TigersFoundMe

Although I'm in the beginning stages of learning about my boyfriend's addiction to alcohol, it's clear to me that I will likely benefit from attending Al-Anon meetings. Yet, I don't want to let him know that's where I'm going.

I'm worried that he'll think it's stupid. I'm worried that he'll get mad and take offense. I'm worried that I'll be the butt of jokes with his friends. He has a history of perceiving my worries as overreactions and dramatics... I feel very vulnerable about going to an Al-Anon meeting and a negative reaction from him could really hurt my feelings. He is also in total denial about his addiction.

Is there a way to tell him that won't make him feel that he needs to respond defensively? How can I explain this to him in a compassionate way?

Raider

I don't know. I think I would tell him. Not making a judgement here, but he doesn't sound like a very nice man. Good luck to you.

Dee74

Sometimes we have to do what we know is right for us, regardless of how our loves ones react.

I'm sure you'll find a lot of stories here from people who had little or no support at home - you've probably read some already - all the more reason to seek it out and find that support at AlAnon

D

LadyinBC

I posted in your other thread Tigers.

This is exactly what us alcoholics count on. You are more worried about how we are going to react than what is best for YOU. That is how we suck you in. We manipulate you and before you know it, we make you think that the problem is yours and that you are the problem. Next thing that goes is your self-esteem.

I just want to give you a big hug and then shake you and say get out now please! And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Do not settle for someone who won't even meet you half way. As much as you want to, you can't fix us. We have to do that on our own.

foolsgold66

Take a look at that word you used to describe him. Boyfriend. Boy-friend. If the friend part is by any means correct, he may not like it, and may try to convince you otherwise, but should ultimately support you doing what you think is right for YOU.

You already know that's not how it's going to go down.

The high road is not always the easiest to live with short-term, but it's usually the one that causes the least pain and regret long-term.

You seem like a caring, compassionate, intelligent person. If your description is accurate you are not being dramatic, you are describing an addicted person, just as many of us are, and you likely need help whether he is ready for any or not.

Tell him and go.

BoxinRotz

And you want to spend your life with this guy?

BoxinRotz

^^^This

and

^^^This...

Just doesn't make sense. The relationship is right for you yet you need outside help in the way of AlAnon. A good relationship doesn't send a partner looking for help to deal and cope. Now lets not get it twisted, you do need AlAnon but do you really need this from him? Do you not feel you deserve better for yourself and your future? This guy is not your husband. If he were, I would be more willing to respect the sanctity of the marriage but it just isn't there for me. I would like to see you want more for yourself than settle for this alcoholic who would laugh at you with his buddies because you need AlAnon because he's a drunk in DENIAL.

BoxinRotz

Can someone please talk some sense into me?!

You know it's gonna hurt right? I mean, really... the truth hurts.

FeelingGreat

Hi Tigers, you know you don't have to respond to his mockery, or anger, or defensiveness don't you? You can just not react. If you tell him, getting into explanations and apologies is just wasted breath. Think about the worst he and his friends can say, and if it doesn't happen, that's a bonus.
All this is supposing there is no threat of violence or abuse. If there is, you are better off leaving.

lillamy

Babe, You say he has a habit of telling you that you are overreacting and being oversensitive. That's textbook alcoholism "stinking thinking" - there's nothing wrong with HIM, and whenever you have feelings, they're wrong.

That's the disease defending itself. Saying "I will do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't stop me from getting the next drink."

I never told AXH I was going to Alanon. He would have done everything in his might to stop me, because he knew that I would become a healthier person there, and a healthier person would not have put up with his put-downs and abuse

dandylion

Tiger--I beg you to listen to the voices of experience, here. If you notice--most of these people have been around for a good while. They can "see around the corners" on this---because the lessons they have learned are from the pain that they have endured and the countless rivers of tears that they have shed. More than anything, they would like to save you from the kind of suffering they endured.

We have your welfare at heart. Your boyfriend has his own welfare at heart. He sounds exactly like a typical alcoholic---and I can promise you that before this is over--he will mop the kitchen floor with you---unless you stand up for what is best for you.

The best thing for you would be to take the attitude: "If he gets mad--fine--he can stay mad until he gets glad. Either that--or end it all together.

Hon--you sound really young. You still have a chance for a great life. You can do better--you deserve better than this in life.

Do what is best for you--and go to that alanon meeting--and take back your self-esteem and power. Get to k now yourself better!
Good luck.

very sincerely,
dandylion

SparkleKitty

Tigers, please re-read your original post in this thread, but pretend a stranger wrote it. Or that your sister or best friend said it you.

What would you say to them?

RollTide

TigersFoundMe,

I was so worried about pleasing my XAH and trying to be, say, do what he wanted that I lost "me" somewhere in the insanity. There were phrases that I used which he did not like so I quit saying them. I couldn't say I "loved" something...that song, that house...etc. because I was supposed to love only him. I quit being me. I thought if I did everything the way he wanted and was the perfect wife that he would surely stop drinking and see how much I loved him. I lost my soul trying to please him.

