FireSprite

I'm so sorry ScubaDad, I absolutely agree with the previous posters about sticking to your guns & protecting your kids.

I have to say though - there is no way in Hades that I would be bailing RAH out of jail if I had just found out he was cheating on me in addition to the hidden drinking. No way. Save your $500 for summer activities for the kids or plan a weekend away for you & the kids doing something fun & decadent.

Actually, now that I think of it, I didn't bail him out even though he wasn't cheating. I had simply had ENOUGH and all of my fixing never changed anything. Things changed significantly when he had to wake up & take care of it all on his own without me as his safety net running behind him writing checks, tying up loose ends & reminding him of his court dates & commitments.

She's an adult, she can do this if she REALLY wants it.

firebolt

No need to feel weird about sharing....how else would you get through all that without spending time in a straight jacket or God forbid...picking up your own unhealthy coping mechanism?! It's so stressful, maddening, and just defeating. Besides- a good portion of us have been through this, and then some.

Hang in there - I hope you can find some peace in all this, do things that YOU enjoy, spend time with your kids, and face the reality of the situation with logic, detachment and self care. You have no control over anything going on there but yourself. That is easy understand, but very, very difficult to apply. Take care (((HUG)))

Tamerua

I have no more wisdom to add here, I just wanted to say that I think you're handling this really well and soundly. Good luck to you and the kiddos.

BlueSkies1

She probably does mean it at this point. Mostly because she is in very hot water right now. It's one thing to get a DUI. Another to get one with kids in the car. And WHEW wow to have smashed a police car to get one. She gets the award for craziest DUI.

The guilt though will recede over time. That's why she will need long term therapy, AA possibly, Rehab, whatever she can get to help her do this long term, not just until the guilt wears off. Guilt might wear off in a week, might wear off in a year, either way--you don't want her to go back to drinking and thinking it is ok to disrespect your marriage or endanger her children or get in trouble with the law. Her thinking isn't going to change overnight even with guilt or even with the best intentions to.

I can understand feeling weird. It's ok, you're safe here as long as you continue to keep factual personal info to a minimum. You're incognito.

ScubaDad

We are at a rehab. They are evaluating her for in or out patient. From everyone saying I need to get a lawyer does anyone have advice on where to start to find one?

POAndrea

So glad the children weren't injured (and her too, I guess.) I'm surprized you haven't had a visit by children's services yet--but they will probably come knocking soon, so it might be a good idea to have a safety plan already in place when they do. The social workers are usually pretty nice people, but they will be more concerned with kids' welfare than parents' feelings, so be prepared for some pretty tough questions, like "What are YOU going to do to make sure your wife doesn't kill your children the next drunken time 'round?" They aren't going to care that she "promises" to go to rehab and never ever drink again, so long as she lives, cross-her-fingers-and-hope-to die. They just want to know that the children will not be at risk from her drunk driving. Depending on how old the little ones are, DCFS may even want to prohibit her from their unsupervised care, and if you don't have a good safety plan that you enforce it could mean removal from your home.

The infidelity and deception are certainly hurtful, but the whole child advocacy thing could be much more disruptive, if not devastating, to your whole family.

Hugs to you and your little ones!

FireSprite

I always start with referrals. If you have friends you can trust to share this with that have been through a divorce & can recommend someone (or advise against someone specifically) that can be helpful.

If you have an attorney that handled any legal paperwork for you at anytime - wills, power of attorneys, etc., then you can always ask them for a referral to someone that handles divorce.

If you have a trusted CPA, financial advisor or other professional that you deal with they can also be a good resource for these kinds of referrals.

m1k3

Doesn't need to be a WE to get her into rehab. As the saying goes, not my monkey, not my circus.

BTW, rehab doesn't mean recovery. My AW went through multiple rehabs. Didn't mean a thing.

Google is a good place to start. You said you had friends who were lawyers, ask for a recommendation.

Good luck to you and your children.

Fandy

i would think that you need an attorney that specializes in criminal law and someone who knows both divorce and child welfare. I'm not saying that you will jump up and file to separate today, but you first and foremost want your children protected. You want to preserve the kids home life, so the best thing might be to have her move out and have supervised visitation unless they send her to inpatient.

If she is an outpatient she is still in the home, and who will supervise because she is not a fit mother at this point in time. and I'm not saying this as judgement, but because of the charges that have been filed against her when she was arrested for driving drunk with her child in the car.

You said that you had EAP from your job, maybe the counselor there can help you today?

on top of all of this there is the financial strain now placed on the family budget. You paid her bail, the car is in impound, how is SHE going to pay for this.

she is a very unstable person right now, but she should not have a soft landing, the fact that she has been disrespecting your marriage and driving drunk with the kids in the car speaks pretty loud about her mental state.

Carlotta

to SR and I am sorry for what is bringing you here
Please do not feel weird, this is what we are here for: supporting each other confidentially.
You are really handling it like a champ, I wish I had been that together when I started Al Anon rather than being the weeping basket case I was LOL
I think it is wise that you are filing for custody: she might get charged with endangering the welfare of a minor meaning that CPS will get involved and your child might be at risk of being taken away. It is good that you are being pro active..go see your lawyer asap.
Keep up your good work and your priorities straight, she made her bed she can sleep in it. Your first duty is to your baby then to yourself.

