For the parents...daily support thread
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
I am sorry, Seren re: your son. I hope he gets another job soon, and takes care of his dental hygiene. Mine is back in rehab after 30 days at home, this time he is going to a halfway house. We are in for a long road. It is so tough, when others try to make you feel as though you should be doing something to help. Sometimes, I think this will never end. I guess it doesn't every end.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I think both of our young men need to learn how to do things for themselves. I hope that my stepson will acquire a certain sense of pride in accomplishment if he finally takes care of the outstanding issue that came up during his background check, making his own dental appointment, taking care of his business.
I hope your son will dig into the recovery program and the job skills offered at the sober living house! He is in good hands now, I hope and pray he will make use of everything he can learn there!!
I hope your son will dig into the recovery program and the job skills offered at the sober living house! He is in good hands now, I hope and pray he will make use of everything he can learn there!!
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
This is a company he was working for last year, for almost one year, and was fired from for an altercation with another employee on the job....so yes, finally, they ran a background check on him when they rehired him.
And no, not all companies do run background checks to this extent, buy many do.
And no, not all companies do run background checks to this extent, buy many do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I am a grandparent of a grandson who drinks alcoholically (I will try to refrain from labeling HIM an "alcoholic," because he is a human being, child of God who sometimes drinks alcoholically). I have been schooled in 12 Steps (six years of frequent meetings) but I have evolved past that particular model to encompass other practices and thought constructs.
I have come a long way and have a long way to go in changing my thoughts and my habits.
One thing I wanted to note is how counter-intuitive it is to not want to nurture someone who is "sick" who was once a child that you were charged with nurturing.
In my grandson's case, he got in trouble when he was 18 and I had had no idea there was any issue at all. He is 21 now. It has been a learning curve.
When someone embraces recovery and has some sobriety, it is natural to be happy for them and to "believe" they may be on a healthy path - it is therefore quite shocking when you discover there has been a significant relapse - you have to adjust your thinking (talking about myself here, even though I used the word "you").
I recently found out about the relapse and everything that is connected to it (all of the horrors, including health/housing/money/legal/survival/other issues).
I am doing much better than ever, but my family has fallen apart and there is no support. Instead, when anything traumatic happens (like he doesn't show up to work or two days and no one knows where he is), some family members start attacking in a "shoot the messenger" way - this has been very disturbing to me. In one case, I advised his mother and she came back saying "'YOU' told me" - actually blaming me for letting her know. Another family member called me for information and when I told her what I knew, started yelling at me - I had to end the call. I am never prepared for these hostile reactions. This is an issue that has brought me great sadness (that my family is so dysfunctional and unsupportive of each other). I am coming to terms with it.
My grandson posts about his health fears on Facebook, but at the same time is actively injuring his health - I know this is the "insanity" of alcoholism, yet it is a trigger for me and my natural response is to educate him (which I have refrained from doing). I am getting ready to communicate to him that I don't want to lose him and to encourage him to move Heaven and Earth to get back into recovery and change his housing situation (which is promoting his current lifestyle), but I have no illusions that he will change due to anything I say or do. I am communicating as advice given in a book called "Addict in the Family" which advises to continue to love the addict and encourage recovery (not in a nagging way, but a loving way).
He does have underlying anxiety, which he is medicating, but that is none of my business now that he is an adult - but when he was a child, it was something I would have been involved in addressing. And in some close families, when members are struggling, people give advice - but when alcohol is concerned, this is all turned upside down and these same loving behaviors do not have the desired effect. It makes it more of a struggle to understand proper roles.
These are some of the things I am thinking about today.
I think it is fabulous to have a thread for parents/grandparents, et al. Thank you
I have come a long way and have a long way to go in changing my thoughts and my habits.
One thing I wanted to note is how counter-intuitive it is to not want to nurture someone who is "sick" who was once a child that you were charged with nurturing.
In my grandson's case, he got in trouble when he was 18 and I had had no idea there was any issue at all. He is 21 now. It has been a learning curve.
When someone embraces recovery and has some sobriety, it is natural to be happy for them and to "believe" they may be on a healthy path - it is therefore quite shocking when you discover there has been a significant relapse - you have to adjust your thinking (talking about myself here, even though I used the word "you").
I recently found out about the relapse and everything that is connected to it (all of the horrors, including health/housing/money/legal/survival/other issues).
I am doing much better than ever, but my family has fallen apart and there is no support. Instead, when anything traumatic happens (like he doesn't show up to work or two days and no one knows where he is), some family members start attacking in a "shoot the messenger" way - this has been very disturbing to me. In one case, I advised his mother and she came back saying "'YOU' told me" - actually blaming me for letting her know. Another family member called me for information and when I told her what I knew, started yelling at me - I had to end the call. I am never prepared for these hostile reactions. This is an issue that has brought me great sadness (that my family is so dysfunctional and unsupportive of each other). I am coming to terms with it.
My grandson posts about his health fears on Facebook, but at the same time is actively injuring his health - I know this is the "insanity" of alcoholism, yet it is a trigger for me and my natural response is to educate him (which I have refrained from doing). I am getting ready to communicate to him that I don't want to lose him and to encourage him to move Heaven and Earth to get back into recovery and change his housing situation (which is promoting his current lifestyle), but I have no illusions that he will change due to anything I say or do. I am communicating as advice given in a book called "Addict in the Family" which advises to continue to love the addict and encourage recovery (not in a nagging way, but a loving way).
He does have underlying anxiety, which he is medicating, but that is none of my business now that he is an adult - but when he was a child, it was something I would have been involved in addressing. And in some close families, when members are struggling, people give advice - but when alcohol is concerned, this is all turned upside down and these same loving behaviors do not have the desired effect. It makes it more of a struggle to understand proper roles.
These are some of the things I am thinking about today.
I think it is fabulous to have a thread for parents/grandparents, et al. Thank you
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Welp, my stepson has been through quite a time lately.
After being fired from his old/new job:
he learned that the house was going to be sold in which he was renting a room;
he broke his wrist and did not get it looked at right away;
he decided to move back to the town where this latest round of mayhem started;
he finally got his wrist treated which by then required surgery;
he is currently living with an old friend, her roughly 2 yo child, and her belligerent, alcoholic husband whom she is divorcing;
And....he is definitely drinking again.
I'm not sure what to add to all that, really, except we are praying for him and hope he can pull himself out of this mess very soon.
How are all the parents?!
