'Functional Alcoholics' - An Oxymoron Fueling Denial
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'Functional Alcoholics' - An Oxymoron Fueling Denial
Great article addressing the term 'functional alcoholics'...
'Functional Alcoholics' - An Oxymoron Fuelling Denial | Mandy Saligari
'Functional Alcoholics' - An Oxymoron Fuelling Denial | Mandy Saligari
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 37
Thank you for sharing. I too do not like the term "functional alcoholic". It's kinda like being sorta pregnant.
I enjoy an occasional glass of good wine or good champagne, or maybe even a fruity cocktail. But that's it, one drink. In my attempt to "fix" our relationship, I have gone along on the drinking parties with my h. I can not do it. I get physically ill. So, I know my limits and you know what, thats ok. And with kids who are the age (15 and 12) where they will be pressured to try all sorts of things, we have talked about being a responsible drinker. That you don't have to get s*&t-faced to have a good time. They have seen me be sick after drinking and its not fun. And I tell them that they have a good chance of following after me or their father. We have conversations all the time......
Thanks again...peace
I enjoy an occasional glass of good wine or good champagne, or maybe even a fruity cocktail. But that's it, one drink. In my attempt to "fix" our relationship, I have gone along on the drinking parties with my h. I can not do it. I get physically ill. So, I know my limits and you know what, thats ok. And with kids who are the age (15 and 12) where they will be pressured to try all sorts of things, we have talked about being a responsible drinker. That you don't have to get s*&t-faced to have a good time. They have seen me be sick after drinking and its not fun. And I tell them that they have a good chance of following after me or their father. We have conversations all the time......
Thanks again...peace
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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What a great article. This part really hits home:
Introduce me to the functional alcoholic and I will also show you the co-dependent partner, often exhausted, taken for granted and resentful. I will show you the future of the child through the lens of the parental relationship and I ask you - you may function at one level, but is it really enough?
I really really needed to read that. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!!
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This is a really good article and I hope you won't mind if I share it in the newcomer section. Too often, newbies come in claiming to be "high functioning alcoholics".
I consider myself as "high bottom" but there sure was nothing but dysfunction when it came to my drinking.
I consider myself as "high bottom" but there sure was nothing but dysfunction when it came to my drinking.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
This is a great article. But it seems contradictory to what I understand Al-Anon is all about. But maybe I'm not understanding it all. I'm new to the program; only been to four meetings in the last 3 weeks.
My husband is "High-Functioning" in that he goes to work, wakes up on his own, hasn't received a DWI, nor hit me, etc. Yet drinks several nights a week and on weekends till he's out cold. He has no idea that I believe he is an alcoholic nor that I attend Al-Anon meetings. In meetings and literature, I'm learning to focus on ME and that I cannot change him..... and learning of 3Cs: didn't cause it, cannot cure it, cannot control it.
Yet, this article states that if intervened early by loved ones those in the "HF" stage can likely avoid the addict stage:
Last night as I was putting dog out, I saw him out cold slumped down in a chair on patio. I wish I had taken a picture! I wasn't going to wake him up, but he heard me with dog and woke up. His sister is a "full-fledged" alcoholic and recognized by all his family members. She is notorious for falling asleep in chairs, and has done so on our patio many times in past. This morning I asked him what happened on patio last night. He said, what? I said you looked like XXX (his sister), he said oh I was just tired.
He had a daiquiri cup last night so I thought he just had one drink. This morning I was asking what he did for dinner last night since DD & I had errands and weren't home last night. He said he got something quick, he stopped at my brothers' and had a few beers. So he had a few beers AND a daiquiri.
So do I just ignore him? Should I tell him I think he has a problem with alcohol to "intervene early" as the article states? Do I tell him I'm going to Al-Anon? Like I said, I'm only into this a few weeks. Thanks in advance....
