How to help my daughter

Old 04-23-2014, 10:11 PM
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How to help my daughter

Hello, My name is Mary and I am a mother of three beautiful girls. They are 17, 14, and 12. I believe my oldest daughter is an alcoholic and my family is searching for ways to help her.

The first time we caught our oldest drinking was a year and a half ago. We went out of town for a basketball tournament our two younger daughters were playing in and let her have the house to herself. We came home at noon on the Sunday that ended the weekend to find her friends passed out around our house, Empty alcohol containers everywhere, and our daughter sleeping in the bathtub covered in vomit. We grounded her and thought it was a one time event. She was severely punished and we believed it was an isolated. She broke our trust and had to come with us on the out of towns after that. But she was just a kid who messed up.

However lately things had been weird. She would stay the night the night at friends houses more often and come home not feeling well. We had our suspicions but we were not going to jump to conclusions.

But then for about the last two months multiple nights a week, after dinner our oldest would go to her room for the night and not be seen again after dinner. Sometimes even after school. That's not uncommon for a teenage girl but her whole general demeanor changed when she left her room. She was irritable all the time or just plain out of it. If we went out to eat as a family she would refuse to leave the house. We didn't get it.

Tonight I got it, earlier this evening our 14 year came to us in the living room crying. She said our oldest yelled at her screamed at her and knocked her over and was acting really weird. So we went upstairs to talk to her about what happened. First, she refused to let us. But doing what parents do we got in. She was drinking from a Mountain Dew bottle but it had a blue tint and she had a bottle of UV blue out on her desk. Half drank.

We asked her if she was drunk and she didn't say anything. We told her to come over and talk to us and she fell down getting out of bed and then starting screaming at us. After she quit screaming she started crying and we took her downstairs to sleep on the couch with a glass of water. I told her we would have a conversation in the morning. We went through her stuff to find 9 large empty bottles of UV, some other vodkas, as well as an opened pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. She had obviously been drinking quite a bit when she locked herself in her room and now her strange behavior seems more obvious if she was drunk.

We went through her phone also to find pictures of her at parties drinking with her friends. Some pictures obviously more drunk than others. I saw my daughter that way once, and twice tonight and I never wanted to again but it was all right there in front of me. She also pictures of herself in her room drinking. Her doing not so flatter things after drinking too much. She had also been texting a boy a lot, we didn't recognize his name but he had been buying drinks and they'd obviously started some kind of relationship over drinking. She had some pictures with him too.

Tomorrow our daughter isn't going to go to school. She has obviously done it hungover before but tomorrow will not be one of those days. She is going to have a talk with us, but honestly I don't know what to say. I will probably stay up all night thinking about. Our little girl was drinking under our roof, with out us knowing. I just don't know what to say or how to help or what to tell my other two daughters. Please, I just need help thinking of the words.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:33 PM
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I'm so sorry. I have two daughters who are only babies still but I just cannot imagine what you're going through. I have no advice or words of wisdom. I'm sending you strength and lots of luck that your daughter hears your words tomorrow and starts changing her act around. Hugs to you.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:43 PM
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When this much has been going on, I'd highly suggest an inpatient rehab program. At 17 you're able to get help for her. It's a great place to be to learn about the disease and to start learning the tools needed for recovery. Look for a rehab that has a good family program. This is nothing to be ashamed of. There are a lot of good people who have this disease. It truly is a physical disease of the brain and requires active recovery with help from those who understand it. The addiction often will fool people into thinking they can quit on their own, and some do for a while but not for good. It is a chronic progressive disease that requires serious help.

Thank you for being here for her. She has to do this for herself, but getting her into treatment is the first step of her gaining some skills to deal with it. After rehab is often harder and needs to have continued counseling.

For you and your family, there's Alanon and Alateen.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

Individual and family counseling with addiction professionals could be very beneficial to all of you. If she lies to you, try not to take it personally. As my husband's rehab counselor said, and RAH agreed with him, "If an alcoholic is talking, he's lying." That is part of the disease. Thankfully, recovery programs stress personal accountability and honesty. Recovery is much more than getting sober. It's learning how to stay sober and live a better life.
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Old 04-23-2014, 10:44 PM
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that is a hard spot, i have a young daughter also. i was an alcoholic for a while. so i know some of the signs of drinking and i watch her closely. so far she has no interest in drinking.
well one good thing is you know for a fact she is drinking behind your back. the question you might have to prepare your self to ask, what else does she do? common for kids to take prescription medication at there parties. you name it, if they think they can get a high, they might try it.
i dont know what to recommend for offending you. but maybe try a family intervention with kids and all. i think your younger ones are old enough and seen enough to understand what is going on. try taking her to a AA meeting near you with you and your husband. you can also think about trying a family therapist to help open doors of communication that you cannot open with her.
i hope this helps you a bit. but i hope things go positive for you.
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Old 04-24-2014, 12:38 PM
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How are you doing today? I hope it's not too late to say, welcome to SR.
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I hope you stick around. Take whatever helps and leave the rest.
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Old 04-24-2014, 12:49 PM
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Hello and welcome. As a mom of two daughters, my heart just breaks for you. I am so so sorry you are going through all of this.

I would do a couple of things. One is immediately report the boy for purchasing her alcohol. I second inpatient treatment if possible. I would also go and have her drug tested for everything. That way you truly know what you are dealing with. From the sound of her angry, aggressive behavior could be possible she has been mixing benzos or some other drug with the alcohol. She also just may get that way when she drinks.

I firmly believe kids that age drink due to peer pressure and the people they associate with, at least that's how I was. I drank a lot at that age. It never progressed into alcoholism but looking back it was very clearly binge drinking.

Tight hugs to you. I hope you can reach her and that she will tell you the truth. I have said and heard on here several times, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

God Bless.
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Old 04-24-2014, 01:13 PM
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Hi and welcome. If I had the money available, I'd get her into a long-term inpatient program. That might be unpopular among our peers here, but I think getting the family into regular counseling (you too, Mom) and having early interventions for minor children who use addictively is important.
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Old 04-24-2014, 01:33 PM
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She's 17. I would do what Florence and ktf suggested and find her an inpatient program. If your local hospital has a mental health helpline, you could call them and tell them what you're dealing with and ask their advice. I don't know what the drill is for inpatient rehab for alcohol abuse; I know that for many mental health programs, they won't take a kid who is not agreeing to being hospitalized.

I know it is terrifying to admit to yourself that your child has a problem you can't solve for them, and that you're dealing with something that's way above your pay grade as a parent. And that you missed it. I've seen it in my house. I've seen it in my friends' houses. There are a lot of hurting teen girls today, in a way that didn't happen 30 years ago when I was in high school.

I had to admit my 13-year-old to a mental hospital a little over a year ago. That was a different situation -- she was self-injuring and suicidal -- but some of it, i think, is similar for a mother. The most important thing for you to remember is that you didn't cause this, and it's not because you're an awful parent that she's drinking. There may be underlying mental health issues, there may be normal teen angst, she may just be one of those people who for whatever reason starts drinking and develops an addiction.

None of it is your fault.

But you may be in a situation where, just like I had to, you have to make the choice to remove her from the home to a context where she can get serious help -- not just for her sake, but also to protect her little sisters. That was the last drop for me, when I realized her little sister wasn't safe around her.

Oh -- and when you talk to her, I wouldn't blame or punish. I would tell her that you are extremely concerned about her and that you want to get her help. But I think I would get some professional advice on how to approach it -- if nothing else, an emergency appointment with a mental health professional...
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