After being fired from his old/new job:
he learned that the house was going to be sold in which he was renting a room;
he broke his wrist and did not get it looked at right away;
he decided to move back to the town where this latest round of mayhem started;
he finally got his wrist treated which by then required surgery;
he is currently living with an old friend, her roughly 2 yo child, and her belligerent, alcoholic husband whom she is divorcing;
And....he is definitely drinking again.
I'm not sure what to add to all that, really, except we are praying for him and hope he can pull himself out of this mess very soon.
How are all the parents?!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Northeast NC
Posts: 1
Hi everyone,
I just found this board tonight and couldn't help but post on here. Married almost 10 years to a man with 2 sons...28 and 27 yrs old. Both sons have drinking problems but oldest is an alcoholic. He has lost his marriage, two children and last year, his home to foreclosure. He has been living with us for a year. Two weeks ago, I was going to leave. Mainly so my husband wouldn't have to choose between me or his son. I am tired of getting mad at sson and taking it out on husband. I feel like if it comes to choosing between me or his son, I'm going to lose.
Stepsons mother let both sons drink at ages 12 and 13. Husband didn't know what was going on at the time. They were divorced and he just knew that oldest son didn't come to stay with him anymore. Husband has lots of guilt, from himself and oldest son, about the divorce. Son can't even live with his mom now. She can't stand him being there. So for some reason we are the only place he has to go. He comes and goes as he pleases. Gets his kids every other weekend but we pay for food and take care of them. He thinks he's a good dad because they stay out late at night playing cornhole. He leaves most of the time after they go to sleep to stay at a girls house he is legally not supposed to be around. He comes home sometime the next day. He has been disrespectful to us but we have to walk on eggshells around him. He pays no bills here. Complains to his children that he has to pay child support. Wrecked his car last summer. Blew a .28 at 10 am on a sunday morning. Still going to court over that. My husband provides him with work but he won't go half the time. We have paid his cell phone bill for 3 yrs. Husband tried to help him save his home last year but he wouldn't do anything for himself. Lots of money has gone out of our house for him.
He needs help but gets really mad if you say anything. I'm sure lots of you have been through this but I feel so alone. I never had children of my own...had a miscarriage in my first marriage.
I know this is stupid and I'm embarrassed to even get up here to ask this, but isn't it ok if I cut his phone off? I am tired of paying the bill, hearing them (both ssons) say they can't pay the $50 a month for the bill but yet have the money to drink every night. Husband and I are starting alanon tomorrow night. It's hard for husband to address lots of issues with his son but I am really at a breaking point.
Thanks for listening. Hope I didn't dump too much on yall.
I just found this board tonight and couldn't help but post on here. Married almost 10 years to a man with 2 sons...28 and 27 yrs old. Both sons have drinking problems but oldest is an alcoholic. He has lost his marriage, two children and last year, his home to foreclosure. He has been living with us for a year. Two weeks ago, I was going to leave. Mainly so my husband wouldn't have to choose between me or his son. I am tired of getting mad at sson and taking it out on husband. I feel like if it comes to choosing between me or his son, I'm going to lose.
Stepsons mother let both sons drink at ages 12 and 13. Husband didn't know what was going on at the time. They were divorced and he just knew that oldest son didn't come to stay with him anymore. Husband has lots of guilt, from himself and oldest son, about the divorce. Son can't even live with his mom now. She can't stand him being there. So for some reason we are the only place he has to go. He comes and goes as he pleases. Gets his kids every other weekend but we pay for food and take care of them. He thinks he's a good dad because they stay out late at night playing cornhole. He leaves most of the time after they go to sleep to stay at a girls house he is legally not supposed to be around. He comes home sometime the next day. He has been disrespectful to us but we have to walk on eggshells around him. He pays no bills here. Complains to his children that he has to pay child support. Wrecked his car last summer. Blew a .28 at 10 am on a sunday morning. Still going to court over that. My husband provides him with work but he won't go half the time. We have paid his cell phone bill for 3 yrs. Husband tried to help him save his home last year but he wouldn't do anything for himself. Lots of money has gone out of our house for him.
He needs help but gets really mad if you say anything. I'm sure lots of you have been through this but I feel so alone. I never had children of my own...had a miscarriage in my first marriage.
I know this is stupid and I'm embarrassed to even get up here to ask this, but isn't it ok if I cut his phone off? I am tired of paying the bill, hearing them (both ssons) say they can't pay the $50 a month for the bill but yet have the money to drink every night. Husband and I are starting alanon tomorrow night. It's hard for husband to address lots of issues with his son but I am really at a breaking point.
Thanks for listening. Hope I didn't dump too much on yall.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Conway, Welcome to SR!!
I am sorry for what brings you here, though....
Well, let's see, do I think it's OK to cut the phones off? Yes.
My stepson and stepdaughter were both allowed credit cards on their father's account. They had a verbal agreement with their father that they could only spend a fixed dollar amount each month (very small). When "Jr." charged so much in playing the big man in town buying drinks and other things for people that he could have paid for a trip to Paris, the card was cut off.
When we found out he was letting drug dealers use his phone to make deals to pay for his own drug use, we cut off the phone.
When we found out he was letting drug dealers use his truck to deliver (the truck was in his father's name), we took the truck and placed it in a storage facility where he could not find it.
When he brought scary drug dealer into the house, his father evicted him.
Each step was painful in it's own way, but in the long run, the young man finally learned that he had to be responsible for himself.
We learned that we did not have to live in fear....that peace in our lives was possible.
I hope you will come back and spend as much time here as you need. Ask questions, vent, whatever helps. I hope you are doing well today!
I am sorry for what brings you here, though....
Well, let's see, do I think it's OK to cut the phones off? Yes.
My stepson and stepdaughter were both allowed credit cards on their father's account. They had a verbal agreement with their father that they could only spend a fixed dollar amount each month (very small). When "Jr." charged so much in playing the big man in town buying drinks and other things for people that he could have paid for a trip to Paris, the card was cut off.
When we found out he was letting drug dealers use his phone to make deals to pay for his own drug use, we cut off the phone.
When we found out he was letting drug dealers use his truck to deliver (the truck was in his father's name), we took the truck and placed it in a storage facility where he could not find it.
When he brought scary drug dealer into the house, his father evicted him.
Each step was painful in it's own way, but in the long run, the young man finally learned that he had to be responsible for himself.
We learned that we did not have to live in fear....that peace in our lives was possible.
I hope you will come back and spend as much time here as you need. Ask questions, vent, whatever helps. I hope you are doing well today!
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, I guess the events of this summer have been a good reminder that most of the time, recovery from alcoholism and addiction is a process and not a straight line.
