Ending relationship with an addict

Old 03-24-2014, 07:12 AM
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Ending relationship with an addict

Hi everyone. I am brand new here but reaching out because I need help. My boyfriend and I moved in together a little less than 4 months ago. And in this time he has told me about his addiction to alcohol. Two months on from that first conversation, he had 2 good weeks in total. The rest of the time has been a living nightmare. Finding bottles of vodka in the wardrobe, him going on a 3-day batchelor party and coming back and hitting the booze for a week. Crying, vomiting, begging me not to end our relationship.

He went to AA for 4 weeks. It helped. But then he stopped going.

Well, from the first day he told me I said he had to beat this and that was the only way we could stay together. So, after the weekend, I was away visiting family and he hit the booze again. Big time. He was in the pub with friends and also had a bottle of vodka in his bag when he got home. Crying, vomiting etc.

So, that is it. I have told him to move out. I can't live like this. I am absolutely heartbroken. We had a great relationship and I loved him very much. Great potential, but alcohol killed it. As it often does.

Any words of understanding would be so helpful. Every minute is a struggle today. He says he will beat it but I can't do this to myself any more.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:38 AM
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Hi & welcome -- and I'm sorry about the heartache you're going through.
But your actions and decisions are those of a healthy person. And that, you should be happy about. That you were able to disentangle yourself before his addiction started affecting you negatively in a profound way.

You seem to have a pretty clear understanding that his alcoholism is his problem, and not something anyone else can solve for him. You're absolutely right in that. Many of us who ended up in really deep trouble didn't realize that, but were convinced that somehow we had the superpowers to help our loved ones get sober. Rest assured, you haven't missed anything. Love doesn't heal addiction. And when I left the alcoholic I was married to, a friend from Al-Anon told me that "you may just have done him the biggest favor anyone ever will" -- by NOT trying to cushion the consequences from his drinking anymore.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease; without treatment, it only gets worse. As they say in AA -- alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell; it's up to you what floor you want to get off.

As much as it hurts to leave someone you love, you chose to get off fast when you saw where the elevator was going. All I can tell you is that it wouldn't have gotten better, or easier, if you had stayed on. It would have gotten much worse, and harder.

Hugs.
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:39 AM
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You are right, you cannot do this to yourself anymore. Good for you for realizing it before things progressed. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse with time. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you cannot control it. He has to do those things because he wants to, for him.

I encourage you to keep posting, you are not alone. Have you thought about Alanon?

I tell everyone, don't listen to a thing that comes out of an addicts mouth (they mean it alot of times but don't follow through), but look at their actions over the long term, that is where the truth comes in.

Good Luck and God Bless!
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Old 03-24-2014, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by MissAC View Post

So, that is it. I have told him to move out. I can't live like this. I am absolutely heartbroken. We had a great relationship and I loved him very much. Great potential, but alcohol killed it. As it often does.

Any words of understanding would be so helpful. Every minute is a struggle today. He says he will beat it but I can't do this to myself any more.
MissAC, you will find many many people here who are and were in the same situation as you. My heart goes out to you. I have a very good friend in a similar situation which is what brought me to this forum.

IMO you are a very wise woman to say "I can't live like this" and take the steps to NOT live like this. Loving an alcoholic is such a hard road and usually gets much, much worse before it gets better. And there is NO guarantee it will ever get better.

Maybe he can beat it. Let him do so on his own and for his own reasons. Maybe he'll find his way back to AA but that is his decision to make. Live your own life and don't wait for him to beat it.

If love could cure an alcoholic this forum, and others like it, would not exist. ::Hugs:: to you.
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Old 03-24-2014, 09:23 AM
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MissAC, giving you a warm welcome to SR! You've gotten such good advice and thoughts from others already, and I don't have a lot to add. This is such a caring, helpful community, as you can see.

I'd suggest that you spend as much time here as you can reading, and don't miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. There's a lot of info about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it, which will help you make decisions going forward. I think you'll learn a lot here as well as see what happens as the A progresses in his/her addiction.

As others have said, you seem to have a pretty healthy response to the situation, and that puts you miles ahead of where a lot of us were when we first came here. You're wise to say you can't do this to yourself any more.

Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 03-24-2014, 09:53 AM
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You did good by holding to your ultimatum.
And as much as it hurts, you're saving yourself a lifetime of the same, and probably worse. I know it's hard, but you should feel lucky to be out.
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Old 03-24-2014, 10:24 AM
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Anytime I have gotten into any relationship based on someone’s “potential” it’s always a receipt for disaster. If I cannot accept the person for EXACTLY who and how they are today then I really have no business being in a relationship with them at all.
Potential often means - a fixer upper. Someone you can mold, fix, repair and love to the potential you assume they have.

