ScubaDad

Hi all. I am new here and just need to talk. I have recently found out that my wife is a closet alcoholic. I first learned of her drinking about a year ago. I found a box of empty vodka bottles in the trash and confronted her about it. She lied at first then finally admitted. She promised she would stop but lately I have noticed her acting strange like sleeping all the time. In retrospect she was actually passed out drunk.

Two weeks ago I came home and she was out cold and I smelled alcohol. I found three large vodka bottles hidden in our kids bathroom. She would not admit it but finally did. I started to look in our banking records to see when and where she was buying it and then looked into her email. That is when I learned that she had been cheating on me. I freaked out and told her I was done. She begged and pleaded to save our marriage. We have been married 8 years and have two young kids. I came back after four days and we started working through our issues. She started to go to AA and we were scheduled to see a therapist tomorrow.

Today she was picking our son up from summer camp and then going to get our daughter from camp. On the way she actually hit a police car. They arrested her for DUI, she blew a .20 bac. My son is fine., no one was hurt at all. She is in jail right now and will not get out until 6am. I was out working and did not see all the phone calls from her or the police so my 70yo parents had to go get my son from the police and then go get my daughter.

I am so mad at her for endangering our kids and the constant lying. I called my work EAP and will call my insurance tomorrow to see about detox and rehab for her. I have to get an attorney for her DUI. I should probably get another attorney for a possible divorce. I looked into a local alanon meeting to go to tomorrow. I actually want to leave her in jail. She has done nothing but lie to me and promise she will change and then do something even more horrible. Today was inexcusable.

Any advice?

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR but as always, I am sorry for what brings you here.

I am also sorry for all your pain. Please don't excuse her cheating and blame it on her drinking. They are two separate issues.

Also, I wouldn't hire her an attorney. Let her find her own way out of the mess she created.

Alanon is a great idea. Protect your kids, they really need one healthy parent.

Katchie

Hi and welcome... there will be many more here to welcome you and give wonderful advice. Make sure you read all of the stickies at the top of the Friends and Family forum; it's valuable info.

For starters, bravo that you are going to attend an Alanon meeting. It took me a long time to get to the point of admitting my husband was an alcoholic and I needed help.

So far you are doing great things. One of the things I have learned on this forum and thru. Alanon is to let your alcoholic clean up their own messes. Let her get her own lawyer and work thru. her DUI; my AH did and so can she. Don't involve yourself with the chaos she creates for herself. My AH has had 2 DUI's over the past few years and cleaned them up himself. Let her figure it out, let her be the one uncomfortable, let her sit there and figure out her mess and what caused it. The more you allow her to personally feel what she has done the better, otherwise you risk enabling her to continue on this path of destruction.

It's going to be ok... big hugs to you.

One more thing, my AH would drive my children and I wouldn't know he had been drinking until he was behind the wheel. I made it the law he was not allowed to drive our children anywhere at any time. He just could not be trusted. You may have to do the same. There are so many legal ramifications if you allow your children to ride in a vehicle with someone you know to be an alcoholic -- at least in my state. Not only that, knowing she has that problem, if something happened to one of your children you'd never get over it. Protect them; between you and your wife you are the only one that can do that.

Hopeworks

Oh my. Parenting children with a active alcoholic is a difficult path but you are light years ahead of most spouses in your position.

A detox or inpatient program is only helpful if she truly wants and is willing to do whatever it takes to defeat her disease... other than that it is just geography and "quacking" (what we term alcoholic bs talk). Only her actions after a LONG period will give you any indication as to her future with the kids and how you allow that role to develop.

.20 is a very high... dangerous. If it were me I would have an attorney get an emergency motion for temporary custody of the children and that she has supervised visitation until further notice. There are devices that are handheld and can take a breathalyzer, a picture and email results to whoever (you, judges, attorneys). This may or may not be appropriate...

If you can find a great therapist who understands addiction and is family specialist it can help you navigate these difficult days...especially with the kids whose lives are going to be disrupted and they will be confused and helping them cope would be my number one concern.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I commend you for the assertive action to protect your kids and wish my non-drinking parent had protected me. By setting boundaries and not budging off of them you are helping your A find her own way out of addiction.