My husband is "High-Functioning" in that he goes to work, wakes up on his own, hasn't received a DWI, nor hit me, etc. Yet drinks several nights a week and on weekends till he's out cold. He has no idea that I believe he is an alcoholic nor that I attend Al-Anon meetings. In meetings and literature, I'm learning to focus on ME and that I cannot change him..... and learning of 3Cs: didn't cause it, cannot cure it, cannot control it.
Yet, this article states that if intervened early by loved ones those in the "HF" stage can likely avoid the addict stage:
"It is so very very hard for a family member to bring a concern about a loved one's drinking - so hard that most people miss the opportunity for early intervention, coming to someone like me when they are on their knees - can you save my marriage / my job / have I ruined my children? But I need to say that the shame, fear and regret does not have to be such a burden if you get help sooner!
Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
I am at this point now..... I see it, my kids see it but he doesn't. Do I ignore the proverbial elephant in room? Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
Last night as I was putting dog out, I saw him out cold slumped down in a chair on patio. I wish I had taken a picture! I wasn't going to wake him up, but he heard me with dog and woke up. His sister is a "full-fledged" alcoholic and recognized by all his family members. She is notorious for falling asleep in chairs, and has done so on our patio many times in past. This morning I asked him what happened on patio last night. He said, what? I said you looked like XXX (his sister), he said oh I was just tired.
He had a daiquiri cup last night so I thought he just had one drink. This morning I was asking what he did for dinner last night since DD & I had errands and weren't home last night. He said he got something quick, he stopped at my brothers' and had a few beers. So he had a few beers AND a daiquiri.
So do I just ignore him? Should I tell him I think he has a problem with alcohol to "intervene early" as the article states? Do I tell him I'm going to Al-Anon? Like I said, I'm only into this a few weeks. Thanks in advance....
Last edited by allinon; 07-23-2014 at 05:59 AM. Reason: explained questioning about dinner....
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Alli, I think the distinction in the article is alcohol abuse vs. alcoholism. The author is suggesting early intervention in the stages of alcohol abuse...before the abuse becomes an addiction:
"It is so very very hard for a family member to bring a concern about a loved one's drinking - so hard that most people miss the opportunity for early intervention, coming to someone like me when they are on their knees - can you save my marriage / my job / have I ruined my children? But I need to say that the shame, fear and regret does not have to be such a burden if you get help sooner!
Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
Whether your husband is in full-blown addiction is not my judgment to make, but I am sorry that you have had to experience the consequences of his drinking. Congratulations to you for starting your own path to recovery. You are doing awesome things for yourself which is the absolute best place to start.
"It is so very very hard for a family member to bring a concern about a loved one's drinking - so hard that most people miss the opportunity for early intervention, coming to someone like me when they are on their knees - can you save my marriage / my job / have I ruined my children? But I need to say that the shame, fear and regret does not have to be such a burden if you get help sooner!
Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
Whether your husband is in full-blown addiction is not my judgment to make, but I am sorry that you have had to experience the consequences of his drinking. Congratulations to you for starting your own path to recovery. You are doing awesome things for yourself which is the absolute best place to start.
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Great article. Right now I have a 14 year old and an 8 year old. I am divorcing their father. I read this and it makes me shiver as I don't want my children growing up that way. I think the article fails to mention the relationship between father/daughter and that lack of that relationship is just as damaging. I have my children both in counseling, and am glad I do.
Thanks for sharing, great read!
Thanks for sharing, great read!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Great article. Right now I have a 14 year old and an 8 year old. I am divorcing their father. I read this and it makes me shiver as I don't want my children growing up that way. I think the article fails to mention the relationship between father/daughter and that lack of that relationship is just as damaging. I have my children both in counseling, and am glad I do.
Thanks for sharing, great read!
Thanks for sharing, great read!
As an ACoA to an AF I really identified with a lot of what he talked about. I re-read the book later with my thoughts more tuned to DD dealing with this "in the now" & not so much about my past damage & found it very helpful. If nothing else, it sometimes helps me to see her struggling with something she doesn't have words for yet so I can coax it out of her & help her deal with it before it gets tooooo very far. Not always, but I'll take what I can get, lol.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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So true and I learned with mine. He was functioning yes but not in all areas of life. So while he kept a great job, had friends, family unaware, he still lacked in relationship and intimacy and doing his part around the house . So he was functioning just not competely.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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Originally Posted by allinon
This is a great article. But it seems contradictory to what I understand Al-Anon is all about. But maybe I'm not understanding it all. I'm new to the program; only been to four meetings in the last 3 weeks.