Potential often means – WE don’t “feel” right in a relationship unless there is someone to fix, mend or repair.

Either way this guy has shown you exactly who and how he is. His words of “getting better, getting help” have fallen short because if he truly did want to get help he’d be getting that help. He would not have quit AA and he’d be making it a high priority, which he is not.

You telling him you want him out and that you want to leave this relationship then him telling you he’s going to go get help, then he does for a bit…………..is another cycle in this relationship and one you really don’t want to participate in.
Stand your ground, believe his actions for a long period of time not just his words for today.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:05 AM
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Hi everyone. Thanks so much for your replies and support last month. Things got much much worse as ex had nowhere to go. But finally, after weeks of him drinking heavily, feeling sorry for himself and swearing that every day would be different, he has finally moved out. I feel the most amazing sense of freedom and I understand now how much this impacted on me. I wonder if there are other people who can cope with it....but I am not one of them.

I am looking forward to the future. I hope he gets better, for his sake and that of his family, but I am out.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Potential often means - a fixer upper. Someone you can mold, fix, repair and love to the potential you assume they have.

Potential often means – WE don’t “feel” right in a relationship unless there is someone to fix, mend or repair.
Took me while to accept this, I HAD to be the one in control because he obviously couldnt "Get it together"...wow, talk about manipulation!! It wasnt an easy pill to swallow.

Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Love doesn't heal addiction. And when I left the alcoholic I was married to, a friend from Al-Anon told me that "you may just have done him the biggest favor anyone ever will" -- by NOT trying to cushion the consequences from his drinking anymore.
God, did this one hit a nerve. I know I did my A's more harm than good. But like lillamy mentioned many times over "When you know better, you do better!"

You sound like u are on the right track!!
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:37 AM
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Hi MissAC,

All the best to you, God bless you & guide you to a happy new start. I have been in the same place as you have. The relationship was great at first with so much potential -BUT, the Alcohol killed it, and his using. So, I feel the same as you. All the best to you. Be Blessed. And thank you, as your post this morning verbalized exactly what my heart feels. Xo, Bernadett777
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by MissAC View Post

I am looking forward to the future. I hope he gets better, for his sake and that of his family, but I am out.
woooow!

Go, Girl, Go

Really admire you.
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:04 AM
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Hello and welcome! I think you are doing all the right things. You will hear quite frequently on here and from Alanon, You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, You cannot Cure it. You are right to get away. I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband. It is a life of misery for those around them and it progresses unless they realize for themselves they need help.

Good luck and God Bless!
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:44 AM
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I asked myself this question: even if he got sober, would I want to be with him? The answer was no. My experience of being with an alcoholic is that it erodes your trust, your relationship and your attraction to each other. And Ultimately, your love changes from that of a partner to a carer.

I have cleaned up my last vomit strain from the bathroom wall.
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Old 04-21-2014, 07:52 AM
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Be thankful you,ve only lived together for 4 months and haven,t any kids and aren,t married.

You have made the right decision.


Originally Posted by MissAC View Post
Hi everyone. I am brand new here but reaching out because I need help. My boyfriend and I moved in together a little less than 4 months ago. And in this time he has told me about his addiction to alcohol. Two months on from that first conversation, he had 2 good weeks in total. The rest of the time has been a living nightmare. Finding bottles of vodka in the wardrobe, him going on a 3-day batchelor party and coming back and hitting the booze for a week. Crying, vomiting, begging me not to end our relationship.

He went to AA for 4 weeks. It helped. But then he stopped going.

Well, from the first day he told me I said he had to beat this and that was the only way we could stay together. So, after the weekend, I was away visiting family and he hit the booze again. Big time. He was in the pub with friends and also had a bottle of vodka in his bag when he got home. Crying, vomiting etc.

So, that is it. I have told him to move out. I can't live like this. I am absolutely heartbroken. We had a great relationship and I loved him very much. Great potential, but alcohol killed it. As it often does.

Any words of understanding would be so helpful. Every minute is a struggle today. He says he will beat it but I can't do this to myself any more.
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Old 04-21-2014, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
Be thankful you,ve only lived together for 4 months and haven,t any kids and aren,t married.

You have made the right decision.
I know how lucky I am that we had no ties.....apart from the emotional ones.
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Old 04-21-2014, 09:28 AM
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