Lashing out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Lashing out?
So I'm not too educated on the text book effects of their disease on significant others. But I know that I get angry. I get mad, especially after we've had a realtively okay day (Saw family yesterday for Easter, it went okay. ABF didn't start drinking until we were on our way home.)
When we got home the house was a mess from rushing to get ready this morning. My DD and I went over to our neighbors for a few minutes to visit, I had 1 mimosa with my neighbor and walked back to my house.
I came inside, there were 4 empty beer bottles on the table, he had fried chicken and made a mess, and was just sitting there on the sofa. Yesterday was also my birthday. He had given me a card and a few gifts that morning, but after that he didn't put an effort in.
So I just snapped yesterday evening. I started "nagging" about the house. I'm tired of the mess, the bad smells from him fogging all the furniture, and the lack of help. He blamed it on my having a mimosa at the neighbors. (seriously 1. this is why I don't drink, when I have 1 beer or 1 glass of wine every now and then everything is my fault. but when he drinks more than a 6 pack everynight...)
Does anyone else just snap like that? Its like I hold it in, push the feelings down, try to detach. And then they just gurgle up at the worst times. Is that part of the codependency? I am trying to be a better person, I try to not get angry because getting angry doesn't help anyone. But it happens. How do you deal with that?
When we got home the house was a mess from rushing to get ready this morning. My DD and I went over to our neighbors for a few minutes to visit, I had 1 mimosa with my neighbor and walked back to my house.
I came inside, there were 4 empty beer bottles on the table, he had fried chicken and made a mess, and was just sitting there on the sofa. Yesterday was also my birthday. He had given me a card and a few gifts that morning, but after that he didn't put an effort in.
So I just snapped yesterday evening. I started "nagging" about the house. I'm tired of the mess, the bad smells from him fogging all the furniture, and the lack of help. He blamed it on my having a mimosa at the neighbors. (seriously 1. this is why I don't drink, when I have 1 beer or 1 glass of wine every now and then everything is my fault. but when he drinks more than a 6 pack everynight...)
Does anyone else just snap like that? Its like I hold it in, push the feelings down, try to detach. And then they just gurgle up at the worst times. Is that part of the codependency? I am trying to be a better person, I try to not get angry because getting angry doesn't help anyone. But it happens. How do you deal with that?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Blossom,
Personally, I think anger might be an appropriate feeling, considering the circumstances. Your response to that feeling is what you might need to think about. I have learned to disengage when it is apparent that your comments do not matter, but "nagging" does not sound like someone who has "snapped". Perhaps your SO needs to hear what is on your mind at least once. After that, I would detach.
Personally, I think anger might be an appropriate feeling, considering the circumstances. Your response to that feeling is what you might need to think about. I have learned to disengage when it is apparent that your comments do not matter, but "nagging" does not sound like someone who has "snapped". Perhaps your SO needs to hear what is on your mind at least once. After that, I would detach.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 16
Ohmygosh, I could have written this post myself this weekend, since I also feel like I "snapped". It was a rough weekend!
And I, too, often find myself falling into the trap of saying I am "trying to be a better person", as though somehow I'm not good enough now - but the reality is, I bet you're already a really, really good person. That doesn't mean we don't all have our flaws - I certainly do - and we all have stuff to work on - but it sounds like you are just having a very human response to a bad situation. I wouldn't be quite so hard on yourself, and you definitely shouldn't be pushing the feelings down!
And I, too, often find myself falling into the trap of saying I am "trying to be a better person", as though somehow I'm not good enough now - but the reality is, I bet you're already a really, really good person. That doesn't mean we don't all have our flaws - I certainly do - and we all have stuff to work on - but it sounds like you are just having a very human response to a bad situation. I wouldn't be quite so hard on yourself, and you definitely shouldn't be pushing the feelings down!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The problem isn't your anger. You're allowed to feel angry and to express it. It gets exhausting being the only adult in the house. And alcoholics do tend to create bad smells.
