Wife got a DUI with my 7yo son in the car
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Another thing to watch for ---------- is she going to rehab to try to get better or is she going so that the judge will be more lenient?
When my ex was arrested for domestic violence, the next day he found a place to go to for abusive men. The judge took this into consideration, and also made him go for an alcohol evaluation. He had to take alcohol classes for 6 weeks, and DV classes for 26 weeks, case was postponed till after the 26 weeks was completed.
He went to court, all charges were dismissed, immediately after court, he went to the bar, came home drunk and verbally abused me.
So watch her actions very clearly, words mean nothing.
When my ex was arrested for domestic violence, the next day he found a place to go to for abusive men. The judge took this into consideration, and also made him go for an alcohol evaluation. He had to take alcohol classes for 6 weeks, and DV classes for 26 weeks, case was postponed till after the 26 weeks was completed.
He went to court, all charges were dismissed, immediately after court, he went to the bar, came home drunk and verbally abused me.
So watch her actions very clearly, words mean nothing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. My X went to rehab to stay out of jail also. Got put on probation, drank through probation. Once off probation, the very next day, he got drunk, tried to abuse me, and I kicked him out. Even though he knew he could go back to jail he still drank during probation. Amazing, and disgusting.
And this man is not some bumb on the street. He has a good job as a social worker (ha, I know right), had a house, nice car, two kids, wife, all of it.
And this man is not some bumb on the street. He has a good job as a social worker (ha, I know right), had a house, nice car, two kids, wife, all of it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Even 28 days isn't enough. My STBXAH went to rehab four times while we were still together, usually after a big honkin' relapse. They always advised that he go to a long-term sober living facility, and he never went. He's not any better today two years later than when I left him. He went for a good buff-and-shine, just long enough to make folks believe he was at least trying and back off of him.
This is a lifetime thing. 14, 21, 28 days? Blip on the radar. It's about big life changes. I hit my bottom when I realized that my head-in-the-sand approach could have meant that he drowned my infant daughter. He was drinking while giving her a bath.
Just go into this with your eyes open. This can get so dark you lose yourself.
This is a lifetime thing. 14, 21, 28 days? Blip on the radar. It's about big life changes. I hit my bottom when I realized that my head-in-the-sand approach could have meant that he drowned my infant daughter. He was drinking while giving her a bath.
Just go into this with your eyes open. This can get so dark you lose yourself.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by ScubaDad 
They have a bed for her. We will take the kids to camp in the morning and then I will take her to the in patient rehab. 28 day program at best, they said probably 14 to 21 days.
I don't think that will be enough.
I don't think that will be enough.
AWtf figured she was so special she would done in 21 days.
Called at 21 days, a total mess.
Rehab told us to lie to her and tell her she was better.
Came back a total wack job.
The whole thing was the dumbest $10K spending of my life.
Tell me you are smarter than me and not paying for a dime of this nonsense.
Just for look aheads, we are now at 18 months back from rehab and she is just generally a total a-hole most of the time. (called Dry Drunk). If not for the kids, she would already be soooooo gone.
If you can just sign-off this mess and be done, I would think you wiser.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by hopeful4
He has a good job as a social worker (ha, I know right), had a house, nice car, two kids, wife, all of it.
I think the biggest difference is the number 3 regarding the kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
Haven't read all the posts
Originally Posted by ScubaDad
I really just want to walk away and leave her here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
My wife is going to rehab today. She seems to have a clear mind and is understanding what she has done. We met with her therapist yesterday and had long discussions on this. She had never told her therapist that she was drinking. I never saw her drink, she hid it 100%. I hope this is the beginning of her fixing herself. I've told her and the therapist that this is her last chance. I am not going to take this anymore. I called an attorney yesterday and will speak to him today. My wife has called a DUI attorney and will meet with him today before she goes to rehab. Our kids think that she is going away to help her uncle fir a few weeks. They are sad but this has to happen if we are going to stay together. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday and I found an alanon meeting close to my house.
I feel like I have lined up everything I need to be doing and can see that she is doing the same. She wrote down contact numbers of family friends I can call for help, good people, not her degenerate friends. She showed me how we pay all our bills. She helped me with what our kids like to eat everyday. I travel for work and have very limited knowledge of all of this. This is going to be a tough month for all of us but it has to be done if we are going to have a future. Very scary stuff, should have happened two years ago. Mi hope that Wednesday was her bottom. God only knows.
