iamthird

Is it just impossible? I try to keep it minimal but literally everything is a jab at me or a fight. He holds up his end financially and logistically but it always comes with the commentary/quacking. I need advice from those further down the road than me on this....is it unreasonable to think we could ever be successful co-parents at the very least? Or because he is active A...no chance for peace? Not sure how to protect myself these days.

We have financial arrangement and visitation schedule but things arise. For example today I had to let him know we need to pay for bus transportation for school by Aug 15th. Wanted to let him know because we split it and I didnt want to blindside him at the last minute with additional expense. He said if its not life or death he has nothing to say to me...thats today. But 2 days ago he loves me, blah blah blah. The extremes are just so hard to endure even just as co-parents!! Taking a deep breath...I know he is miserable.

ladyscribbler

I think that it's the progression of the disease. Nothing can get better because the active alcoholic is always getting incrementally worse. That has been my experience. Also had to deal with the roller coaster of kindness turning abruptly to anger or blame. I am fortunate not to be dealing with ongoing custody issues, but I recently filed the child support paperwork and he was nuts for a couple of days. I am going back to no contact until the hearing next month.
The problem is that you're trying to be reasonable and handle things like an adult while he is not capable of that level of interaction. Maybe in the future just mail him and invoice/bill via registered mail since he is going to be a jerk whether you "blindside" him or not.
Hugs. It's so sad when our kids are the ones who suffer.

Bullfrog

Well, I'm 9 months in, post divorce. In my opinion, no, coparenting (real true coparenting) will not be possible. I tried. But it is better that I accept that it's all on me (and my HP.)

But who am I kidding? Even when we were married, there was no co-parenting. Why did I expect that to change post-divorce?

hopeful4

I am 5 months in and it has gotten lots better in the past couple of months. If he starts to quack I simply hang up the phone. I also try to communicate by texting only which is good for both of us. It got worlds better when I stopped engaging with him. It is like a little child, once they see they cannot push your buttons they stop trying.

Thumper

This is what helped the most in the short term.

* Email communication only.

* I prepared an email with every tiny bit of information. Contacts for doctors, dentists, orthodontists, schools, teachers, daycare, etc., school website (so he could find calendars and such), visitation schedule, contact info for our small town newspaper (because it is not my job to inform you of the community happenings), where their pictures were uploaded to, etc. I sent it every single time he said he didn't know something or having something One click easy. No angst or arguing about the fact that he did have that info (or know where to find it - I'm not his personal secretary). He used these items as a way to keep me running in circles and reasons to verbally berate me endlessly. This email was like a gift from the heavens and after sending it 50 times or so he finally quit. He never contacted anyone, showed up for anything, or looked at any of it one single time I'm certain.

* I quit asking him anything. I used to ask him if he'd like me to drop the kids off with him if I had to work at night or get a sitter (way easier for me to get a sitter). He'd either call me every 15 minutes the entire time he had them or cause some other kind of drama for me having asked. I used to call him to make arrangements on his weekends or try and talk about things I might need to send or any random thing. This ALWAYS ended in me being upset and him acting like a complete ass. I quit (thank you SR). I never called him for anything. He wanted to see the kids - he called to arrange it or it just didn't happen. It was such a relief when I stepped away from that. I always got a sitter if I needed one. He didn't pay his child support or anything for that matter but in your case I'd set it up so that the bus company sends him the bill.

* For us he disappeared rather quickly. Contacted with the kids pretty much ended and he moved away. He did eventually get sober and he see's the kids once a year now. A week last year and two weeks this year. When he was drinking the disappearance was a blessing. It was hard for the kids but not as hard as all the flaking out and drama when he was here and active.

iamthird

Thanks everyone. I guess you all pretty much reaffirmed what I already thought...pretty much impossible. Gotta work on detaching even further!

allysen

Exactly! I'm a little over a year separated from my XAH. It does get easier when you detach further. You have to stop letting the things he says get to you. Eventually, the quacking goes in one ear and out the other and you don't think anything more of it. The relationship I had with XAH had to change drastically if we were going to coparent with any degree of success. And we're doing it.

iamthird

Youre right. If he had the ability to reason and communicte effectively, we would still be together. Lol!!

Rosiepetal

My XH isn't A but NPD.
I get the attacks too but since I've gained some control over our court proceedings & taken some of his power he's decided not to talk to me at all.
That also makes it hard to parent when their is no response to things popping up.
Either way you can never win against these people, they just thrive on making our lives difficult.
Hang in there, hugs to you.

peaceofpi

Thumper, thanks for the awesome suggestion about the email. Yes, I will do that!

We communicate by email or text; we adhere to the agreed-to custody schedule with few requests for change (agreements always in writing); and I try to send everything related to our child to him.

My main problem with coparenting is him driving our child drunk and leaving him strapped into his car seat in a hot car while he goes into stores to buy his cigarettes and liquor.

Thumper

That is a concern. I had that concern as well. I didn't do a thing about it and that is something I'm sick about now. If that were to happen today, after the progress I've made since then, I would call the cops and report it if I knew when/where it was happening.

hopeful4

OMG....call the police! Scary stuff...

iamthird

Just had the most silent awkward exchange of DD6. No words were spoken. She was asleep. He got her out of bed and carried her out the door with not so much as a look in my eye. Not dramatic. Just disconnected. Oh well, gotta get used to this. Guess silence is better thank quacking!!