My husband is "High-Functioning" in that he goes to work, wakes up on his own, hasn't received a DWI, nor hit me, etc. Yet drinks several nights a week and on weekends till he's out cold. He has no idea that I believe he is an alcoholic nor that I attend Al-Anon meetings. In meetings and literature, I'm learning to focus on ME and that I cannot change him..... and learning of 3Cs: didn't cause it, cannot cure it, cannot control it.
Yet, this article states that if intervened early by loved ones those in the "HF" stage can likely avoid the addict stage:
Last night as I was putting dog out, I saw him out cold slumped down in a chair on patio. I wish I had taken a picture! I wasn't going to wake him up, but he heard me with dog and woke up. His sister is a "full-fledged" alcoholic and recognized by all his family members. She is notorious for falling asleep in chairs, and has done so on our patio many times in past. This morning I asked him what happened on patio last night. He said, what? I said you looked like XXX (his sister), he said oh I was just tired.
He had a daiquiri cup last night so I thought he just had one drink. This morning I was asking what he did for dinner last night since DD & I had errands and weren't home last night. He said he got something quick, he stopped at my brothers' and had a few beers. So he had a few beers AND a daiquiri.
So do I just ignore him? Should I tell him I think he has a problem with alcohol to "intervene early" as the article states? Do I tell him I'm going to Al-Anon? Like I said, I'm only into this a few weeks. Thanks in advance....
My husband is "High-Functioning" in that he goes to work, wakes up on his own, hasn't received a DWI, nor hit me, etc. Yet drinks several nights a week and on weekends till he's out cold. He has no idea that I believe he is an alcoholic nor that I attend Al-Anon meetings. In meetings and literature, I'm learning to focus on ME and that I cannot change him..... and learning of 3Cs: didn't cause it, cannot cure it, cannot control it.
Yet, this article states that if intervened early by loved ones those in the "HF" stage can likely avoid the addict stage:
"It is so very very hard for a family member to bring a concern about a loved one's drinking - so hard that most people miss the opportunity for early intervention, coming to someone like me when they are on their knees - can you save my marriage / my job / have I ruined my children? But I need to say that the shame, fear and regret does not have to be such a burden if you get help sooner!
Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
I am at this point now..... I see it, my kids see it but he doesn't. Do I ignore the proverbial elephant in room? Catch the problem at the point of abuse - alcohol abuse, drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse: none of these are worth tolerating in someone you love as it enables them to be a lesser person, and they wont thank you for it. Help them to address whatever it is that is driving the abusive behaviour so that they can return to 'normal living'. What I can tell you is that if you leave it until it becomes an addiction, a force in its own right, then we are looking at a life of abstinence as an essential part of the medicine."
Last night as I was putting dog out, I saw him out cold slumped down in a chair on patio. I wish I had taken a picture! I wasn't going to wake him up, but he heard me with dog and woke up. His sister is a "full-fledged" alcoholic and recognized by all his family members. She is notorious for falling asleep in chairs, and has done so on our patio many times in past. This morning I asked him what happened on patio last night. He said, what? I said you looked like XXX (his sister), he said oh I was just tired.
He had a daiquiri cup last night so I thought he just had one drink. This morning I was asking what he did for dinner last night since DD & I had errands and weren't home last night. He said he got something quick, he stopped at my brothers' and had a few beers. So he had a few beers AND a daiquiri.
So do I just ignore him? Should I tell him I think he has a problem with alcohol to "intervene early" as the article states? Do I tell him I'm going to Al-Anon? Like I said, I'm only into this a few weeks. Thanks in advance....
