Its all getting to me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
Its all getting to me
Hi all
Im not sure where to start, because not all of how i feel is about my A, but i think i can see a pattern emerging, so canu help me out.
At the moment im feeling so angry, resentfull and horrid.Its mainly directed to my A. I havent seen him again for over a week, although he has stayed in touch by the phone, most days , but at the moment he is just realy winding me up.
I think alot of my anger at the moment , is because of this , My mums just moved back down to where i live, she left when i was just 14, because she remarried, and kids were't part of the deal, i had to go in to a bedsit and try and cope with living on my own, bring myself up, and just try and stay on top of things.
Well i did all that ,we still stayed in touch by phone , and i went on 2 marry a abusive voilent husband, divorced him , brought my kids up with no surport from my mother, and now she's back here, and wanting to play happy famlies, she wants to be here every day, phones me on my mobile if im not at home , to tell me that they are sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to get home.
And i just CANT DEAL WITH THIS, ive told her that i need time to get use to her being back , and that i want my space, but all it did was to make her feel guilty, and tell me what a crap mum she no's shes been.Im so close to telling her "yes u was ", and then i feel guilty.
Everything is just getting to much , I resent myA, and am quite sure he could be playing around , im angry with him , and my mum, and i dont no what to do with all these feelings.
Am i wrong to feel this way, should i just be able to forget the past , and move on, i wish i could ,i dont hate my mum or my A,i love them both , but theyVE caused me so much pain and heartache, yet i cant cut either of them out of my life.
At the same time i know i cant carry on with things the way they are, Mum coming back has pulled up so many unwanted memories, what with my A, and worrying about my kids , i feel like im at the end of my tether
Any advice u guys can give me on how to handle all these different emotions, and get my balance back, would really be helpfull, I know that if anyone can give me some clarity on all this , its you guys,
Thanks for listening , it helps just telling u all .
loads of love spin
Im not sure where to start, because not all of how i feel is about my A, but i think i can see a pattern emerging, so canu help me out.
At the moment im feeling so angry, resentfull and horrid.Its mainly directed to my A. I havent seen him again for over a week, although he has stayed in touch by the phone, most days , but at the moment he is just realy winding me up.
I think alot of my anger at the moment , is because of this , My mums just moved back down to where i live, she left when i was just 14, because she remarried, and kids were't part of the deal, i had to go in to a bedsit and try and cope with living on my own, bring myself up, and just try and stay on top of things.
Well i did all that ,we still stayed in touch by phone , and i went on 2 marry a abusive voilent husband, divorced him , brought my kids up with no surport from my mother, and now she's back here, and wanting to play happy famlies, she wants to be here every day, phones me on my mobile if im not at home , to tell me that they are sitting on my doorstep waiting for me to get home.
And i just CANT DEAL WITH THIS, ive told her that i need time to get use to her being back , and that i want my space, but all it did was to make her feel guilty, and tell me what a crap mum she no's shes been.Im so close to telling her "yes u was ", and then i feel guilty.
Everything is just getting to much , I resent myA, and am quite sure he could be playing around , im angry with him , and my mum, and i dont no what to do with all these feelings.
Am i wrong to feel this way, should i just be able to forget the past , and move on, i wish i could ,i dont hate my mum or my A,i love them both , but theyVE caused me so much pain and heartache, yet i cant cut either of them out of my life.
At the same time i know i cant carry on with things the way they are, Mum coming back has pulled up so many unwanted memories, what with my A, and worrying about my kids , i feel like im at the end of my tether
Any advice u guys can give me on how to handle all these different emotions, and get my balance back, would really be helpfull, I know that if anyone can give me some clarity on all this , its you guys,
Thanks for listening , it helps just telling u all .
loads of love spin
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Spindell
I can feel the chaos surrounding you, and want you to know that it is okay for you to make a peaceful safe place for yourself.
I would suggest setting some boundaries with your mom...maybe specific times that you are willing to meet with her or talk on the phone. Set what works for you. An example, I will have lunch with you each Saturday and call you twice during the week..(.or certainly less if that is too much). Tell her, as you did us, that you need time to get used to this new relationship, and that this is how you need to handle it. Be prepared for her to "react" but let that go because it is her stuff, not yours. Once you decide on a boundary, stick to it or it will have no impact. It is hard at first, but it is part of us getting our own control back.
I think you have done admirably well with the hand that life dealt you, and now it is time to remember that you are the adult here and can make your own decisions, whether or not anyone else agrees with or likes them. All they have to do is respect them.
If you can get to meetings and find some live support where you live, it would help you immensely. And know that we are always here for you and care.
It's all baby steps and we start by just starting. Ready, set, you go girl!!!
I can feel the chaos surrounding you, and want you to know that it is okay for you to make a peaceful safe place for yourself.
I would suggest setting some boundaries with your mom...maybe specific times that you are willing to meet with her or talk on the phone. Set what works for you. An example, I will have lunch with you each Saturday and call you twice during the week..(.or certainly less if that is too much). Tell her, as you did us, that you need time to get used to this new relationship, and that this is how you need to handle it. Be prepared for her to "react" but let that go because it is her stuff, not yours. Once you decide on a boundary, stick to it or it will have no impact. It is hard at first, but it is part of us getting our own control back.
