chicory

IrisGardens,
thank you for sharing. I am so glad you got medical help, because it will no doubt help you in everything. sometimes we have to invest in our health, in order to be strong enough to manage our plans.

my best thoughts to you,
hugs
chicory

irisgardens

Thanks for this thread seren. It has already saved me as I dealt with getting the meds the doctor prescribed and I had an insurance lapse (paperwork for COBRA either didn't come or I didn't see it in my stress). Two days on meds and doctor says if lucky will feel better in 2 weeks and if not...3-4 weeks with additional. I have not been this stressed, depressed or anxious since I went through my 2nd child 12 or 13 years ago...so glad I called the doctor...glad he has been with me for 19 years since I started to go down really from the stress of all.

I hope I didn't put any one off from posting...right now have a dd who is addicted to heroin (5 years) and have been dealing with a lot else...and just praying and meditating and asking my higher power for help and took the doctor step (tried to get through it without extra meds for 6 weeks...so grateful I had the courage to ask for help)--thanks to support from a friend...so all helpful.

I have allowed this last no contact since June 23rd--so 4 months but it is hard...but have so much else on the plate that can't think straight or figure out what to do.

This thread is so very helpful...so I simply ask that everyone keep posting...it provides me with support, es&h which I have lost with my codependency relapse. I tend to blame myself for things...but I don't think all of it could be me...so my therapist is working with me...first time with codependency/addiction therapist and I am going and trying to hear what she has to say.

Going to naranon meetings weekly although they are probably not enough but what I can do this week. Listing suggestions in writing that might work for me when I feel better.

God bless everyone who posts here...and gratitude going your way...I am just reminding myself that it is one minute at a time...and that I need to turn over all (not just one or two things) to my HP (my name is God) and to cling to faith and to the kindness here, in my naranon meeting, from those who are able.

I think that after 3 active addict children...I have really hit a bottom...and it is discouraging but keeping on.

Seren

Sending Saturday hugs to all the Parents, step-Parents, and Grandparents!

Well....things are moving along at an exciting clip here in our corner of the world. We have received word that my stepson's two (half) brothers are on their way to his town to pick him up and bring him home with them.

Yeah.....

I know.

Mr. S and I have no idea what is going on, really. We don't know if he is in withdrawal at the moment (and about to undertake a 5 hour car ride). We don't know what the plan is when they bring him back to their hometown. But that really is their business since they are all adults.

Well, I guess there is a lot we don't know, but we have always gone to be with him if he has been in the hospital, and no one is talking to us....so we worry that he might be in pretty bad shape right now. We know he has been drinking and we know that his appearance has been described as 'puffy and yellow'.

And we work on letting it go.

Seren

Irisgardens You really have been through quite a bit. Please come here and vent and talk to us any time

dandylion

Seren..right now, my heart is going out for you and your husband. I know how hard this is....letting go because that is all you can do.
I'm in the same kind of situation. Loving from a distance.

I just want you to know and that I understand, and I am thinking about you.

Please let us know if you learn anything more definitive.

dandylionf

irisgardens

Seren...thank you for posting...we are in the same situation with our current active addict...no idea where she is...and no one is talking to the addict right now; she is the one who goes no contact and although it is hard...we have all realized it is because she is manipulating (in separate situations)...3 adult children who have struck boundaries (for now) and another who has come back to live with us (20) as he is going to school and working and we have always allowed that.

Husband back from Chile--business commitment finished...no money...I need to continue looking for work and he needs to start. Am stressed. However it is good to hug husband.

Working my program as hard as I can...this week need to do paperwork for COBRA (can afford the two months (barely) and then will need to take another step.

Seren

The attempt by my husband's two stepsons has, unfortunately, failed. They brought their half-brother (my husband's son) to live with one of them with hopes that he would be supported to not drink, find and keep a job, and then get a place of his own surrounded by a tight-knit and loving community.

Not long after "Jr." arrived, he began drinking again. They found a bottle of booze in his backpack. For some reason we did not find this out from them until just a couple of days ago. *sigh* Addiction does thrive in secrecy.

The young man has until tomorrow to move out. This was pretty much his last bridge to burn. Although he may now try to get the older of his two brothers to allow him to move in.

Can't control any of this, and we are just dealing with the hurt of the secrecy--as if we either couldn't handle the truth or they are just mad because they believe we did not do enough.

Oh well....

chicory

I am sorry Seren. This stuff could just eat you alive, if you did not have the knowledge and understanding that you do.