The problem is expectations. You expect him to behave like a mature, responsible adult. He is not capable of that. I used to do the same thing, and I was always disappointed. But that wasn't really his fault, he was just doing what alcoholics do- being childish, making messes and always shifting the blame for his behavior onto others. I was the one with unrealistic expectations.
If he is capable of recognizing and marking your birthday with gifts and a card, then it sounds like he is still sort of functioning. So maybe things aren't bad enough for you to want to make a change. Enjoy that while it lasts.
Have you tried Alanon? That can be a good place to start making the change for yourself. Because you are never going to change him.
The problem is expectations. You expect him to behave like a mature, responsible adult. He is not capable of that. I used to do the same thing, and I was always disappointed. But that wasn't really his fault, he was just doing what alcoholics do- being childish, making messes and always shifting the blame for his behavior onto others. I was the one with unrealistic expectations.
If he is capable of recognizing and marking your birthday with gifts and a card, then it sounds like he is still sort of functioning. So maybe things aren't bad enough for you to want to make a change. Enjoy that while it lasts.
Have you tried Alanon? That can be a good place to start making the change for yourself. Because you are never going to change him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Blossom---detaching is (to me) a short term tactic to protect you from getting into ridiculous, dead-end arguments with your partner--to keep you from needless, non-productive stress.
Detaching does not, however deal with the real underlying problem.
"nagging" doesn't solve m any problems, either...LOL!
Continuously stuffing down your feelings doesn't work either---it makes you feel crazy and drives your stress levels through the roof..and makes you sick.
Actually, talking to drunk person at any level is a waste of breath and your energy.
detachment can help in certain specific situations (as a short-term stop gap). It buys you time and can reduce stupid arguments---while you are able to devote attention to yourself --and sort yourself out. Just like you can't build a house with just a screwdriver--you can't "fix" a relationship with just detachment.
Living with a drunk is a special form of Hel*.
Hon--keep reading and l earning (did you read the "stickies" listed at the top of this main page?).
Knowledge will be your power. That includes knowledge of yourself, also--as well as this dreadful disease--But--my dear--you indicated that you realize this--just by the questions you are asking.....
awareness...acceptance.....action.....
Good show.
dandylion
Detaching does not, however deal with the real underlying problem.
"nagging" doesn't solve m any problems, either...LOL!
Continuously stuffing down your feelings doesn't work either---it makes you feel crazy and drives your stress levels through the roof..and makes you sick.
Actually, talking to drunk person at any level is a waste of breath and your energy.
detachment can help in certain specific situations (as a short-term stop gap). It buys you time and can reduce stupid arguments---while you are able to devote attention to yourself --and sort yourself out. Just like you can't build a house with just a screwdriver--you can't "fix" a relationship with just detachment.
Living with a drunk is a special form of Hel*.
Hon--keep reading and l earning (did you read the "stickies" listed at the top of this main page?).
Knowledge will be your power. That includes knowledge of yourself, also--as well as this dreadful disease--But--my dear--you indicated that you realize this--just by the questions you are asking.....
awareness...acceptance.....action.....
Good show.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Pushing feelings down, stuffing them, is a part of codependency. It is not the same as detachment. It is really hard to detach when living with an active alcoholic. For me it was impossible, though there are some who can do it. Stuffing your emotions just means you're swallowing poison. It will either spill over when you don't want it to or it will fester inside and hurt you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O my yes! Before I made XAH leave, one of the major things I could see when I looked at myself was the anger. I was so mad, all the time. Living in that sort of chaos just produces anger and all sorts of negative behaviors. I could also see how it was increasing the anxiety in my little DD (8) and I could see the anger of my older DD (14). It is toxic.
Now that he is gone, I feel so much more at peace. It is like a light went off. My kids say that they can see I am so much better. My negativity was a reaction, but it was a bad reaction with consequences. That is not who I want to be. I bet you don't either.
