I did something really stupid

Old 07-21-2014, 09:07 AM
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I did something really stupid

A little background: I found out 2 weeks ago that my AH - who I thought was sober - had been secretly drinking for the last year. He drove drunk with our dog in the car. It was all a shock, because I had asked him point blank about his sobriety this past year and he bold face lied to me. I've been oscillating between anger and hopelessness. He is working with SMART and AA and says he has been sober since that night I found out two weeks ago, but I have trouble believing him.

As a step to help in his recovery, I told him I would remove my alcohol from the house. For years, I didn't keep a drop in our home, but since I thought he'd been sober for 12 years, and he insisted it didn't bother him, I started keeping a bottle of wine or a high end whiskey to drink with friends when they came over. The day I found out about my AH's drinking, I had just bought a bottle of wine. I stuffed it in my closet, out of sight.

Fast forward two weeks later, this past Saturday, my friend is coming over and my recovering AH (is the acronym RAH?) sleeps most of the day and misses the AA meeting. This makes me very angry, and in retaliation, I ask him if I can have wine with my friend. He is very upset with me asking him this (as he should be, now reflecting on it) and says that he doesn't care what I do. I proceed to share a bottle of wine with my friend in our living room. We were loud and obnoxious and I had fun.

At around 10am, my husband comes in, kicks us out of the living room, turns the TV up so loud we can't think. My friend leaves and I sleep in the guest bedroom with my box fan set on high to drown out the noise.

A huge fight ensues the next morning (yesterday) about how I'm not supporting him. He's right - what I did was so stupid.

It was like something snapped in me when he slept through his AA meeting. I told him that it scares me when he misses meetings, and he says that I don't have a right to tell him how to proceed with his recovery, because AA doesn't always work for him and he is trying to figure out the SMART program.

He says my actions almost messed up his 13 days of sobriety, and that he said he almost got drunk that night but instead got on SMART and worked his way through it.

I told him I knew it was wrong and that I was sorry. Things are horribly tense right now. I'm upset with myself but I'm still upset with him too. I'm normally a level headed, mature person. I usually do the right thing. The happenings in our living room yesterday felt like it should have been on an episode of Jenny Jones.

I feel like I was in shock for the first 10 days and now it's all becoming real and the emotions are pouring out of me and I can't stop them.

Why am I acting out like this? I just feel really tired and depressed. I am going to Al-Anon weekly. We are going to counseling weekly. I'm reading my Hope for Today book every day.

If he had cancer, I'd be handling this so much differently. I know alcoholism is a disease. How come I can't see it that way?

This sucks.
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Old 07-21-2014, 09:31 AM
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Maybe you both need a little space. Can either of you stay elsewhere for awhile? You both sound like you need to work on some things.
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Old 07-21-2014, 09:35 AM
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Alcoholism is also a disease of choice. If you know you have it, you do things to keep yourself healthy. A diabetic cannot eat certain foods, cancer patients have to do what their doctors tell them to do, chemo, radiation, etc. If one makes the choice not to do what they should in recovery they will fail.

Should you be home getting drunk around him? Nope, that is dumb. However, his actions are his no matter what. I would say you are being manipulated. He is trying to say you almost made him relapse. I would expect him to relapse soon, and likely you will be blamed. It won't be your fault, but he will say it is.

I hope I am wrong. You need to see that you did not cause his relapse any more than I can cause the sun to rise each day. Going through a tough time is not permission for either party to be manipulative or mean to the other. If he has issued with your actions, he should calmly sit down and tell you, and you should do the same.

Look, we all have those crazy drama moments in our pasts that we look back at and think, "What a mess." All you can do is try to communicate better in the future. Is your counselor someone who specializes in addiction? If not, that may help you a bit more, or it did for me.

Good Luck to you!
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Old 07-21-2014, 09:55 AM
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I don't think what you did was so horrible. Before I drew a line in the sand with my supposed RA and decided to leave, I modified my drinking a little bit. I didn't bring it in the house, or drink at home (I do like to drink wine, but nothing dangerous). I would NEVER drink a beer in front of him. Beer was his choice. I still wouldn't today and I hate him. But my thinking was/is (and maybe this is my baggage talking) It's not my addiction, it's his. I try to eat healthy as often as possible but I do get tempted and I never asked him to not eat/buy/consume all the junk that he does.