My stepson had been doing better, but apparently not completely committed to sobriety and is now homeless again. The friends he had been living with found his entitled attitude and now near constant drunkenness to be a huge problem as he was picking fights both verbal and physical with the others. His behavior is typical of what we experienced when he was actively drinking and living with his father, and the living situation was largely dysfunctional for all involved, frankly. We wondered how long it would last.
So, now he is homeless (in a town about 8.5 hours drive from here), drinking and reportedly yellow and puffy.
It was 2 years ago around this time that some other friends found him wandering the street in full-blown DT's and took him to the ER.
It was 5 years ago that he was hospitalized for detox and we were told he had a 50/50 shot at making it through the DTs, the alcoholic hepatitis, and the jaundice.
I'm not sure how much longer it will be before we get the phone call again--the one that says "your son is in the hospital".
I know there are plenty of recovery resources in that town. I know he knows that, too. So now we encourage him to use them....and we wait....and we pray.
My stepson had been doing better, but apparently not completely committed to sobriety and is now homeless again. The friends he had been living with found his entitled attitude and now near constant drunkenness to be a huge problem as he was picking fights both verbal and physical with the others. His behavior is typical of what we experienced when he was actively drinking and living with his father, and the living situation was largely dysfunctional for all involved, frankly. We wondered how long it would last.
So, now he is homeless (in a town about 8.5 hours drive from here), drinking and reportedly yellow and puffy.
It was 2 years ago around this time that some other friends found him wandering the street in full-blown DT's and took him to the ER.
It was 5 years ago that he was hospitalized for detox and we were told he had a 50/50 shot at making it through the DTs, the alcoholic hepatitis, and the jaundice.
I'm not sure how much longer it will be before we get the phone call again--the one that says "your son is in the hospital".
I know there are plenty of recovery resources in that town. I know he knows that, too. So now we encourage him to use them....and we wait....and we pray.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
praying with you Seren..... my son is up and down and in and out of the hospital and it is heartbreaking.
my grandbaby is getting older which makes me think about drastic changes in my home as hopefully she could weather the impact easier now that she's in school which is another stabilizing influence.
you and your husband are in my prayers. we can't do it for them can we.... so sorry for your lost boy.
my grandbaby is getting older which makes me think about drastic changes in my home as hopefully she could weather the impact easier now that she's in school which is another stabilizing influence.
you and your husband are in my prayers. we can't do it for them can we.... so sorry for your lost boy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
This thread is a great example of lack of support here on the forum - EVEN in a thread entitled "daily support for parents, etc." I am looking back on the date I posted, and it was a horrible time in my life . . . my grandson was missing at the time. I got zero responses. That really had a negative impact on me. Just saying what is true for me. The thread picked up after my response and people just continued their conversations, with no acknowledgement, what-so-ever.
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello seek,
I am sorry if you have felt slighted and unwelcomed here. I was saddened to learn of the continuing struggles within your family. It seems as though you have a couple of threads going right now on which you have been receiving a great deal of support and many ideas and tips--I hope that you have found some of what has been shared with you helpful.
I really can't speak for anyone else here, but I can tell you why I started this thread a little over one year ago. The vast majority of members to this site are either recovering alcoholics/addicts, or are spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends of someone who struggles with addiction. There are members who are parents or step-parents or grandparents, but we are the minority here.
When I began the thread, I hoped that it might be a way for the parents (etc.) to vent, check-in with, and just support one another. It is also true that most of the parents within the broader Friends and Family community are parents of substance abusers and not alcoholics. My stepson is both an alcoholic and crack addict.
As for my own participation in this thread and in the SoberRecovery community in general, well, there is a lot going on in my life right now that has absolutely nothing to do with addiction or recovery. In fact, I am under multiple deadlines and a great deal of stress. Unfortunately, the short amount of time I do spend here right now does not lend itself to my being the most detail-oriented person who is capable of keeping track of the stories of every F&F member.
I hope you will not take any lack of response personally. Since joining this community, I have learned that if others do not respond to a thread I begin or a post that I make, it is typically because they do not feel they have anything pertinent or relavent to share with me. The most prevalent reason I do not post or comment on each thread begun by members is because I do not feel I have anything to share or add from my own experience.
I hope that your grandson will soon begin to make better decisions for his life. I have the same hope for my stepson.
I am sorry if you have felt slighted and unwelcomed here. I was saddened to learn of the continuing struggles within your family. It seems as though you have a couple of threads going right now on which you have been receiving a great deal of support and many ideas and tips--I hope that you have found some of what has been shared with you helpful.
I really can't speak for anyone else here, but I can tell you why I started this thread a little over one year ago. The vast majority of members to this site are either recovering alcoholics/addicts, or are spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends of someone who struggles with addiction. There are members who are parents or step-parents or grandparents, but we are the minority here.
When I began the thread, I hoped that it might be a way for the parents (etc.) to vent, check-in with, and just support one another. It is also true that most of the parents within the broader Friends and Family community are parents of substance abusers and not alcoholics. My stepson is both an alcoholic and crack addict.
As for my own participation in this thread and in the SoberRecovery community in general, well, there is a lot going on in my life right now that has absolutely nothing to do with addiction or recovery. In fact, I am under multiple deadlines and a great deal of stress. Unfortunately, the short amount of time I do spend here right now does not lend itself to my being the most detail-oriented person who is capable of keeping track of the stories of every F&F member.
I hope you will not take any lack of response personally. Since joining this community, I have learned that if others do not respond to a thread I begin or a post that I make, it is typically because they do not feel they have anything pertinent or relavent to share with me. The most prevalent reason I do not post or comment on each thread begun by members is because I do not feel I have anything to share or add from my own experience.
I hope that your grandson will soon begin to make better decisions for his life. I have the same hope for my stepson.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Hi, thank you for starting this thread. I am very sad this week...I am a person who was probably born with biological depression (at least that's what the doctors have told me) but I have always been the 'can do kid' no matter what...and I have reached bottom...and it scares me. Have weathered a drinking husband (since age 16), 2 daughters who got into drugs over the course of 19 years...using and then their recovery (we believed in a close family and after losing a child to SIDS 25 years ago...it was probably survival as well)...I did the tough love in the family...and it worked with two of the girls...now 34 and 28 in them moving on, going to college, getting work, having children (single moms but who cares...not me) and taking care of them.
However, the last time we started a 'big' crisis...my now 22 year old went to college and hooked up with a drug dealer who she said she loves...and husband lost the family business (construction during the great recession) and house...and moved to his home country of Chile to 'start over'...I have been a Finance Manager since forever...but we have slowly gone down financially...as I worked for 17 years with him...then came back into the corporate world to make money and worked my way up again to the position that allowed me to support young kids and his business funding (construction is volatile)...but the stress has taken it's toll and in losing the job I got over Skype from Chile when I learned my daughter had her relapse...and also we were hitting bottom financially again...& I worked my program like crazy...have done so for 19 years...and as an intensely focused person...I can focus...but I was let go in September.
