Holiday So Far
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Holiday So Far
Well, I am day 3 of 7 of the holiday so far.
He is drinking but so far, he hasn't been drunk or abandoned me to get drunk with his friends as he has done on previous holidays.
However - he is drinking around 7 beers a day, including one at half 5 I the morning. I have confronted him about this and he brushes it off saying that he isn't getting drunk or simply calls me by my nicknames. I am not being taken seriously. But should I bother that much because he isn't getting drunk. I just wish that we could do something without him having a beer.
Also, he has already lied to me twice about beer. We ordered a takeaway on the Thursday night and I asked him if he had ordered any beer, and he said no, sure enough, when the food arrived, so did two bottles of beer.
Yesterday, I met with him and sat bottles of beer lying around the land (his brother and his friend was there) so I asked if he had been drinking. He said no. Later that day, he did admit that he had had a beer earlier that day. I know it's only one or two beers but he has still lied.
That being said, today we went to a neighbouring town and had a great day. We had a fantastic meal, walked round to look at sights and he was affectionate and polite. He paid for nearly all of it, and we ate so much rubbish. He had five beers throughout the time we were away but he was in control and did not appear drunk (partly due to the hot weather and the amount of walking we did). On the way home, we cuddled on the train and fell asleep for a while. It was lovely. But when we got off the train, I wanted some cookies so we went to the shop and he bought more beer.
Today was a confusing day - he showed me what he's like when he wants to be romantic and affectionate but there still has to be beer. I felt really guilty all day because of my recent thoughts of leaving when we were having such a great day together. However, we briefly talked about what would happen if we split up because he was talking about moving home permantely and I said that I couldn't leave my home country. He went back on what he said but I did say that should we ever split up, I would always love him in a way. He said that he didn't love his ex, so I said that even if I didn't feel love for him anymore, that he would always be special.
The thing is - I didn't feel upset when we talked then. But on the train back, I thought about not being there with him and I felt upset then.
There is two sides to this coin. He is drinking which he said that he wouldn't do but he isn't getting drunk (possibly waiting til I go away). I've asked him to cut down and he hasn't, but he isn't abandoning me to get drunk with his friends.
I am so confused! We've had such a brilliant day together - something that hasn't happened in a long time. Is this me clinging on, hoping that we could have days like this all the time?
P.S. I would love some sympathy for my poor feet - a big blister on each heel. Ouch!
He is drinking but so far, he hasn't been drunk or abandoned me to get drunk with his friends as he has done on previous holidays.
However - he is drinking around 7 beers a day, including one at half 5 I the morning. I have confronted him about this and he brushes it off saying that he isn't getting drunk or simply calls me by my nicknames. I am not being taken seriously. But should I bother that much because he isn't getting drunk. I just wish that we could do something without him having a beer.
Also, he has already lied to me twice about beer. We ordered a takeaway on the Thursday night and I asked him if he had ordered any beer, and he said no, sure enough, when the food arrived, so did two bottles of beer.
Yesterday, I met with him and sat bottles of beer lying around the land (his brother and his friend was there) so I asked if he had been drinking. He said no. Later that day, he did admit that he had had a beer earlier that day. I know it's only one or two beers but he has still lied.
That being said, today we went to a neighbouring town and had a great day. We had a fantastic meal, walked round to look at sights and he was affectionate and polite. He paid for nearly all of it, and we ate so much rubbish. He had five beers throughout the time we were away but he was in control and did not appear drunk (partly due to the hot weather and the amount of walking we did). On the way home, we cuddled on the train and fell asleep for a while. It was lovely. But when we got off the train, I wanted some cookies so we went to the shop and he bought more beer.
Today was a confusing day - he showed me what he's like when he wants to be romantic and affectionate but there still has to be beer. I felt really guilty all day because of my recent thoughts of leaving when we were having such a great day together. However, we briefly talked about what would happen if we split up because he was talking about moving home permantely and I said that I couldn't leave my home country. He went back on what he said but I did say that should we ever split up, I would always love him in a way. He said that he didn't love his ex, so I said that even if I didn't feel love for him anymore, that he would always be special.
The thing is - I didn't feel upset when we talked then. But on the train back, I thought about not being there with him and I felt upset then.
There is two sides to this coin. He is drinking which he said that he wouldn't do but he isn't getting drunk (possibly waiting til I go away). I've asked him to cut down and he hasn't, but he isn't abandoning me to get drunk with his friends.
I am so confused! We've had such a brilliant day together - something that hasn't happened in a long time. Is this me clinging on, hoping that we could have days like this all the time?