It also sounds to me like you are taking a lot of responsiblity for something that isn't yours. Couldn't he have left the house for a few hours so you could have a good time with your friend? Or better yet take responsiblity for himself and his recovery by waking up from his nap to go to a meeting? It wasn't important then, but apparently it became important while you were having fun with your friend.. Sounds similiar to what happened to me yesterday. He is supposed to be doing his part to get the house ready for sale. on the couch all day, sleeping, brooding. I take my 5 year old to Barnes and Noble at 4:45 pm, I get a text from him at 6 pm "Are you going to be home soon, I have to go to the store" (we have a 2 year old). Is he serious?? Waited all day until I left and suddenly he has things to do. Don't think so.

If he is going to drink, nothing you do or say is going to stop him. Nothing.

He lied to you boldface and now you are apologizing for having a few glasses of wine with your friend? after years of not bringing into the house?

My apologies for the "eww" in my message - I have just recently filed for divorce and am moving in two weeks, I'm realllllllly p*ssed and I suppose I am not the most objective.

Don't feel bad. You don't have to relish in it and parade it around and jump for joy, but don't be too hard on yourself.
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Old 07-21-2014, 10:08 AM
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I don't see that you did anything wrong. He told you it doesn't bother him, but it obviously did and he took it out on you and thru his little tantrum. Perhpas it would be best if you could separate from each other a few months while he gets comfortable in his recovery and doesn't take it out on you? Or even worse... BLAME you (I almost got drunk last night because of the situation YOU caused, sort of thing). I don't blame you for being triggered by his sleeping all day and missing his meeting, either. And... just WHY was he sleeping all day? Hmmmmm.... (I really thought you were going to say your bottle of wine you stashed was gone)
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Old 07-21-2014, 11:50 AM
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I ask him if I can have wine with my friend.
He says my actions almost messed up his 13 days of sobriety, and that he said he almost got drunk that night but instead got on SMART and worked his way through it.
He and you both seem to be working under the assumption that you are partially responsible for his sobriety and recovery.

You are not.

That's his ball of wax. The fact that he tries to shame and guilt you into behaving the way he wants (or, he implies, else he will -- automatically almost -- start drinking again?) That's not a good sign. That's not a person who takes full responsibility for his own recovery.
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Old 07-21-2014, 12:25 PM
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It sounds like there is a lot if tension in your house and in times of stress and when we feel we always are doing the right thing, sometimes things are said and done that we regret. I know I have said and done things that in hindsight, I could have handled differently. Forgive yourself and know that you are doing the best you can. And when you know better, you do better.

When I read this:

"If he had cancer, I'd be handling this so much differently. I know alcoholism is a disease. How come I can't see it that way?"

This statement/question is something I have been struggling with. I think of people who have other illness/diseases and they get treatment for them. Usually, there is never a question about it. Of course they could refuse treatment. That is their right, but they don't. So why does a person who has something wrong (alcoholism), there is denial of the problem. Or it takes something horrible for them to realize it. I think because drinking is socially acceptable and for most people, it's not a problem to be a responsible drinker.
It's frustrating for sure and something we probably won't ever figure out. Take care....
Peace
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Old 07-21-2014, 12:27 PM
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Do not take guilt that is not yours. His recovery is that-HIS.
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Old 07-21-2014, 01:12 PM
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It seems to be the opinion of some that those who are with alcoholics can't drink around or with the A even in moderation. Do we not eat candy if we are with diabetics? The disease is their disease not ours. I understand if we are supporting them through recovery it is out of respect we don't drink around them. He chose to sleep instead of going to his meeting...He is not invested in his treatment. I wouldn't feel too guilty about sharing that wine with your friend! That's just my honest opinion. Butterfly keep taking care of you and let your A take care of himself even if he chooses not to.
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Old 07-22-2014, 12:33 PM
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I don't think what you did was wrong. Having drink with a friend now and then is not the same as what he is doing and he can't blame your actions for how he is. My ex AH did this. I would go out 4 times a year and have wine with the meal and he'd accuse me of being drunk and make out I was the same as him. I'm not. I don't drink everyday but I refuses to let him stop me having fun with my friends now and then and if we want a drink we are having one. His problem is his problem. Not mine. My son has diabetes but we still eat normal food around him.
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Old 07-23-2014, 12:15 AM
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When I read the heading, "I did something really stupid, " I thought you were going to say you hit someone or slashed some tires or something. I can see how X might get himself worked up, like maybe he thought you were mocking him or trying to rub it in his face that he can't drink, but you can. If you're allowed to be triggered by him not working his program the way you want him to, then he could maybe be forgiven for being triggered by you drinking. I'm still with the camp that says it's his responsibility. It's his inference that he may or may not be making. He's bound to be crabby right now with giving up his coping mechanism, but that doesn't mean he has license to get passive aggressive with you or try to blame you for anything. We all get crabby and most of us probably act poorly when we do. However, we are responsible for reflection and amends. I agree that you guys might need some space. He probably needs space to be grumpy while adjusting to sobriety and you need space to get over being lied to about something so dire.
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Old 07-23-2014, 04:21 AM
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His recovery is not your recovery. His relapse was not your fault.

