Dunwith

I'm very new to this. The Al Anon way of detaching. My AW has been home from rehab 13 days and has relapsed twice. She is laying here next to me passed out. She told me she was going to drink tonight and opened a bottle of wine right in front of me and proceeded to finish it off. I didn't get angry I told her I felt confused because I really did not know what to do. I stayed out of her drinking, I figured at least she was not out driving like she did before. She never got angry or verbally abudive like she did when I used to try and control her. we talked some about our feelings and some goals. Nothing deep I tried to stay quiet and shallow considering she was drinking. I just don't know what my options are. Do I sit and keep watching this happen and do nothing except take care of me, or is there an Al Anon technique in seedling with the relapsed spouse. Any suggestions welcome

gabriel01

I think you are doing just fine for not getting angry or personal. You didn't cause it, you can't control it or you can't cure it.

Eddiebuckle

Dunwith,

Speaking from the alcoholics perspective, 2x in 2 weeks is obviously not a good situation - drinking typically leads back (and beyond) where we left off very quickly. The fact that she announced her intentions would be described in an AA meeting that "she's not done yet" - meaning until she is convinced she must stop drinking forever - there is nothing you or anybody can do to help.

Is she doing anything in terms of working a program? IOP, Therapist, AA or some other program? Is her rehab facility still in the picture in any way, and if so are they aware? The reality is most alcoholics are incapable of staying sober in the early days without daily effort and outside help.

Woodman123

this is true... but, you sure as heck have to decide whether you can live with it. Your wife's brazen display of drinking in front of you is worrisome, and a clear sign she's not done with this. Take care of yourself and your children- that's all you CAN control.

BlueSkies1

Ok--you drank until you passed out--back to rehab you go for a longer stay!

Now that probably won't work. But if nothing else, you will have sewn the seed that she failed, and that she might consider going back on her own volition.
Then you have no other choice but to detach while she is under the influence and put the emphasis on figuring yourself out and what you want out of life.

BTW...I wouldn't bother discussing goals while she is intoxicated. They don't think straight under the influence and they don't remember the discussion anyway. I don't believe while intoxicated that people can make realistic good future plans; I simply don't think people are capable of it under those circumstances.

hopeful4

I think she most likely brazenly opened it in front of you with a silent meaning of "This is what you can expect, I dare you to say anything about it." That is just my guess.

Alcoholism is progressive. She is passed out beside you, it will get worse. Alanon does not have any tricks up the sleeve. It is simply there as support for YOU. To put the focus back to YOU instead of the alcoholic. It is so easy to lose yourself in the alcoholic that your needs, wants, and feelings become nothing.

Keep going to Alanon. Keep finding who is in there and what steps you can take in life that lead you to a happier place.

Good Luck and God Bless!

BlueSkies1

Actually though hopeful4, I think the situation would be even worse if she drank in secrecy. Then there would be another issue to combat--added dishonesty.
So at least she's being honest about it.