BoxinRotz

I wouldn't trust her snood. Not as far as you could throw her drunken limp body!

CodeJob

Glad it is not malignant with your BIL Snood! As for your wife, I can hear your disdain! Be well!

Hawkeye13

Also glad to hear about your BIL Snood,

I guess I'm not sure why you are prolonging this--she used you, there is no intimacy, and she has made it clear she is not quitting booze--
you can be sure that this reduction in volume will indeed be temporary unless she wants recovery.
Sounds like she doesn't to me, but as you said is trying to placate you to get you to put the will back in her favor.

Watch your back if you do my friend--it's kind of shaping up like a Hitchcock thriller so far.

MissFixit

If you guys were in the South with me, I would say it was TennesseeWilliamsesque!

Snood

Hitchcock? Tennessee Williams? Well, I count writing among my talents!

I am watching my back, as warned, and the 'big guns' are secretly ready in the background. I need some more info before putting Plan B into operation and if I'm using her in the meantime, it's another fair exchange.

Once again, it's watch this space but rest assured, I know exactly what I'm doing!

Snood

Just a little update.

My counsellor was v. pleased with me, for having shifted the balance of power with the divorce thing. She said she could see the difference in me.

Yet it still goes on. Open statement to wifey, "I know what wine boxes are full of and I can tell when the weight differs." I also know that half a box on top of 2/3 bottle of Cava = bladdered...again.

Tonight, she was bleating on about a whiff of cigarette smoke wafting under the door off the bathroom, in which. I have to smoke with the window open and the extractor fan running. It also "stains the paintwork and makes the towels smell".

So, open statement number 2. "I don't complain about the bedroom's stinking like a distillery after you've had a session, or about trying not to get drunk on the fumes when driving you and your cohort back from a pub. I also do the painting so put your 'effin' towels elsewhere."

Possible solution. Put a single bed in the bedroom downstairs, which she must use at least on booze nights. However, then we'll have stepdaughter staying over every other night.

Thin ice, Mrs. Snood. Watch it.

FireSprite

OMGosh Snood, you had me literally laughing out loud. I'm glad you are gaining some control & are staying aware, best of luck!

redatlanta

LOL. You should be a screenwriter.

Sungrl

All this plotting and secrecy and revenge is getting kind of scary. It may be that I don't get the sense of humor or if embellishments are made for our entertainment here at SR. I apologize if that is the case. When you make your references to "wifey" I feel a real and totally justified resentment. That said, I understand how hard it must be to separate all you have together as a married couple. Can't you just lay it out, she is an alcoholic so you in turn want a divorce. Let lawyers hammer out the details so all is fair to all involved. Playing games and manipulating is the alcoholics way you don't have to make it yours too.

Refiner

I don't understand it either. Why are you still there being miserable? I feel like you're stooping to her level. Why can't you just move out and let the lawyers handle the details?

Snood

Thank you.

It may be that some of my meanings are lost in translation, as it were, but I assure you I'm not playing games. Manipulation? Yes, but what's sauce for the goose is what's sauce for the gander.

You both mentioned lawyers, which is a dirty word in my book. I have one for a best friend but he is also my advisor in all this. The point is that she will legally receive valuable money/property, which her trying to fight the case legally would quite easily consume.

Just as an aside, her 'reduced' drinking the other night was the alcoholic equivalent of 9.5 pints of beer. She had more than her week's recommended units in about two hours. Enough said.

StormiNormi

Despite your wife's "ism", she is legally entitled to a share of the matrimonial property upon divorce, to do with as she pleases. One of my best friends is a Judge, and he has confirmed this to me. IN my part of the world, it is black and white. Certainly addiction is still grounds for divorce, but the addict does not 'loose' property rights. There for, the courts would see any attempt of your to withhold assets would be viewed as hostile on your part and you would end up paying the legal bills from your share of the assets.