In the end I remembered what it was like to be me and I wanted it back. I filed for divorce and started taking care of me. My life is much better now that I am away from the madness.

I do recommend AlAnon. It and this forum helped me tremendously.

HealingWillCome

It sounds like you've already answered your own question. If you're worried about all the things you've listed, it probably won't matter what tone you use. Deep down you know the truth about how he'll respond.

Go for yourself and don't worry about what he or his friends think. LadyinBC gave you a gem of insight. Please believe her. You will be manipulated as long as you allow it. And I say this gently because I've been there. We lose ourselves and don't even realize it. Please go, and unless you're worried for your physical safety, don't worry about what he or his friends think. You are worth it. We care about you here.

readerbaby71

This is a great way to realistically see what's going on in your situation, Tigers. Why should you be worried about what he thinks of you going to Alanon? If he teases or yells or whatever, walk away. Don't respond.

You don't even have to tell him you're going if you don't want to. I didn't tell my bf until after I went a few times, and he seemed puzzled. He said, "are you going because of me?" I said, "partly, but I'm going for myself." Apparently my bf talked to his therapist about it and he explained that I was doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. Honestly, I was skeptical of 12-step programs but going to Alanon really sparked a bunch of light-bulb moments for me and I was able to see the situation in a whole new light.

Luckily my BF is not abusive or nasty at all, but he's at a different point in his recovery. He knows and admits he has a problem and is working to change it. He also knows that if he yelled or laughed at me for going his ass would be kicked to the curb in a hot minute.

Anyway, please take care of yourself. Do what you need to do for YOU right now, and let him go on his merry way, drinking and acting like an ass if that's what he chooses to do. You deserve a better life and the only way you're going to get it is by taking care of YOU. NO ONE should be demeaned and treated badly. You are a human being with feelings, and he obviously does not respect that at all.

Wishing you much love, healing and strength. You will get through this. xo

Aeryn

Well I'm sure this is contrary to most of the other posts (I didn't read them all) but I don't see why you need to tell him anything. My XAH lied and lied and lied so when I finally went to Al anon (I was still living with him at the time) I simply didn't tell him, I didn't see a need to nor did I think it was his business. He was in the throes of a disease one which cannot handle truths and one which was very selfish. Normal rules of relationships and marriage did not apply. I told him eventually but it was during a time where he was going to AA and trying to get sober (one of a million tries)...bottom line is with active addiction my opinion was I was my number one priority and needed to do what I needed to do without a endless circular argument with an active A which in the end he would likely not even remember. So I would just say "I'm going out." Period. We didn't have kids so no other explanation was needed...he got over it. And when I later did tell him he was angry for a while but he got over it..and if he didn't that was too bad, I did what I needed for me at the time.

Yurt

Thank you Aeryn and Lillamy for stating that it is not absolutely necessary to tell our A that we are going to Al Anon. I have been struggling with this, and the consensus on the forum seemed to be that I should. Consequently, I have only made it to one meeting. Not very many opportunities in our area anyway, but I may just go after work, and then tell him after the fact. My AH does not believe that he has a drinking problems, so I know I will get some flack over it, but I know that I need this.

Booo

One thing I have learned the hardway, alcoholics and narcissits CANNOT tolerate the fact that you might be doing something for YOUR own benefit. The world cannot do anything but orbit around THEM. My narcisisc xbf wanted a damn tracer on me when ever i left the house. Once i went to a women's group overnight retreat--a women's group with a few mutual friends of ours. He could not STAND it---actually asked if he could come as an "honorary" woman. He was so afraid that HE would come up in the course of the conversations/workshop. (this was not a workshop about HIM for crying out loud, yet he was convinced that it MUST BE)
The fact that you are doing this for YOU is bound to tick him off.
how dare you!

The fact that it is beause of his behaviour (as well as yours) will irritate him because he may be convinced that he is
a) perfect or
b) without a drinking problem.
well--too bad. Even if he is RIGHT--
You are doing this FOR YOU because you are worth it YOU think you need it and GOOD for YOU that you went. Damn good for you!

BoxinRotz

God damn... I would have so dressed him up as the ugliest bitch and put a set of hills on him. Lipstick... Oh hell yes! I want that 5o'clock shadow rockin too. Why am I having so much fun with this in my head? lol

AnvilheadII

I'm worried that he'll think it's stupid. I'm worried that he'll get mad and take offense. I'm worried that I'll be the butt of jokes with his friends. He has a history of perceiving my worries as overreactions and dramatics... I feel very vulnerable about going to an Al-Anon meeting and a negative reaction from him could really hurt my feelings. He is also in total denial about his addiction.

Is there a way to tell him that won't make him feel that he needs to respond defensively?

WOW you give him a LOT of power! why is he what he says, thinks, does, or how he chooses to react MORE important than what YOU think, feel, need, or do???? remember this is the guy who came home so blotto'd he could barely stand! i'm not sure i'd want him driving my bus?

don't make it a big deal. just go to a meeting! you do not need his permission. does he ask for yours???