what is "gaslighting"?
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Short answer--actually trying to make you think that you are crazy.
There is a story behind why it is called this--I think it is from a famous play...and has to do with the old-fashioned gas lights of the past. Maybe someone will come along who can explain it better than me.......
dandylion
There is a story behind why it is called this--I think it is from a famous play...and has to do with the old-fashioned gas lights of the past. Maybe someone will come along who can explain it better than me.......
dandylion
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It is a term that was derived from a movie .."Gaslight". It involves one person manipulating someone else's reality. The victim can have their confidence eroded and begin to doubt their own perceptions.
It can be as simple as someone saying "I never said that", to managing your perceptions.."I didn't hit you that hard, why are you whining". Because the perpetrator is so forceful in their assertion of facts, the victim gradually gives their own power away. Isolating the victim increases the perps ability to undermine and harm their victim.
Watch the movie if you get a chance. Gaslighting is considered one of the most insidious forms of mental abuse. That is why forums like SR are so helpful, having someplace to share what really DID happen, or what was said, and be heard, helps the victim break the cycle.
It can be as simple as someone saying "I never said that", to managing your perceptions.."I didn't hit you that hard, why are you whining". Because the perpetrator is so forceful in their assertion of facts, the victim gradually gives their own power away. Isolating the victim increases the perps ability to undermine and harm their victim.
Watch the movie if you get a chance. Gaslighting is considered one of the most insidious forms of mental abuse. That is why forums like SR are so helpful, having someplace to share what really DID happen, or what was said, and be heard, helps the victim break the cycle.
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1944 film with Ingrid Berman, Charles Boyer and Angela Lansbury.
"In the movie, Paula (ingrid Berman, wife) keeps seeing the gas light dim whenever husband Gregory (Charles Boyer, husband) goes up into the attic. No one else ever sees the light dim, so Paula (and Gregory) attribute it to her seeing things. Thanks to this movie, Gaslighting has come into use as a term for a type of psychological abuse that causes the victim to doubt herself, her memories, perceptions, intuition, etc. These behaviors are done in secrecy, behind closed doors, so that friends and community end up validating the abuser not the victim's experience".
"In the movie, Paula (ingrid Berman, wife) keeps seeing the gas light dim whenever husband Gregory (Charles Boyer, husband) goes up into the attic. No one else ever sees the light dim, so Paula (and Gregory) attribute it to her seeing things. Thanks to this movie, Gaslighting has come into use as a term for a type of psychological abuse that causes the victim to doubt herself, her memories, perceptions, intuition, etc. These behaviors are done in secrecy, behind closed doors, so that friends and community end up validating the abuser not the victim's experience".
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Gaslighting is a term used for psychological abuse coined from the Gas Light movie: see Gaslighting - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This abuse causes the victim to doubt themself: memory, perceptions, intuition,
etc. These behaviors are done in secrecy, behind closed doors, so that friends & community end up validating the abuser not the victim's experience.
The movie is great...
Gaslight (1944) - IMDb
This abuse causes the victim to doubt themself: memory, perceptions, intuition,
etc. These behaviors are done in secrecy, behind closed doors, so that friends & community end up validating the abuser not the victim's experience.
The movie is great...
Gaslight (1944) - IMDb
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How to deal with Gaslighting
How to deal with Gaslighting
=============
Out of the FOG - Gaslighting
has good How To Deal With . . . list.
========
Borderlines Can Make You Feel Insane Via “Gaslighting” | angiEmedia
How to deal with Gaslighting
=============
Out of the FOG - Gaslighting
has good How To Deal With . . . list.
========
Borderlines Can Make You Feel Insane Via “Gaslighting” | angiEmedia
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Hammer 
How to deal with Gaslighting
How to deal with Gaslighting
=============
Out of the FOG - Gaslighting
has good How To Deal With . . . list.
Borderlines Can Make You Feel Insane Via “Gaslighting” | angiEmedia
How to deal with Gaslighting
=============
Out of the FOG - Gaslighting
has good How To Deal With . . . list.
Borderlines Can Make You Feel Insane Via “Gaslighting” | angiEmedia
What it Looks Like
A family member who steals something from you tries to convince you that it belongs to them.