I feel like I have lined up everything I need to be doing and can see that she is doing the same. She wrote down contact numbers of family friends I can call for help, good people, not her degenerate friends. She showed me how we pay all our bills. She helped me with what our kids like to eat everyday. I travel for work and have very limited knowledge of all of this. This is going to be a tough month for all of us but it has to be done if we are going to have a future. Very scary stuff, should have happened two years ago. Mi hope that Wednesday was her bottom. God only knows.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by ScubaDad
Our kids think that she is going away to help her uncle fir a few weeks.
REAL STRONGLY. Kids are smart and already know "something" is wrong with her. Yeah, they do. It is very confusing to them if you -- as the trusted one -- start lying.
They already have a "problem person" for a mom (is that kind enough?). They do not need a dad who is lying and covering for mom. Just my experience.
I know this is all new to you, but you may want to look at Alateen ahead for them. Starts at 9 y.o.
They are sad but this has to happen if we are going to stay together. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday and I found an alanon meeting close to my house.
Would also look into Plan X, as CJ, says. Stands for EXIT.
I feel like I have lined up everything I need to be doing and can see that she is doing the same. She wrote down contact numbers of family friends I can call for help, good people, not her degenerate friends. She showed me how we pay all our bills. She helped me with what our kids like to eat everyday. I travel for work and have very limited knowledge of all of this. This is going to be a tough month for all of us but it has to be done if we are going to have a future. Very scary stuff, should have happened two years ago. Mi hope that Wednesday was her bottom. God only knows.
Good job on the Off-The-Road and taking care of the kids things. Same way things went down around here. Wound up with all the kids coming and asking -- "Dad, if mom relapses, you have us, right?" So this is training time for you, too.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Florence
Even 28 days isn't enough. My STBXAH went to rehab four times while we were still together, usually after a big honkin' relapse.
For a few treatment works and they will attain long term sobriety. May depend on the reason in which we are going there. Is it only to keep the wife around or to satisfy the judge ? If so the odds from what I have witnessed in Recovery I think would be very low.
Only God knows who will and who will not..
Mountainman
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Just because it did not work for one does not mean that it does not work for all.
For a few treatment works and they will attain long term sobriety. May depend on the reason in which we are going there. Is it only to keep the wife around or to satisfy the judge ? If so the odds from what I have witnessed in Recovery I think would be very low.
For a few treatment works and they will attain long term sobriety. May depend on the reason in which we are going there. Is it only to keep the wife around or to satisfy the judge ? If so the odds from what I have witnessed in Recovery I think would be very low.
As codies, any sign of improvement or change is enough for us to abandon all boundaries. It's a terrible roller coaster to be on when our As are not ready to quit.
The silver lining is that IME many alcoholics who find sobriety go on to have full and rich and complex lives and are fully capable of recovery in ways that sometimes folks with other DOCs are not. I know many recovering alcoholics who you'd never even suspect had drinking problems, because they are so vibrant and healthy today.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
It sounds like you both are trying hard
I second what Hammer said about lying to kids.
As an ACOA I can second the notion that they do know:
1)something is very wrong
2)parents are lying about what
I wish all of you the best possible outcome.
I second what Hammer said about lying to kids.
As an ACOA I can second the notion that they do know:
1)something is very wrong
2)parents are lying about what
I wish all of you the best possible outcome.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Florence
The silver lining is that IME many alcoholics who find sobriety go on to have full and rich and complex lives and are fully capable of recovery in ways that sometimes folks with other DOCs are not. I know many recovering alcoholics who you'd never even suspect had drinking problems, because they are so vibrant and healthy today.
Doesn't mean it's pleasant. Not at all. But the results can be absolutely fantastic if effort, honesty and courage are brought to bear.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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I agree to be honest with the kids Scuba Dad. I started talking to my DS about H's drinking long before I got tired of it and kicked him out.
Perhaps a month ago my DS was talking about working on a group report on Eminem. His research buddy said, "What's rehab?" My son looked at me in the car and said, "I just didn't tell him." I told him that was absolutely fine to on occasion withhold information if it was going to get sticky as to why you know what you know. His friends - even his best friends - do not know where his dad went last year.
And though not particularly an amazing representation of the promises, RAH is home, working full time, and sober 14 mo. RAH was just talking to me about how he has not had all of the AA promises take shape in his life and I just said, Maybe you should talk to someone about it.
Who knows, at least he is thinking about it.
This phrase is so irritating but pretty dead true, "More will be revealed." Buckle up ScubaDad as you take over her roles and she starts rehab work, more is going to be revealed.
