QUACKERs.... Part 3

Old 03-03-2015, 02:11 PM
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"If you ever start drinking, call me!"
Baahahaha, there isn't enough liquor on the planet!
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Old 03-03-2015, 03:50 PM
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I can only laugh at this b/c my almost XAH and I sold our home and have been separated for 5 months. Divorce is in the works. The last 4 years has not been laughable at all as he went from 12 years sober, to dry drunk, to drunk. And blamed me for his "demise." He's been on and off with sobriety since Sept 2012, including a stay in rehab in Nov 2013. But, I can laugh at the text below.

The set up: A few weeks ago, he decided after 5 months of sobriety that he was going to relapse; he blamed the "unpredictableness" of our relationship. (What's unpredictable about being separated...rhetorical...and yes, he kicked it cold turkey again after I gave him the papers to sign to sell the house) I got sucked in through text and felt bad that he threw away another five months. So here's how the texts went once I realized he was drunk. I was hoping to support him as a "friend" knowing he was struggling. I was hoping to help him. (This is cut and pasted)

Me: What are you doing.
Him:Texting you
Me: no I mean like right now. Aside from texting. Are you sitting on the floor?
Him: No, I'm standing in front of my dresser freezing my ass off.
Me: Look in the mirror.
Him: Ok
Me: What do you see? Don’t say “my sorry cold ass.”
Him: He's ********
Me: Why is he ********?
Him: Bc he knew what he was and he disregarded that for the wrong reasons. (What he means here is that, in his mind, he married me knowing that I could "ruin his life" by not being what he needed me to be, but hoped I'd be able to "save him"...)
Me: And he deserves to be beat up by those demons? For how long?
Him: Until his dumb ass stops wriggling

It makes me laugh when I read it...not sure why. it's more sad than funny. There's a lot more to the text and it's just funnier as it goes. I think it's because it's a glimpse into what we used to have...before our marriage suffered and he relapsed, and then it suffered so so so much more. He's really, really funny and great to talk to. He's hyper aware of who he is. Sometimes it's the very thing that makes him drink, and also the very thing that will make him attempt sobriety again.

It's just really sad what addiction does to people. To my husband, to us, to our blended family. It's all gone. I had no choice. And it's one of the saddest things I've ever gone through in my life.
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Old 03-04-2015, 06:50 AM
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AM after not answering my or my sister's attempts to contact her one Tuesday.. Wed morning, calls me:

AM: Whoops my phone was on mute all day yesterday and I didn't realize it, Teehee!
Me: Huh funny.
AM: Yeah haha I have 7 voicemails but I haven't listened to them, I couldn't figure out how (Same phone she has had for years)

Thursday when we talk again (she calls me to chitchat), keeps talking about "yesterday" as if "yesterday" is Monday... I say Mom it's now Thursday.........

Supposedly not drinking - but not in a program, so yeah, people normally lose track of days at a time...
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:51 AM
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Her: oh no my heater is broken, this is going to expensive
Drives out on untreated roads to go to 'the store'
Her: gets home, pushes button heater comes on...magically
Instead of turning it on the night before somehow it was turned off all night, in a stupor.
the next morning we get that text about broken heater and expense
Followed by a second text of how it's 'fixed'
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Old 03-04-2015, 03:57 PM
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Here's a couple I've experienced:

-driving in the car-
Abf: your driving is boring the **** out of me, can you please let me out of this car. We are in my car right?
Me: YOU DONT KNOW WHICH CAR WERE IN? I am driving my car!
Abf: well since we're driving my piece of **** car I guess I will punch the windows out so I can escape. **** this -attempts to-

Abf: "you're so boring when we're out and you constantly hate me for wanting to drink. When is going to stop? I know you want to kill me."
Me: ummm it is a little difficult that I have to be the designated driver ALL the time.
Abf: but you like to do it, or you wouldn't.

That was the last time I was DD.. Now he puts others lives in danger.. I don't feel good about either situations.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:36 PM
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Had court with my STBXAH yesterday. He told my lawyer that I'm like a prostitute, all I want is money. (Never mind that I'm the only one paying on eight grand in bills he racked up.) In the same breath he told me, "It's OK, I still love you." He also kept asking why my lawyer and I hate him so much because my lawyer kept asking if he intended to start working again. He has nothing stopping him from working but we must just hate him lol
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Old 03-05-2015, 01:53 PM
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LOL missboots. I get the same. XAH not working, but I was only with him because I am money hungry for all of his assets!? Um..ok. He has no job. I have worked at the same job for 12 years. He is behind in child support to the tune of $3000, I raise my children with no financial help, knowing this is how it will always be. Whatever......
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Old 03-05-2015, 02:47 PM
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I've also heard the rant about how I was a gold digger.
After I stopped laughing I thought, wow, I am the worst gold digger EVER.
Note to self, next time pick a dude capable of holding down a job.
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Old 03-05-2015, 02:49 PM
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HaHaHa!! Apparently I am terrible too! My kids wanted me to buy them some snacks on the way to his home the other night. I told them to ask Daddy Wharbucks. They said, "You mean, Daddy Nobucks." HAHA! I had to buy after all!

Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
I've also heard the rant about how I was a gold digger.
After I stopped laughing I thought, wow, I am the worst gold digger EVER.
Note to self, next time pick a dude capable of holding down a job.
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Old 03-05-2015, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
HaHaHa!! Apparently I am terrible too! My kids wanted me to buy them some snacks on the way to his home the other night. I told them to ask Daddy Wharbucks. They said, "You mean, Daddy Nobucks." HAHA! I had to buy after all!
Daddy Nobucks!! That is a scream!
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Old 03-20-2015, 01:50 PM
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Bumping this up to the top!
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:38 PM
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This reminds me.
My ex left a voicemail last week DEMANDING that "we settle this custody thing right now, no courtroom, just us" so that he can get his retainer back from the lawyer.
Let me get right on that.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:50 PM
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Guys, HAHAHAHAHA!
I'm really sorry. I shouldn't be actually laughing at this but...
Here's a short background-my AH went cold turkey off his Suboxone without telling me WEEKS ago (almost a month), & quit drinking around the same time...he's been disappearing at random overnight for almost the same amount of time, claiming that he's "going to AA meetings" that last..until...4am? There have been tons of hilarious excuses on his part but the one below takes the cake.

On Monday, I stupidly let him use my car to "go get a phone card". He didn't reappear until 5am Tuesday. On Tuesday, he was home alone with no vehicle & couldn't go anywhere. Then, Wednesday morning, he "woke up sick" and "was puking all night long".

Husband claims that his "illness", after being out until 5am Tuesday, was because...

"he ate a can of salmon on Monday that he found in the back of my car & it gave him food poisoning..."

A CAN.
OF.
SALMON.
OUT OF THE TRUNK OF A CAR.

AHAHAHAHAA.
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Old 03-20-2015, 02:52 PM
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Also, OMG, hopeful. I got the SAME response from my in-laws about my unemployed H-that I "only married him for his money"...because you know, I would totally have done that seeing as he was unemployed BEFORE we got married.
And he owes back child support for his child from a previous marriage.
What part of me found all that out & was like, "OMGZORRSS BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT??!"
Sigh.
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Old 03-20-2015, 03:00 PM
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Here are some more of AH's gems explaining why he's been out, unreachable on his cell phone & doesn't come back at night, in order:

Night 1: Well, I went to an AA meeting. Then I saw this pastor that I know. So I had a Hot Pocket & stayed there talking to him.

Night 2: So-and-so that I know from AA needs help moving furniture into a van so I'm going to his house...Well, so we moved all the furniture but then So-and-so backed the van into his house (HAAAAAAHAHAH WHAT.) & I had to stay there & help him repair it.

Night 3: I lost my phone at So-and-So's while repairing his house so now I have to go to AA to meet up with him & then go to his house to find my phone...I found my phone finally but I had to look for it all night & then I found it UNDER SO AND SO'S HOUSE BY A WATER MAIN.

Night 4: I went to go get a phone card (for the lost & found phone) & then I fell asleep in the car in our driveway listening to NPR.

Night 5: My car needs a part so I went to this guy's house that has a car just like mine that he parted out but it was clear out XYZ road (30 mins from home) & then I almost hit a moose on the way home & I went in the ditch but I had no reception so I had to walk up & down the road looking for a signal until someone came along to pull me out.

I just can't even, you guys.
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Old 03-20-2015, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by mnh1982 View Post
Here are some more of AH's gems explaining why he's been out, unreachable on his cell phone & doesn't come back at night, in order:

Night 1: Well, I went to an AA meeting. Then I saw this pastor that I know. So I had a Hot Pocket & stayed there talking to him.

Night 2: So-and-so that I know from AA needs help moving furniture into a van so I'm going to his house...Well, so we moved all the furniture but then So-and-so backed the van into his house (HAAAAAAHAHAH WHAT.) & I had to stay there & help him repair it.

Night 3: I lost my phone at So-and-So's while repairing his house so now I have to go to AA to meet up with him & then go to his house to find my phone...I found my phone finally but I had to look for it all night & then I found it UNDER SO AND SO'S HOUSE BY A WATER MAIN.

Night 4: I went to go get a phone card (for the lost & found phone) & then I fell asleep in the car in our driveway listening to NPR.

Night 5: My car needs a part so I went to this guy's house that has a car just like mine that he parted out but it was clear out XYZ road (30 mins from home) & then I almost hit a moose on the way home & I went in the ditch but I had no reception so I had to walk up & down the road looking for a signal until someone came along to pull me out.

I just can't even, you guys.
Wow, seems like he has more trouble with AA meetings, public radio and wildlife than some people have with drugs and alcohol. Oh, wait, never mind...
Those are some pretty epic excuses though. If only they put half the creativity, ingenuity and energy into sobriety as they did into making up these ridiculous stories.
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Old 03-21-2015, 06:16 AM
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daughters ABF ....

HIM: you HAVE to come pick me up
HER: why ?
HIM: I am really upset
HER: why ?
HIM: my ex mother in law just text me that my ex wife died.
HER: what ? how ?
HIM: she was caught in a lobster trap
HER: where was she ?
HIM: In a lake near her home

anyone ever heard of a fresh water lake lobster ?
lol
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Old 03-21-2015, 12:48 PM
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After a 2 month disappearing act, my XAH just texted me that he is blind.
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Old 03-22-2015, 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by AliWProk View Post
After a 2 month disappearing act, my XAH just texted me that he is blind.
ok, this beats my lobster trap story ... lol
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Old 03-22-2015, 06:59 AM
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Hahahahahahahahahah!
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