Sounds to me like a lack of communication between you and your husband on what is and is not acceptable. Some A's cannot be around alcohol. That doesn't mean that their recovery is not solid - rather, they recognize a trigger. We do not keep alcohol in our home but I never did anyway. However, my husband cannot go into a bar. He gets panic attacks. Going into bars a couple of years ago so that I could have a drink if we were out lead to his relapse. This happened because he was not HONEST with me that it was triggering him. He denied that it had any affect on him at all. After the relapse is when I found out.

So here is the deal - as much as it should be that we who are not A's and the spouses or partners of A's want to say that we should be able to do whatever we want when it comes to alcohol it doesn't always work out that way for the recovery of our RA's. You don't lose your choice, you want to drink then you can and its not 'wrong", but your A may decide it isn't something he can live with or be around and you gotta respect that in as much that he needs to respect that for you, you may not be willing to make that lifestyle change.

Comparing Alcoholism to Diabetes is just not an accurate comparison. Sorry. My husband is also diabetic. I can promise you that I have never seen him stand at the pantry and shovel sugar by the spoonful in his mouth. Watching me eat a sweet has never prompted him to eat a cake. However, I have seen him chug a bottle of vodka at 9 am when he thought I was sleeping. A diabetic is NOT AN ADDICT although an addict can have diabetes.

Hopeful that your husband will get on a recovery program that works for him, and that the two of you will able to resolve this in a way that you are both happy.
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Old 07-23-2014, 04:43 AM
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I was, at one that AH. You're actions/emotions were not stupid. ..he must own this. I myself am off to a meeting. ..

My best to you...be good to yourself.
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Old 07-23-2014, 02:06 PM
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When you asked if it was ok if you and your friend were drinking that night, the correct response from him would be "That would be hard for me to handle right now. Could I ask you to take it elsewhere, or just make it a sober night? If not, I need to go somewhere else." If you decline, he should be the one to vacate the premises to take care of himself. This is NOT on you. You are not expected to be a mind reader, nor are you the steward of his sobriety.

Missing a meeting by "sleeping through it" (my bs meter is in the yellow), the temper tantrum, and blaming you are signs that he is not embracing recovery. My AW gets like this when she is about to relapse - excuses, blaming me for us "not getting along", missing meetings, passive-aggressive moodiness, neglecting household responsibilities. It sounds like he is in relapse mode, whether he has broken sobriety or not.
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Old 07-23-2014, 02:23 PM
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I don't think you did anything wrong either, but I do have a question for you:

Would it really be so hard for you to have a "dry" house?

I have experience on both sides of this equation. My husband and I both quit drinking 23 years ago, but we have visitors occasionally who bring wine to our home and it doesn't bother us.

However, we have an adult son who is coming to visit for a few weeks, who DOES have "problems" with alcohol. There is NO way I'm going to expose my son to ready alcohol if I can help it.

Even though his drinking is not your problem, you are married to the guy. If you don't have a problem with alcohol, I just can't see how hard it would be to keep it out of the house.