I encourage you if you don't already to get therapy and support to be able to do whatever you need to do for a peaceful and happy life.
XXX
Now that he is gone, I feel so much more at peace. It is like a light went off. My kids say that they can see I am so much better. My negativity was a reaction, but it was a bad reaction with consequences. That is not who I want to be. I bet you don't either.
I encourage you if you don't already to get therapy and support to be able to do whatever you need to do for a peaceful and happy life.
XXX
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Being negative is definitely not who I want to be. I've been going to church (against other's wishes), I have been to one alanon but I don't think it was the right alanon for me, I think I need to find a beginners group.
I try to not expect too much from him, or anything for that matter, because it does lead into disappointment. I try to focus on myself and my daughter, but its hard when he's right there. He is still functioning somewhat, he still goes to work every day. He doesn't handle his bills or anything like that though. He relies on his parents for that (we don't combine finances). He isn't physically abusive, just verbally.
I don't know how to handle this sometimes. Taking it day by day helps. I have a hard time because of the family aspect, trying to give my daughter what I didn't have, but it turns out I'm giving her exactly what I had growing up. I know I need to change that. I've said in previous posts, I'm terrified he will somehow get custody. (his parents are somewhat important members of the community and wealthy). I just have to keep documenting until I feel like I'm prepared enough to leave I guess.
Thank you for your replies! this site has been amazingly helpful. I'm still reading through it daily, I haven't read all the stickies yet, but I've started.
I try to not expect too much from him, or anything for that matter, because it does lead into disappointment. I try to focus on myself and my daughter, but its hard when he's right there. He is still functioning somewhat, he still goes to work every day. He doesn't handle his bills or anything like that though. He relies on his parents for that (we don't combine finances). He isn't physically abusive, just verbally.
I don't know how to handle this sometimes. Taking it day by day helps. I have a hard time because of the family aspect, trying to give my daughter what I didn't have, but it turns out I'm giving her exactly what I had growing up. I know I need to change that. I've said in previous posts, I'm terrified he will somehow get custody. (his parents are somewhat important members of the community and wealthy). I just have to keep documenting until I feel like I'm prepared enough to leave I guess.
Thank you for your replies! this site has been amazingly helpful. I'm still reading through it daily, I haven't read all the stickies yet, but I've started.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Blossom---don't be intimdated just because his parents are wealthy. Although, I do understand how you might feel.
My suggestion to you is to do a consultation with several attorneys--just to get information and become more knowledgable about your rights in this area. You can usually get a free first consultation. Specifically talk to lawyers who SPECIALIZE in family law!!!
Just knowing your rights can reduce your anxiety to a certain extent. Read--research--find out everything that you can about your rights. Lucklily, you are not married to him!!
Just because his parents are wealthy--doesn't give him more of a right to custody!!!
Men often threaten to "take custody" because they know that it frightens mothers and it is a way that they can control us--with that threat. A great many wouldn't want custody and the responsibility if it was given to them!! Especially, addicts. Most of them don't have a clue of how demanding it is to care for a young child 24/7!!
Don't just buy his scare tactics. Educate yourself and stand up for your rights.
Knowledge is power.
dandylion
My suggestion to you is to do a consultation with several attorneys--just to get information and become more knowledgable about your rights in this area. You can usually get a free first consultation. Specifically talk to lawyers who SPECIALIZE in family law!!!
Just knowing your rights can reduce your anxiety to a certain extent. Read--research--find out everything that you can about your rights. Lucklily, you are not married to him!!
Just because his parents are wealthy--doesn't give him more of a right to custody!!!
Men often threaten to "take custody" because they know that it frightens mothers and it is a way that they can control us--with that threat. A great many wouldn't want custody and the responsibility if it was given to them!! Especially, addicts. Most of them don't have a clue of how demanding it is to care for a young child 24/7!!
Don't just buy his scare tactics. Educate yourself and stand up for your rights.
Knowledge is power.
dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
