parties to go to that evening and he sent me e-mails about them in the afternoon. An hour before the first one, I couldn't reach him. My call went straight to voicemail. So I e-mailed him. He said he blocked my number and "needed time to think." Then he called and said he was bailing on the first party, might on the other 2 and that he needed time alone. I'm freaking out in my head and stupidly don't try to get to a meeting myself.

When he called to say goodnight, he was still in a crappy mood and chippy and I was trying to get all of my feelings out.. None of which were blaming him at all, but sounded panicked because I went right back in to hostage mentality. He hung up on me and then wrote an e-mail saying "I blocked your number, the home ringers are turned off and I'm shutting down my computer. Goodnight." I responded with "Take the time and space you need."

I'm going to a meeting today. I'm worried he's drinking again, but feel like such an idiot for it. I hate this.

Does anyone have any opinions or thoughts? Thank you..

yensid

I think we all feel stupid when they start drinking again. I know I did. But remember that we didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.

As for having plans with the A...I heard this at my meeting yesterday...have a Plan A, B, and even C. If you have plans with the A and he doesn't follow through, have someone else lined up for a last minute invite, or even go alone. That way YOU have a plan and don't depend on him to ruin your plans.

I hope your meeting helps today. Keep posting here too. {hugs}

redatlanta

Red flags for relapse.

A blame shifter and manipulator. I'd like to know where in the Big Book it says that you are causing him to drink? Did he say? Because I have never read that. Maybe he has a different edition than I do LOL.

Sorry you are on this roller coaster. Keep up with your meetings. Perhaps NC would be best for you at this time.

hopeful4

It sounds like he is trying to make excuses in his own head for his behavior and shift that to you. It's not fair and is making you feel like you are wrong for nothing. I agree maybe no contact for a while would be best. He blocked you for a while? I would be very suspicious of that. Maybe it's time you block him for a while and focus on YOU.

Hugs.

orca

Thank you so much for your thoughts everyone. @redatlanta When he said the Big Book thing, I laughed awkwardly because it's such a crazy thing to say, but he yelled it so it sounded serious! Ugh. My body is showing me real signs that I have to focus on myself, so I don't think I can hear that suggestion enough right now! Thank you all. This is really cathartic and I'm so grateful to be here.

orca

And @hopeful4 I am suspicious of it. We've been in a relationship for 3 years, his reactions are so disproportionate to what happened... Being blocked from calling him is just insane.

FeelingGreat

hi orca, doesn't sound good. Reading his mind, I'd say blocking contact would be so you don't get to hear him slur his words. I may be wrong; let your instincts be your guide and don't expect him to be truthful.
It's great that you're supportive, but nothing says you have to tolerate rudeness and hostility. There's no point in getting into a verbal argument with an A or telling them how you feel when they're being unreasonable. The best response is to tell them you expect basic courtesy and you're going to hang up now.

BBTaco

My ABF also blocked my # and has relapsed, haven't heard from him in over 3 weeks. Totally devastated. I'm sure he's on a bender somewhere. His reactions are also ALWAYS overly dramatic. He isn't speaking to me now because I wasn't at home when he wanted me to be at home one night. So that's what he does. Shuts off, can't deal with me, and disappears, calls his exes, makes up sob stories. I have been going to Al-Anon and hoping to hear from him soon, but also so pissed off and hurt. He also likes to call me bi-polar, psychopath, etc, for no reason. 5 years of this. I COMPLETELY sympathize! And in NYC At least we have lots of meetings we can go to!

AnvilheadII

hmmm, he could block YOU in a heart beat and a half, but the ex gf had no problem getting thru, at 2 in the morning.

case in point - how he deals with exgf (by not doing anything):

He also apologized the next morning, saying he feels like he wants to be upset with her, but feels it's his fault and he would fix the situation.

and how he deals with you:

An hour before the first one, I couldn't reach him. My call went straight to voicemail. So I e-mailed him. He said he blocked my number and "needed time to think."

i don't think it's the drinking that's the issue here....

orca

@anvilheadII He blocked her number that night also and she's stayed blocked :/

atalose

If he's drinking or not drinking............is this how you want to be treated?

orca

@atalose You're right.. I definitely don't and I couldn't imagine treating somebody, anybody else like that. I feel like a complete idiot and so backwards. Thank you..