They All Keep Telling Me I'm the Problem
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You get to chose how you do this. What they think doesn't count.
So your narcissist mother threw a temper tantrum when you refused to provide her with all of her supply? That's what they do! So your alcoholic husband blamed you when things went wrong? That's what they do! So your codependent mother-in-law threw a fit when you stopped dancing the alcoholic family dance? That's exactly what they do!
To survive in this environment, you have to have other sources to fill your confidence and empowerment buckets, because these people are never going to do it. They will probably always be emotional landmines for you, unless you and they BOTH do work to change that. Alternatively, you can leave this situation for greener pastures.
To me, resisting contact while continuing to live in the same place and while financially dependent on someone who has treated you very poorly who has close emotional ties to people you absolutely don't want to be around, is a losing proposition. Some of this stuff is mind work -- developing a thicker skin, learning how to detach in a meaningful way from toxic family, not going to the hardware store for bread, not getting your day ruined because a toxic somebody did what toxic people do. Some of this is positioning -- not giving them easy access to you at all... geographically, financially, legally.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Stung is . . . . Stung's Problem. (Not MIL's, Not Mom's, Not AH's)
+ Stung has two kiddos to watch out for.
Hammer is . . . . Hammer's Problem. (Not MIL's, Not [I do not even know the letters to describe things, now]).
+ Hammer has three kiddos to watch out for.
Stung, and Hammer, and . . . (all the rest of us) . . . have full time "jobs' with those problems. We do not need to be "their" problems, and their problems do not have to be ours.
Boundaries (and Fences) make good neighbors.
Or at least it keeps the Not So Good Neighbors at bay.
So back to REAL stuff . . . How's Alanon Going?
+ Stung has two kiddos to watch out for.
Hammer is . . . . Hammer's Problem. (Not MIL's, Not [I do not even know the letters to describe things, now]).
+ Hammer has three kiddos to watch out for.
Stung, and Hammer, and . . . (all the rest of us) . . . have full time "jobs' with those problems. We do not need to be "their" problems, and their problems do not have to be ours.
Boundaries (and Fences) make good neighbors.
Or at least it keeps the Not So Good Neighbors at bay. So back to REAL stuff . . . How's Alanon Going?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Ugh! I'm sorry you have to deal with this BS Stung. How unpleasant!
Don't let the quackings of narcisists, alcoholics, and just plain crazy people influence how you feel about yourself. You're not nuts, you're doing just fine.
I think it can all be boiled down to childhood playground dynamics. You aren't letting the mean kids play. Why? Because they're mean. So they call you names to make you feel bad so that you'll let them play. If they stopped being mean and learned to play nice you'd be more than happy to play with them, but they don't. Therefor, not your problem!
They also really need to understand that you and your girls are a package deal, period! To even think to ask for them without you is hurtful, rude, and unacceptable.
Don't let the quackings of narcisists, alcoholics, and just plain crazy people influence how you feel about yourself. You're not nuts, you're doing just fine.
I think it can all be boiled down to childhood playground dynamics. You aren't letting the mean kids play. Why? Because they're mean. So they call you names to make you feel bad so that you'll let them play. If they stopped being mean and learned to play nice you'd be more than happy to play with them, but they don't. Therefor, not your problem!
They also really need to understand that you and your girls are a package deal, period! To even think to ask for them without you is hurtful, rude, and unacceptable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
You all make good points.
I feel like a boulder of burden has been unloaded by blocking my mom on my phone. Kind of silly, but it's true. With her and AH's FOO blocked, AH is now the only person in my life that has treated me like crap. I made it clear to him last night that my NPD mom and his FOO are out for me and for our daughters. It's her own fault that she doesn't have what she wants and doesn't have her needs met. Ditto for his mom. Ditto for him. And ditto for myself. I have needs they aren't being met. No one to blame for that but myself. With the negative distractions out of the way maybe I'll start to actually grab ahold of what I really need.