I think you have done admirably well with the hand that life dealt you, and now it is time to remember that you are the adult here and can make your own decisions, whether or not anyone else agrees with or likes them. All they have to do is respect them.
If you can get to meetings and find some live support where you live, it would help you immensely. And know that we are always here for you and care.
It's all baby steps and we start by just starting. Ready, set, you go girl!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Spin.
That's an awful lot to have to deal with at once. No wonder your head is swimming. Your mom WAS a lousy mom, and nobody can fault you for needing some time to get used to the new and improved version. Please don't take her guilt on yourself. You sound like a forgiving person, and because of that your mom may get a chance to do some making up. However, there is no reason to let her rush you. It sounds like you have already explained this in a compassionate manner, so try to let go of the way she feels about it. You are not responsible for how she feels.
Do they have nerf bats over there? It's like a cricket bat only it's made of foam rubber. I made a lot of good use of mine. In this neck of the woods, you can also find a thing called a "dammit doll". It's a rag doll with really long legs and the idea is to swing it by the legs and beat the furniture and walls yelling "dammit". Very cleansing. It's natural to feel frustrated with all this. So go ahead and stomp around awhile instead of bottling it up. Once you've let a little steam off, go do something really nice for yourself. Look over Ann's "how to have fun" post and see if there's anything in there for you.
Hugs,
Smoke
That's an awful lot to have to deal with at once. No wonder your head is swimming. Your mom WAS a lousy mom, and nobody can fault you for needing some time to get used to the new and improved version. Please don't take her guilt on yourself. You sound like a forgiving person, and because of that your mom may get a chance to do some making up. However, there is no reason to let her rush you. It sounds like you have already explained this in a compassionate manner, so try to let go of the way she feels about it. You are not responsible for how she feels.
Do they have nerf bats over there? It's like a cricket bat only it's made of foam rubber. I made a lot of good use of mine. In this neck of the woods, you can also find a thing called a "dammit doll". It's a rag doll with really long legs and the idea is to swing it by the legs and beat the furniture and walls yelling "dammit". Very cleansing. It's natural to feel frustrated with all this. So go ahead and stomp around awhile instead of bottling it up. Once you've let a little steam off, go do something really nice for yourself. Look over Ann's "how to have fun" post and see if there's anything in there for you.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
Phew
Hi ann's and Smoke.
Thanks for your advice , im sitting here bawling my eyes out , it's so good to know that im amougst people who really care, its makes such a difference. when i re read my post i felt guilty because it sounded so , self pitying, but reading your post makes me realise , that this is a major problem for me and i have to find ways of dealing with it. feeling guilty for being angry isnt going to get me anywhere.
WE do have a thing over here caled a stress ball, you can throw it or pull it in any direction and it never breaks, so may be i will go and get one. I have tryed looking for a AL, anon group in my area, but there dosent seem to be anything available, AA, yes loads of those , but not anything to help the co , dependents,.
I might call our gp , surgery and ask them , but , we are talking england, and i still think the STIFF UPPER LIP applies alot still over here, although things are getting better, we just seem to be so behind the times.
Im going to take your advice though, i will sit mum down and put the bounderies in place , and be honest with her, i know she will react, but i know that for my own sanity i have to do tis , i will keep u posted on how things go. As for my A, at the moment i dont have the energy to deal with his womanising, or drinking, i love him , but i am angry at him , and i think its time i allowed myself to really feel that, and leave him to his own devices, instead of trying to come to any major decisions about us, plus on the realistic side i dont have any proof that his messing around, so why worry about it till i no for sure.
Its amazing that not half a hour ago i was in a complete mess, and now , because of u my friends, im already thinking more clearly,,,,, thank you so much, i really hope that i can be of as much value to u and anyone else one day.
love to all , spin
Thanks for your advice , im sitting here bawling my eyes out , it's so good to know that im amougst people who really care, its makes such a difference. when i re read my post i felt guilty because it sounded so , self pitying, but reading your post makes me realise , that this is a major problem for me and i have to find ways of dealing with it. feeling guilty for being angry isnt going to get me anywhere.
WE do have a thing over here caled a stress ball, you can throw it or pull it in any direction and it never breaks, so may be i will go and get one. I have tryed looking for a AL, anon group in my area, but there dosent seem to be anything available, AA, yes loads of those , but not anything to help the co , dependents,.
I might call our gp , surgery and ask them , but , we are talking england, and i still think the STIFF UPPER LIP applies alot still over here, although things are getting better, we just seem to be so behind the times.
Im going to take your advice though, i will sit mum down and put the bounderies in place , and be honest with her, i know she will react, but i know that for my own sanity i have to do tis , i will keep u posted on how things go. As for my A, at the moment i dont have the energy to deal with his womanising, or drinking, i love him , but i am angry at him , and i think its time i allowed myself to really feel that, and leave him to his own devices, instead of trying to come to any major decisions about us, plus on the realistic side i dont have any proof that his messing around, so why worry about it till i no for sure.
