Letting go of the need to "fix" him

Old 04-20-2014, 08:08 PM
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Letting go of the need to "fix" him

Hey guys! Haven't posted in awhile, but feeling disappointed and fighting the urge to respond. I haven't talked to my ASTBXH in over a month and a half. We do communicate over text, mostly bills and house stuff, but the marriage, alcohol, abuse, lying conversations have been exchanged. Anyway, he sounded like he's been doing okay, but today I can tell (and he's pretty much confirmed) that he's completely wasted. He's been saying he's "only drinking a few beers sometimes and has gotten his drinking under control"... yeah right.

I don't even know how I feel, maybe disappointed, vindicated, sad for him. I'm not going back and proceeding forward as planned with the move and D, but I still hope he can change for himself and because I do love him. I don't have any more tears left, but the ache in my heart is still there and I'm finding it so hard to not respond or pick up to try and "manage" this episode. There's nothing I can say or do that will have any impact, it just hurts so much seeing him drown and no longer wanting to reach out and grab him.

I'm still so angry at him for what he's done, how he's hurt me, the damage he's caused that I struggle to repair every day, the embarrassment he's put me through. I'm so conflicted within myself because I saw something different for so many years and I can't understand why I allowed this for so long.

I'm just venting. Trying to find solace at a time when I used to feel terror and uncertainty. I'm not responding, I'm trying to put him out if my head for now, so I recognize and release this sick need I've had for far too long. Ugh! But why does it have to hurt so much
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:11 PM
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I understand and I'm sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom, as I'm newly free from the madness myself. We haven't spoken in a few days since I emailed him saying I don't want to talk to him again, at least not until I get help mentally. But today I struggled with wanting to reach out. I totally understand the conflicted feelings. My therapist told me I need to allow myself to feel my feelings so I can get to the othersside. Know that you did the best you could and there really is no easy way through this. I hope the pain goes away as the days go on. What I've found helpful is to make lists. Lists of things that make me happy, places I want to travel to, reasons why I'm moving on. I use markers and stickers from the dollar store. May sound silly but it helps me. Wishing you peace xoxo
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Old 04-20-2014, 09:43 PM
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My AH slapped my face till my nose bled back when I was pregnant and I STILL sometimes want to hug him and beg him to stop. This whole alcoholism thing just sucks. Little things can help, you know? Little basic things. Good coffee, long baths, exercise, prayer, Gloria from Modern Family. She just inspires me. Vent here and vent out loud, to yourself even. Talking to yourself is so underrated. So you can't fix him. He's too broken but you're not. He will someday be at peace. You can be at peace now, even if just a little bit at a time. Sorry we're going through this.
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Old 04-20-2014, 11:40 PM
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Sometimes when I see people post stuff like this, someone will mention the insanity of expecting those who hurt us to be the ones to heal us. I know I've certainly expected the A in my life to be the one to "make it better", and yeah, I guess that is nuts...

I think meggy said it all--there is no easy way thru this. We just have to keep on trudging ahead, believing that somewhere, at some point we can't see yet, things will be better. I know that's true for me--compared to where I was a year ago, I've learned and grown a lot, and am only beginning to sense what might really be possible if I can let go of the fear.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:33 AM
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SIRI---there is a thread posted by LoveMeNow on the subject of trauma bonding which might be of interest to you, right now. You can find it by going to the "search" button at the top of the page on the blue bar.

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