I have crashed despite my best program so called the doctor and will start on something else...my husband finished his last commitment in Chile...but have been alone here working and now seeking work (crashed this week as the 3 interviews I got were overwhelming and I had to back out of a job commitment--it was the wrong job...but why did I take it and then my body woke me up with insomnia, crying, and panic and anxiety and I had to back out). My active heroin addict daughter cut contact in June...I had also worked on finding her while I was working and then listening to her promise to do rehab...when her dad came home from Chile (for the holiday season) and then we tried rehab but she ran...she was manipulating me...and him. Then arrest and again, I did the tough love thing...upon much prayer and meditation which is when she got mad...it went on for 6 months and I went down hill...she was not seeing us...and I was doing the work...and he went back to Chile...I told him that I couldn't handle him not finishing the commitments...and instead of 2 months...it has been 7...and the job got lost...and I got angry at my boss...tried to turn away and just look at the computer but he wouldn't let me...I said...since you have handled this already (he was going to all the junior people on the team and leaving me or my opinion out...but I suspect that it was really because I told him about my daughter in December...and in May he told me he couldn't get it out of his mind...I was working 11-12 (literally) hour days and delivering everything...I am competent but I did get angry when he manipulated me into hiring someone right after I did a really hard project and then wanted to only deal with the younger members of the team...although I did the project list creation and prepared him for meetings...and my daughter stayed out of contact, but contacted her older sisters (they had cut me off because they said that I was accountable for many of the family problems and that I won't take accountability)--my therapist says I am responsible, cautious and thinking right...so then I realized that over the course of the years and I took advice from a therapist who told me to set boundaries which I did by email...was too weak...to do in person...but then my older daughter and older son (in their 30's now) said that they could tell I was better with the therapist...and so we have seen each other a bit...my husband says he knows that I have done nothing wrong and that they are being selfish and self centered...and I am ok with the oldest daughter...so progress maid...but so much pressure and the job search made me crash.
I have gotten to the place where I just blame myself...but not consciously. My therapist this week told me that I have enormous survivor's guilt (not sure I understand that) but I know I am working this program to the best of my ability and I know it is me who has to stand up...but feel desperate that I am so weak and paralyzed...forcing myself to do things...had to force myself to do the unemployment and reach out to supportive people on a website for people with anxiety and depression and also Parents of Addicts...had to force myself to call the ex boss and ask for a reference...which he agreed to give the minimum one...had to force myself over 4 weeks to get the resume up to date...and did all of that...it's been 6 weeks since losing the job and I think it was what I was resting my hopes for starting over on...
I think that I need to just break steps down smaller...and my daughter is with me ... my heart constantly aches...and it is an ache for her...but I know that she is not ready...and I know that I am at the bottom again...I haven't been this bad since my son died, I was given a bad evaluation at work (they didn't like internal accounting controls and that is what I do)...had my first daughter using drugs, was dealing with my grief about my son in a support group and husband's job was going down...that was 15 years ago...and I worked on myself, raised the rest of the kids (have 5), had another addict who was and is very strong willed and almost a bully to me...but did all the tough love necessary and she got herself off of crystal meth...but this child...born subsequent to the child who died...was such a gift of life and hope to our family...and she is lost...and I have no idea what to do first or second...but will get myself out of bed today to go pick up the medication that according to my long time doctor (he has helped me with my meds the whole 19 years I have needed them...and was the one who told me I was clinically depressed and I so don't want to go there again...and I work every day to do something and to work through it)...
I am talking to my husband daily and just trying to be honest and real...and not to sugarcoat anything. I need to do what I can...but I am scared. There are just so many factors...he is coming back with no money, I made some in this job (with severance), my daughter cut contact...in the 13 years since my Dad died...and Mom and Sis cut me off (just like that...I had been there for them through all the 13 years of Dad's illness while I was going through the above)--so had to work through that...fortunately I finally, in Chile...when I reached out in desperation to my mother and just asked her to tell me she loves me (have been told that she is narcissistic)--no diagnoses in our family...I am the only one who does recovery...I am determined to do what I need to do to stand up again...started naranon meetings last month and thank you God...it is a wonderful group of people...but truly...I am so overwhelmed...and just taking steps and when something isn't right...it is taking me down...and then I need time...and I feel as if I have not time...but trying to pray and medicate.
I am quite isolated...my therapist told me...and I am hanging on to her as long as possible...with the amount of severance I got..but I am feeling desperate and if there is no one here for me...and the truth is...there hasn't been...and I am seeking to pull myself out of this abyss and not give up.
I am trying not to pressure myself on everything...but today the anxiety is so deep...I get more anxious when I post my feelings...but keeping my feelings stuffed and hidden throughout a lifetime (although my family of origin has denied me--I know that my mother and father were and mother still is...high functioning alcoholics)...but I am not ...not a drinker...not someone who does drugs...but I am at the bottom right now...and can't figure out anything...so serenity prayer...posting here for survival purposes...I have even overcome my fear of what people will think of me if I tell the truth...I told my mom the truth (that I was depressed when my second was in rehab for crystal meth) and she told me that I was bipolar like my aunt (my dad's side)--mom is perfect (finally awoke that she is perfectly in denial and just cuts off people like me who are honest)--and I have always loved her...I worked through my issues with her all the way through Chile...and finally the cravings to re-engage stopped as I realized (we had 3 minutes of hot water a day and were eating bread and cheese and living on a construction site and I called her to ask for her to tell me she loved me (that is something that I only do when I am desperate...because she has always been a 'no' person to me)--
Now, old stuff is coming up...or I am trying to figure out why I feel so bad and powerless. But the truth is...my daughter going no contact and the way she screamed at me in the courtroom about how I was a *itch and only her dad loved her...which is not true...but she broke me down...I didn't have the capacity as I did with the others to stand in tough love...I have come to realize that I have no real support...and I am truly alone if I don't come here...and I guess that is what I have to deal with...but it is so hard and I don't know what to do or how to do it...it feels as if everything is triggering me.
Sorry for the novel...but I am barely holding on today.
