Timeiskey

Dear Friends,

This is a particularly low moment for me. I have this ache in my heart when I think about my ex abf and also my mother who died from her alcoholism. My ex's mother has helped me see many of my own issues in all of this. However, I have come to realize that my engagement with her is causing, I believe, even more issues between them. I came to this city and immediately met my ex. Except for work, my entire world here was his. It has been three weeks since we broke up and all I can say is that it still seems like it is moment to moment for me.

I found a great website on codependency and breakups that I wanted to share with you all. It is tough to go through this information and make a real and honest assessment of myself, but I know it is for the best. It is bad enough to be in this pain, but I don't want to spread it or remain in this same, sick condition moving forward. Here is the website:
http://www.whatiscodependency.com/he...s-breaking-up/

I am looking into counseling now as well, but without proper insurance, it is difficult to afford and find. It gets to a point where you can't keep calling everyone in your phone just to walk over the same painful and familiar territory. I say my ex abf yesterday in the park. I was ill-prepared and my reaction was simple joy. I waived and smiled and greeted him with happiness and joy and he, being better at this than I, simply smiled, said hello and continued past me. I realize that I am the only one still here in this broken relationship. I am the only one that still cares. It made me realize that I have to let go of those who are burdened by my grief. The ones that can still be harmed by it.

It is hard to get moving, to work, to pretend that each moment isn't filled with physical pain in my heart. I was just teaching a class on music, one that my ex would often help with, since he is a musician. Thank God it was an online course, because I had to fight the pain of memories as I grasped at the class content. Sure, I will be alright. Sure, it is all for the best, since alcohol is more important to him than I am. But this is a lonely and sad city without him with me right now. But, I am letting go of the crutches that I have leaned so hard on so that we can all be healthier. It just hurts so damn much. Friends and family are starting to say that I need to move on and that I am still allowing him to control my emotions. I just don't know how to go about getting through this any faster.

m1k3

Take your time and be gentle on yourself. It takes a while to heal. Seems to me you are on the right path.

As for letting go, let the grief come and go as it will and slowly it will fade, as it fades let go of the grief because it isn't part of who you are any more.

For me, it was letting go of the grief. The only one being harmed was me.


((((hugs))))

Your friend,

dandylion

allieclaire...I commend your clarity as to what is best for your own welfare. You are far ahead of the game compared to most when they first arrive at this site.

At 3wks., my dear....you are still in the early, intense part of the grieving process. The symptoms are just as you have described yourself. Fortunately, the grief will not stay like this forever. You can expect to experience a mixture of emotions in the next few weeks as you progress toward healing from this experience. I call it short-term pain for long-term gain.
Just know that grief is the beginning of healing and that there will be an eventual end to it.

You might want to do a search of this site for the experiences of others who are, or were, where you are in your journey. Go the the search button-- on the blue bar at the top of this page. Then. type in "grief".

The sun will come out again for you.

I suspect that your friends as well-,meaning....but, probably not very schooled in the stages of grief. Listen to those who have walked in your shoes.

dandylion

CodeJob

Hello Allie,

So many of us really do get worked up over what the A should be feeling or responding to a situation (often a break up). But hey, they did not really break up with their number one did they? They are likely still going strong with their addiction.

You cared for this guy. It is OK to mourn but I think it is also wise to find a few opportunities to meet some new people (people not significant other).

You are in NOLA right? Check out the Sirens of NOLA. Get into a parade krew! Do something you've always wanted to discover or test yourself.

No reason not to have a bit of wild fun while you knit your broken heart.

allinon

Hi AllieClaire,

I wanted to encourage you to find an Al-anon meeting since you mentioned you didn't have insurance for counseling. Here's the website for the New Orleans area Al-Anon Family Group (afg) : I can't post the direct link since I don't have 15 posts, but the link is

neworleansafg DOT org

There are meetings throughout the city and metro area. I've only been in Al-Anon for 3 weeks so I'm relatively new, but I'm finding a lot of strength already.

I know you are in pain now and you may not want to hear this, but better to face this now at this stage then to go forward with a long term relationship, and ultimately marriage and kids. I wish I had the strength and courage to recognize my AHs drinking long ago..... 30 years of marriage and two kids later and it's very difficult to pull myself away.