P.S. I would love some sympathy for my poor feet - a big blister on each heel. Ouch!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
He is drinking which he said that he wouldn't do
Worried, doesn't this tell you what you need to know? And this?
Also, he has already lied to me twice about beer.
The way you count his beers - come on dear, you should not have to be thinking about this.
I'm sorry you are going through this and sorry for those blisters, ouch! I know how much they hurt. And I understand your feelings get in the way and we are human, it happens to all of this. But what are you confused about? He's actively drinking and lying about it.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
If I ask for promises about drinking, those promises WILL be broken. I can only rely on actions. I do not ask for promises anymore. I just create boundaries that involve my own actions if those boundaries are broken.
The FBI -
What I have learned is that I have focused so many brain cells on being the FBI (family bureau of investigation) that I have missed many, many, many things in MY life. Counting drinks, smelling a sleeping person, looking for receipts, worrying, etc.......
When you went on the long walk, what did YOU see, smell, hear? What did you miss? When you were cuddling on the train, what did you focus on? What could you have focused on?
When the cookies arrived, did you focus on how good they tasted, or did you turn in to the FBI?
The FBI -
What I have learned is that I have focused so many brain cells on being the FBI (family bureau of investigation) that I have missed many, many, many things in MY life. Counting drinks, smelling a sleeping person, looking for receipts, worrying, etc.......
When you went on the long walk, what did YOU see, smell, hear? What did you miss? When you were cuddling on the train, what did you focus on? What could you have focused on?
When the cookies arrived, did you focus on how good they tasted, or did you turn in to the FBI?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If you don't want to hear lies, don't ask him about his drinking. If counting drinks upsets you, stop doing it. If you expect him to cut back for you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. This is who he is and this is the relationship you have. This is reality.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Aaaaand.....suddenly I understand everything you said.
Believe it or not all that follows has happened in between posts. His cousin comes to the door to say that there's a problem with his brother. Me, ABF and his mum all go downstairs to find that his brother has been punched in the face (he started it) and he's bleeding badly. He won't come into the house so we all go upstairs, and by the time ABF and I come back downstairs, he's gone. So we put shoes on and go looking for him. We find him standing with his friends (they used to be friends of ABF but he said that he didn't want to go and talk to them) and come back home. He's angry and I try to calm him down. I thought that I had done successfully. He's got a horrible habit of biting his nails and spitting them out and I always tell him to stop because I can't stand the noise. He was doing it and I asked him to stop and he said, "Stop playing then" (I play games occasionally). I asked him why he was being snappy at me when I'd asked him all day to stop biting and he had stopped for a while. He said that he wasn't being angry at me, and I said that he was because he was angry at his brother. He just shrugged and said, "Whatever."
So that's it. The lovely day has been ruined, facade has gone and he's back to normal. And what was he doing during this argument? Drinking a beer!
Tomorrow, we are going to talk. You are all right - I shouldn't be counting bottles, worrying if he's going to get drunk every day. I should be enjoying every day like I was today, not being lied to.
I suppose I was confused because I had made up my mind that I knew this holiday would be centred around beer and that would provide me with the last bit of confirmation that I needed to end the relationship. Going out today with him throw me for a loop because it gave me a taste of what life was like before his drinking became an issue and I actually wondered if he could change.
But he won't. He probably could, but he won't. He doesn't see a problem with having one beer at half 5 because he's not getting drunk. He doesn't see a problem with drinking 7 or 8 beers throughout the day because he's not getting drunk. I tried to tell him already, it doesn't matter that he's not getting drunk, what matters is that we cannot do anything without beer. I cannot envision a future where he is dry. Today showed me what it could be like if he actually tried and put his all into our relationship but again - he had to have beer. So really, I will never be as good as beer in his eyes, will I?
Believe it or not all that follows has happened in between posts. His cousin comes to the door to say that there's a problem with his brother. Me, ABF and his mum all go downstairs to find that his brother has been punched in the face (he started it) and he's bleeding badly. He won't come into the house so we all go upstairs, and by the time ABF and I come back downstairs, he's gone. So we put shoes on and go looking for him. We find him standing with his friends (they used to be friends of ABF but he said that he didn't want to go and talk to them) and come back home. He's angry and I try to calm him down. I thought that I had done successfully. He's got a horrible habit of biting his nails and spitting them out and I always tell him to stop because I can't stand the noise. He was doing it and I asked him to stop and he said, "Stop playing then" (I play games occasionally). I asked him why he was being snappy at me when I'd asked him all day to stop biting and he had stopped for a while. He said that he wasn't being angry at me, and I said that he was because he was angry at his brother. He just shrugged and said, "Whatever."