However, the last time we started a 'big' crisis...my now 22 year old went to college and hooked up with a drug dealer who she said she loves...and husband lost the family business (construction during the great recession) and house...and moved to his home country of Chile to 'start over'...I have been a Finance Manager since forever...but we have slowly gone down financially...as I worked for 17 years with him...then came back into the corporate world to make money and worked my way up again to the position that allowed me to support young kids and his business funding (construction is volatile)...but the stress has taken it's toll and in losing the job I got over Skype from Chile when I learned my daughter had her relapse...and also we were hitting bottom financially again...& I worked my program like crazy...have done so for 19 years...and as an intensely focused person...I can focus...but I was let go in September.
I have crashed despite my best program so called the doctor and will start on something else...my husband finished his last commitment in Chile...but have been alone here working and now seeking work (crashed this week as the 3 interviews I got were overwhelming and I had to back out of a job commitment--it was the wrong job...but why did I take it and then my body woke me up with insomnia, crying, and panic and anxiety and I had to back out). My active heroin addict daughter cut contact in June...I had also worked on finding her while I was working and then listening to her promise to do rehab...when her dad came home from Chile (for the holiday season) and then we tried rehab but she ran...she was manipulating me...and him. Then arrest and again, I did the tough love thing...upon much prayer and meditation which is when she got mad...it went on for 6 months and I went down hill...she was not seeing us...and I was doing the work...and he went back to Chile...I told him that I couldn't handle him not finishing the commitments...and instead of 2 months...it has been 7...and the job got lost...and I got angry at my boss...tried to turn away and just look at the computer but he wouldn't let me...I said...since you have handled this already (he was going to all the junior people on the team and leaving me or my opinion out...but I suspect that it was really because I told him about my daughter in December...and in May he told me he couldn't get it out of his mind...I was working 11-12 (literally) hour days and delivering everything...I am competent but I did get angry when he manipulated me into hiring someone right after I did a really hard project and then wanted to only deal with the younger members of the team...although I did the project list creation and prepared him for meetings...and my daughter stayed out of contact, but contacted her older sisters (they had cut me off because they said that I was accountable for many of the family problems and that I won't take accountability)--my therapist says I am responsible, cautious and thinking right...so then I realized that over the course of the years and I took advice from a therapist who told me to set boundaries which I did by email...was too weak...to do in person...but then my older daughter and older son (in their 30's now) said that they could tell I was better with the therapist...and so we have seen each other a bit...my husband says he knows that I have done nothing wrong and that they are being selfish and self centered...and I am ok with the oldest daughter...so progress maid...but so much pressure and the job search made me crash.
I have gotten to the place where I just blame myself...but not consciously. My therapist this week told me that I have enormous survivor's guilt (not sure I understand that) but I know I am working this program to the best of my ability and I know it is me who has to stand up...but feel desperate that I am so weak and paralyzed...forcing myself to do things...had to force myself to do the unemployment and reach out to supportive people on a website for people with anxiety and depression and also Parents of Addicts...had to force myself to call the ex boss and ask for a reference...which he agreed to give the minimum one...had to force myself over 4 weeks to get the resume up to date...and did all of that...it's been 6 weeks since losing the job and I think it was what I was resting my hopes for starting over on...
I think that I need to just break steps down smaller...and my daughter is with me ... my heart constantly aches...and it is an ache for her...but I know that she is not ready...and I know that I am at the bottom again...I haven't been this bad since my son died, I was given a bad evaluation at work (they didn't like internal accounting controls and that is what I do)...had my first daughter using drugs, was dealing with my grief about my son in a support group and husband's job was going down...that was 15 years ago...and I worked on myself, raised the rest of the kids (have 5), had another addict who was and is very strong willed and almost a bully to me...but did all the tough love necessary and she got herself off of crystal meth...but this child...born subsequent to the child who died...was such a gift of life and hope to our family...and she is lost...and I have no idea what to do first or second...but will get myself out of bed today to go pick up the medication that according to my long time doctor (he has helped me with my meds the whole 19 years I have needed them...and was the one who told me I was clinically depressed and I so don't want to go there again...and I work every day to do something and to work through it)...
I am talking to my husband daily and just trying to be honest and real...and not to sugarcoat anything. I need to do what I can...but I am scared. There are just so many factors...he is coming back with no money, I made some in this job (with severance), my daughter cut contact...in the 13 years since my Dad died...and Mom and Sis cut me off (just like that...I had been there for them through all the 13 years of Dad's illness while I was going through the above)--so had to work through that...fortunately I finally, in Chile...when I reached out in desperation to my mother and just asked her to tell me she loves me (have been told that she is narcissistic)--no diagnoses in our family...I am the only one who does recovery...I am determined to do what I need to do to stand up again...started naranon meetings last month and thank you God...it is a wonderful group of people...but truly...I am so overwhelmed...and just taking steps and when something isn't right...it is taking me down...and then I need time...and I feel as if I have not time...but trying to pray and medicate.
I am quite isolated...my therapist told me...and I am hanging on to her as long as possible...with the amount of severance I got..but I am feeling desperate and if there is no one here for me...and the truth is...there hasn't been...and I am seeking to pull myself out of this abyss and not give up.
I am trying not to pressure myself on everything...but today the anxiety is so deep...I get more anxious when I post my feelings...but keeping my feelings stuffed and hidden throughout a lifetime (although my family of origin has denied me--I know that my mother and father were and mother still is...high functioning alcoholics)...but I am not ...not a drinker...not someone who does drugs...but I am at the bottom right now...and can't figure out anything...so serenity prayer...posting here for survival purposes...I have even overcome my fear of what people will think of me if I tell the truth...I told my mom the truth (that I was depressed when my second was in rehab for crystal meth) and she told me that I was bipolar like my aunt (my dad's side)--mom is perfect (finally awoke that she is perfectly in denial and just cuts off people like me who are honest)--and I have always loved her...I worked through my issues with her all the way through Chile...and finally the cravings to re-engage stopped as I realized (we had 3 minutes of hot water a day and were eating bread and cheese and living on a construction site and I called her to ask for her to tell me she loved me (that is something that I only do when I am desperate...because she has always been a 'no' person to me)--
Now, old stuff is coming up...or I am trying to figure out why I feel so bad and powerless. But the truth is...my daughter going no contact and the way she screamed at me in the courtroom about how I was a *itch and only her dad loved her...which is not true...but she broke me down...I didn't have the capacity as I did with the others to stand in tough love...I have come to realize that I have no real support...and I am truly alone if I don't come here...and I guess that is what I have to deal with...but it is so hard and I don't know what to do or how to do it...it feels as if everything is triggering me.
Sorry for the novel...but I am barely holding on today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I have PTSD - do you think you might, as well?
