meggygoround30

He texted me this morning asking how I was and what I did yesterday (I live in Boston and it was Marathon Monday yesterday). The last time I heard from him was a few days ago after sending him an email saying I don't want contact anymore. He responded with a **** You, I never want to speak to you again either.

It took everything in me not to respond. I want to know how he is. I want to hear his laugh and ramble about his day. I want his hugs, I miss our long walks and the "normal" good moments. I'm so ******* lonely. I have social anxiety and since I've moved it's been so hard. I know I was in a very dangerous situation but I can't stop my heart from loving him. I know he hurt me. But I'm laying in bed with tears streaming down my face because all I can think about is him. Every second. Seriously Even when I'm at work helping a customer I'm thinking about him. Sometimes a good thought, sometimes not. I'm trying sooo hard to be strong and remind myself why I left. This no contact is killing me. I don't know if I seriously miss him or if I am just lonely which is why I stayed in the relationship for so long. That and I wanted to take his pain away but I couldn't. I hate these conflicting emotions! One day I'm empowered, another day I'm sad, another day I'm angry. I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. Sometimes the greatest idea ever feels like hiding in bed all day. I really need to see a therapist but my old one I only saw once a month and she left so now I have to wait two months for another one and will have to explain everything again. I am seeing a DV counselor next week but don't know what to expect. Sorry for writing so much here lately. It's the only place I can vent. My family and the couple friends I have don't know how bad things got and I can't bring myself to tell them. Trying to chill out. In a couple weeks I think I'm going to get a gym membership because I h way too much anxiety and feel like being physically active is the only way to get that out.

FeelingGreat

Hi Merry, I know you're doing it hard. This is a whole new part of your life, and probably nothing will ever be this difficult again, if you can get through it.
Your XBF is behaving like a typical abuser. Look at his aggressive disrespectful response to your non-contact text '**** you'. That says everything about him.
Now he's trying to reel you back in by giving you a little kindness, something to hang onto. He's expecting you to be so grateful that you'll respond and then he's got you back on the hook.
You're being amazingly strong, especially as it's not easy at the moment, but I promise you it will get easier in time, and you'll come out of this so much stronger. If you need immediate support, why not call the DV helpline and tell them you're struggling with wanting to contact him again?
I hope the therapy goes well. Hang in there, you're doing fine, even thought it doesn't seem like it.
How about blocking his number?

meggygoround30

Thank you for responding. I might block his # but it's not him I'm worried about it's more ME and my need to not feel like he hates me. it would be so much easier if it were a mutual agreement. I hate knowing he is mad at me for leaving him and I know that's crazy. It shouldn't matter what he thinks of me. I really need to find positive people to surround myself with. I joined meetup.com hoping it will helpt

ladyscribbler

Have you tried Alanon? I'm not naturally social, but going to meetings has helped me form healthy, positive relationships in my new life. I moved about eight months ago and it's really been helping me not to be so isolated with my sadness.
His emotions are not based in reality, they are a product of his disease and you should not take them to heart. If he's anything like my ex, he probably doesn't remember half of the crap he says and does. We are the ones who attach so much meaning to it and live and die by their slightest utterance.

Fathom

Hugs, Meggy. It is difficult. I still wonder sometimes how my XAH is doing (it's been >2 years since I've had direct contact with him). I hope he is well, but I have nightmares that he is not. Then, I get angry because the last bit of intel I had told me he really hasn't changed at all. When I allow myself to go there, my emotions begin to spin into a tremendous storm, and I need to remember that his thoughts, behaviors, well being are all irrelevant to what I'm choosing to do with my life right now. The only part of him that is still relevant to me are my memories of him, and my reactions to those memories. Obviously, I still have some work to do on those reactions... But, I am no longer tempted to contact him, not even to let him know that I don't want to be contacted. I think I got that message to him clearly by not responding to or initiating ANY direct contact at all with him. I was less clear with that message when I thought there was a chance we would go to marriage counseling at some point, but it soon became clear that neither of us really had the stomach for the work needed to patch up the shreds of our relationship.

One of the things I read early on about fighting addictions was that many people get stuck in thinking about the thing they are giving up in their life. That puts the focus (obsession) on the giant "sacrifice" that they are making by giving up their precious but terrible addiction. Instead, think about all of the things you can GAIN because this barrier is no longer blocking your path or dragging you into the muck of chaos and drama. You may think of your XABF as your addiction that you are obsessing over.

Here are some things you can do when your mind wanders in his direction:
- give yourself a time limit (something short, like 5 minutes)
- practice some deep breathing (honestly, oxygen is really helpful!)
- write a gratitude list
- go for a walk or your favorite kind of exercise
- pursue a new challenging hobby
- connect with old friends (this was a hard one for me to do, but I felt great once I did.)
- share your story with trusted loved ones (SR, AlAnon, and your friends / family). Gather your support network around you. It's important to feel like you are not alone. (bTW... You are not alone)

Wishing you peace,
Fathom

Hopeworks

Hi Meggy,

I second Alanon...they will so totally understand everything you are feeling. Just being in the company of those who totally understand where you are and what you are going through will be so helpful.

Feelings are not facts...however...they are powerful because they can be overwhelming. It really, really helped me to understand that my brain was the source of the chemicals creating all of the crazy feeliings for someone so toxic for me. Understanding that my body was working against my intellect and self preservation made it easier to change my thoughts every 2 seconds if necessary. Do not allow your brain to dwell on him...change your thoughts over and over and over.

Eventually you will win...the thoughts come less often and it easier to dispel them and the anxiety they produce. You will start feeling better and more "normal" ... it all takes time.

Don't give in... retrain your brain!

Good luck.