Usually DUI's lose their license until the DUI is resolved unless they get a hardship...with a .20 that doesn't seem likely. Depends on your state...however drunk she may drive without the drivers license! Who knows....

Have you read the stickies (posts at the top)? And alanon... it can all be tremendously helpful.

We care. come back often as you need.

Seren

Hello ScubaDad, and Welcome!

Wow, I can only just imagine the whirlwind of emotions and feelings you are experiencing right now! Your head must be spinning...I know mine would be!

I don't know that I can advise you exactly what to do, but I hope that your wife will agree to seek treatment after this event...that it will be the turning point in her life.

Please come back as often as you need as you work through this. There is a great variety of support programs available for family members and friends of alcoholics, and I hope you find something that works for you. You deserve support right now, too!

I hope you have been able to get some rest through all of this and that you allow yourself the time to make decisions that work for you and your family.

ScubaDad

Thank you all for your advice. I will let her clean up her own mess. I just spoke to her and they will let me come pick her up from jail. I will find out about her license, but I think I am going to have to seek temporary custody of the kids until she decides to clean herself up. What an unbelievable day.

ResignedToWait

My response is somewhat blunt. If you're not at the point to hear it, please just know it's all said with YOUR and your CHILDREN's best interests in mind.

With time, once you are ready to finally leave her, you will realize how very, very lucky that this happened the way it did. Primarily, that your children weren't hurt, but also, that she is now most likely going to be a felon. (Most states elevate DUI to that level if a minor is in the vehicle)

Separating from her while protecting your children and your livelihood will be so much easier with this.
You may not see all this now...but in time, you'll see it.

You should absolutely have nothing to do with her legal defense. Why would you?! She just put your child's life in real and serious danger, and you're trying to get her legal defense? You have ZERO obligation to help her right now. You need to be helping the children be safe, and comfortable. If she's big enough to make the decision of driving with her children while extremely inebriated, she's also big enough to deal with the consequences and to try to defend herself legally.

Separate your finances immediately, if you haven't yet. This crime will cost her thousands, and probably tens of thousands of dollars, in the long run. Get yourself away from all that as much as you can.

ResignedToWait

I apologize for my bitter mood...but I'd bet she'll be drinking again within 24 hours, probably less, of you picking her up from jail.

I am truly sorry for the hell you'll be going through with all this.

GracieLou

Chances are high but you never know. This could be her bottom but only she can decide that.

ScubaDad

I am here at the jail now and they will not release her, she is still being evaluated. I really just want to walk away and leave her here. My kids have been asking all morning where mommy is, this is all so unbelievable.

She never drinks in front of me. She has been hiding this for years. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and she has known this since we first met. She knows how much this stuff.scares me. I can't understand how she did this to me and our kids.

GracieLou

I am sure right now she cannot understand how she did it either. It is baffling to you both.

I hope she gets out soon so you can go home and try to unwind a little. I can imagine the stress this is causing. Breath and take one thing at a time. This is not something that gets fixed quickly or easily.

ScubaDad

Again, thank you all for your words. I am so lost right now. There is an alanon meeting tonight. I am going to go and drop my kids at my parents. I am going to leave her at home. I might see if one of her friends (that does not drink) can come over and sit with her while I am gone.
I am going to call an attorney today and see about temporary custody of the kids. I do not trust her at all.

ResignedToWait

Good plan...please don't leave your wife alone with the children, no matter what. Two main reasons...she could realize the enormity of what she's done, get scared, panic, and try to "escape" with them...or it could be used against you later that you felt safe enough leaving them with her.

Katchie

Scuba, I know the night you had must have been awful. All the thoughts running through your head.. My husband never drank in front of me either. He might have a beer or two sometimes but never drank to the point I thought he would have been intoxicated. He kept Crown at his office and was usually drunk before he came home. Before he decided to get sober he was coming home at noon intoxicated needing to sleep it off, then he'd get up and go back to work (he is the boss) for a few hours and come home intoxicated again. But he was very good at hiding it and I swear it was hard to tell unless he was driving. It's awful, he not only jeopardized our children but also everyone else and their families on the road when he drove home.