I find when in a state such as you describe, it is a crisis state that needs tools - I use bodywork (massage or a pedi), EFT, aromatherapy, baths with Epsom salts, naps, etc.
You have to be able to "self-sooth" - to find a way to make yourself feel better (in healthy ways) . . .
Hope you get some relief.
I find when in a state such as you describe, it is a crisis state that needs tools - I use bodywork (massage or a pedi), EFT, aromatherapy, baths with Epsom salts, naps, etc.
You have to be able to "self-sooth" - to find a way to make yourself feel better (in healthy ways) . . .
Hope you get some relief.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am glad to see this thread, as I had no idea it existed. Years back, when I joined, I had hoped for one like this, but there wasn't any. Maybe I am confusing forum with thread? anyway, I am glad to see it and hope to become active here. I need the support too, as you all do.
big hugs,
chicory
big hugs,
chicory
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Today I am praying for guidance and strength. I have been struggling with fear and dread. I am using all of my tools. I guess I expect, when I put a prayer out to have immediate relief and it doesn't seem to work that way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
seek...when I get desperate...and I do each time there is a new 'big' crisis in my life...I also feel as if it is going to take so long...but, after a long time of realizing that I cannot make anything happen or control anything...including but not limited to my addicts' life choices and behaviors...I pray and ask for help as you are...and although I go through all the feelings and crash...many times...I still find that when I pray and do things in the time and with the energy level I have in the moment...and try to pray about any actions first (or when I realize that I can't do anything for something before doing something else first--which helps me a lot...and then just focus on 1 step...) and doing it...even if it takes way more time than my mind says ... and just focus on the task...whatever it is...and finishing it. I wrote a lot on this area yesterday...it was a very bad day...all the stuff came through the writing and it was triggered by something that had nothing to do with my addict, but it was nonetheless very difficult and felt like there were no solutions. I made myself reach out to ask questions (instead of letting myself become paralyzed and inactive)--it was about insurance which was very critical to a medication that I finally was able to tell my doctor that I needed...I have fought medication all my life as my mother did before me...fear of addiction...family full of alcoholics and drug abusers...sad endings. But my issue is depression and now, anxiety, and it was triggered by many things...but the stress ultimately lost me my job...and that was the straw that broke my camel's back...as it was my hope to be rebuilding and to be able to do better...my fear is homelessness as we came very close to that in helping my first two addicts as well as supporting my husband's business for many years...until the recession in CA...we almost made it but did not...and there were consequences. After a year there, I got a job and put so much into it as I didn't want anything to impact that...except I was still trying to help my daughter and the stress broke me. I am now trying to recuperate and feel better...it is one minute at a time...the glimmers of hope are things I didn't anticipate...the doctor, despite the insurance, left a manual prescription at the big HMO's desk and it will be there for me on Monday...I was able to ask for the help instead of trying to tough it through as I could tell that my body was reacting very close to the time when I went down after losing a child and then helping my mother with my dad's major illness while working a very intense job and long hours at a Fortune 100...and that took time...but I did take suggestions even when I didn't understand them...I did alanon even when I hated it...and it helped me...I found a therapist who was kind and loving and taught me even though she herself (she shared years later) that her son was an alcoholic...I got over (more or less) wondering 'why me' and although it is painful now and hard...I get it...'why not me'...I pray and I have a good friend who understands right now (1)--not 100 (1)--and that is a blessing. I was raised (a lot of childcare while my parents were just struggling to make it) by a grandmother who believed in God and even to my 7 year old observations...I could tell that she had had a very hard life...she always recurred to prayer...and even though my faith has had a few thin spots (now even), I am finding help in a naranon meeting...and in reading here...and the literature...even when I reject it in the moment as something I 'can't' do...I try to release that...and sure enough...hours or days or weeks later...sometimes even years...I find myself practicing something more of what was good but seemed too hard when I first heard it. So...a very long post...but for me it all starts with prayer for guidance and strength. I have told you in a different post that I understand so many of your comments...but have come to understand that we are all trying to walk a very hard journey. To love an addict is very very hard. I am (my first recognition of my own history in the midst of my 2nd daughter's crystal meth addiction) an ACOA...and I started there...I questioned myself a lot...but just focused on working the alanon (& now the naranon) program...and I was someone who wanted to make it all happen at once...my terror and fright at the things that could happen (& then it was very hard when I woke up to realize that I, myself, am an ACOA and no one in my family of origin (except for 1 aunt) has ever agreed with me, or believed me or even...after the third addiction...contacted me. My mother chose to call me bipolar when I had been under treatment for the depression for a few years...I couldn't get anyone to support me (except my husband) but I did choose to tell my mother and siblings. That was years ago...and I just couldn't detach...but finally when my 3rd daughter got addicted 5 years ago and we hit bottom...I found that the very daughter who I did so much with (the 2nd)--had claimed the apartment here in the US we left as a backstop--wouldn't let me stay...my son who is doing well and is an achiever told me that I was crazy and that he wouldn't have any contact with me until I saw a therapist...I had let go of the therapist because didn't have insurance from 2009-2012 although my doctor did leave me a written prescription and I could get it filled at a walk in clinic and held faithfully to my meds...as the husbands construction business went down in the great recession of 2008--we held on until 2011 then the foreclosure and bankruptcy...and then, after the daughter who has been unkind (because she believes that she was just a teenager having fun...and that it was me that had the issues...yes I did...and cut her sister off (as did the other 4 siblings--again, denial)--and I went to Chile and tried to make it with husband...but it was hard...and I got a job when I learned that she had relapsed...and we were very down to just subsistence...and I reached out here...because AA is not well accepted in Chile and Alanon...not either...and SR saved me along with another site...and I am still here.
