Dojang

I know I need to end my relationship, but can't seem to find the strength. I still love him very much, but his drinking is out of control. He lost his job last week and wants to sell his house and move in with me. I have a daughter and can't let this happen, for her sake, and mine. I walk away, but he always manages to manipulate me to come back. I just started therapy, hopefully this will give me the strength to end this toxic relationship. I wish my heart agreed with my head.

hopeful4

It's hard, but always listen to what your head tells you. DO NOT let him move in with you or stay with you. Your daughter, and you, are more than that. I am glad you started therapy, that will be a very good thing. I found with the help of SR, therapy, and Celebrate Recovery it made me strong enough to be able to make the decisions I knew would be right for me and my girls. I had put the addict in my life first for way too long.

Tight Hugs...you can do this.

SparkleKitty

The best you can do is try to take things one day and one decision at a time. Start with saying no to him moving in and let ending the relationship happen in its own time. Therapy will help, coming here when you're feeling fragile will too! Sending you strength to do what you know is the best thing for you and your daughter!

Dojang

Thank you both. The therapist I am seeing addresses codependency, so she is exactly what I need. I am the definition of codependent. I just don't know why I can't seem to give up on him when he has given me every indication he is not going to get help. He has been essentially living with me for a year, but has his own place where I can send him when he drinks too much. Now that he has lost his career, he has even more time to drink. He has child support & a mortgage, not sure what he's going to do. I will NOT help him with bills. He will have to figure that out himself. Thank you for listening. Finding this site has been a HUGE help.

hopeful4

I am so glad you found the site as it is hugely helpful to those of us who are codependent. I too have to watch myself as I want to save everyone, and that's not possible. I was damaging myself and my children by being that way. Sometimes a person needs to be given the opportunity to experience consequences before they can decide if they want to change or not.

Hugs! So glad you are here!

SparkleKitty

Things turned around a bit for me in my codependency when I stopped thinking of "letting people go" (which I found insanely difficult) to "accepting people for who they are" (instead of what I was so darn sure they could be). When I accepted that my XABF had no desire to stop drinking, and that I was the one who had a problem with his drinking, I was finally able to walk away. Some people accept their active A's and continue the relationship with them, but adjust their expectations accordingly.

There's no one path to peace, but whatever ours is, we have to walk it with our eyes open to what is really in front of us, not what used to be or what we hope will be.

Dojang

Thank you SparkleKitty. Very well said.

Fandy

wasn't this the same person who was on a 6-7-10 day binge who was "drinking himself to death" and you were doing "welfare checks"....he actually fell on you, sending you to the ER?

you gave him his key back and went through this whole ordeal of constant chaos. If you allow yourself to be sucked back in, it will multiply and get so crazy out of control.

what does he actually give you from the relationship? He is focused on HIS job (or lack of), his drinking, his disgusting mess he made of his life, HIS house, HIS bills, HIS unpaid mortgage, HIMHIMHIM....you cannot "fix him" but you can fix yourself and protect your daughter from this.

Do you REALLY think you are ever going to have a normal loving relationship with him?

Dojang

Yes, I am the same person. And I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back. My daughter is out of town until Thursday and he has company coming the same day, so he will be back at his house then. Clearly I am getting something out of this relationship or I wouldn't still be in it. I wish I knew how to be stronger.

Dojang

After he lost his job, he sobered up for 3 days and I let him come back to my house. He started drinking again yesterday, but not even close to the degree or amount he was last week. But, I know that will come again in time. I feel like such an idiot for continually believing him when he says he's going to stop. He actually went to AA meetings this past weekend, but here his is, drinking again. And I once again, believed he would stop.

Fandy

last Thursday he was in a binge drinking blackout. this Tuesday (4 days later) he has run the gamut of your emotions, pulling every manipulative tactic and lie out of the book....He has no job, no $$ and has no flipping intentions of changing his habits. He wants to live OFF OF YOU....drinking himself into oblivion along the way.

what is he giving you that is so wonderful? His bills? his wonderful attitude? His ability to contribute and be a full partner?

i hope that you therapist really opens up your eyes, because you seem to have no idea what you are jumping into. and dragging your daughter along for the ride. He is going to drain your bank accounts, your spirit and your common sense. he will not stop drinking unless he wants to.

he will destroy your home, peace of mind and house (maybe he will pee in your bed too). but this is what you want....?

I'm not trying to be mean, but you have control over what happens...your child does not.

unsureoffuture

Hi Laurensofn,

I know it is a VERY difficult decision. If love alone could cure it all, we wouldn't have this board because all of us love our A's. It is not easy to walk away. You have to do what is best for you and your daughter and only you know what that is. It took me almost 2 years to get the strength to leave. You have to follow your gut instinct. That is what is usually correct. Also you have to separate out "what was" and what "could be" with the reality of the situation now. You have to go with "what is". Now he is an unemployed out of control alcoholic. You deserve someone who can stand on their own two feet and be present for it. Not someone who is controlled by the grips of alcohol. You deserve a happy, healthy, loving partner.

hopeful4

Stop looking back and look forward. You said you cannot let him move back in, you know it will be toxic to your daughter. Yet you say he will be right back by Thursday, with company to boot!

