Help me understand my husband

Old 07-23-2014, 09:10 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Hereandnow2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Help me understand my husband

I'm an alcoholic and am only 51 days sober. He nor did anyone in my life know I had a problem. I confessed to him that I had been hiding how much I drank and had made some poor choices by drinking. I know that I have to repair our relationship because of trust issues. So, I am attending aa and really trying to do everything by the book. I only go to 3-4 meetings a week bc of watching our boys, babysitting issues, ect. I didn't go to a meeting for over a week and went to one yesterday, then went to grocery shopping and school supply shopping while my mom and husband were with boys. I told him I wanted to go to a meeting on sat. With my sponsor and we were meeting prior also to go over some of my step work. His reply is "why do all your meetings last four hours?" I told him this didn't make me feel supported and he said I am supporting you and left for work. I later explained why I was gone so long and he was unresponsive. He's not feeling well so I'm going to try to talk about this more with him tomorrow. He has been amazing, didn't shame me for my mistakes, but doesn't seem to understand the commitment I have to put in for my sobriety. He does not want to attend all-anon. I can't do it without going to meetings. Sorry for the long post, kinda venting..
Hereandnow2 is offline  
Old 07-23-2014, 11:30 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Congratulations on your sobriety! And also for realizing you need help and are finding it.

Trust takes time to develop and that's okay, it's a natural part of recovery. You can believe in someone without necessarily being able to trust them. No expectations come with belief, no strings attached. It's really a nice thing. It sounds like he does believe in you? Asking why the meetings seemed to take so long would be a valid question. Was he mad about it? That would be something different.

Change is hard, even good changes. Does your husband know much about the disease of alcoholism? My husband's been to two rehab centers -- it wasn't that the first was a failure at all, just that there's so much more for both of us to learn. I'm so very glad for the family week programs at both of them.

Have you looked into any outpatient treatment programs or family counseling with a Licensed Addiction Counselor? Even if AA alone is working for you, additional help may be a good learning opportunity for both of you. It took me a long time to see how serious this disease is, and many doctors aren't able to help beyond treating the symptoms of it, unless they specialize in addictions. When the general medical field doesn't grasp it, it's easy to see why the rest of us have a hard time understanding it, also. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease of the brain and body that requires lifelong active recovery. If you had cancer or diabetes, it would be helpful to have a spouse who would take an active role in learning about the disease and supporting you, but we can't change others, only ourselves. Some people can't deal with addiction or any other kind of serious disease. Some need guidance and/or time to start dealing with it. Denial and trying to heal on our own are often two trademark symptoms of both alcoholism and codependency. I'm a big believer in Alanon. That doesn't mean it's for everyone. Getting through the door to the first meeting took me years. We don't get to change anyone but ourselves, but with that everything does change.

There is nothing more important than your sobriety. You're important. You matter. As you work your recovery, things will change.
Mango blast is offline  
Old 07-24-2014, 06:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
There are a few people in my alanon home group w/ spouses that are completely uninterested in working on their own recovery. As a codie myself, working my alanon program I don't understand it either. I suppose it could be denial... from the outside seeing alcoholism working in a loved one is horrible and scary.. its tends to promote paranoia etc. Then if he has any codependent traits they tend to get triggered as well. I could understand being really scared of that darkness and wanting for it to go away and not see how real it is.

I guess its good insofar that he is supportive of you going to AA.. helping w/ the logistics etc. But I don't think its worth a lot of effort trying to convince him of anything- except by demonstrating your recovery. If he sees a lasting change in you- you're more effective, happier, relaxed etc and he's still miserable then it could lead him to a greater interest. But its always possible that he just won/'t be interested and thats it. OTOH a general outline about how AA works and how you're spending your time would likely be helpful- not you justifying your self but to express something like "for 1 hour we read from the bb or respond to a speaker, then I sit down w/ my sponsor and work on the step 4 material which involves a lot of dialog where I dig into the reasons that I started using alcohol". SO you're not making him a party to your program work but showing that it is a lot of pretty hard slogging not just a chat over coffee.

Theres a woman in my homegroup (there because of her son- heroin addict in strong recovery last I heard) but her husband refuses to come, will not discuss the program- "forbids" her to discuss their son's issues with others.. in effect he isolates himself and wants to isolate her too. THankfully she is acting on her own to work her recovery.. its a tough situation and she has to work her program pretty well to maintain her composure.
schnappi99 is offline  
Old 07-24-2014, 08:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Hereandnow2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Thank you so much for your responses! It's really helpful to me. I like the ideas you have.
Hereandnow2 is offline  
Old 07-24-2014, 02:38 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hi here & now,

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right! It sounds like you unloaded a lot of 'truth' and change on your H. Is he still processing it?

Could you possibly try to set specific meeting block times as fall approaches?

My RAH is not particularly supportive of my Al Anon recovery. Luckily for me I found a meeting by my work and go once a week during the day.

Good luck and keep working on you!
CodeJob is offline  
Old 07-24-2014, 02:55 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Fl
Posts: 118
Well in my experience is that it's almost like a double edged sword. When my AH husband uses that's terrible. When he throws himself into recovery I feel like I'm still pushed to the side. Are things better when he goes to meetings? Yes. But the feeling of me being pushed to the side is just that-my feeling. I have a hard time understanding my husbands alcoholism but am detaching. I used to also question when my husband was going to AA, why does he have to go so often/long?Perhaps he just hasn't had enough to wrap his mind around everything. But CONGRATS on your sobriety
heartbrokenK is offline  
Old 07-24-2014, 06:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Woodeye's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
As the husband of RAW, (69 days) of which I also had no idea of her problem until I found her stash just prior to her checking herself into rehab, I can assure you he's hurting and confused. I desperately want her to get better, but also miss her terribly when she's at her meetings and doing step work. It all sucks. Don't push him to go to Al-anon. Encourage him to do research on family dynamics with an alcoholic spouse. If he does that, he'll learn a lot and I bet he eventually sees the need to attend a meeting and the benefit of seeking to change himself. Good luck and congrats on your hard work. I'm rooting for you and for him.
Woodeye is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:00 AM.