Its amazing that not half a hour ago i was in a complete mess, and now , because of u my friends, im already thinking more clearly,,,,, thank you so much, i really hope that i can be of as much value to u and anyone else one day.
love to all , spin
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Spindell,
What a lot of stuff to deal with at once.
I would just like to tell you my experience with something similar. I had a pattern my whole life of choosing men who didn't treat me well ( Evidently I still do......babysteps.) Anyway, my mother did not leave me but she was very unavailable and very critical. I found through couseling that I become involved in relationships with men to try to work out those issues with my mother and the feelings it left behind. Therefore I choose men who ignore me and tend to be verbally abusive. Mostly my A is the neglectful type.
I find that the more I work through issues with my mother, the more I just forgive her for being human and for doing the best she knew how. Once I was able to forgive her and realize that it wasn't my fault, I was able to move on and make better choices.
Now, mind you, I thought I married a man who was serious about recovery, evidently I was wrong but if I stay in therapy............
.................................................. ..........................
JUST THINK HOW GREAT MY 2nd HUSBAND IS GOING TO BE
I'm only kidding (I think)
All I'm trying to say is have you thought of counseling? Because it really helped me.
Love,
Searching
What a lot of stuff to deal with at once.
I would just like to tell you my experience with something similar. I had a pattern my whole life of choosing men who didn't treat me well ( Evidently I still do......babysteps.) Anyway, my mother did not leave me but she was very unavailable and very critical. I found through couseling that I become involved in relationships with men to try to work out those issues with my mother and the feelings it left behind. Therefore I choose men who ignore me and tend to be verbally abusive. Mostly my A is the neglectful type.
I find that the more I work through issues with my mother, the more I just forgive her for being human and for doing the best she knew how. Once I was able to forgive her and realize that it wasn't my fault, I was able to move on and make better choices.
Now, mind you, I thought I married a man who was serious about recovery, evidently I was wrong but if I stay in therapy............
.................................................. ..........................
JUST THINK HOW GREAT MY 2nd HUSBAND IS GOING TO BE
I'm only kidding (I think)
All I'm trying to say is have you thought of counseling? Because it really helped me.
Love,
Searching
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: england
Posts: 47
ur doing great
Hey searching
just wanted to say, i think ur doing great, and hubby number two will be a lucky man indeed, u hang on in there my friend , u desrve the best. u all do
hugs spin
just wanted to say, i think ur doing great, and hubby number two will be a lucky man indeed, u hang on in there my friend , u desrve the best. u all do
hugs spin
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Spindell
If you want to post or PM me what part of England you are from, I may be able to help you with finding meetings.
They really are terrific. And you don't have to keep a stiff upper lip there. (I'm Scottish ancestry and know all about those stiff lips LOL)
If you want to post or PM me what part of England you are from, I may be able to help you with finding meetings.
They really are terrific. And you don't have to keep a stiff upper lip there. (I'm Scottish ancestry and know all about those stiff lips LOL)
Fantastic Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 176
****************************{Spin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Girl............... you have had so much to deal with. I wish I could just give you a shoulder to cry on.
Everyone is right about your Mother...I don't mean to be critical...but %^&* her for leaving. I am a Mother Bear type person. You do need to tell her to BACK off for a bit. Get your head on right, maybe couselling? Maybe things will work out great for you two. I beleive truly that things happen for a reason.........just like my A having a seizure in a public place with his daughter...no one would ever believe me that he was a major A or help me. But it happened and now he is geting help.
Well maybe Mom has come back to help you...even if she is being a pain right now, maybe it is finally her time to be your support?
Mothers are crazy people I am one too. I hope I have done well.
My Mom was not the most loving Mom....and I had much anger about her for years, finally I was able to put it aside when she becam very very ill and still is. I came to terms that she did the best she knew how to do. I am doing better as a Mother and good for me...but she did all she knew. I can't recall her ever telling me she loved me...till this year. She was intimidating, demanding and critical.
I am rambling a bit tonight....I hope you are feeling better.........
take Spin
Love you
Kitty
Girl............... you have had so much to deal with. I wish I could just give you a shoulder to cry on.
Everyone is right about your Mother...I don't mean to be critical...but %^&* her for leaving. I am a Mother Bear type person. You do need to tell her to BACK off for a bit. Get your head on right, maybe couselling? Maybe things will work out great for you two. I beleive truly that things happen for a reason.........just like my A having a seizure in a public place with his daughter...no one would ever believe me that he was a major A or help me. But it happened and now he is geting help.
Well maybe Mom has come back to help you...even if she is being a pain right now, maybe it is finally her time to be your support?
Mothers are crazy people I am one too. I hope I have done well.
My Mom was not the most loving Mom....and I had much anger about her for years, finally I was able to put it aside when she becam very very ill and still is. I came to terms that she did the best she knew how to do. I am doing better as a Mother and good for me...but she did all she knew. I can't recall her ever telling me she loved me...till this year. She was intimidating, demanding and critical.
I am rambling a bit tonight....I hope you are feeling better.........
take Spin
Love you
Kitty
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