I may be down for the count again...but I have done my resume, I have interviewed (& not gotten the jobs), I have chosen to go to a facetoface naranon meeting and found it was awesome...and am now in the habit after 4 meetings...some trigger so many emotions but it is a relief to be able to share without any advice...just understanding eyes and nodding heads and similar experiences...as in allowing the no contact...I am doing the tough love thing...and it practically kills me every time...but I have no other ideas...the doing for doesn't work...the 2nd daughter who we did most for is still self centered and self absorbed and had no issues in going to my family of origin and talking bad about me...and reopening more wounds...just because she is clean doesn't mean she has changed. She was 4 when my son died...and we knew that was the most vulnerable age...so the whole family went out of their way to protect her and help her...but it has been bad...and she is clean...but then started enabling her sister by kicking in when her sister discarded me (not manipulable any more) and the two older sisters started doing it (they were out of contact with me--as I was heartbroken and when I came back from Chile they all chose to go no contact...because at that time I was looking for my daughter...and then I was working and when I would contact them they would continue calling me crazy...and I have never been crazy...so the projecting of their guilt (per my therapist) on me as the stronger parent is apparently what was going on...it just felt like h*ll. So, got a therapist in June...desperate...and she had me set boundaries...and I wasn't aware of all the stress build up but apparently others can see it in me...have never known the stress until it hits with one last thing that I can't handle...which for me was the job loss, husband finishing up a job in Chile but there will be no money, and I am being frugal...and carrying on...paying the bills and have a couple of months rent...and I think I have awakened now to the fact that there are many people...including my family of origin and certain members of my immediate family who do not accept that...and that my entire life has been a fight to survive...but I am a fighter...and I am here. I had some blessings from my higher power...I need to be grateful for every good thing...the doctor who left the written prescription so I don't have to try to find a doctor, the business insurance person who took the effort to send me my COBRA enrollment package so that I can enroll sooner rather than later and pay a few months of COBRA while I get to feeling better...the medication is what my doctor gave me before going to Chile...but I never got on it regularly as the stress of the move and the family separating (we had been living together for all the previous years) and finding construction projects in Chile...despite a socialist thinking government so hard to be a contractor...and also capitalist to a certain degree...very confusing but basically makes Chile's dependence on copper for money very understandable and it's volatile economy...however, husband got to fulfill his 37 year old dream of returning and I had made him that promise and then he decided that he doesn't want to be there...although he has been there for 3 years...and finished 4 projects and it has been hard...but done in two weeks and he is handling it...although his absence is so hard for me...going on 40 years with him...I had the wonderful pleasure of reconnecting with my 'adoptive' family from 40 years ago...still wonderful and caring to me...and it was so good, losing weight...as I walked more (very sedentary) and took buses and learned that time in south america is almost too slow, and to reconnect for a 40'th year class reunion with the class where I was an exchange student...and we located the other exchange student...and it was good...and hard...and this last year with my daughter and now the no contact was good...and hard...and now I am resting and doing what I need for my health to get back up and take other steps...but the health has manifested as the 1st thing...and as I have always had a demeanor that makes people believe I am strong...and I have been strong...through much...I am trusting God that I am doing what is right and that the timing is right and that all is unfolding as it should...although I have no clue how to do that...I have received good suggestions here...body work (massage) and other things that will come back to me...right now I can't remember well...but trying...slow by slow to write things down and then organize as I can...and when my notes get too jumbled everywhere (this scares me...as I know that I am good at putting things together on paper and organizing and this is frightening but know that it will get better)--the therapist, but first the COBRA payment next week...and thank you God that I wasn't turned down until yesterday because I saw my therapist on two days...and there was no charge...so I am ok--and it doesn't matter why I didn't get the package sent...I reached out to my ex-boss (I was in shock and stress the day they let me go...but I did get a severance so have a bit to deal with) on email and in 3 instances of reach out (I just wanted to run and feel ashamed and guilty but I know I didn't do anything wrong...just stressed and people can read it on my face when I am stressed and I also did my job which is a hard job...to tell companies when they are out of money...and had to do that in April...well... reasons don't matter...I am crashing again...after getting it together for the resume and the unemployment...so the next step is medication...and that is a bit of a project but I can get it done thank you God for the doctor...and I can afford a few more months of the medical attention...including a therapist who helped 12 years ago with my 2nd daughter...and who I trust...and the meds doctor who is kind and long-term...and my naranon meeting...and considering the suggestion of my therapist to go mega alanon f2f meetings...that seems pretty much today but will continue keeping it in mind).
So just want you all to know...I know what the issues are (sort of), have a lot to do to get through the newest set...setting boundaries with the 2nd daughter was essential and because she is manipulative and self centered (but thank you God...now working and taking care of her twin daughters which we did for 7 years while she finished college living with us)--I am also taking my therapists advice that I do not need any criticism in my life...I know that where I am is where I am...I am working my program...one minute at a time...my higher power gives me gifts and help...the long deep conversation with my Skype friend in MA who I met 4 years ago playing farmtown on facebook (no longer play the games...they are too addictive for me...but met a dear friend...and when we are on Skype...it is like we are together), my husband Skyped me today...my oldest daughter and oldest son have reached out to me after I sent them emails setting boundaries with them in June--well I reached out to them and told them how much I loved them...which I always do...but mentioned that I had a therapist again...and then set boundaries with the oldest daughter when she pushed me more...and I was just honest with her...and now we have seen each other and my grandson 3-4 times.
I finally told my 2nd daughter (3rd child) that I could not handle her unkind communication and bullying as she worked to get me to turn on a dime and take my 20 year old son in...and was very negative about him...turns out she has a new boyfriend and had plans to go as a group with the twins to Mexico...and I have known for years that she is a taker...even the therapists named it...so I stood up to her and told her that she couldn't just dump him...he is an adult...that just because it was convenient for her to move him here without him being involved it was not ok...and I told her not to make me the middle man...that it was her job to kick him out...and it was not my responsibility to take him in to make it easier for her...and she wrote back 'okay' and then for the first time in our lives I think...she felt like a person to me instead of someone who just wanted to be taken care of and the favorite (in high school, she convinced people she was an only child)--and then I called later and asked how it went and she said he was packing his boxes.
He ended up coming here but through a personal discussion and also, I guess I am isolating and so it is helpful for today...and he is doing awesome...not irresponsible like she said...focusing on the one negative thing out of all...and fortunately my older daughter shared with me that he is actually doing good. He is messy (as am I) but working and studying...and my messy doesn't bother him...and his messy doesn't bother him...I work every few days to straighten up more...and that is part of working my program...
Well...this has been a novel...but want you all to know that no matter what you post...it is all good...it is me who needs to change...I am clear on that...just not clear on how I can be back to such small small baby steps after doing a very high energy big job for the last 15 months...but I have learned that if I ask God to help me...helped I will be as long as I can trust and turn over as best as I can in that minute...and reading here shows me all the different nuances that can be true in circumstances...and yet the story of addiction/codependency is always the same...and I am trusting...I choose to trust.
Blessings to all.
