About to Send XAH First Direct Angry Email

Old 03-19-2014, 02:39 AM
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About to Send XAH First Direct Angry Email

But before I do, I need to catch my breath and write to you.

Yes, I am mostly no contact. I just exchange emails with him when the children need eye glasses, dental care and shoes.

In the last exchange I did also point out he's been living 3 months in our 6 bedroom house with no housemates while he refuses to pay to get DD7's cavities filled.

Response? I get 3 paragraphs about how hard he's tried to rent rooms but the rental market is bad.

So on a whim I checked out the housing websites he mentions advertising for housemates in and - you got it! He posted the ads March 17, the day he received my email! We have lost $10,000 - $15,000 in potential rental revenue this year while until I find a job, I can't make ends meet in the 22% of his income we receive in alimony/child support. In the meantime someone sent me a photo of a party Xah just held at our house last weekend.

He is maintaining his luxurious lifestyle knowing his children are squeezed in a tiny apartment with me and have holes in their shoes.

Why bother with the email? Because for the first time I can succinctly state what needs stating without feeling terrified or crazy.

I don't think there is any getting through to him but this mother bear will perservere for her children. I want that email to show the court, family and myself the way he is lying and hoarding resources while we go without. Even if no one listens. Wrongs need addressing.

If you all tell me to say nothing I will be disappointed in you. I am sick of being victimized. It has been 18 months since our separation and I am largely over feeling terrified of Xah and his lawyers. No one has helped us, not the doctors, therapists, social workers, family, lawyers or judges.

Our divorce is scheduled for mid May. In the meantime, I am sick of waiting for justice and I don't see why I shouldn't identify the lying and manipulation and financial abuse when I see it.

Rant complete for the moment. Left with overwhelming repulsion, disgust.

Thank you darlings.
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Old 03-19-2014, 02:55 AM
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oh Pippi, how do I feel for you. and the pain of having to look at your kids with having worn out shoes, used clothes, not being able to play sports like the other kids (because paying $40 to play a sport seems like a luxury), being asked if they can go to school activities or other events and having to give stupid, vague answers like "we'll see" and "maybe", knowing full well that it won't happen because there is not enough $ for it and feeling like sh** because you just lied to your kid. dreading birthdays and Christmas for a whole year ahead because you already know that it is going to be close to impossible to pull them off without major disappointments. and which mother wants to disappoint their kid?

I am not going to tell you not to write the letter. I am proud of you for being able to put all this pain into words and send it off in the right direction. it does not matter that our As don't get it. it does not matter that it may or may not change anything. and it is not about us being right and them being wrong.

it is about our kids. our little angels, that get to suffer in all this craziness. they did not deserve this nor did they ask for it. as bad as we as mothers feel, they are the true victims.

so, please, do vent away. you have the right to. and you have earned that right. you have earned it with all those sleepless nights when your kids were sick;with all those times that you went without, just so they can have fun at the fair or with their friends; with all the times you had to do it alone, when all you needed was another adult just to be there.

thank you for the courage. thank you for the empowerment. thank you for being you. thank you for being there for your kids. you and your kids will be in my prayers.

hugs and hope.

pacific
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Old 03-19-2014, 03:02 AM
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Normally I am against this because it is a useless exercise but you have great reasons (especially to show the court) and I believe you are on the right path. Go for it.
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Old 03-19-2014, 04:28 AM
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If it will help you more to write the letter than not to write the letter, I would do it.

My first thought was it will just add fuel to the fire of his selfish "Let's make Pippi suffer"
doing it wouldn't be helping you since from what you've reported, he seems to thrive on
making you, in particular, angry and upset.

But if you feel there may be a documentation payoff when it finally gets to court, that's something else.
If by pointing up the date he listed the property for rent, enumerating the many luxury things he's able to afford, and calling him out on his lies
will actually be useful getting you and the kids a better settlement someday, I certainly would do it.

Then there is the PO factor ("pizzed off" for you neophytes to legal jargon)

You sound like you need to vent this and let him know where you are.
Like you said in your other post, you've become the hero and not the victim in your story now,
and it sounds like you want to warn the bad guy he better shape up or else.
I get that too. Just be strategic when you release information, because you
know his legal team will parse it out to use in their own interests.