High Functioning is just a stage of alcoholism. It starts by overindulging here and there and progresses to most night weekends and then progresses further and further to more and more as his dependence develops. As the intake and frequency of drinking increases, the "functioning" becomes less and less. It happens gradually over time and for each person the amount of time is different. The alcoholic will do WHATEVER to maintain their addiction and without a job, it is diffcult to maintain that addiction financially. So the job is usually one of the last things to go late in the disease process and for some it never goes. But what you will see is a slow decline in their functioning at home. Doing less and less around the house, less involved with you or the kids than before, starting to back out of social activities to stay home and drink or the opposite staying out more and more to drink to the point that it affects the relationship because time that you would normally spend together is now replaced by drinking. Many alcoholics will never get a DWI, hit their spouse or lose their job. Yet they continue to drink more and more despite the effects it has on the family. Eventually if the alcoholic does not stop on their own it will progress to the late stages of alcoholism where the continued use has done such damage on the body that there are health effects and eventually they will die if they do not stop.
Have you confronted your husband about his drinking? Does he know how it makes you feel? If he knows and does it despite knowing then there is no point in bringing it up again. You cannot make him stop. If he is drinking until he passes out cold on many night and weekend than he is likely addicted to it and it has gone on for a long time. But addicted or not, it bothers you or you wouldnt be here. If he knows it bothers you and can easily stop then it should be no big deal right? If he is doing it depsite knowing it bothers you then it's a much bigger problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 40
Thank you for that unsureoffuture. The short answer is no, I haven't talked with him about his drinking short of my question this morning.
I just realized three weeks ago that his frustrating behavior over the past several years is due to drinking. I thought he was spending time away from me and my daughter because he couldn't handle the fact that our son had left home five years ago.
Yea, over the past five years he's been spending more and more time away from home and at my brothers' house which is basically his neighborhood bar b/c he has a "man cave" and they drink there all the time. He's been coming home late from work, with a drink in hand several nights a week, and playing double rounds of golf on weekends. .... so he could drink on the golf course.
I was so blind.
I have told him over the years that I felt golf was the other woman, that he spent more time on golf course than with me and kids. He laughed that off and thought I couldn't possible mean it. I've told him many times that he should spend time with our daughter before she left for college..... and even again this summer after her first year away at school. He continued to do what he wanted and stay away. He also has anger issues, so I have to be careful how and what I say so he doesn't blow up. He's never been physical, but he has yelled, screamed, slammed doors, driven off saying I make him so angry. He has history of high blood pressure so I'm kind of afraid he'll have a stroke! (He hasn't seen a doctor in over 9 years for the BP. He did have outpatient surgery for nasal polyps 4 years ago and his BP was 185/90..... I told him then he needed to go back to regular doctor but it fell on deaf ears. I've since stopped nagging him about it.)
Anyway, on July 4th my 19 year old daughter asked if daddy acted that way because he had a drinking problem.
BOOM..... it was like Dory at the end of Finding Nemo.... the life before your eyes moment where all the scenes came flashing through and the proverbial light bulb went off. Of course!
So in past 3 weeks I've been to Al-Anon and on here without his knowledge but felt like I finally found people who understand me. I've been isolating myself for past few years and didn't really understand what was happening. Now I know and I feel so grateful to realize I'm not alone.
So at Al-Anon I understood that the focus is on changing me, not my husband. So I've never told him I felt he had a drinking problem and that it bothers me. That's why I responded to this thread earlier today: Do I ignore him and focus on me? Do I tell him I think he has a drinking problem? Do you address the elephant in the room, ie, that the "HFA" really has a problem so that possibly they can get help earlier? But as I'm typing this I realize, it's been going on for years..... I was just so blind.
But I'm aware now, so what do I do?
Thanks so much.....
I just realized three weeks ago that his frustrating behavior over the past several years is due to drinking. I thought he was spending time away from me and my daughter because he couldn't handle the fact that our son had left home five years ago.