I may be down for the count again...but I have done my resume, I have interviewed (& not gotten the jobs), I have chosen to go to a facetoface naranon meeting and found it was awesome...and am now in the habit after 4 meetings...some trigger so many emotions but it is a relief to be able to share without any advice...just understanding eyes and nodding heads and similar experiences...as in allowing the no contact...I am doing the tough love thing...and it practically kills me every time...but I have no other ideas...the doing for doesn't work...the 2nd daughter who we did most for is still self centered and self absorbed and had no issues in going to my family of origin and talking bad about me...and reopening more wounds...just because she is clean doesn't mean she has changed. She was 4 when my son died...and we knew that was the most vulnerable age...so the whole family went out of their way to protect her and help her...but it has been bad...and she is clean...but then started enabling her sister by kicking in when her sister discarded me (not manipulable any more) and the two older sisters started doing it (they were out of contact with me--as I was heartbroken and when I came back from Chile they all chose to go no contact...because at that time I was looking for my daughter...and then I was working and when I would contact them they would continue calling me crazy...and I have never been crazy...so the projecting of their guilt (per my therapist) on me as the stronger parent is apparently what was going on...it just felt like h*ll. So, got a therapist in June...desperate...and she had me set boundaries...and I wasn't aware of all the stress build up but apparently others can see it in me...have never known the stress until it hits with one last thing that I can't handle...which for me was the job loss, husband finishing up a job in Chile but there will be no money, and I am being frugal...and carrying on...paying the bills and have a couple of months rent...and I think I have awakened now to the fact that there are many people...including my family of origin and certain members of my immediate family who do not accept that...and that my entire life has been a fight to survive...but I am a fighter...and I am here. I had some blessings from my higher power...I need to be grateful for every good thing...the doctor who left the written prescription so I don't have to try to find a doctor, the business insurance person who took the effort to send me my COBRA enrollment package so that I can enroll sooner rather than later and pay a few months of COBRA while I get to feeling better...the medication is what my doctor gave me before going to Chile...but I never got on it regularly as the stress of the move and the family separating (we had been living together for all the previous years) and finding construction projects in Chile...despite a socialist thinking government so hard to be a contractor...and also capitalist to a certain degree...very confusing but basically makes Chile's dependence on copper for money very understandable and it's volatile economy...however, husband got to fulfill his 37 year old dream of returning and I had made him that promise and then he decided that he doesn't want to be there...although he has been there for 3 years...and finished 4 projects and it has been hard...but done in two weeks and he is handling it...although his absence is so hard for me...going on 40 years with him...I had the wonderful pleasure of reconnecting with my 'adoptive' family from 40 years ago...still wonderful and caring to me...and it was so good, losing weight...as I walked more (very sedentary) and took buses and learned that time in south america is almost too slow, and to reconnect for a 40'th year class reunion with the class where I was an exchange student...and we located the other exchange student...and it was good...and hard...and this last year with my daughter and now the no contact was good...and hard...and now I am resting and doing what I need for my health to get back up and take other steps...but the health has manifested as the 1st thing...and as I have always had a demeanor that makes people believe I am strong...and I have been strong...through much...I am trusting God that I am doing what is right and that the timing is right and that all is unfolding as it should...although I have no clue how to do that...I have received good suggestions here...body work (massage) and other things that will come back to me...right now I can't remember well...but trying...slow by slow to write things down and then organize as I can...and when my notes get too jumbled everywhere (this scares me...as I know that I am good at putting things together on paper and organizing and this is frightening but know that it will get better)--the therapist, but first the COBRA payment next week...and thank you God that I wasn't turned down until yesterday because I saw my therapist on two days...and there was no charge...so I am ok--and it doesn't matter why I didn't get the package sent...I reached out to my ex-boss (I was in shock and stress the day they let me go...but I did get a severance so have a bit to deal with) on email and in 3 instances of reach out (I just wanted to run and feel ashamed and guilty but I know I didn't do anything wrong...just stressed and people can read it on my face when I am stressed and I also did my job which is a hard job...to tell companies when they are out of money...and had to do that in April...well... reasons don't matter...I am crashing again...after getting it together for the resume and the unemployment...so the next step is medication...and that is a bit of a project but I can get it done thank you God for the doctor...and I can afford a few more months of the medical attention...including a therapist who helped 12 years ago with my 2nd daughter...and who I trust...and the meds doctor who is kind and long-term...and my naranon meeting...and considering the suggestion of my therapist to go mega alanon f2f meetings...that seems pretty much today but will continue keeping it in mind).
So just want you all to know...I know what the issues are (sort of), have a lot to do to get through the newest set...setting boundaries with the 2nd daughter was essential and because she is manipulative and self centered (but thank you God...now working and taking care of her twin daughters which we did for 7 years while she finished college living with us)--I am also taking my therapists advice that I do not need any criticism in my life...I know that where I am is where I am...I am working my program...one minute at a time...my higher power gives me gifts and help...the long deep conversation with my Skype friend in MA who I met 4 years ago playing farmtown on facebook (no longer play the games...they are too addictive for me...but met a dear friend...and when we are on Skype...it is like we are together), my husband Skyped me today...my oldest daughter and oldest son have reached out to me after I sent them emails setting boundaries with them in June--well I reached out to them and told them how much I loved them...which I always do...but mentioned that I had a therapist again...and then set boundaries with the oldest daughter when she pushed me more...and I was just honest with her...and now we have seen each other and my grandson 3-4 times.
I finally told my 2nd daughter (3rd child) that I could not handle her unkind communication and bullying as she worked to get me to turn on a dime and take my 20 year old son in...and was very negative about him...turns out she has a new boyfriend and had plans to go as a group with the twins to Mexico...and I have known for years that she is a taker...even the therapists named it...so I stood up to her and told her that she couldn't just dump him...he is an adult...that just because it was convenient for her to move him here without him being involved it was not ok...and I told her not to make me the middle man...that it was her job to kick him out...and it was not my responsibility to take him in to make it easier for her...and she wrote back 'okay' and then for the first time in our lives I think...she felt like a person to me instead of someone who just wanted to be taken care of and the favorite (in high school, she convinced people she was an only child)--and then I called later and asked how it went and she said he was packing his boxes.
He ended up coming here but through a personal discussion and also, I guess I am isolating and so it is helpful for today...and he is doing awesome...not irresponsible like she said...focusing on the one negative thing out of all...and fortunately my older daughter shared with me that he is actually doing good. He is messy (as am I) but working and studying...and my messy doesn't bother him...and his messy doesn't bother him...I work every few days to straighten up more...and that is part of working my program...
Well...this has been a novel...but want you all to know that no matter what you post...it is all good...it is me who needs to change...I am clear on that...just not clear on how I can be back to such small small baby steps after doing a very high energy big job for the last 15 months...but I have learned that if I ask God to help me...helped I will be as long as I can trust and turn over as best as I can in that minute...and reading here shows me all the different nuances that can be true in circumstances...and yet the story of addiction/codependency is always the same...and I am trusting...I choose to trust.
Blessings to all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