So be the smartest angry hero you can possibly be.

I wish I could help you out from my end by carefully keying
each panel of one or more of his expensive cars.
(OK SR police, just joking)

I don't like this guy either and I've never met him.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:26 AM
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Hello Pippi,

My only concern would be that in sending that e-mail, you are 'tipping your hand' as we say. Perhaps write everything up, include his e-mails to you about the rental, print the page from the listing site with the date the ad was placed, include the photo you were sent, all of it....and forward it to the court.

If he knows what you know, it may take away some of the impact that you have with the court because he may be able to manipulate the information some how.

Just something to consider....
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:33 AM
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I'm sorry, Pippi I agree with everything Hawkeye said. Write your letter, just make sure there's nothing in it he can use against you later.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:39 AM
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Wow I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your kids deserve better. I can't give any advice as I am clueless about legal issues but sending a letter with empowerment and not from a needy place is never a bad thing IMO. Read it a few times and make sure there is nothing he can react to other than his own faults.

Big hugs to you.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:41 AM
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I think everyone here knows what you have been through. I don't think sending him an email is going to have one single effect on him. He is such a delusional narcissist that he believes HE is the victim.

Has he been ordered by the Court to rent the rooms?

I would advise that before you have any contact with him you run it by your attorneys first. Sometimes there are reasons to keep your mouth shut. That old saying……"give enough rope to hang himself' is very valid in litigious proceedings.
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:49 AM
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after reading other responses, I agree. I still think that you should write that letter. however, whether to send it or not it should be a different issue. when I responded this am, I failed to realize the possible legal repercussions. so, like everyone said, I would be careful since the courts are involved.

hope this clarification helps. hugs and hope to you and your kids.

pacific
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:13 AM
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I understand the desire to write the letter. I DID write a letter outing wrongs, stating facts and listing what I contributed and what he still OWED me. fair is fair...except in love and war. It took me about a month to draft and was over 6 pages long (single-spaced). I followed up with an email, my dad followed up with calls and letters. The response? Nada. Nil. Nothing. His ego was perversely fed and he then knew the things he needed to justify or improve his lies about. As Hawkeye wrote, "I tipped my hand."

You have the court system to work through. Use it to YOUR advantage. Don't let them think you are the unreasonable, difficult, spoiled ex-wife, sell them the story of the articulate, hard working, do right, nurturing mother. I would use the sympathy card there like no other. IF that means that you are waiting tables in a coffee shop to show how you are trying to make ends meet and your income is still not enough to buy the kids clothes and braces, but he has money to do fancy things x, y, z, I think you make a better case. Court is not about what is fair, court is about how you market yourself using facts. List the facts. All the good you have done, all the bad he has done. Not emotions, facts. Not opinions like this is right, this is wrong, what are the facts? What did the kids have before the split? What do they not have now?

I want you to win, Pippi. For the last several years, appealing emotionally or rationally to your ah hasn't worked. Will it work this time? I doubt it. History says it won't. The letter will give him ammo about you, your desires for $, kids, etc... Don't hand him the blue prints about to how to screw you again.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:34 AM
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Major question as ever . . . WHAT does this do FOR Pippi and the kids?

==================

But yes, I get it.

As you may have witnessed . . . what has (sort of) seemed to work for me (only sort of) is I write the letter, redact personal details, real names, etc. post it here, have folks poke holes in it.

Gets me clear in my mind, and then I send it.

Then she ignores it.

But do what you gotta do. But keep WORKING ON YOU.

My Experience is that ranting at an A will just keep you trapped in their nonsense.
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:24 AM
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I've no advise, I am about to file for divorce and am a mess myself. I just want you to know I am behind you all the way no matter what Pippi!

Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs!
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:11 AM
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Let me preface this with the statement that I recently earned my B.S. in narcissism (lol) through my divorce. Take what you want and ignore the rest, I don't usually give explicit advice. But every word and interaction with an N must be carefully measured.

The narcissist's game stinks and I'd rather not play. BUT, what I do in this case... is write the email I want to write, that I'd send to a rational adult who can look in the mirror and who could be held accountable to humanity. I vent, I rage, I plea.

I set it aside.