Yea, over the past five years he's been spending more and more time away from home and at my brothers' house which is basically his neighborhood bar b/c he has a "man cave" and they drink there all the time. He's been coming home late from work, with a drink in hand several nights a week, and playing double rounds of golf on weekends. .... so he could drink on the golf course.
I was so blind.
I have told him over the years that I felt golf was the other woman, that he spent more time on golf course than with me and kids. He laughed that off and thought I couldn't possible mean it. I've told him many times that he should spend time with our daughter before she left for college..... and even again this summer after her first year away at school. He continued to do what he wanted and stay away. He also has anger issues, so I have to be careful how and what I say so he doesn't blow up. He's never been physical, but he has yelled, screamed, slammed doors, driven off saying I make him so angry. He has history of high blood pressure so I'm kind of afraid he'll have a stroke! (He hasn't seen a doctor in over 9 years for the BP. He did have outpatient surgery for nasal polyps 4 years ago and his BP was 185/90..... I told him then he needed to go back to regular doctor but it fell on deaf ears. I've since stopped nagging him about it.)
Anyway, on July 4th my 19 year old daughter asked if daddy acted that way because he had a drinking problem.
BOOM..... it was like Dory at the end of Finding Nemo.... the life before your eyes moment where all the scenes came flashing through and the proverbial light bulb went off. Of course!
So in past 3 weeks I've been to Al-Anon and on here without his knowledge but felt like I finally found people who understand me. I've been isolating myself for past few years and didn't really understand what was happening. Now I know and I feel so grateful to realize I'm not alone.
So at Al-Anon I understood that the focus is on changing me, not my husband. So I've never told him I felt he had a drinking problem and that it bothers me. That's why I responded to this thread earlier today: Do I ignore him and focus on me? Do I tell him I think he has a drinking problem? Do you address the elephant in the room, ie, that the "HFA" really has a problem so that possibly they can get help earlier? But as I'm typing this I realize, it's been going on for years..... I was just so blind.
But I'm aware now, so what do I do?
Thanks so much.....
Last edited by allinon; 07-23-2014 at 11:39 AM. Reason: clarification
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
The best response I have (since I don't have easy answers) is KEEP GOING BACK TO MEETINGS. My father is a high-functioning alcoholic as well (goes to work, is respected, etc, but white-knuckles it until his first drink when he gets home).
Your children probably won't know the difference. Until they see other families - it might hit them all at once. Hey, so-and-so's dad goes to all of their games/recitals/etc. Mine...well, I guess mine has better things to do?
When I see fathers and children interact sometimes I feel SERIOUS jealousy. Why can't my father give a crap about me?
He never went to a single swim meet. Missed him.
He didn't see me graduate college. Missed him. (maybe there for high school? not sure - even when he's there, it's like he's invisible with nothing to say)
He wasn't there for a large family counseling session concerning estrangement from two of my brothers. ESTRANGEMENT. He doesn't bat an eye.
It seems like any emotional feelings he has and somehow filtered and translated through my Mom. It makes me wonder. Does he really SAY those things, or is she just covering for him? Dad says this...Dad feels that...Dad thinks such-and-such. Ummm...I'd like to actually talk to him about how he's feeling...how about that?
Nary a congrats for graduate school...phD...new job...new apt...new home...engagement...marriage...
Nary a shoulder for support with estrangement...infertility for over 4 years...
The list goes on and on.
Notice that none of it references him getting wildly drunk and hurting himself.
It's like he's invisible in my life.
My father-in-law has been there for me more than my father has in a span of a few years. My father has had almost 37.
Does he ask me for lunch? NOPE
Come to a movie? NOPE
How about a picnic? NOPE
How about a play? NOPE
Hey, I want to SEE YOU...LIKE...AT ALL
PS - we live in the same town - only about 8 miles from each other.
It's literally heart-breaking. However, I realize that in all these instances he is trapped at home with his one true master, the mecha-Hitler...ALCOHOL. He loves it and hates it too (maybe like gollum and the ring).
I wonder if there's much love to give when my father may be struggling with loving himself?