My relationship with my mom doesn't work for me. So she's out. I kicked her off of my team's roster and maybe she'll be invited back for a future try-out but for now she's out. I told him that he's the only person on my team in danger of being cut. I told him that I understood that his sobriety is still relatively new again and that he is working a program and trying hard right now and I can have compassion towards his situation but he needs to learn real quick (like yesterday!!) that I am NOT a tool in his sobriety toolbox. (He successfully begged his old sponsor to take him back, he's making sobriety friends and recently attended a work dinner and didn't have a drop of alcohol - a first, going to meetings at least once a day, has been in contact with the his priest. He's trying. We did have two uncomfortable conversations on our Disneyland trip but again, he's new to sobriety and he took a walk when I told him that I needed space from him.) He agreed and apologized for the way he has treated me.
Bottom line is that I get to pick who is in my life. No one else gets to choose for me, they don't get to influence who I keep and who I cut. Everyone has their own team and if they don't like my selections then they can make their own and that doesn't have to include me. I'm done being made to feel bad because I'm not meeting someone else's expectations for me.
I feel like a boulder of burden has been unloaded by blocking my mom on my phone. Kind of silly, but it's true. With her and AH's FOO blocked, AH is now the only person in my life that has treated me like crap. I made it clear to him last night that my NPD mom and his FOO are out for me and for our daughters. It's her own fault that she doesn't have what she wants and doesn't have her needs met. Ditto for his mom. Ditto for him. And ditto for myself. I have needs they aren't being met. No one to blame for that but myself. With the negative distractions out of the way maybe I'll start to actually grab ahold of what I really need.
My relationship with my mom doesn't work for me. So she's out. I kicked her off of my team's roster and maybe she'll be invited back for a future try-out but for now she's out. I told him that he's the only person on my team in danger of being cut. I told him that I understood that his sobriety is still relatively new again and that he is working a program and trying hard right now and I can have compassion towards his situation but he needs to learn real quick (like yesterday!!) that I am NOT a tool in his sobriety toolbox. (He successfully begged his old sponsor to take him back, he's making sobriety friends and recently attended a work dinner and didn't have a drop of alcohol - a first, going to meetings at least once a day, has been in contact with the his priest. He's trying. We did have two uncomfortable conversations on our Disneyland trip but again, he's new to sobriety and he took a walk when I told him that I needed space from him.) He agreed and apologized for the way he has treated me.
Bottom line is that I get to pick who is in my life. No one else gets to choose for me, they don't get to influence who I keep and who I cut. Everyone has their own team and if they don't like my selections then they can make their own and that doesn't have to include me. I'm done being made to feel bad because I'm not meeting someone else's expectations for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My mom, MIL and AH are all three ACOA and have never addressed the aftermath of growing up with an alcoholic.
Storytime:
One of my friends divorced her abusive husband. Her mother was fighting her tooth and nail the entire time, telling her how horrid her life would be as a single mother and how the family would be so ashamed because nobody had ever been divorce before in their family. How people would think they were one of those families that had --*gasp* -- problems if she went through with the divorce, and how she really should just do what everyone else does and suck it up.
Well... a few years down the line, it turned out that the mom was very unhappy in her marriage. And that she was repeating to her daughter all the things she had said to herself over 40 years of (unhappy) marriage.
Like Hammer said -- you have your own luggage to carry. They can carry their own. And when they see you offloading garbage you don't need to haul, it reminds them of the garbage they are carrying around. And somewhere see that you are making your life better and that reminds them they have chosen to NOT do that. Your choice of a healthy life is a threat to them, because it means they could have chosen differently and didn't.
