amy55

I am a DV survivor. I searched for help from many places. I wanted validation. I wanted to feel cared about. I wanted my voice to finally be heard, I wanted to feel that I was Ok.

You see, I never knew what Domestic Violence/Abuse was. Maybe I grew up with that, and I was just use to it, maybe I thought it was an adjustment I had to make to me with another person. You know, the normal stuff, you need to compromise, need to work things out.

My dad used to tell me all the time that I was fat, and stupid. I weighed 115, and my grades were all A's but my sisters were 100 lbs, and A+ students. I was told I should go to Omar the tentmaker for my clothes. That's how I grew up, fat and stupid !!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't know any better. I found someone that actually loved me for me (or so I thought). So I married him.

I have children with him, but he is just getting worse and worse, but I look at my childhood and I was never happy then either, so I guess it's just me. He is hitting me, he is calling me names, it hurts, it hurts so bad, but I try and try and try to be the best wife ever. It's not working. I'm always wrong, there is something always wrong with me, so I keep trying to fix things, and fix some more.

But I'm still not right, so I go searching for answers, and I have children now. I tell my story. I don't know anymore, right from wrong, I just want to find out if my feelings are right, that's all I want to know. I have reached the end of my rope, I am just done with everything. I'm not happy. At times I can't wait to go to sleep, but I hate getting up again, same old, same old.

I finally reach out and try to get some help for myself. I tell my story, I feel good that I finally reached out and got my story out, and then I hear, I would call CPS on you, I would call DYFS on you.

So I shut down again. I thought I would get help, now I am being accused just like my H accuses me. I guess I am a bad person, I now am too embarrassed to reach out again.

I really thought I could have some understanding and help. I love my children. They are my life, but I'm the bad person, my husband is right.

Might as well just put up with this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know me here, this might be part of my story not all of it. I know children are important, but I beg, I plead, when a newcomer comes on do not use the children. We do know things aren't right, but a lot of times our heads are so messed up from our past that we are actually asking for validation of our feelings, because we don't know if our feelings are right.

We want to better ourselves, but we are afraid, we need support, compassion and understanding. Please don't attack us. We are listening, that's why we came here. Something didn't feel right with us, so we were seeking help. We may say that we want to stay in our situation, that we are just looking for ways to improve it. We may be still trying to fix our situation. We don't have experience. We are reaching out to you, because we don't know what to do anymore. Please be compassionate. It was hard enough for us to write this. We are in pain. We are confused. We need help!!!!!!!

I came looking for help, please help me.

Disclaimer, this is not my story but it is the story of many people coming here looking for help.


PLEASE HELP ME TO GET MY OXYGEN MASK ON SO THAT i CAN HELP MY KIDS

Seren

Thank you, Amy.

dandylion

Amy, I want to thank you for this post, also!! This is a message that really needs to be heard, in my opinion.

After all, if we drive someone away from the door--how have we helped them? We may have missed a window of opportunity to change a life--or lives.

I know that, at times, it is entirely appropriate to give difficult feedback--but, I would suggest that we all remember this saying from AA (I think)....

"SAY WHAT YOU MEAN; MEAN WHAT YOU SAY; BUT, DON'T SAY IT MEAN!!

This alone, would cover a lot of situations.

dandylion

BlueSkies1

There are threads Amy, that I think you are our resident expert on. I rarely take part in them. I may read them. Mostly I sit back and watch you do your magic.
This one brought tears to my eyes.
I think we all have to realize the gravity, the seriousness, of some threads.
Let Amy do her magic. Watch, and learn.

Sadconfused

Thank you!

(((hugs)))

Flicka57

Amy:
Thank you for reminding all of us how serious this can be and none of us should ever lose our compassion, our caring and to speak out and always do the right thing!

amy55

Thank you to everyone who has read this.

I didn't have young children when I left, my children were already in college, or on their own. It was hard enough for me to post and to ask for help. Even though I had no children, some of the responses to me made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid to ask for help, I stopped posting there and further isolated myself.

Just know that it wasn't this forum that I first joined. I find SR to be the best.

hopeful4

I agree that SR is the best. I stayed off for so long but it was out of shame for not following through with my own conditions. Don't know why it kept me away as everyone here is going through very similar situations and I don't ever feel judged, just kept myself busy judging myself! I am so happy to have this forum as you tend to isolate yourself when going through a hard time and it gets lonley for sure.

God Bless!

amy55

hopeful, it is a very difficult process. It sometimes takes many times of leaving to stay out. I got the T shirt on that one. I isolated a lot. I was afraid of being judged, even when no one was judging me, I felt I had to move things along their time line, not my own, or they would be disappointed with me. (Who was the they, or their? sometimes it does become the forum, that you are not doing all the things suggested). You get into these situations and you try to become a people pleaser. It's like you lose your own mind. You just want someone to be happy that you did what they wanted you to do. Would you believe I would lie to my therapist, so that she would think that I was doing OK??????

From the first time, or maybe the 10th time I knew I had to get out, it still took me another 8 years. I had no one to talk to really during that time. It was only the last year that I was still in that I started to talk to people, who just loved me for who I was, accepted any decision I made, that I finally left.

hopeful, I am here for you also. (((((((((hugs))))))))))) You are no longer alone.