As my counselor stated it - it's the relationships that are impacted first.
What is a father-son relationship really LIKE? I HATE -- absolutely HATE that I don't really know. ALL I KNOW is that there is a lot of pain there when the only time I get to see him is when I show INTEREST IN HIM. I have to go to his house to see him - and he's always sitting there with a bottle of scotch at his feet watching football, golf, etc. All we can talk about? golf and football.
Do I MATTER at all?
Like alcohol is this great barrier between us.
I should probably admit that I feel resentment towards my mother. She never once mentioned AL-Anon or even asked me, "HOW DO YOU FEEL" - NOT. here's how you should feel, but how do you actually feel about your relationship with your father? Untainted, unchallenged, and completely open to be expressed? Never mentioned Al-ateen either. I didn't even know about it until I was 35. Best choice I've made in a long time. Life saving, really.
She does the best she can - I know that.
No duis - no loss of job - no divorce - no vomiting (one time his p***ed in the corner of our house) - hangovers? not sure - no late night bar-hopping. But my relationship with him? EMPTY. EMPTY. EMPTY. Like...I'm not sure if I really know him.
JUst my own personal experience to consider. You can't control the disease, you didn't cause the disease, nor can you cure it. The best thing you can do is take care of you. As for your child, think about being an open door for her to talk to about her feelings about it. Just something to consider.
UNFORTUNATELY, my mother can do absolutely nothing about all of this. She makes choices for herself. Not my Dad. Thus, in your case, my suggestion would be to fix you and how you interact with your children, family, husband, etc. That's all you can really do. Trust me when I say there's no one person on this Earth too perfect to have nothing to work on. you'll feel a lot better about yourself. Can't make husband love himself better. BUT, with the help of Al-Anon, you might be able to love you more. For me, when I love me more, the WHOLE WORLD opens up.
Best of luck. One day at a time. (I have yet to talk to my father about his drinking after almost 2 years of AL-anon - have same feeling of hopeless cause - I still might though - to be true to myself and be compassionate and honest with him - course, I don't live with him - if that was the case, it might be completely different)
Your children probably won't know the difference. Until they see other families - it might hit them all at once. Hey, so-and-so's dad goes to all of their games/recitals/etc. Mine...well, I guess mine has better things to do?
When I see fathers and children interact sometimes I feel SERIOUS jealousy. Why can't my father give a crap about me?
He never went to a single swim meet. Missed him.
He didn't see me graduate college. Missed him. (maybe there for high school? not sure - even when he's there, it's like he's invisible with nothing to say)
He wasn't there for a large family counseling session concerning estrangement from two of my brothers. ESTRANGEMENT. He doesn't bat an eye.
It seems like any emotional feelings he has and somehow filtered and translated through my Mom. It makes me wonder. Does he really SAY those things, or is she just covering for him? Dad says this...Dad feels that...Dad thinks such-and-such. Ummm...I'd like to actually talk to him about how he's feeling...how about that?
Nary a congrats for graduate school...phD...new job...new apt...new home...engagement...marriage...
Nary a shoulder for support with estrangement...infertility for over 4 years...
The list goes on and on.
Notice that none of it references him getting wildly drunk and hurting himself.
It's like he's invisible in my life.
My father-in-law has been there for me more than my father has in a span of a few years. My father has had almost 37.
Does he ask me for lunch? NOPE
Come to a movie? NOPE
How about a picnic? NOPE
How about a play? NOPE
Hey, I want to SEE YOU...LIKE...AT ALL
PS - we live in the same town - only about 8 miles from each other.
It's literally heart-breaking. However, I realize that in all these instances he is trapped at home with his one true master, the mecha-Hitler...ALCOHOL. He loves it and hates it too (maybe like gollum and the ring).
I wonder if there's much love to give when my father may be struggling with loving himself?
As my counselor stated it - it's the relationships that are impacted first.