I hope that things improve, and that your son faces his problem , asap.

chic

Seren

Well, thank you, chicory! It is the same story that he plays out over and over again. Until he decides to choose another story, it will keep playing out over and over again. The other sad truth is that he is in a tiny town without many resources. There isn't even a Salvation Army Adult Rehab facility near him. I'm not sure what his next move will be, but it is his move to make.

dandylion

Seren....I completely understand the ache and pain of another disappointment.

I look at the brothers' "secret" in another way. I'll bet that they were acting out of compassion, and perhaps a lot of disappointment for themselves.
By now, they surely know how much all of this stuff hurts your all's hearts. They probably didn't want to tell you until they "had" to!
We often tell people, around here..."tell your friends, etc. not to bring you news of what he is doing!"

Also, maybe the brothers are embarrassed/disappointed to report that their efforts also failed.

Seren, I am sure that the whole family is hurting. This is what happens..if affects everyone in the family in one way or another.
Your other sons must care, or they probably wouldn't have "tried", at all.
This shows love and family values...(at least, to me..looking from the outside).

We cannot ever predict somebody else's bottom. I sure found this out the hard way.
I have also learned that "help" from the family (about the addictions) seldom works out.
(except for very transitory help in some ways).
It looks, to me like they use the help from outside sources when they are really serious about taking their own responsibility.

I once had a psychoologist...who had also worked as a social worker for troubled and abused youth...and, was a recovering alcoholic, himself for several years....tell me:
"I have never seen an alcoholic reach recovery while living in their father's house".
I have never forgotten that statement....and, all my observations on this have proven it to be true.....so far...LOL!

I am sooo sorry for the pain, Seren. He is still young (for this disease). There is still hope.

dandylion

Seren

Oh believe me, Miss Dandy, we had absolutely no expectations about my stepson's recovery. We hoped for the best but prepared for the worst. We even filled that branch of the family in on certain pieces of the young man's history that they did not yet know. We hoped they might understand exactly what they were taking on and not be too disappointed if it did not work out. They are all adults and the decisions and actions rest with them.

I always have hope that someday my stepson will decide that his drinking has to stop.

Perhaps the realization that this was his 'last bridge' will bring about some sort of change, but I can't count on that. It is all very, I don't know, depressing...and sad.

dandylion

Seren....yes, it IS so depressing and sad to see them still in such denial. I know.
I think that the uninitiated don't "get it" (until they get burned), because the usual logic follows that for a non-alcoholic--a person that just needs a helping hand during a downturn in their luck. They don't, yet, know that dealing with an alcoholic turns the usual rules for relationships on it's head.

Some of the most inspiring people I have known were alcoholics who sought recovery in their later life......and, they had some horror stories to tell about their younger years....LOL!

dandylion

irisgardens

sorry seren that husband's boys efforts didn't work. from reading your posts, i get the impression that this has been going on for some time...enough for you to perceive the pattern of each effort...and the ensuing feelings of those who have tried to help without effect.

things have escalated for me since my last post in the family attitude area...as well as husband wo when i stood up yesterdat (have been and speaking calm until he provokes me to the point where i get scared and raise voice)--e,g,, does not ask me for help and when things go bad--he was caught this week having stolen a dmv sticker and driving with suspended license, and i finally...next day got two job interviews for next week and he changed his story 3-4 times in the past few days...but truth is that instead of working together with me to resolve those barriers...he had been helping my 20 year old son find a car with son's money, did not allow me to ask son to contribute to expenses, and more--all isolating actions for me that are keeping meds from working enough.

so, i am clear that i have no family support--1 husband, 5 kids--2 ex addicts i helped and 1 active--all adults. funny--one therapist called them selfish and self absorbed back in july when she was working with me to set some boundaries--and as things have gotten worse and progressed, i know that my support must come from here, my naranon group, therapists (have a better one now but today was last day because cobra too expensive and switched to state insurance which is another system to learn as well).

i did reach out to one brother who offered me $30.blog if i would write them--i took 3 just to make sure i don't let him down...and just walked to library to start. I do not come from an emotionally intelligent family, but this and a deeper spiritual awakening were part of my healing after losing a child to SIDS 24 years ago--and since much more,

I have been able to/crying a lot since 1/1 after going through a suicidal period--but am on my feet again--even if i have to be very deliberate, make to do lists, read my literature, come here, and sometimes to a parents of addicts site--although that is very hard sometimes.

I have reached out to 3 friends where the ties were broken when i went to so. america with husband, but i need to be careful what i say--and to tell the truth--i always wonder if it truly is my fault...although 13 years ag when dad died--i felt that with only mom left...i was unloveable and until reaching these new bottoms...had made great progress.

