amy55

I was thinking about this today. I know I have a lot of triggers. I have PTSD. I tried to think of my triggers, so that I know when to back out of things.

I know I have a flight or fight mechanism built in, I didn't have this before.

I know that I never wanted what happened to me to happen to someone else. It's more of like I want a justice thing.

I know I get triggered when I feel a newcomer being jumped on. I went through this.

I know I get triggered when I feel danger, and the hairs on my arms are standing straight up, and all I am doing is reading another persons life.

I know I have more triggers, but I must think about them more.

Sometimes I am even triggered when people are nice to me, because that is not comfortable to me.

I know I still need to do a lot of work on myself.

So if I sometimes jump, I do think I know about that, but maybe not.

I think many of us have been thru h3ll and back, and I think we all have different triggers.

I just needed to get this out here, in writing today. I need to be better.

Hey, the toaster triggers me, the phone ringing triggers me. It's puts me back into places that I don't want to be in anymore.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

amy

biminiblue

I understand.

Trauma memories may be there, but they are now just thoughts and thoughts can't hurt us. They're just thoughts.

I am safe.

amy55

Sometimes, I think that even though I am out of my relationship, divorced 3+ years, I still don't ever want to see what happened to me, happen to someone else. I remember what I went thru, and how much denial I was in. My God, I lived with him for 25 yrs, what was wrong with me ????

Then sometimes I feel I can be controlling another persons life by telling them what I endured, what I went thru, and wishing them that they do not have the same kind of life.

So I am still here 5 + years after I left him. Why ??? Why didn't I move on with my own life yet, why do I still have those triggers. Why do I still have to walk around the block sometimes before replying to someone.

Granted, I don't always walk around the block or sit on my hands. I won't argue with that. It's something I need to stop though.

firebolt

Take care Amy, you seem much, MUCH farther along than you think you are right now. I think we focused so much on what was wrong with someone else's life, that when we turn to our own, we are even more scrutinizing.

Maybe some of those triggers will never go away - PTSD is heavy duty. Maybe it's not so much that all of the triggers go away, we just learn what it is and how to deal with it. Keep talking those walks around the block - that's more healthy than how I delt with stressful events way back when I was a normie.

amy55

I think we are all on the same side, I just think we have different triggers, maybe we can hash that out.

amy55

Sometimes I question why I am here. I know I get triggered, but is it for the benefit for another person, or is it because I can't let things go.

Sometimes I would like to hear the opinions of others, the ones that are seeking help, and what kind of help they need?



and then I question myself as to why I am here, after all the years I have been out of it, am I vindictive, or do I really want to help another person?


I would also like to ask why the people that are out are still hanging around, just like me. Why do you do it?

embraced2000

I've always heard that to keep it (recovery), you have to give it away.

I understand your questions only too well. I ask myself the same things.

I cannot change the weave of my fabric.....but at least I tried to patch some holes in it.

amy55

Did I tell you today that I love you embraced 2000. I do.

amy55

To me, I come here because it's a "pay it forward". I ended up getting great support from my friends, it was unexpected, and I know everyone doesn't get what I got.

Mags1

Hi amy55, I have similar experiences, lots of triggers, emotions, it want to help people so they don't go through what I've been through.

The best we can do is let them know the facts, if they want to know, what they do with them is their decision. We are born with free will.

amy55

Mags 1, I know. I was lucky in that I had friends, I really was. I was also happy that I handed out the DV hotline number.

embraced2000

it gets scary for me when i feel those triggers. it seems i can become just as determined to save a codie as i was to save the alcoholic in my life.

am sitting here now, practically trembling....pondering on whether to press the reply button or not....so here goes....gotta keep myself honest or i'll be in over my head again......

redatlanta

I only have one trigger. The abuse threads. Add kids and animals in the mix and I have to close the computer. I delete my responses several times. I get madder if the A is defended. Decided upon last involvement with one of those threads its not the place for me to be.

As for why I stay here (though I am not "out" but in happy recovering land) couple reasons. First it keeps me straight. Don't want to slip back into Codie behavior.

Secondly I consider people here friends. May sound weird - I have a lot of real friends and no lack of social life. Here I can say anything. I don't always want to discuss all things with my close friends.

I become interested in people's stories and lives. I want to know how they are doing and what happened to them.

I especially like reading that someone has benefitted from being here and life has changed for the better for them.

There were many times during RAH relapse here was all I had. No one knew. Sometimes I could wake up at 3 am and come here and it made me feel better. I'd like to return the favor.

amy55

First, Redatlanta, I so totally understand. I know I shouldn't have stayed in my relationship. I was leaving 8 years prior to when I actually left. I didn't know anything about abuse then, didn't know about alcoholism.

Stayed because I had 2 cancers. Breast and cervical. Nearest hospital was around me for that. I stayed. Stupid, right?

emrbraced, I would love to send you some love, just like you sent me. I think you are a beautiful person. I know I would love you in the instant if I ever met you.

amy55

embraced2000, sometimes, I type really quickly, sometimes I don't really think, but you have been putting down and saying the things that I want to. You have a beautiful way of expressing things.

redatlanta

I don't think you are stupid. Not at all.

I have not been in an abusive relationship (one night with RAH almost went there but that's it). I don't know the mindset, I don't know how to council people in this situation. its more than screaming "Get the F**K out!". That's not the right response.

Better left to those who know how to deal with it is what I meant by my comment.

wanttobehealthy

Yup. Agree. Completely.

I think I tried (perhaps not well) to say much the same thing as above last week or maybe the one before when there was a different thread about how we offer support in different ways. I said then & believe still now that we are all on the same side. We all are here bc we care about one another and that while we might express that in different ways, I think if we "presume positive intentions", it connects us all in a more positive way.

That said I totally get that the way some might be expressing support could be triggering for others and that is a useful thing to keep in mind (for me to keep in mind that is)

Yes for sure there are triggers all over the place here for many of us. Good point.

For me hearing people in what sounds like denial about the impact of the A on their life and especially their kids lives is almost impossible for me to read.

And yet I was that person not too many years ago. So I'm a hypocrite to be frustrated by it I suppose huh? Honestly I would probably still be living with my now xAH had I not had the truth shoved down my throat (with love but directly often times) by some brave souls here.

I hate to accept that I can't save someone else from going through the same path I did and subjecting their kids to the same crap I subjected mine too.

It's hard to know where the line is between caring about and trying to encourage someone to help themself and realizing they have to figure it out themselves.

amy55

wtbh, I totally understand, especially with what you are going through. Sometimes it really is a hard line. I was Ptsd, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, Stockholm Syndrome, aka BWS, battered wives syndrome. Sometime it is really hard to talk to us. I understand that now, then I would have ran. But I wasn't stupid, I knew something was wrong, I didn't post, but I read. I came back, but I came back to a different forum. In a way, I felt like I came home here, when I came here.

RollTide

"So I am still here 5 + years after I left him. Why ???"

amy55,

I don't post much here unless it is at some odd hour because I think someone with more experience might better communicate with someone in need.

I do look up to you as someone whose posts are spot on for situations in my life.

So I think you stay here to help a bunch of us that you never heard of.

amy55

redatlanta, I did read what you wrote. I totally agree. Sometimes what I don't agree on is the underlying cry for help, that they don't say. I can see it, I can feel it. It was me!!!!

I have appreciated your most recent post. I am not on here everyday. You show compassion and empathy. I love that about you. Thank You for that.