I'm sorry to intrude on this discussion, but it struck a cord with me.
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Old 07-24-2014, 12:48 AM
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Redatlanta you are right. Perhaps I was wrong in comparing alcoholism to diabetes. I was married to a diabetic and am divorced. I then dated an alcoholic. In some ways they had similar behaviors but you are right. An addiction has a different control over the addict. I guess I was trying to make a point that it is the addicts issue and we sometimes can make it our issue too? There is a fine line there. My A never chose recovery. I have drank with him but not excessively. If he were to go to AA and work a program, I would not drink around him. But if he chooses to drink and not work his program and I share some wine with a friend ...I still don't think I should feel bad. This is a tough one...not stupid just tough. Ivywild, you are gaining clarity with these situations. I'm sorry if my earlier post was minimizing the addict's need to drink.
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Old 07-24-2014, 02:35 PM
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Suncatcher,

My heart goes out to you. If this happened to me, I would be so hurt. The lies, the blame, the anger, the temper tantrums..... wow.

Okay 3 things:

1. To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble believing your husband's story about staying sober, innocently sleeping all day, and missing his meeting. It just doesn't add up. I too was expecting you to say that you had found the empty bottle of wine, and/or other empty bottles.

In fact, especially considering his recent history of lying to you, I'd be willing to bet money on it that he's already relapsed. This just sounds like the behavior of someone who was sleeping off the alcohol, and who therefore didn't care enough about recovery to go to the meeting. Because he wasn't trying to stay sober, or because he felt too guilty to get out of bed, let alone face the meeting. That might help explain his crankiness.

#2. "Normal" (non-alcoholic) people can just enjoy some wine and be silly and have a lot of fun with friends. That would be really hard for me to be around. It's the part of drinking I miss the most. That might be true for your AH too. When a person starts drinking just to feel "normal," the enjoyment that you had was gone. It's not a possibility for him anymore. So that might be part of what's behind his anger. I'm not defending him here, just offering perspective.

That said, I truly don't think you are to blame. I say this as a recovering alcoholic myself. When other "normal" people are drinking and having fun and I recognize that it's going to be too much for me, I remove myself from the situation. When I'm visiting family, I have to look at the bottle of wine in the fridge and not touch it. Alcohol is everywhere, and people I love drink! He has responsibility for taking care of himself and his illness.

You shouldn't have to stop living your life. I mean I can completely understand the need for a dry house-- in fact I wish I lived in one (but maybe I wouldn't care if my partner was capable of drinking normally, like you can, instead of getting drunk every night-- but that's a whole other story entirely). But anyway. Your AH needs to express this need instead of being passive-aggressive and then subsequently getting angry. (Sounds like a setup to blame you for another relapse.)

And really, if you want to take the cancer metaphor further, if he had cancer, would he want you to stop living your life because he was sick???

3. And perhaps most importantly. What bothers me the most, and makes me so angry, is the fact that he lied to you. For a year. And drove drunk with your dog in the car. With you in the car? And with himself in the car, and other people on the road. What else did he do while intoxicated during this year?

If he's capable of lying about this, what else is he capable of lying about?

Can you ever trust him again?

This would be my biggest concern. I don't know if I could even stay with someone after they broke my trust like that. It's a personal choice, but honesty is one of the most important things to me.
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Old 07-24-2014, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by suncatcher View Post
Redatlanta you are right. Perhaps I was wrong in comparing alcoholism to diabetes. I was married to a diabetic and am divorced. I then dated an alcoholic. In some ways they had similar behaviors but you are right. An addiction has a different control over the addict. I guess I was trying to make a point that it is the addicts issue and we sometimes can make it our issue too? There is a fine line there. My A never chose recovery. I have drank with him but not excessively. If he were to go to AA and work a program, I would not drink around him. But if he chooses to drink and not work his program and I share some wine with a friend ...I still don't think I should feel bad. This is a tough one...not stupid just tough. Ivywild, you are gaining clarity with these situations. I'm sorry if my earlier post was minimizing the addict's need to drink.
Sun I did not think you were minimizing!

Its a very tough situation - I don't think its so much about alcohol for the sober spouse but rather about having to give up something else because of the alcoholic.
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