Well, i wish i was more black and white in nature, but it has always been so hard for me to understand that no matter how much i have given--i will be judged and left when i am struggling.

I am going to start working on this blog and just write--my naranon sponser reassured me last night that the abuse is not my imagination which made me weep with gratitude as that is what most of the family is saying--that or i am crazy or speaking without respect. Therapist told me it is too late for adult kids--that i have become the chosen scapegoat--and that the blame and anger will very likely last to their late 40's-early 50's and by that time i will be too old to care.

i guess everyone knows by now that i write long--have only learned to write in past 12 years duing the family of origin shunning--but before that--mid 40's--never felt comfortable saying my truth much less writing it for fear that my mother would cut me off--having been accurate on that fear--i am trying to only speak with safe people, to hold my personal boundaries with addict daughter, accept children and husband boundaries with me as i experience the avoidance, silent treatment, whatever.

God bless all. I learned to pray early in life from a grandmother who I could tell had had a very hard life by the time i was 7--clues were adult children who didn't visit her or help her--she was poor as a churchmouse...my father and another uncle gave but my mother hated that and it was a mess. As a child, all i know is that my grandmothers' love and acceptance from birth helped me immensely and i have always loved my family and sought to do well by them...but have learned that I have also been too trusting and am not able to read people realistically.

ok--enough processing--grateful for all here--it is a big complete mess and i have answers except to take one step at a time according to my hP's direction and to keep on working on my recovery along with the other things.

wrote extensively on substance abusers today and yesterday and need to do what i need to do...start this blog. I asked my son to use the car on Wednesday and Thursday for interviews, finally washed hair after cast being removed on Thursday and renewed my prescriptions.

Seren

Hello iris! Sounds like you are determined, you know what you need to do, and are getting it done one moment, one day at a time.

Just sending hugs to you and all the parents, grandparents, and step-parents tonight.

Seren

Good morning! This thread has been puttering along in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum for more than a year...and it seemed appropriate to bring it here to the new forum

Well, my stepson has a job or doesn't, is homeless or isn't....we have no idea. He hasn't e-mailed or called in over a week. The last thing he told us was that he had been hired at a fast food place, was allowed one week to stay in someone else's home (not his brother's home--long story of inappropriate behavior), and was looking for an apartment.



I can hope, without expectations, that this last bridge he's setting fire to will finally be the thing that makes him come to his senses about his drinking. Once he's worn out his welcome where he is, there are no more friends and no more relatives who will take him in....

Twofour

I am sorry....I do hope to learn

Lovenjoy

thanks Seren! i was thinking about this thread and the new family forum just yesterday.

things are quiet on my home front at the moment and i have learned to soak it up when it's here. never seems to last long so i make every second have value! therapy this morning to unload the traumas of the week - i love my therapist!

may all us parents have moments of peace in our hearts that blossom into joy!

irisgardens

Thanks seren...for putting this here. I want to send love and peace to all here today...as I get to know you a bit better...and to understand that we walk similar paths. On the bad days, I tend to forget that or don't know you well enough yet...and there has been a lot of 'stuff' unwinding...and despite my efforts to keep going...things are ragged. I totally appreciate each and every one of you...as you are teaching me and helping me engage again...and to feel for your situations and to try to be as supportive as possible. Grateful for the support I have received. As I have written my novels...realize that I stuff a lot...and that your patience with my writing has been so much of a blessing...even when I am repeating over and over and over again. For me, I guess it is part of the walking through. God Bless each of you today.

mayabee

So glad to see this thread in this forum. My son is an addict, recently relapsed. He went to rehab, then sober living, got a job. Moved into his own apartment after 6 months in sober living, hooked up with an ex who uses, relapsed, no longer working... so tired of this cycle. When I say that he hooked up with ex who uses, I am not blaming the ex for son's relapse. I suspect that son reached out to the ex because he wanted to use. He had already drifted away from NA. So sad about this. Grateful for this forum and for my Nar-anon group.

Lovenjoy

hi mayabee! it's exhausting isn't it? the hope when they work recovery, the sadness when it falls apart, again...

i know i get pretty worn out. how tired of it must they be? ya know?

i've been needing to look 'out' of the whole addiction arena - out where the world is, out where other people i love have been patiently waiting for me, out where i can do fun things, out of his problems, out of my obsessive mind (pun intended!) and make the problems addiction creates less damaging by being 'out' of it as much as possible.....

rambling.