Seren

Hello ScubaDad,

It has been a whirlwind of a time the last 24-48, hasn't it?

It's great news that she and you are now at a rehab facility and she is being interviewed for admission. Hopefully, they have a bed, and she will agree to stay and the addict inside of her won't panic and run. If she stays, she's in great hands. Don't worry about her, just focus on what you need to do for yourself and the kids. If he doesn't stay, don't worry too much about her, just focus on yourself and the kids.

I know there are so many decisions you need to make and actions you need to take, but please don't stress yourself out that all the answers must come right now, this minute!!

Allow yourself some time to do what you believe is best for you and for your children. Your wife, in rehab, is going to have to learn to do the work needed to truly recover. I hope for her sake, and for yours, that she will grab hold of this opportunity for recovery.

GracieLou

This is how we get better. We share and we learn.

There is no shame in asking for help. Took me a long time to get that through my thick head.

You are doing great, hang in there!

ScubaDad

They have a bed for her. We will take the kids to camp in the morning and then I will take her to the in patient rehab. 28 day program at best, they said probably 14 to 21 days.

I don't think that will be enough.

LoveMeNow

I agree! I have been told my many that the first month's thinking was.....ok, I have it back under control. By the 3rd month, they realized how sick their thinking was the first month.

When or if you start to feel sorry for her, try picturing your scared son at the police station.

LoveMeNow

I would think the police would be calling in Department of families and children. Be prepared!!

lillamy

Lawyer: Do you have any friends who have gone through divorces? Any friends who are lawyers? I would rely on referrals from people you trust. You don't have to spread the whole story around town, just call a person you trust and tell them you need a good divorce lawyer.

I'm hesitating about the next part of this, because it sounds evil, but based on my experience going through years of divorce and custody proceedings with an actively drinking alcoholic, and spending more money than I care to admit in the process, my advice to anyone contemplating divorcing an addict is: Find the meanest, nastiest junkyard dog of an attorney you can -- who is still well-respected in the courts. Someone who doesn't mind if your wife's reputation and image gets dragged in the dirt. Someone who will have your back every step of the way. NOT THAT IT NEEDS TO GET THAT UGLY -- but if it does, you need to have the firepower on your side.

Oh -- and you talked about your job's EAP -- check with them if they do legal referrals as well. Some EAP programs do.

honeypig

ScubaDad, I have read this thread and can't imagine how utterly and completely blindsided you must feel. What a load to have dumped on you out of the clear blue!

Kudos to you for coming here and looking into Alanon for support, and even more kudos for putting your children first rather than turning yourself inside out trying to give your AW a soft landing.

I often tell people I wish them strength and clarity--you sound like you have tons of both already, so I'll wish you some moments of peace instead. Hang in, and do let us know how the Alanon meeting goes, OK?

hopeful4

You know they just throw the 28 day number out there b/c that is normally what insurance pays for.

It is not nearly enough. I have a big problem with rehabs b/c most of them are just a little mini vacation. I encourage you to do some checking and make sure this is the right fit for her if you are going to pay, make sure you are paying a place that is actually going to help her.

When my X went to rehab (28 days), he was surprised to find that many of the people there were there for serious drug addiction. Well, he was there for alcohol addiction and Rx drugs. Not nearly as extreme, so get got nothing out of it except a month away from reality. I really wish he had interviewed with several so we would not have wasted the $ we did.

Not trying to discourage, I just know that even w/insurance rehab is expensive and time consuming and I wish more people did the research.

There is no rule you have to immediately let her come home after rehab either. Time will tell if she is going to actually recover, or just attend. Huge difference.

Take good care of you and your kids.

GracieLou

There is no such thing as enough.

Alcoholism is progressive as well as the recovery.

It is ongoing. There is no fix. You don’t walk in and come out clean like a car wash.

What it may do is detox and plant the seed good enough for her to continue recovery afterward but there are no guarantees. You have to continue to look out for you and your children as if she is not available because she won’t be even if she is sober. Not mentally anyway, not for a while.

This is were prayer comes in. Pray for her and yourself. Ask for strength and guidance. In the meantime do what you have to do to protect yourself and the kids. I know your trust is shattered and it is going to take a long time and a lot of action from her to get even some of it back and that takes time.

Remember that actions speak louder than words. Action is all you should be looking for. Ignore the promises and the pity parties.

Sending good thoughts and prayers to your family.

Carlotta

Rehab is what the person makes of it. I checked myself in voluntarily in 2001 and stayed sober for over 5 years and made the most of it because I wanted it.
While we were together, my XABF went through 4 or 5 rehabs (lost track) and could not stay sober for more than a few weeks at most (walked out of a couple of them too because he knew he had it licked and there was nothing they could teach him!!!)
Why? Because he would go in to get me, or the powers that be or his employer off his back not because he genuinely wanted to recover.
So be careful, she is agreeing to go to pacify you and the court. Maybe it will stick and maybe not...do not hold your breath and keep moving forward for you and your son.