Then I write version 2...eliminating my emotion, because that's meaningless and only allows him to feel the control. As far as he's concerned, I don't HAVE any emotions...just like him. I cannot let him ever know what dents my shield. It's strictly business.

Then I write version 3, because I realize I still used too many words and secretly still tried to appeal to his lacking humanity. Less is more. I hate this part because I still want to say more and should be able to!!!

Version 1 is loooong. It's essential for my healing, and to learn how to reduce it to his world. Version 3 can't be more than a paragraph. Anything more than a paragraph is wasted, the courts tire of it, and he's not going to listen anyway. Can't include any emotional words whatsoever (they don't even really understand those).

So...if you must send something... just bluntly state his failure (which will incite rage, most likely, because it's FAILURE).

And never let the anger through. You'll end up upset that you let him see that. I also gave up any use of "hi", "thank you", etc., because I'm not going to thank you for being a minimalist human being. These aren't thank-able events.

Here's a good one for documentation that I'd use here. Remember-- the REAL stuff- when he listed the rental, etc.-- those are documentable outside of this email. You can pull those if needed in court so you don't need them written here. (That's hard for me, I keep hitting myself over the head with this, because things like this are so ridiculous I want to scream them and show him I KNOW he's doing them... but that's for a different satisfaction than winning on my kids' behalf. So I stifle it. You WILL get your validation, but not yet.) It's a long, stupid chess game.

Here goes:

Update

Our children need basic living supplies. Just like last (week/month), they still need x (shoes, clothes). You've sent nothing. Their needs have not changed.

That's the whole email. Seriously.

For tracks, this is clearly letting him know there are needs so he can't claim ignorance. Not asking him what he'll do, because he's not going to do anything anyway and you don't need to tell him what to do. A responsible adult KNOWS what to do and will do it. An a$$ won't.

He will likely send you a verbose email back full of vague untruths that you feel the need to defend on paper. Think carefully about that too. In many case you don't want to respond. (And you'll be pretty darn angry, but that's okay. He's crazy. It's not you.)

PM me if you want to talk. I've been playing this game for 18 months. And I'm gearing up for yet another war...
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:55 AM
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Don't do it, Pippi. Seriously, just don't.
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Old 03-19-2014, 08:56 AM
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I'm a lawyer. I want my clients to minimize their exposure. I want you to look reasonable and not crazy. I want you to save your surprises for the courthouse.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:20 AM
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1) Don't do it.

2a) If you have to do it, do what Praying said.
2b) But reconsider sending it and what purpose it serves.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:04 AM
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Thank you everyone, truly.

I am heading out to the pool where the soothing waters will restore me.

I have written and rewritten and sent - nothing.

More soon.

With enormous gratitude to you, my people,

Pippi
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:22 AM
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This is what I love about this forum. My initial reaction was to keep it non-emotional and factual. Then after reading through these posts from people more experienced (even a lawyers view!) what is best for YOU is more clear.

Write and rewrite and rewrite. But don't send. Get to a point where you have the facts in writing for the court to review. Run it by your attorney. Take a screen shot of that rental ad and keep it as evidence. Keep the party picture. Keep every bill for the kids. Have all of this and be prepared to present it at court.

Fact is: your Ex already knows the facts. You're not telling him anything new in this email, but as others have said, you may be tipping your hand. Don't give him the opportunity to do damage control ahead of time.
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Old 03-19-2014, 06:42 PM
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I doubt an email will produce glasses, shoes and dental care. I hope you have other options to get those covered. I'm happy for you that you are at peace with your decision!
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:15 PM
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Here is what you can do and literally kill 2 birds with one stone.

Write up the whole email, be as factual as you can, include the pics sent to you, list everything he has been screwing your kids over for etc

Get all that anger out in a logical way in the email.

Then address the email TO THE COURT, and print it out to be put into your file for the next court date.

This way, the truth will now be in black and white (as long as you use black ink to print it and white paper, rofl)

This way, you will rid yourself of that 'self justified anger' to a degree and you will be able to go on.

This is all going to come back and bite him in his ass big time, unfortunately it will not be in yours or our time, but will be in HPs time and oh is he going to get one hell of a very rude awakening.

You did good coming here, venting here, and allowing others to take some of this current burden (of anger and rage) from you.

Sending you some extra prayers this evening.

Love and hugs,
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