What is a father-son relationship really LIKE? I HATE -- absolutely HATE that I don't really know. ALL I KNOW is that there is a lot of pain there when the only time I get to see him is when I show INTEREST IN HIM. I have to go to his house to see him - and he's always sitting there with a bottle of scotch at his feet watching football, golf, etc. All we can talk about? golf and football.
Do I MATTER at all?
Like alcohol is this great barrier between us.
I should probably admit that I feel resentment towards my mother. She never once mentioned AL-Anon or even asked me, "HOW DO YOU FEEL" - NOT. here's how you should feel, but how do you actually feel about your relationship with your father? Untainted, unchallenged, and completely open to be expressed? Never mentioned Al-ateen either. I didn't even know about it until I was 35. Best choice I've made in a long time. Life saving, really.
She does the best she can - I know that.
No duis - no loss of job - no divorce - no vomiting (one time his p***ed in the corner of our house) - hangovers? not sure - no late night bar-hopping. But my relationship with him? EMPTY. EMPTY. EMPTY. Like...I'm not sure if I really know him.
JUst my own personal experience to consider. You can't control the disease, you didn't cause the disease, nor can you cure it. The best thing you can do is take care of you. As for your child, think about being an open door for her to talk to about her feelings about it. Just something to consider.
UNFORTUNATELY, my mother can do absolutely nothing about all of this. She makes choices for herself. Not my Dad. Thus, in your case, my suggestion would be to fix you and how you interact with your children, family, husband, etc. That's all you can really do. Trust me when I say there's no one person on this Earth too perfect to have nothing to work on. you'll feel a lot better about yourself. Can't make husband love himself better. BUT, with the help of Al-Anon, you might be able to love you more. For me, when I love me more, the WHOLE WORLD opens up.
Best of luck. One day at a time. (I have yet to talk to my father about his drinking after almost 2 years of AL-anon - have same feeling of hopeless cause - I still might though - to be true to myself and be compassionate and honest with him - course, I don't live with him - if that was the case, it might be completely different)
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
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Something to consider - I've known a few Al anonners who planned and implemented professional interventions for their spouses/children. You can work a program for yourself and still try to help the A.
Also, I learned in Al Anon (and here) to stop depriving the A of their consequences of drinking. When we do this, we are helping. Even if they lose a job, get a DUI, or some other very bad consequence of drinking, if we could have prevented the bad consequence in some way, but we choose not to, we are helping the A, because they hit bottom sooner.
It's true that the job is the last thing to go most of the time. It supports the addiction. My therapist told me that might happen with my X. Sure enough, he chucked our relationship and some of his friendships. He got in trouble legally while drunk, I took him to court and have banned him from unsupervised contact with his son. None of this was enough to convince him that he has a problem. Then there was a DUI. He STILL didn't try to get help. Very functional in appearance, but I knew different because I was the sad, mistreated partner. Friends think I'm crazy, because I'm "trying to take kiddo away to punish him." "He REALLY LOVES DS!" Of course he does. But what got him to go to treatment? He almost got fired for that DUI.
I'm angry and resentful. I hope to not be one day. I know Al Anon says I should not be this way, but here I am.
Also, I learned in Al Anon (and here) to stop depriving the A of their consequences of drinking. When we do this, we are helping. Even if they lose a job, get a DUI, or some other very bad consequence of drinking, if we could have prevented the bad consequence in some way, but we choose not to, we are helping the A, because they hit bottom sooner.
It's true that the job is the last thing to go most of the time. It supports the addiction. My therapist told me that might happen with my X. Sure enough, he chucked our relationship and some of his friendships. He got in trouble legally while drunk, I took him to court and have banned him from unsupervised contact with his son. None of this was enough to convince him that he has a problem. Then there was a DUI. He STILL didn't try to get help. Very functional in appearance, but I knew different because I was the sad, mistreated partner. Friends think I'm crazy, because I'm "trying to take kiddo away to punish him." "He REALLY LOVES DS!" Of course he does. But what got him to go to treatment? He almost got fired for that DUI.
I'm angry and resentful. I hope to not be one day. I know Al Anon says I should not be this way, but here I am.
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