myfreedom

AH and I have been seperated twice in the last year. I went back in November thinking there was a chance. Woke up real quick. Kids and I left again in February. Kids are very happy and really don't enjoy their time with dad. AH has drastically cut back on drinking but still does it and says he is going to continue to do so, just keep it controlled?????? He knows that is most of our problem and our daughter who is 11 is very distant from her father due to all the things that have happened. Why is it so hard for me to let go of this marriage? I know he will always drink at times, still has his anger issues and is still somewhat selfish. My biggest fear is him finding someone new. I can't seem to accept that could happen. He always knows my buttons to push to get me falling back into the cycle. He makes it sound so good and that he really loves me more than anything. He feels if we are together and work on us that kids will see we can be happy and no fighting and then they will come around.I don't feel the same because of the alcohol, even if its only a few beers once or twice a week. He says I need to let go of the past when things were really bad. Who's to say they won't get that way again. He says they won't, that he is done with those days. I miss him when we are apart and can't stand him when we are together!!!!! How do I move on and live life without him after 13 yrs

biminiblue

You just do. It's a decision.

On the other woman thing: is she really going to get that great of a prize? His problems won't magically go away with the next woman. If he does find someone else, it will help you to move on. You have no control over what happens in regards to other women - you never have.

AveryMarie

If he did find someone new, he's going to do the same thing to that person as he did to you. Ultimately what it comes down to is him getting help. If he doesn't do that, you will be in this circle forever. Don't forget to take care of YOU.

suki44883

You cannot trust him. He lies. He's lied to you many times and his Disney version of how things could be is just another lie. Your kids are much happier with him gone, and that should be your main focus. You will get over him, just as millions of other women have gotten over their husbands. It will hurt for a while, but you are better off, and your children certainly are.

marie1960

Certainly you realize that those "few beers a week" are not part of an alcoholic's recovery.
AND alcoholism is not managed with a few beer today, tomorrow, next week...... Sooner or later you are right back living the same daily hell.

not to sound cruel or insensitive, but an angry, selfish drunk, is not what most healthy women will be seeking out. So what if he finds someone else ? as long as he is actively drinking NOTHING will change, she will be living the same crap you did.

Sweetie, a zebra can't change his stripes.

Time for you and your children to heal, take your life back, build a safe and secure home for you and your kids.

How do you move on? Baby steps, friend, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, and then you have to find acceptance, accept that he is not the person you married, 13 years ago. This is who he currently is, and that simply isn't enough for you and your children. He is not the loving husband or committed father, he is choosing booze over his family, sticking to the FACTS can help you to manage your emotions.

Peace.

amy55

You sound like you already know that things will not get better. They won't, they will get worse, only different. With the drinking, my ex didn't drink that much at home anymore, but he would go out to bars and come home drunk. With the fighting, he may have stopped calling me names, but he became more passive-aggressive, and more of the "silent treatment", then would get mad at me if I was upset, because at least he didn't call me names.

Another woman, mine found one. I felt really hurt at the time, but now I wish her the best, (well, maybe not). I wish her a very long relationship with my ex. I want them to stay together so that he will never darken my life again.

myfreedom

I know he will not change for someone else if he can't for his own children. Its so damn hard. He is texting me now while i am at work, asking how my day is going and that he misses and loves me soooo much.

hopeful4

My XAH who I am in the process of divorcing said the same. This went on for four years (we have been married alot longer, but that is when things were the worst). I lived in fear and anxiety waiting for things to become horrible again, which they did. Every time you talk to him about this you are letting him manipulate you into thinking he can control this. An alcoholic cannot promise you any sort of future, it is only a day at a time. For myself, I could not accept that. I refuse to live in the anxiety of knowing it can and likely will happen again and again.

And your kids. Wow, they really deserve peace in their lives. The toll this has taken on my 8 and 14 yr old DD's is horrible. Had I stuck to what I knew in the beginning, that the marriage was not going to work, I would not have drug myself or my kids down this road for so long.

We are all in therapy with separate therapists. I know for myself now that I don't have the day to day anxiety of all of it, I can look back and see just how bad it had gotten. Me and my girls deserve more. You and your kids deserve peace and happiness.