A person acts threateningly and then accuses you of abuse when you react in self-defense.
A spouse tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate.
How it Feels
Gaslighting can be a terrifying experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging someone else’s questionable behavior.
A gaslighting perpetrator's fabrications may be presented so convincingly and with such conviction you begin to question yourself and your own memories and judgment. You may begin to fear that other people - who don’t know the truth - might be persuaded believe some of the distortions.
A family member who steals something from you tries to convince you that it belongs to them.
A person acts threateningly and then accuses you of abuse when you react in self-defense.
A spouse tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate.
How it Feels
Gaslighting can be a terrifying experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging someone else’s questionable behavior.
A gaslighting perpetrator's fabrications may be presented so convincingly and with such conviction you begin to question yourself and your own memories and judgment. You may begin to fear that other people - who don’t know the truth - might be persuaded believe some of the distortions.
The not-to-do and to-do lists are great.
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
It's when you ask a straight question but don't get a straight answer, in a nutshell. What addict doesn't gaslight? I doubt any.
After all, an A is just an A -- but when stuff starts hitting this level -- Gaslighting, as it were -- you are often dealing with a Mental Illness.
It may likely continue past the Addiction, even if the Addiction is stopped.
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I think we're always dealing with a mental illness, Hammer.
People who aren't mentally ill say to themselves--woah, this drinking/drugging is getting out of control, and they stop, clean up their act...or, can moderate and never get into this trouble in the first place.
There aren't any addicts without a mental illness, and the question which came first chicken or egg doesn't even matter and just gets us off the topic--that there is a mental illness, what is it, why is it, and how can it be helped.
People who aren't mentally ill say to themselves--woah, this drinking/drugging is getting out of control, and they stop, clean up their act...or, can moderate and never get into this trouble in the first place.
There aren't any addicts without a mental illness, and the question which came first chicken or egg doesn't even matter and just gets us off the topic--that there is a mental illness, what is it, why is it, and how can it be helped.
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Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
I think we're always dealing with a mental illness, Hammer.
People who aren't mentally ill say to themselves--woah, this drinking/drugging is getting out of control, and they stop, clean up their act...or, can moderate and never get into this trouble in the first place.
There aren't any addicts without a mental illness, and the question which came first chicken or egg doesn't even matter and just gets us off the topic--that there is a mental illness, what is it, why is it, and how can it be helped.
People who aren't mentally ill say to themselves--woah, this drinking/drugging is getting out of control, and they stop, clean up their act...or, can moderate and never get into this trouble in the first place.
There aren't any addicts without a mental illness, and the question which came first chicken or egg doesn't even matter and just gets us off the topic--that there is a mental illness, what is it, why is it, and how can it be helped.
His "coping" was a 1/5 of Vodka before noon, and a case (24) of beer in the afternoon/evening. Great guy, everybody loved him . . . more or less . . . and when after years and years, it came time to stop -- he stopped. I worked as his "driver" for some years.
But yeah, the full-blown A's with underlying Mental Illness. Whole different animal. AWtf -- not drinking, now, but Crazy. (BPD) Does this Gaslight stuff to whom she can. The kids and I just blow it off.
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thanks everyone. this behavior you all describe is what I called "evil" in my marriage to XAH.
I truly thought he was evil at one time. I would go around other RA'S during this time frame, and could readily sense that the majority of these folks weren't "as bad" as my AH.
when I would voice this to my fellow al-anonians and other RA's, I would experience an abundance of head shaking and proclamations that he wasn't all that unique.
I wasn't trying to say he was "special" as in sweety pie, honey bunch,.......I was trying to say he was really, really, really afflicted with something other than alcoholism.
I truly thought he was evil at one time. I would go around other RA'S during this time frame, and could readily sense that the majority of these folks weren't "as bad" as my AH.
when I would voice this to my fellow al-anonians and other RA's, I would experience an abundance of head shaking and proclamations that he wasn't all that unique.
I wasn't trying to say he was "special" as in sweety pie, honey bunch,.......I was trying to say he was really, really, really afflicted with something other than alcoholism.
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Originally Posted by Hammer
I guess I have known A's -- or what would fit the roles of A's who did what you have described -- stop, clean up their act, etc. Had an uncle -- UDT (Under Water Demolition Team) in WW2. South Pacific. Cleared beaches, etc, ahead of the Marines. Survived the whole war and made it to the Philippines ahead of MacArthur.