Seren

bump

amy55

I am bumping this again today. Whether a persons issue is alcoholic partner or abusive partner, I still think it is applicable.

ladyscribbler

I lurked on here for three or four months before I got the courage to join, and that wasn't until after I left. I saw the responses given to people who were in similar situations and was frankly daunted. I knew I needed to leave, but I had no place to go, no family nearby (his family would only take us in for a few grudging days before he sent flowers or made a half-assed apology and they forced us out). I was terrified of reaching out. I needed help and support, not personal attacks on me, my parenting and my choices. Those last few months before I left, I was so low I contemplated suicide almost daily; I didn't need internet strangers to tell me I was worthless, a bad mom, etc.
Those of us on the other side need to remember what it was like before we reached out for help and started making changes.
I am also an ACoA, so I understand all about triggering in some of these posts where children and major denial are involved. But if we scare people off with a massive dose of "tough love" and even out and out threats (calling CPS/ASPCA/whatever acronym) after their first couple of posts, then that suffering will continue unabated, though that was not the intention.

amy55

Thank you Ladyscribbler. I didn't know if this would be received well right now. I did bump it only because sometimes we do scare off the newcomers. Not all, but some, I just think the ones that are scared off, are the ones that are the most in need of help and support.

amy55

Let me continue with what I had originally started

As a newcomer, I am here looking for validation, looking for a place to talk and feel safe, would really like to vent also. You see, I have been in my situation for so long, I only know what I am use to. I don't have any tools to work with, except for the tools that I am currently working with, and I know that they aren't working, so I am coming here to seek knowledge, but I may be slow at times, you see, the way I have been doing things, well, it's kinda ingrained in me. Perhaps since childhood, perhaps my many years of marriage. I may be in denial at times, but sometimes, I think, not that much, since why would I be seeking out help, if I thought I knew everything.


Please don't condemn me for what I am doing, it's the only thing that I know. It may take me a while, but I am looking for friends and support, you see, I have none. I have isolated myself so much, I have no one to talk to.

amy55

You see, I don't trust easy, it's not easy for me to trust anymore. Please don't hurt me. I need more then ever just a shoulder right now. I am not saying that I don't want to learn, I am just saying that I need someone to lean on tonight. I am trying to trust again. I am trying to live again. Just needed a little gentle push in the right direction and someone to hold me up till I can hold myself up again.

This is my prayer.

EmmyG

Thank you, Amy!!!!!!!!

I could have written every word of that. When I first posted here over four years ago, I would never have imagined I'd be in my own apartment at this point. I don't believe I could have gotten this strong without SR. Several times I posted here, then left for a long time because I just wasn't ready. But I lurked and kept reading, wanting to believe my situation would be different. Even now, I am very sensitive to being judged, especially when it comes to my children. It's very important to tread lightly and be understanding.

wanttobehealthy

I'm not sure I would say that anyone is "using" the kids to try and make anyone feel bad here ...

I know that had people here not pointed out (bluntly and even harshly at times) that my kids -- young kids without voices-- were being harmed by my staying put and tolerating the status quo I would have continued to stay and tolerate it and my kids would be way worse than they are.

I was abused as a kid, then abused by my AH and long before he touched our kids they were being harmed by him by my being there.

I was once one of those newcomers who got told some tough things that I did not like one bit but the fact that I stayed and kept reading was bc I knew they were right.

I hope somehow we can have there be a happy medium here where we support one another but also speak honestly.

After reading your post though I think I do need to think about ways to do a better job of expressing that happy medium here to newcomers.

I just feel strongly that young kids have no choice about their environment and the sober parent kind of does have an obligation to keep them safe.

amy55

Thanks, and I agree with you.

It's just when someone is a newcomer, sometimes this frightens the person off, then what did we actually do. We stopped support to a person that really needs it. I wasn't aware of the damage I was doing to my children, but I would have ran like hell if someone mentioned calling cps on me. I would have thought they got my computer address, they know where I am.

I would have stopped asking for advice.

I know that I am not always right, no one is, but that was my experience. I stopped seeking online support or any support because I further isolated myself then I previously did. I thought if people online thought I was a bad mother then I am a bad mother. I wanted to hide the dynamics of it even further.

I strongly feel if the person who is asking for support is given a lifeline, a support system, someone they can trust, they will do what they need to do to help themselves and their children.

Even after separation and divorce a child is not protected. But at least the mother is stronger if she was allowed to get her "oxygen mask" on first.

JMHO

MissFixit

In my experience, I needed to hear what I did not want to hear and wasn't ready to hear many MANY times for YEARS before it could sink in. I needed to hear the non-sugar coated reality of what my situation was because I was so adept at minimizing it and justifying things that were wrong. I needed to hear from others that what I thought was acceptable was actually unacceptable. I needed those seeds planted. When I was ready to listen, I already had that information swirling around in my head, so I could say to myself, "oh, that is what so and so meant."

amy55

And you may be right. My own background is all abusive. I didn't know what was right or wrong. In the back of my mind I didn't feel right, but I didn't know what it was. First I really needed to get "me" back, because I wasn't there anymore, I was kind of brainwashed. I knew things weren't right, but I didn't know what "right" was. I had to become "me" again, before I could offer the oxygen mask to another.

I was also into minimizing, justifying, denying. My ex could have killed me, and I would still have been doing the same thing. "Why", there are many reasons that you can't leave. My biggest problem I guess is that you got married, you don't get divorced, you work things out. I was raised that way.

Even though I quit that forum that I was reading then, "verbal abuse", I still to this day go back there, because I knew something was wrong. I just didn't participate in it. Just wished people happy birthdays.

I just really think that first, you need to get the persons trust. If it is an extreme case of abuse, then yell out, get the h3ll out of there. If not help them build there own self esteem, confidence, self awareness, they are mothers they will watch out for their children.

Then you have to think of the court system. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to protect your child, most likely they will get some kind of custody. So you feel defeated there. You feel like it is better if you stay, this way you can protect your child 100% of the time, but your not free, your children aren't free, you just aren't there to watch them.

So to me, what is the answer here? Mine would be to build up the person that is not an alcoholic so that they can do the best for their child.