You hold your head high and keep on trucking, my friend.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
I had this too. Family telling me ExAH was sick, he needs me, I'm a bad wife for divorcing him. My own children telling me I was the problem and if I just allowed him to carry on as before everyone could be happy ( except no one was) and if not why didn't I move out instead! His family of heavy drinkers and known alcoholics telling me he's fine, blah, blah, blah.. while mortal on the phone. I reacted, possibly not in the most maturest of way, by deleting all my family on Facebook and blocking them, deleting them from my phone and giving my older adult children notice to move out ( they are going 2 weeks) and avoiding his side of the family. I don't need them or their bull. I have good friends who know the truth. My younger children do not need their toxic take on life. I have no qualms stopping them seeing them. They deserve better You do too. We all do.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Stung my dear, have you thought that maybe the problem is the people who you are surrounding yourself with? Obviously your H is trying to manipulate. His mother will to b/c blood is thicker than water and she will try to manipulate you into staying and shoving everything under the rug just for the sake of keeping her sonny boy happy and intact. As far as your mom, quack. Why is she so involved in what decisions you make in your life.
I think you need to just focus on you and your children. Deal with people who don't have addiction or personality problems. The thing they do to others is start to make you feel truly crazy. It's a horrible thing.
The problem is not you, don't forget that.
XXX
I think you need to just focus on you and your children. Deal with people who don't have addiction or personality problems. The thing they do to others is start to make you feel truly crazy. It's a horrible thing.
The problem is not you, don't forget that.
XXX
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm just so sad.
My mom is now texting AH about me. A "friend" started pulling similar crap on me yesterday because I've put distance between us. Then AH threw me a few crumbs of affection last night and I realized that I haven't even had crumbs in close to 2 years. Why do I accept this in my life?
My mom is now texting AH about me. A "friend" started pulling similar crap on me yesterday because I've put distance between us. Then AH threw me a few crumbs of affection last night and I realized that I haven't even had crumbs in close to 2 years. Why do I accept this in my life?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Yes, my mom does exactly this stuff.
It's not a reflection of you. It's what narcissists do when you cut off their supply. They will taint the well. Gas light you. Rally the troops, play the victim. My mom runs straight to the first person that will take her story, hook line and sinker, my sister. My sister and I don't get along for this reason. It does make me sad.
Remember you're cutting off toxic people. Even when you put distance between you, they will remain toxic. Toxic is toxic.
It's not a reflection of you. It's what narcissists do when you cut off their supply. They will taint the well. Gas light you. Rally the troops, play the victim. My mom runs straight to the first person that will take her story, hook line and sinker, my sister. My sister and I don't get along for this reason. It does make me sad.
Remember you're cutting off toxic people. Even when you put distance between you, they will remain toxic. Toxic is toxic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Stung,
I think everything you write here is valid.
Who are the new friends in your life to fill the void?
As for crumbs of affection, maybe this is where you need to dig? Is this really a true statement? You do have two small kids - which is proof of some sort of procreation or technology and also likely proof of how crazy your home life might be. Secondly, your H is working on being a RAH - with some success. Thirdly, you both own your own company. Fourth, you are both in therapy. Fifth, I don't think you even live in the same house right now. Sixth, what role are you playing in this issue?
Man Sends Wife Spreadsheet Of All Her Excuses Not To Have Sex
I sent this article to my RAH as a joke, because I got this guy SO beat.
I think everything you write here is valid.
Who are the new friends in your life to fill the void?
As for crumbs of affection, maybe this is where you need to dig? Is this really a true statement? You do have two small kids - which is proof of some sort of procreation or technology and also likely proof of how crazy your home life might be. Secondly, your H is working on being a RAH - with some success. Thirdly, you both own your own company. Fourth, you are both in therapy. Fifth, I don't think you even live in the same house right now. Sixth, what role are you playing in this issue?
Man Sends Wife Spreadsheet Of All Her Excuses Not To Have Sex
I sent this article to my RAH as a joke, because I got this guy SO beat.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
((((((HUGS)))))) I wish I could say I didn't know how you feel, but I do. Recovery can be so isolating, which only adds to those guilty tugs we get telling us we're doing something wrong. I lost a LOT of family & friends in this process & most I was OK with losing (toxic) but it still hurts sometimes, even now. Especially after being the type of person that did so much for others all the time, because I truly cared... sucks to feel like you have no one in your corner after all.
