LadyLo

I'm new and looking for some support. My husband is an alcoholic. He hasn't drank in 4 years and was off drink when I met him. We're married with a short period and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. As the thread title says, I'm at my wits end. He's becoming increasingly difficult to live with. He's constantly having meltdowns and blaming me (I don't earn enough or I'm not supportive of him in his career or I don't understand that he has a bad back etc etc the list goes on). He's making me more and more depressed. I simply cannot go on. He's nasty and abusive. I'm fearing for my safety and that of my unborn child now. I feel like I'm crazy. I feel he's made me crazy. He's extremely moody and irrational and easily stressed out. Is this all normal for a recovered alcoholic?

healthyagain

It sounds more like a raging alcoholic to me. But, people do not have to drink to be abusive. Sad, but true. I think it is really important to pay attention to how he makes you feel. If you are scared, feeling crazy, do not feel like staying with him, then you should start figuring out an exit strategy. It does not matter if this is normal for a recovering alcoholic or not. You are being abused and you are pregnant.

Chelsea1029

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. My XAH is extremely moody, irritable, and easily stressed out as well and I also felt like I was going crazy. And the blame...very typical from what I've read. The stress is so unhealthy. Better to get out now than after the baby comes. You need to be healthy for yourself and your child. As difficult as it is to separate you deserve better! Ive been separated almost 3 months and I feel so much healthier. The stress and anxiety are better. Can you leave or will he?

amy55

Hi, and welcome to SR. Sorry you had to find us, but you did find an excellent forum, with lots of support.

My ex is abusive, and is an alcoholic. I spent years trying to figure out why he was abusive. I researched this forum, a verbal abuse forum, depression forum, bi-polar forum, borderline personality forum. You know what. It didn't matter. My ex was abusive. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set him off, one day something would be ok to do or say, the next day, the same thing would start WW111 off. I began to feel like I went crazy, sometimes I still feel crazy and I am out of there over 5 years now.

Was he always like this? I would think not, which means he was able to control it until he got you where he wanted you.

I see he blames you for a lot, probably everything. If he is having a bad day, it somehow turned out to be something you did, or didn't do, or said or didn't say, or you didn't even have to be there for him to start thinking about how it is all you, and he comes home mad at you.

Read the stickies up above. Just know that we are here for you and you are not alone anymore.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

lillamy

This is what stood out to me in your post.
You are fearing for your safety.
That is all that is important.
Not the marriage vows. Not whether his behavior is "normal" for an alcoholic. Not any of that.

What is important is that you don't feel safe in your own home.

Do you have somewhere you can go?
Nobody has any DUTY to stay in a potentially violent situation.
You could call a domestic violence hotline and ask advice about how to proceed:

For the US:
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY For The Deaf)


By state:
http://www.letswrap.com/usadv/

honeypig

Welcome to SR, LadyLo--kudos to you for seeking help for both yourself and your child. The fact that you looked for support says that you have both courage and common sense.

This section of the stickied threads at the top of the page might be useful to you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

To echo lillamy, the main thing is that you don't feel safe. It is completely unimportant whether his behavior is "normal" for a "recovering" alcoholic (or a dry drunk, which seems more likely from your description). Your safety, and that of your child, is all that matters.

There are a number of members here with a LOT of experience with abuse situations, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of support and advice here.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Recovering2

Abusive people are abusive whether they are alcoholics or not. The reasons don't matter, it's unacceptable behavior. It's a fact that abuse typically escalates during pregnancy. Call the DV hotline and get help for you and your child. Do you have family you can reach out to?

ladyscribbler

This has a lot of hallmarks of a progressive abuse situation. Quick involvement, pregnancy soon following to tie you to him even more, blaming you for his abusive behavior. This doesn't get better. You don't have to do anything right this minute, but giving the DV hotline a call can let you know your options and get you some support.
You might want to pack a bug out bag with some clothes and important papers in case you need to leave in a hurry. If your husband sees it you can tell him it's your hospital bag for when baby comes, you're just so excited you packed it a few months early.
My big regret is not leaving while I was pregnant. I kept waiting for him to turn back into the guy I fell in love with, and he just got meaner. Take care.

NWGRITS

Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. There doesn't need to be any rationalization to it. Abuse is abuse. You mentioned that he talks about his back pain. Is he on any narcotic painkillers? It sounds like he's chasing something down the rabbit hole. Whether it's alcohol or not is irrelevant. Please seek help for yourself and that precious unborn baby. You both deserve so much more than what he is capable of giving you right now.

LoveMeNow

I was thinking the same thing!! Pain pills??

Ugh.....doesn't matter. The above wisdom is so spot on!!

Please be safe!!

Hammer

Touche!

missboots

Leave while you're pregnant! Wish I had. Now I'm planning and terrified. It will probably get worse. Come here for support- we will cheer you on, give advice. Such an amazing forum.

airwick

I hope things go well for you missboots

NYCDoglvr

No. I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and would kill myself if I had the fear and anger your husband does. Typically people with no program (like AA) can become like this. There's a saying: if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief. But what's really important here is YOU. Do you have family and/or friends you can turn to for support? I got enormous help from members of Alanon, it saved my sanity and my life. I'll pray for you, I'm so sorry you're in this situation.