FeelingGreat

Hi Snood, you've certainly moved the balance of power for now but remember it's not a game. She will be entitled to a share of your joint property, although a lot depends on how long you've been married and original assets and so on.
Please don't dismiss the idea of a lawyer; they can be very cost effective and they don't necessarily mean a big fight. That depends on your partner. I'm glad I used a lawyer because I wasn't sure of my entitlements.
I'm not sure of whether you've decided against divorce, or you've put it on hold, or you're going ahead in the background? When I think of how miserable you've been and how little true value your marriage has, I think postponing would be putting off the inevitable.
Put 2 single beds downstairs so they can share

Snood

Hello all,

Responders, please don't be misled by the various factors I've mentioned. I know about the legitimate shareout when a marriage ends but she seems to believe a different set of rules applies to her.

I/my family put in property worth £1/4 million in total. When she arrived, she'd been bankrupted by her first husband's ill-advised business activities. So she was penniless on arrival. When we break up, she'll get £1/8 million at worst.

Out joint business is growing and we run it between us. However, she has over $100,000 in a family trust fund (pension). I was taken off this as a beneficiary, without consultation or any warning. Now, although I gave her half of my property, I'm not allowed a share of these funds by her because. "They're in the 'States'.

Similarly, I spent weeks doing paperwork to get her a tax refund from the IRS. How much? No idea. When will it arrive? For all I know, it's arrived already.

I think you get the picture - double standards and hypocrisy.

She's behaving right now, and the divorce is on the back burner. But as I said, Plan B is ticking over in the background.

Stung

Snood. You sound resentful. Those are YOUR emotions to work out and although making her "pay" both literally and figuratively sounds like it will solve your problems, what if it doesn't? What if you dump her and leave her penniless again and you're still resentful? What then?

StormiNormi

An old, I suppose the only response from me, is to say, can you in all honesty, look in the mirror and say to yourself, I am doing the right thing; no regrets? Are you able to sleep well at night with a clear conscience that your side of the street is clean? Have your treated your spouse with dignity and respect, regardless of her behavior? Have you taken the high road? The road less travelled? Divorcing for one's own well being is one thing, divorcing to punish and devalue another human being is another. Do two wrongs make a right? Which action will leave you feeling better about yourself. Hatred, resentment, and revenge, or dignity, respect and emotional detachment. Vengeance ties you to the person you resent. It hurts you in the long term. You know when you find forgiveness for her, you will not react negatively in bitterness, and you will have peace.

hopeful4

I can tell you, if her pension is in a trust in the states it will be very very hard for you to touch. However, I would question the legality of her changing the beneficiary w/out showing divorce papers?

I do know if it is in an actual trust that changes the laws in the states and does protect the $ much more so. It's worth checking out w/an attorney.

I guess my question is, how much is it worth? I would think the stress for you and your family would be very very high in living with her alcoholism. I don't have nearly that sort of money, but I know I am making some concessions in my own divorce just b/c it is worth it for my own sanity to get out.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a good attorney!

Snood

Well, Stung, I appreciate the point but I hardly think what she'll get from me
qualifies as leaving her 'penniless'. She came to me with a few thousand pounds in savings, her clothes and goods, and a bankruptcy. She'll be leaving with a £125,000 business, plus £10,000 on top, and help in learning to run the business.

Of course I'm resentful, I'm the one who's been bending over backwards for nearly four years, with little result. However, I do 'fair' and what she'll receive is more than fair.

Snood

Have you heard of Hobson's Choice? If you haven't, it means there's only one thing to choose...or nothing at all. She's been giving me this for a long time.

As far as I'm concerned, she's had far better treatment from me than I have had from her. I'm sure there's many a spouse who would have done very nasty things to her under the circumstances. That's not my style.

So I'll be giving her Hobson's Choice, effectively pointing out to her that, "You've made your bed, now lie in it."

readerbaby71

If you're dealing with large amounts of money, why would you not get a lawyer and protect yourself and your assets? Doing this without legal counsel is a recipe for disaster.