Can you attend a few extra meetings or do something else for yourself over the next couple of days so that you can get some extra peace & support? Are you doing anything else for yourself these days?
Can you attend a few extra meetings or do something else for yourself over the next couple of days so that you can get some extra peace & support? Are you doing anything else for yourself these days?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
We can't control what others do. Your mom text him - you cut her off - she is doing her thing and honestly its not that unusual.
But what I would like to see is AH taking your side. You are his wife, you feel a relationship with her right now is not possible. So I would expect my husband to respond to her "sorry, I support my wife I won't discuss this situation" and that be that.
But what I would like to see is AH taking your side. You are his wife, you feel a relationship with her right now is not possible. So I would expect my husband to respond to her "sorry, I support my wife I won't discuss this situation" and that be that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Who are the new friends in your life to fill the void?
As far as alanon people go, I do have two lists of people to call but that feels super awkward. I'll exchange numbers with people in person this weekend. Obviously I need the support and I need to reach out to other alanon ladies.
As for crumbs of affection, maybe this is where you need to dig?
Is this really a true statement? You do have two small kids - which is proof of some sort of procreation or technology and also likely proof of how crazy your home life might be.
Secondly, your H is working on being a RAH - with some success.
Thirdly, you both own your own company. Fourth, you are both in therapy. Fifth, I don't think you even live in the same house right now.
Sixth, what role are you playing in this issue?
I would expect my husband to…
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by Stung 
My mom has been threatening to cut me out of her life since I was about 12.
Originally Posted by Stung
Fear always made me comply with whatever she wanted me to do. This time she threatened me and I cut her off. I've never done that before. These are uncharted waters for me and it's really freaking me out in addition to everything else that is going on with myself, with AH, with our kids, etc. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by Stung
My mom has been threatening to cut me out of her life since I was about 12.
Originally Posted by Stung
Fear always made me comply with whatever she wanted me to do. This time she threatened me and I cut her off. I've never done that before. These are uncharted waters for me and it's really freaking me out in addition to everything else that is going on with myself, with AH, with our kids, etc. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Stung,
If you are 29, you have had an incredible amount of success in your life. You have also been really working on a lot of personal insight. Maybe this will sound counter intuitive, but maybe you should just pause and let all of this change settle.
NC with Mom and MIL - fine give it a whirl.
Al Anon - set a commitment to go as you can
AH - he has his sponsor back. Can you let him deal on his own with his recovery?
You- determine the best way to build you up - continue counseling, meditation, whatever works for you.
Your marriage- your RAH was being nice to you and you pushed him away. Explore that.
I suspect you have internalized a lifetime of poor messages about your self worth which has made you a driven person to seek success and all of its symbols. You deserve every success, but do you enjoy it? Do you know how to turn off the drive and just be? I think you are working on this but maybe hitting pause might help you pull all of these efforts into a more steady armor and life approach. You have so much going for you. Just be you today. Let go and see what Saturday brings.
Hugs and namaste chickie!
If you are 29, you have had an incredible amount of success in your life. You have also been really working on a lot of personal insight. Maybe this will sound counter intuitive, but maybe you should just pause and let all of this change settle.
NC with Mom and MIL - fine give it a whirl.
Al Anon - set a commitment to go as you can
AH - he has his sponsor back. Can you let him deal on his own with his recovery?
You- determine the best way to build you up - continue counseling, meditation, whatever works for you.
Your marriage- your RAH was being nice to you and you pushed him away. Explore that.
I suspect you have internalized a lifetime of poor messages about your self worth which has made you a driven person to seek success and all of its symbols. You deserve every success, but do you enjoy it? Do you know how to turn off the drive and just be? I think you are working on this but maybe hitting pause might help you pull all of these efforts into a more steady armor and life approach. You have so much going for you. Just be you today. Let go and see what Saturday brings.
Hugs and namaste chickie!
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