Blessings to you. And most New Orleans people are pretty friendly.... they strike up conversations with you in grocery stores, exercise classes, etc. Be strong and look around....there are probably folks you can chat with closer than you think!

allinon

Also, pick up a free copy of "Natural Awakenings" health magazine at local coffee shops or grocery stores. There is a calendar section in the back that lists monthly and ongoing classes and events including free yoga and or tai chi classes to try in the NOLA metro area. This could be a good way of meeting people.

FireSprite

Excellent advice!! I have found many, many new activities with our local publication of Natural Awakenings! That and Groupon have become my first go-to sources for stuff like this.

Timeiskey

M1k3- everyone keeps telling me to be gentle with myself...I will try to take on that advice. It is an adjustment.

Dandy- it is with relief that I am reading these responses. Sometimes, it is hard to determine if my reaction is healthy or not... I look forward to the upcoming peace...you said it is short-term for long-term. I have often said to myself, "ok, today sucks, but today me can help future me by doing or not doing xyz..."

All- I attended my first Al Anon meeting last Saturday...our topic was boundaries, which really started all this thinking. I am looking forward to next Saturday, because we will all go out for lunch afterwards, which gives me a chance to get to know some of the people in the group.

Everyone, thank you for the support. I was able to get up and go into the office...I am feeling a bit better after feeling the love here. Thank you so much.

Santa

You need to let his mother go too. Your contact with her is prolonging your connection to your exabf. That may be what you want, but if you are serious about not orbiting an alcoholic's planet (an attitude I heartily support, as a survivor of a long and difficult marriage to one) - walk away from an ongoing relationship with his mother.

Best to you.

meggem

you sound so sad, and you write so well, I was feeling everything with you.

You are also incredibly strong, you may not feel it, but I thought so when reading your post. You sound reasonable and level headed and it sounds like you are on the right path, keep doing your best, it will get better.

NYCDoglvr

I have been in the same painful place you are so my heart goes out to you. Can you get to Alanon meetings? They saved my sanity and the support got me through to the other side. I promise this will pass and glad you got a reality check by running into him.

HealingWillCome

I'm so very sorry to read that you lost your mother to alcoholism, allieclaire. It's not surprising that you're aching for her right now too. Losing someone to alcoholism creates a gaping abandonment wound. I lost my father to alcohol, not through death, but by his choice to leave our family when I was very young. Not understanding the disease at all, I internalized it as not being worthy of his love. I think that's what we do when an alcoholic leaves us, even through death, because we don't understand the depth of control the disease has over the mind and body of the person it ravages. It creates an intensified kind of grief when we subconsciously, if not consciously, believe that a person has chosen to leave us or lose their own life in favor of a relationship with alcohol.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, allieclaire. I have felt the same pain you are experiencing, wondering how I could possibly make it through another day, just going through the motions and praying for the pain to stop. It does get better. It will. Keep coming here and sharing as often as you need.

PurpleWilder

Have you tried contacting your local county (parish?) health department? Here in IL, you can get counseling on a sliding scale from the county mental health department. I am attending CODA meetings weekly but I feel I need something a little more individual to get over my codie issues on top of 12 step work.

Hope this helps.

Timeiskey

Healing- everyone here has been so supportive. You especially have helped me to feel less crazy and no alone in this painful journey. Thank you so much.

HealingWillCome

I feel like you and I have walked very similar paths, allieclaire. And people here were my lifeline at times, literally. When I thought I couldn't breathe my way through another day, I would come here and if nothing else, just read. Exactly like you're saying, it would make me feel less crazy. I reached a point where my own family and friends were exhausted by my grief and I just couldn't burden them with it anymore. SR was my safety net and my anchor. If you can stand one more reading recommendation, a book that's mentioned often here is 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' by Susan Anderson. It was a game changer for me. I sobbed my way through it, could only handle a few pages at a time most days. But it was another key in my healing. I hope your day is lighter today, allie! Thinking of you.

BlueChair

I have wondered why there arent more threads on the forum that talk about the underlying causes of codependency, and discussion about healing from things like low self esteem, shame, blame, those things mentioned by the article.

Thanks for sharing this link Allieclaire.