FeelingGreat

Hi, I know just what you mean. Even though he's an insecure **** you've been hanging onto his every mood for so long you can't stand to think he's mad with you. This will pass with time, but in the meanwhile you'll feel better if you cut off contact by blocking him.
The thing is, every time he texts you it will upset your balance and hard won serenity. He's not going to respect NC, and might even make a challenge of reeling you in again.

meggygoround30

Thank you for saying this. It's hard not to take everything personally. I'm going to try Alanon again. The first and last time I went there were only two people but I'm in a different city now.

redatlanta

Think of things this way. When we love and care about someone we want the best for them - we don't want them to be in turmoil and upset. You asked NC. If the other person really cares about you then they will observe and respect your wishes.

People do have the ability to know when they are upsetting someone. Your XABF does as well. What's the motive here for him? Why is he continuing to upset you? Why doesn't he respect your boundaries? IMO this is just further abuse. This isn't about love or friendship just keep that in mind.

biminiblue

Two people at an AlAnon meeting are better than you sitting there stewing in your own thoughts.

I would tell my family, too. You're not going back to him. You were the abused one and deserve all the support you can get. Do you think your family will not support you? I haven't followed your story, so don't know the reason behind you not wanting your family to know the full story. Most families would rally around you. But I understand that some would not.

dandylion

meggygoround---you are grieving--which is very normal for what you are going through. Grieving is very painful. There is no way around it--only through it!

It takes time--but, in time it does become less painful--until it finally fades away.

I am glad that you have this forum to share your pain and thoughts with.

dandylion

embraced2000

I experienced the same feelings about my XAH as you have described.

it was just pure torture for me when I would try no contact. the voices in my head and the hurt in my heart just kept guiding me back to him....with a fistful of excuses about why I should be back in the mess again, and a heart just swollen with hope. the end result was the same.

al-anon and this forum helped to save me from myself.

I didn't believe all the advice I was getting from people. thought my husband wasn't like all those other drunks.

thought my husband was sooooooo different and special. wrong.

thought my heart would just break right into. wrong. the hurt changes into courage.

meggygoround30

Thanks, I needed to hear that.

Live

The free DV counseling I had was some of the best help ever.

meggygoround30

My family would definitely support me. I just don't even know how I would go about admitting I was physically abused more than the "he just hit me twice" because I couldn't bring myself to tell them. I think they would be more sad that I didn't come to them. Maybe when I start going back to therapy or Alanon I will have the courage to tell them. I've always been the type of person to keep things to myself to not be a burden on others.

redatlanta

There is a shame that comes with DV - its unfortunate. I think sometimes people don't tell because they want to protect the perpetrator. They don't want him/her thought of badly(he was drunk, he isn't like that normally!). They know if they tell the family (a normal one anyway) would never accept that person again. They hope that maybe somewhere down the road it will stop and they can go on to a happy life.

I don't know if this is your situation just putting it out there. I hope that one day you will confide in your family who will love and protect you.

meggygoround30

THANK YOU for all of this! The part about it being irrelevant to what I'm doing now is so true.
And the point of reactions to the memories. That's a big one.

hopeful4

What you are going through is grief. It is very normal to feel this, just as though someone has died. You are grieving for what was and what could have been. Keep it in perspective as much as possible. Know that if you stay no contact eventually you will move through those stages of grief and move forward. If not, you will start the process all over.

I really hope you do gather up support all around you, you deserve it!

XXX

izzyrose05

Meggy,

I am in the same place. I miss him at the same time I hate him. It is a confusing whirlwind of thoughts that are near constant. I am almost always around people and sometimes I can feel completely alone even though I am surrounded.

I have figured out that some of my obsessive thoughts are about the good times, some are about the bad times, some are about the man I wanted him to be, and then some are just missing the companionship and intimacy that comes with being in a relationship. Especially when I am around other couples. I think..how the hell did they figure out how to do it right.

But here's the silver lining. It's been almost 13 weeks of no contact for me and in the first few weeks, the obsessive thoughts were constant and I could barely function at all. I cried in the bathroom at work and in the laundry room at home, when I fell asleep, when I woke up. Now, I still cry, but I cry less. I am angry, but I am angry less. And there are actual moments in my day ..maybe only 5 or 10 minutes once or twice in my day that I am truly NOT thinking about him and enjoying some laughter.

That shows progress and gives me hope that with even more time, I will continue on this path back to myself and happiness. It's just going to be a slow road but there is progress for you too, I am sure. Hold on to that as your light at the end of this tunnel.

I am comforted to know I am not alone. Thank you so much for posting. Sending lots of positive energy your way. You are not alone! I am with you on this journey too!!

atalose

Not a very respectful reply was it?

Again not very respectful of YOUR wishes is he?

Love and life should be far more than just moments.

At some point it stops being about THEIR addictions, THEIR issues and has to become about our own.

I know you are seeing a DV counselor soon and that is great but it saddens me to hear you minimize his abuse by saying “he just hit me twice” as if that makes it alright or somehow it was your fault. Working with this counselor will help you see that.

You have to remember that alcohol is a trigger for alcoholics, drugs are a trigger for addicts and relationships are triggers for codependents.

Maybe see a counselor in your city to address your codependency before you find yourself in yet another codie relationship with someone you met on meetup.com

Block his # or at the very least change his name in your phone to: Hurt Pain so next time he texts you or tries to call you it will be a constant reminder of what this person brought into your life.

Allowing yourself to feel these unpleasant feelings is how you are going to come out on the other side healthier. It stinks and it hurts but let those tears flow and know it's ok and it's going to be ok.

As long as WE believe OUR happiness only comes from someone else - will we continue getting ourselves into relationships with people who can't possible give us what we seek.

Be carefull of meetup.com and trying to avoid your feeling by filling them up with someeone else too soon.