Only you can decide what you will do with your own life, but please educate yourself on how it affects you mentally and physically and for your kids too.

God Bless.

marie1960

You don't have to respond to his texts.

If you want to feel better, you have to get proactive.

You have the choice to NOT engage in any further manipulation tactics, texts, phone calls ........

If it not about the kids, visitation, school events, etc, you really have no need to communicate with him.

Actions matter, his words are meaningless.


Empower yourself, my friend.

hopeful4

I agree with Marie. That is when things really imporoved for me. I try to keep the communication about the kids only. That really helps. If he sends me anything else I just delete. No point. Once he realized I was doing that he stopped doing so very much.

myfreedom

I just need to get to that point of not responding. I just don't know how. And if he starts letting go, then I become responsive to that and I suck myself back in. I know my kids are much happier and they have made it known that they never want to go back to us being a family because dad will never change. If they know it and accept it, why the hell can't i???

suki44883

Maybe you're not allowing yourself to accept it. It will take time, but you have to make positive moves in the opposite direction. Stop taking his texts while you are at work. Turn your phone off when you're getting ready for bed. Limit your interaction with him severely. The more time you are away from him, the clearer your head will be and you'll be less likely to be reeled back in.

hopeful4

You cannot accept it because you are not letting yourself get over him by continuing to interact with him. It keeps you on the line. Think of it like a fish. If a fish gets stuck on a line and stays on it and keeps floundering around the injury gets worse and worse. If they get stuck on the line but get off, they are still injured but eventually the injury heals because they are not on the line any longer. I know that's pretty simple but it is what a therapist told me. I think he dumbed it down for me but it stuck LOL.

What you are going through is grief. You have to allow yourself to move forward through those stages. If you continue to back up and never move forward you never come to the end. However if you allow yourself to feel it you will move forward from it full circle.

You can do this.

Designgrl

I agree with everyone here...limit your communications to speaking only about the children, bills, separation agreement, etc. You have nothing to lose by not communicating with him for 24 hours...baby steps!

He had 13 years to treat you with love and respect...he's not gonna start now. What he is going to do is lie to you and try to manipulate you back into his life because he needs you to enable him to keep living his lie. It worked once so why not again!

As my Dad said to me as I was leaving my stbxah..."it's time to put your big girl pants on because this isn't gonna be easy, but you can do it!" I did do it too! The pain was unbearable at first...but now I can say it is getting better. Feel the pain, live the pain, let the pain go!

myfreedom

Text he just sent: "I'm not choosing beer over you's, its who I am, and enjoy the couple. I could say your choosing not to except me for who I am........ or respect how much I have slowed down!!! You know I don't like being a quitter, but its out of my hands if you don't want me. I just know that when I did quit for those couple months that one time, I just didn't feel the same, grumpy because you didn't want who I was."
What does this say to you????

suki44883

It says he's grasping at whatever he can think of to say to make you feel like you are being unfair and it isn't his drinking and anger issues that are the problem. He lies. The longer you keep reading his texts, the longer you are going to be manipulated.

Live

gaslighting

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

involved

Alcoholism is progressive. Unless he quits and actively seeks recovery, things will get worse.

Hopefully you can find ways to keep busy and find things that make you so happy that you find enough self esteem that when you look at him you see the truth. Grieve your loss and take care of you and your kids.

His alcoholism is fighting for its life...you can win the battle if you take care of you!

amy55

It says to me manipulation !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get it that it is hard when you are going through this. I think I spent about a decade or so feeling like this. When I think back to those times now, I really do question myself if I even loved him then, or if I just needed validation. I think now that I was grieving the "what ifs", I was grieving the idea that I had in my own head of what a marriage should be. I was craving that, I wanted that, but it was so hard to realize, I would never have that with him.

I had to get over those thoughts.

ladyscribbler

Translation: I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to drink while someone else (you) takes care of everything for me. Quack quack, guilt trip, quack quack.
Others have made good suggestions re limited contact- stick to kids, business, no side convos about "the relationship." That really helped me move on. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Hugs!