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Old 11-30-2013, 01:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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You know how to tell if an alcoholic is lying?

You know how to tell if an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving. I'll never forget those words--they came from my AH's drug and alcohol counselor. I believe my AH is once again trying to getting sober, after relapsing shortly after exiting inpatient rehab. But how am I to trust him again? And how does he not realize that I know about his dishonesty and manipulation since he exited rehab?

We are currently separated and there is a Protection Order because of his behavior, which also limits communication between us. While this is a good thing, he constantly abuses it by texting me regarding our relationship etc. We are only to communicate to arrange supervised visits of our daughter. I could easily tell him off, prove him wrong, point out his lies and manipulation, but I want to stick to the protection order. I wonder if he thinks I am falling for any of it.

While I am happy that he is currently trying to get sober again, he has constantly proven to me that he cannot be trusted. Why doesn't he see that? His most recent obsession is whether or not I am dating someone. He has hacked my online accounts, followed me online etc. I received notification of it last week and had him blocked. He of course takes that as guilt and again assumes I am dating through the internet. I guess it is easier for him to believe that something other than his drinking and lying ended our marriage.

Since he exited rehab on 11/19, he has repeatedly lied, trespassed and used my parents' vacant home as a hang out, left (or gotten kicked out of) the clean and sober house that his parents were paying for, phished around for information from my friends and family and the internet (by hacking my accounts) to find out if I have a boyfriend, which I don't, asked me to drop the protection order, violated the protection order in a variety of ways, begged me to let him come home by telling me he was living in his truck (which he wasn't), failed to show up to sign refinance paperwork on our house, lied to me and his family and friends about where he would be on Thanksgiving and blew off his family's Thanksgiving, and the list goes on...

Call me crazy...but I am starting to think his counselor was right.
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:46 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Speaking from the alcoholic side. If it somehow threaten my drinking I was lying
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Don't try to apply regular human normie logic to his actions, it will just drive you nuts. He doesn't see that you can't trust him because he doesn't want to. Period.

You're doing well by limiting engagement despite what appear to be outrageous breaches of the protection order. I am so sorry he is putting you through this. Whether he is "attempting sobriety" or not, it seems like his focus isn't anywhere near where it should be if he really wants to recover. It sounds like he just really wants all the pieces in his life back in place where they were before so that he doesn't actually have to change. He is amping it all up because you, strong soul that you are, aren't falling for it.

You do you. Let him do him. Sending you strength and patience and hugs.
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:58 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
It sounds like he just really wants all the pieces in his life back in place where they were before so that he doesn't actually have to change.
Very well said, thank you.
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Old 11-30-2013, 03:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Report his violations of the protection order. Why continue the enabling by allowing him to avoid the consequences of his actions?

Your friend,
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Old 11-30-2013, 03:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I expect my A lies without saying anything, lies in his sleep, lies while brushing his teeth, sitting in traffic, petting the cat. If he is still breathing, he's still lying.
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Old 11-30-2013, 05:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Report his violations of the protection order. Why continue the enabling by allowing him to avoid the consequences of his actions?
I'm with Mike. If you're not reporting him you're compromising the protection order. What is holding you back? (I mean that as in what is your thinking on that?)

Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-30-2013 at 07:34 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 11-30-2013, 06:37 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Report his violations of the protection order. Why continue the enabling by allowing him to avoid the consequences of his actions?

Your friend,
I would enforce the order AND tell them he's hacking your inter web connections too.
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Old 12-01-2013, 01:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hello SpouseRecovery,

Quote:
But how am I to trust him again?
Quote:
he has constantly proven to me that he cannot be trusted. Why doesn't he see that?
I don't know that I would trust him. His behavior has shown you that you can't. He will need to earn your trust, and even then, your decision may be that it is too little too late. But that is entirely up to you. The manipulations of an active alcoholic are all directed toward protecting the drinking.

Quote:
he constantly abuses it by texting me regarding our relationship etc.
Again, this is entirely up to you, but I would report any and all violations of the protection order as others have suggested. Please also make sure that ALL of your on-line passwords have been changed: e-mail, on-line banking, facebook, twitter, etc. His hacking into your accounts is against the law, and I hope you have kept a record of all incidents of this. I hope that his breaking into your parents vacation home was also reported to the police.

Please do everything you can to stay safe. Your husband sounds like an increasingly desperate and dangerous man. You and your little one are in my prayers.
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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if you do NOT report each and every violation of the PO it is meaningless.
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