So glad you are here. Hope you can rearrange your work travel a bit. You sound economically pretty sound. You might want to think about arranging for a nanny to help in the long term. Someone to shadow at home and drag the kids places and free you up to travel still and not always depend on family? If AH returns to your home, she is going to likely be busy with recovery tasks.... You seem so organized and on top of things that I think this thread of yours is very advanced. Don't panic as you have really done an amazing job. Kudos. Seriously.
Perhaps a month ago my DS was talking about working on a group report on Eminem. His research buddy said, "What's rehab?" My son looked at me in the car and said, "I just didn't tell him." I told him that was absolutely fine to on occasion withhold information if it was going to get sticky as to why you know what you know. His friends - even his best friends - do not know where his dad went last year.
And though not particularly an amazing representation of the promises, RAH is home, working full time, and sober 14 mo. RAH was just talking to me about how he has not had all of the AA promises take shape in his life and I just said, Maybe you should talk to someone about it.
Who knows, at least he is thinking about it.This phrase is so irritating but pretty dead true, "More will be revealed." Buckle up ScubaDad as you take over her roles and she starts rehab work, more is going to be revealed.
So glad you are here. Hope you can rearrange your work travel a bit. You sound economically pretty sound. You might want to think about arranging for a nanny to help in the long term. Someone to shadow at home and drag the kids places and free you up to travel still and not always depend on family? If AH returns to your home, she is going to likely be busy with recovery tasks.... You seem so organized and on top of things that I think this thread of yours is very advanced. Don't panic as you have really done an amazing job. Kudos. Seriously.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
Thanks again to all for the advice. My wife checked in to rehab today. She seems very dedicated to this task. I can tell she is a little scared but seems ready for the tough road ahead. I can only pray that she will commit to recovery.
Kids had a great day at camp and are chilling here with me at home. My parents are hovering a little bit too much right now and I have asked them to give me some space. This has been a tough couple of days and I need some time to myself. My mom is real quick to pile on my wife and I don't care for it. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and sometimes i feel the need to remind my mom about that. From when I was 12 until 26 I experienced the pain of having an alcoholic parent and not until my dad almost died by aspirating his vomit did he get clean. He was never mean, just a complete idiot and zombie. He has been sober for over 17 years and has never seemed interested in drinking. He did not drink when they first married, but as his business began to fail he slowly became a complete alcoholic. He never hid it from anyone. It was tough to watch as a child and I refuse for my kids to be a part of that. I just don't care for my mother's judgmental attitude. I believe I am handling this the best way I can and can only pray that my wife follows through. I am fully aware of the garbage that my wife has placed in my life. My wife knows that this is the last chance. I will no longer accept her drunken behavior. What I need now is for her to do her best and stay committed, and I need to focus on my kids and myself.
I think i will work from home next week and then go out for a couple of days the first week of July. I have three babysitters that can cover while I am traveling. I know this is going to be hard but I am sure we can handle it. This weekend we will stay home, do chores and maybe cruise the mall. Nothing better than blowing a fist full of quarters on some gumballs! Have a great weekend and thank you for your advice, support and for sharing your experiences.
Kids had a great day at camp and are chilling here with me at home. My parents are hovering a little bit too much right now and I have asked them to give me some space. This has been a tough couple of days and I need some time to myself. My mom is real quick to pile on my wife and I don't care for it. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and sometimes i feel the need to remind my mom about that. From when I was 12 until 26 I experienced the pain of having an alcoholic parent and not until my dad almost died by aspirating his vomit did he get clean. He was never mean, just a complete idiot and zombie. He has been sober for over 17 years and has never seemed interested in drinking. He did not drink when they first married, but as his business began to fail he slowly became a complete alcoholic. He never hid it from anyone. It was tough to watch as a child and I refuse for my kids to be a part of that. I just don't care for my mother's judgmental attitude. I believe I am handling this the best way I can and can only pray that my wife follows through. I am fully aware of the garbage that my wife has placed in my life. My wife knows that this is the last chance. I will no longer accept her drunken behavior. What I need now is for her to do her best and stay committed, and I need to focus on my kids and myself.
I think i will work from home next week and then go out for a couple of days the first week of July. I have three babysitters that can cover while I am traveling. I know this is going to be hard but I am sure we can handle it. This weekend we will stay home, do chores and maybe cruise the mall. Nothing better than blowing a fist full of quarters on some gumballs! Have a great weekend and thank you for your advice, support and for sharing your experiences.
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