So that's it. The lovely day has been ruined, facade has gone and he's back to normal. And what was he doing during this argument? Drinking a beer!
Tomorrow, we are going to talk. You are all right - I shouldn't be counting bottles, worrying if he's going to get drunk every day. I should be enjoying every day like I was today, not being lied to.
I suppose I was confused because I had made up my mind that I knew this holiday would be centred around beer and that would provide me with the last bit of confirmation that I needed to end the relationship. Going out today with him throw me for a loop because it gave me a taste of what life was like before his drinking became an issue and I actually wondered if he could change.
But he won't. He probably could, but he won't. He doesn't see a problem with having one beer at half 5 because he's not getting drunk. He doesn't see a problem with drinking 7 or 8 beers throughout the day because he's not getting drunk. I tried to tell him already, it doesn't matter that he's not getting drunk, what matters is that we cannot do anything without beer. I cannot envision a future where he is dry. Today showed me what it could be like if he actually tried and put his all into our relationship but again - he had to have beer. So really, I will never be as good as beer in his eyes, will I?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Why is it your job to calm him down? He's grown.
His family sounds like a bunch of drama llamas. This is common in alcoholic/codependent families. There's always some craziness going on to distract everyone from the real issues.
Don't get down on yourself. Nothing is more important to him than alcohol, including his own life. Have a talk with him, but keep your expectations low. It's not likely to make much difference in the course of his disease.
His family sounds like a bunch of drama llamas. This is common in alcoholic/codependent families. There's always some craziness going on to distract everyone from the real issues.
Don't get down on yourself. Nothing is more important to him than alcohol, including his own life. Have a talk with him, but keep your expectations low. It's not likely to make much difference in the course of his disease.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Worried, when I first found out about my A's drinking (he was a very secret drinker, I had no idea of the extent of it for years upon years), I went thru something similar. He told me that "I am the same person, drinking or not." He told me that since he still had a job and didn't abuse me, the problem was mine and not his. He told me that since I hadn't even been able to tell, how bad could it have been? He told me that since I drank alone too (I would have the occasional glass of wine or bottle of cider while cooking dinner or talking on the phone), I was no better than him and had nothing to say about it.
Honestly, I had no answers for those statements at first. But I knew that there was a problem; I just couldn't articulate why.
After coming here for a while and doing some Alanon, I started to get some answers. No, he was NOT the same person, drinking or not--someone under the influence of alcohol does not act the same, think the same, make the same decisions. When I married him, I did not use "having a job and not abusing me" as my sole criteria for that choice, and if that is all he has to offer me now, I need to re-think that. He was right, as a rule, I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking, but many times I suspected it and asked, and he lied--yes, that IS bad, in my book.
And again, he was right, I did have a drink by myself at times. This was the hardest one to answer, since the only outward difference was the matter of how many drinks and how often. What made all the difference was that if he'd asked me to not do it, I would have no problem not doing it. When I asked him to not do it, we had the conversation above....
And eventually, I saw that I didn't even NEED to enumerate reasons. It was enough that I found it unacceptable. That was all I needed.
Hope some of that is useful to you.
Honestly, I had no answers for those statements at first. But I knew that there was a problem; I just couldn't articulate why.
After coming here for a while and doing some Alanon, I started to get some answers. No, he was NOT the same person, drinking or not--someone under the influence of alcohol does not act the same, think the same, make the same decisions. When I married him, I did not use "having a job and not abusing me" as my sole criteria for that choice, and if that is all he has to offer me now, I need to re-think that. He was right, as a rule, I couldn't tell if he'd been drinking, but many times I suspected it and asked, and he lied--yes, that IS bad, in my book.
And again, he was right, I did have a drink by myself at times. This was the hardest one to answer, since the only outward difference was the matter of how many drinks and how often. What made all the difference was that if he'd asked me to not do it, I would have no problem not doing it. When I asked him to not do it, we had the conversation above....
And eventually, I saw that I didn't even NEED to enumerate reasons. It was enough that I found it unacceptable. That was all I needed.
Hope some of that is useful to you.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
Again, you are all right.
Twice now he has me to get drunk with him and I have said no. I drink very rarely, maybe twice or three times a year, I do not enjoy the taste of alcohol (only one kind!) and I am past the stage of getting drunk for the hell of it. I told him this and asked why he wanted to get drunk and he said that it was fun. I told him to look at what happened the last time we got (which inspired my March post). I realised that it didn't matter whether I wanted to drink or not, he wanted me to drink as a way of validating his drinking.