His "coping" was a 1/5 of Vodka before noon, and a case (24) of beer in the afternoon/evening. Great guy, everybody loved him . . . more or less . . . and when after years and years, it came time to stop -- he stopped. I worked as his "driver" for some years.
But yeah, the full-blown A's with underlying Mental Illness. Whole different animal. AWtf -- not drinking, now, but Crazy. (BPD) Does this Gaslight stuff to whom she can. The kids and I just blow it off.
His "coping" was a 1/5 of Vodka before noon, and a case (24) of beer in the afternoon/evening. Great guy, everybody loved him . . . more or less . . . and when after years and years, it came time to stop -- he stopped. I worked as his "driver" for some years.
But yeah, the full-blown A's with underlying Mental Illness. Whole different animal. AWtf -- not drinking, now, but Crazy. (BPD) Does this Gaslight stuff to whom she can. The kids and I just blow it off.
But your W...you know, we all know here too, alcohol is simply a symptom of her far deeper issues. Somewhere, a long long time ago, she rationalized that the truth didn't get her needs met, whether fair needs or narcissistic ones, and she's been following that philosophy ever since.
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
thanks everyone. this behavior you all describe is what I called "evil" in my marriage to XAH.
I truly thought he was evil at one time. I would go around other RA'S during this time frame, and could readily sense that the majority of these folks weren't "as bad" as my AH.
when I would voice this to my fellow al-anonians and other RA's, I would experience an abundance of head shaking and proclamations that he wasn't all that unique.
I wasn't trying to say he was "special" as in sweety pie, honey bunch,.......I was trying to say he was really, really, really afflicted with something other than alcoholism.
I truly thought he was evil at one time. I would go around other RA'S during this time frame, and could readily sense that the majority of these folks weren't "as bad" as my AH.
when I would voice this to my fellow al-anonians and other RA's, I would experience an abundance of head shaking and proclamations that he wasn't all that unique.
I wasn't trying to say he was "special" as in sweety pie, honey bunch,.......I was trying to say he was really, really, really afflicted with something other than alcoholism.
There's gaslighters that never take a sip and are protecting something else, but I think it's safe to say every drinker gas lights to protect addiction.
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Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. I had to begin writing down fact so I could separate truth from fiction. I am not sure if this is just natural to a manipulator or they actually train to perform this abuse. In my experience it goes hand in hand with alcoholism. I think that when they are in blackout they just fill in the gaps with what they want to believe. Maybe it is a way of minimizing the damage they are inflicting. Either way the facts don't match the story. Being on the receiving end you begin to question your own memory and sanity and over time you trust only the abuser. Gaslighting is real and can really mess you up over time if it is not recognized.
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Gaslighting isn't solely used by addicts. Some people are just abusive and use whatever method they can to control someone. Probably most of the time they are trying to protect something, but it's not always an addiction they are trying to hide.
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It reminds me of behaviors of my estranged sibling throughout my whole life just about.
Complain about something he's done and get this reply:
1. It was just a joke
2. I didn't say that
3. That didn't happen
4. YOU made that up (that's right - he accused me of lying in order to hide)
5. You just don't like my opinion
.
.
.
I see it as a massive effort to take control. The best place to do that is in the other person's mind. There's no marks, no bruises, and it's extremely subtle. The abuser wants to convince us that we're the ones that are wrong and the abuser is the one that is right...always.
I have to say, it's extremely confusing. In order to fight it, I have to fully understand myself and accept that someone else's thoughts could be completely different than my own.
Complain about something he's done and get this reply:
1. It was just a joke
2. I didn't say that
3. That didn't happen
4. YOU made that up (that's right - he accused me of lying in order to hide)
5. You just don't like my opinion
.
.
.
I see it as a massive effort to take control. The best place to do that is in the other person's mind. There's no marks, no bruises, and it's extremely subtle. The abuser wants to convince us that we're the ones that are wrong and the abuser is the one that is right...always.
I have to say, it's extremely confusing. In order to fight it, I have to fully understand myself and accept that someone else's thoughts could be completely different than my own.
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