I couldn't deal with it anymore. I watched over the years as it progressively worsened. My children were beginning to hate him, not want to be around him, laughed at him, and so on.

I didn't fix him, you can't fix her, we cannot fix our alcoholics. They have to do that, they have to want it. If you don't want to pick her up from jail, don't. They can find a way, mine always did. I never once picked him up, mainly because he wouldn't call to ask in the hopes he could hide it from me that it happened.

I know its hard with kids, especially as young as yours. Can you go on vacation to your folks with them? It might not be a bad idea to let them know so you have support. Perhaps let her parents get her out of jail? Use the time to decide what you want, especially since there is the cheating aspect. The ball is in your court. Take your time. She is going to plead, be sorry, sob, throw snot and tears, and she will probably mean a lot of it, and some of it she may not. She has to hit her bottom and FEEL it -- whatever that is for her, its different for everyone. Point is, take time for yourself. Nothing has to be decided right now other than the safety of the children, and you certainly don't have to help get her out of jail.

One more note, for many years I dealt with my AH all alone. I kept it hidden. I stuffed all of my feelings and it festered making myself ill. There was freedom/healing in letting my family and our close friends know. Take care of you, that will be a big part of taking care of the kids.

big hugs and strength to you

Katchie

oops...didn't see your last post. Just want to say you're doing great the way you are handling such an awful situation.

dandylion

Dear ScubaDad---the mother of your children has a disease....a disease which can only be arrested (not cured)through total, lifelong abstainence. The earlier that she accepts treatment, the better.

Going to alanon would be a good idea for you...because I am sure that you are a mixture o f a lot of different intense emotions, right now. It is incumbent that you stay fairly level-headed so that you can make wise and measured decisions....and not based purely on emotion, alone.

Regardless of how the marriage turns out, she is their mother and you are the other parent. You two are important--deeply important--to these children. You will be permanently connected in this sense.
No need for you to "punish" her----she will have her own hell to go through from the shame and guilt and fear that she will be feeling. Actually, those are the feelings that will make her crave to drink..in order to feel better and cope with the feelings!!!! Cleaning up the DUI mess is a special trip through hel*, in itself.

As GracieLue said...this might be her bottom...I hope that it is....but that is going to be in her hands.

I am glad you are getting support and I wish the best for both of you....and the little ones who depend on you all.

dandylion

CodeJob

Hi Scuba Dad,

Well if your dad is recovering A, you two likely were drawn to each other. Do you know much about Adult Child of Alcoholics? There are likely patterns of behavior you and your wife have learned.

Welcome. There is some sound advice here on this thread and SR is chock full of good information and people willing to take the time to lead you to your truth.

I am so thankful your kids are safe. Did you set up counseling for just you via the EAP? For me it was nice to have an unrelated vent option. I hope you find an angel or two at your Al Anon meeting.

ScubaDad

She does not want to go to rehab. Thinks she can do it on her own. The people at my son's summer camp said she.was passed out in the car when she came to pick him up. They could not wake her up. She does not remember that.

I told her I am going to seek temp custody. She is begging me not to. She has her own plan to fix this. I am not going to budge. Either rehab or move out. This is crazy.

Bullfrog

The only advice I have is Al Anon, Al Anon, Al Anon. As a gift to yourself.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this mess.

hopeful4

Hello ScubaDad,

My heart just breaks for you. Don't count on rehab doing anything for her since she does not want it, and want it badly, for herself.

She cannot do it herself, that is proven. Go for custody of the children, they mean the most and have no one to advocate for them except you. Leave her in jail, her problem.

She has a serious problem. Understand how big this is, she was wasted while driving around your children in a car. Good grief, that's awful. Don't let her minimize what just happened.

She is obviously still in denial or she would not think she could do this on her own. Be strong, your kids need you.

So so sorry.