He asked for a beer on the way back from the land today and I agreed to one and we could sit by the lake (I had juice). On the way, we bumped into the "friends" from the incident last night and he stopped. I went ahead and he shouted at me to go the last bench and wait. I thought he would be a few seconds at least. I waited 5 minutes and went back and of course, he was sitting down with one of the friends that he had slated last night. I walked up, nearly crying because I knew that this would happen eventually and asked him what he was doing and how long he was planning on making me wait, to which he replied that he was only going to be 10 mins. I handed him his beer and sat away from him (I couldn't go back home because he had the key). I finished my juice, stood up and he asked if I was going. I said yes because I didn't want to wait around. He finished the beer and walked home with me and on the way, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that. I felt abandoned because as soon as he met a friend, I was forgotten about in favour of drinking with friends. I also heard the friend say that he would phone ABF later so we will see what happens then. If he wants to go, he can. But I will make it clear that if he goes, then so do I.
And now I am 100% sure! when I leave, he will drink heavily and most likely, he will do drugs. We had a fight earlier and he said that we should split and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, to which I said that I did but it's all about what he wants and that my opinions are not important to him. He came to me literally five minutes later saying that he was sorry and that it was all OK.
It's really not, and I wish for the first time since I got here that I had just stayed home. When I do get back on Thursday, I have 3 weeks to make arrangements and think about how I am going to deal with everything. But tonight should prove to be interesting!
Twice now he has me to get drunk with him and I have said no. I drink very rarely, maybe twice or three times a year, I do not enjoy the taste of alcohol (only one kind!) and I am past the stage of getting drunk for the hell of it. I told him this and asked why he wanted to get drunk and he said that it was fun. I told him to look at what happened the last time we got (which inspired my March post). I realised that it didn't matter whether I wanted to drink or not, he wanted me to drink as a way of validating his drinking.
He asked for a beer on the way back from the land today and I agreed to one and we could sit by the lake (I had juice). On the way, we bumped into the "friends" from the incident last night and he stopped. I went ahead and he shouted at me to go the last bench and wait. I thought he would be a few seconds at least. I waited 5 minutes and went back and of course, he was sitting down with one of the friends that he had slated last night. I walked up, nearly crying because I knew that this would happen eventually and asked him what he was doing and how long he was planning on making me wait, to which he replied that he was only going to be 10 mins. I handed him his beer and sat away from him (I couldn't go back home because he had the key). I finished my juice, stood up and he asked if I was going. I said yes because I didn't want to wait around. He finished the beer and walked home with me and on the way, he asked me what was wrong. I told him that. I felt abandoned because as soon as he met a friend, I was forgotten about in favour of drinking with friends. I also heard the friend say that he would phone ABF later so we will see what happens then. If he wants to go, he can. But I will make it clear that if he goes, then so do I.
And now I am 100% sure! when I leave, he will drink heavily and most likely, he will do drugs. We had a fight earlier and he said that we should split and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, to which I said that I did but it's all about what he wants and that my opinions are not important to him. He came to me literally five minutes later saying that he was sorry and that it was all OK.
It's really not, and I wish for the first time since I got here that I had just stayed home. When I do get back on Thursday, I have 3 weeks to make arrangements and think about how I am going to deal with everything. But tonight should prove to be interesting!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 39
I'm sorry the holiday hasn't gone as well as you hoped! But, think of it this way, your eyes have been undeniably opened. Now you see that even if there's a good day, it will include alcohol. For him, he is not thinking about being completely sober or even recovering. He's just trying to have fun while pacifying you enough so that you don't feel as if you can make any arguments.
But it's not about him. This time it's about you and what will make you happy. Even though you two had a "great day" was it really that great for you? The whole time you were counting how much he drank and how drunk he seemed. That doesn't sound like a nice, relaxing, enjoyable day for you.
As Godismyrock said, "I can only rely on actions". Forget everything he has said and simply look at his actions. What is it telling you?
Take care of yourself! No matter what he does, I hope you're able to find some peace and happiness for yourself tonight and the rest of the holiday.
Hugs!
But it's not about him. This time it's about you and what will make you happy. Even though you two had a "great day" was it really that great for you? The whole time you were counting how much he drank and how drunk he seemed. That doesn't sound like a nice, relaxing, enjoyable day for you.
As Godismyrock said, "I can only rely on actions". Forget everything he has said and simply look at his actions. What is it telling you?
Take care of yourself! No matter what he does, I hope you're able to find some peace and happiness for yourself tonight and the rest of the holiday.
Hugs!
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