I would say look at your beautiful daughter and ask yourself if this is the type relationship you want her in? I say that b/c being in a house with a toxic A is not showing her any sort of role to follow except chaos, enabling, and codependency.

Sometimes you have to force yourself to make decisions that are hard. Please put your daughter before this man you are letting control and demolish your life.

It's hard, but you CAN do it.

XXX

Dojang

Hopeful4,
He is going back to his house Thursday because he has company coming, not coming to my house with company. I am hoping I am strong enough and ready to keep him there and not let him come back to my house. I know what I need to do, for my daughter and for me. But I haven't been able to do it yet, despite the hell he has put me through. Going to Al Anon tomorrow. I have to change me and stop trying to change him.

hopeful4

I see, I am so sorry for my misunderstanding! You can only change you, and despite what you think, you can do it!

I always judge what is going on in my own life with what would I tell my own daughter to do...it's pretty clear that way.

Tight Hugs, glad you are going to a meeting!!!

HopefulFaithful

Lauren... this is my experience with alcoholics lately... They love you and want to be with you when you let them do what they want. They want you to take care of them, their responsibilities and then have the right to complain to you about how things are handled.
Then... when they have a little sobriety... suddenly you don't matter a bit but they will bend over backwards to please some guy in his recovery group or whatever.. but they don't stop slow down and really say thanks. In fact they see you as a threat to their sobriety.. somehow you are blamed if you do and blamed if you don't. This kind of obnoxious garbage apparently is typical of the first year of recovery. So... even if this man gets into a program he may be no cup of tea for a while. Protect your daughter at all costs. When he has proven himself with a year of sobriety who knows if he will be someone you want to spend time with or trust. I am still feeling pain over the last guy I dated that turned out to be hiding alcoholism. I am so proud of him for going to rehab. I miss him.. but.. I do not think he can go through a year of recovery without blaming me for stupid stuff that has nothing at all to do with me. His little web of nonsense in his mind will take a while to recover from. He is a good man with good intentions. But I have seen baloney blame flung my way.. and I hear again and again the first year of recovery is like that. Do you need that in your life? I am saying this trying to get the strength to stay away from someone I care about knowing he will fling crap if I do get involved with him. I hope he is a truly mellow guy after a year of recovery...for his own sake. Trying not to care is hard... but protecting your children should make you stronger.

HopefulFaithful

THIS is what a lot of them do. They are extremely talented at sobering up just enough to tell you they are not drinking ... and hide all the stuff.. and get you to come around so they get what they want... and the second you are out the door... they drink..

That is how these guys got me in the first place.. it can go on for months not knowing they are plastered drunk for a third of their life if you don't see him every day... Then a few leaks happen in their story... and you figure it out.. and maybe they fess up to being an out of control alcoholic at some point.. but after he knows you love him. It is the lies that hurt the most. And I found out my last boyfriend was not sober the 5 years he said he was, but actively drinking. Then after I fell for him I learned the truth... Then it takes me months to not care as much. Yes I helped him get to rehab and I sure hope he is doing as well as he says he is. But it was never fair... because he did not tell me from the beginning. So it is rather like being taken hostage. Even after being sober for a while... the alcoholic.. the last one...does not go out of his way to see that he treated me unfairly.. it is still largely about him and his drama 4 months into recovery. I am interested to know if that will change and if he will get some balance, and if I start to hear it being partially about his almost grown kids, his ex wife, or anyone else he says he loves... anyone but his own drama. When I hear that ... then I will talk to him, maybe. All the while i wish missing him would go away. He is both good and not so great... and I keep hoping the good will prevail, while knowing he has been through rehab more than once. Sane observers say cut your losses and run, you don't have kids with the guy.

NYCDoglvr

I've been there and I know how hard it is. What I learned in Alanon is there is a difference between love and need. And when I admitted I no longer trusted or respected him it was easier to leave. I loved the fantasy of the person I once knew, but not the person he became, someone who chose alcohol over work and our relationship. I also saw that by staying I was allowing enormous pain in my life.

Dojang

Just wanted to give a brief update. He appealed his being fired & they are keeping him, for now. I have had very little contact with him lately. We do work in the same building & I will occasionally have to work with him. Counseling, SR & the book I am reading have been a huge help. He is still begging me to take him back, so I end the conversation when he does. I'm feeling stronger everyday, focusing on my self & my daughter. I can see an improvement in my relationship with her. Thank you everyone. Finding SR was exactly what I needed.