jessicajoe

Posting at 4.30 am in our hotel suite as he snores.
I won't watch him kill himself. It's nearly time.
Before we came away I asked him to please not start drinking until the evenings so we could have some "sober" time together during the day. I had already decided that this was just me telling him what I would like and didn't have consequences. I wanted to enjoy the vacation either way.
Day one about 1pm he mentioned beer. I said "I'm not the beer police. You do what you think is best" So of course he started drinking.
He actually needs to drink a lot before he is slobbery drunk so we could still go shopping or out for an early dinner but there has only been one day he waited until we were out at the theater in the evening to start.
I really try not to be different around him, to detach and accept I can't control it. But he sees the difference in me since "Awareness" he senses the sadness that I wear like a cape and sober or drunk he spends a lot of time saying Are you okay?" and I say "yes" but the answer is really no.

I saved one of the stickies as the desktop wallpaper on my laptop with my notes added.

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child. ( I often think of him , his needs practical and emotional as childlike)

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
(more and more every day)

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort. (yes I feel more and more its time to go but still he holds me and tells me he loves me and I imagine how sad and lonely my life will be without him)

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss. (I don't know if he causes the heartache or I cause it myself, he never pretended to be anything other than what he is. He drinks more but he is no less loving and kind)

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know. (I still melt when he smiles at me. He still tells me I'm beautiful. Alcohol wears a prettier dress than me)

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
(Almost there on this one)

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth. (I honestly believe that some of the weight I have gained, the condition of my hair, the slips in my previous high standards of personal care are not his fault, but related to worry, lack of sleep, all the things that go along with loving an A)

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become. (I think about this, about decorating my house, sorting out my debts, getting a proper social life back)

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart. (This one is why I am still here. He still knows how to make me feel loved)

The Pain Stops: When you are ready. (nearly)

Today he didn't drink until I fell asleep at night. I woke about 3.30am and he was finishing up and heading for bed. Its just sad. That has to be addiction. To have had a great day in a lovely place with a person who loves you but still need to pour beer down your throat alone in the dark for 5 hours before you can sleep.
I understand about "terminal uniqueness" I know he is who he is and I am who I am but its hard because I read all the posts about people who's As are cruel or unloving. That's not him. He just loves alcohol more than me and our future gets smaller and smaller and I deserve more.
I think I'm going to be posting soon that I'm done and I'm really going to need this place.

makomago

I was the alcoholic in my relationship. I was addicted to alcohol, an alcoholic. I was very sick. I caused much of the pain and suffering and confusion you are experiencing. All I can say is when my partner told me the truth, the cold hard facts and that she wanted me to leave her and the kids and find somewhere to live my world collapsed, I hit bottom and sought help. The message 'the truth' was done with loving kindness (which was new) .. we stayed together and the mental obsession is gone. I even pour her drinks for her (when she has one, which is rare). Good luck.

Helenlee

And when you need them, they will be there. Always, all ways, offering experience & insight as you let go of the pain you have clung to so tightly for so long. They will be there to support & encourage you as you begin to focus on yourself & your life, & as you begin to breath again for the first time in years. They are awesome & I don't know what I would have done without every one of them.

tootsl1

Jessicajoe, i was exactly where you are, 13 years ago, though I am sure I would not have been able to put it so eloquently. I agree with all you say, and yes, I feel you are there. Something which may catch you unaware, although I went through all the mental goodbyes before the end, I still had to go through all the grief at the end of the relationship. I also had a lot of guilt to cope with, as I realised how much I had enabled his behaviour, and how I was cutting him lose to sink or swim. I now know he chose drink over me, I chose life over him. I have a great life now, even though I am dealing with my own alcoholism and am 7 months sober. I have a great man in my life who I love more than alcohol, and who loves me enough to support me in my sobriety.
I wish you well my friend. Xx

Seren

Hello jessicajoe, I'm not sure there is anything I can say to make this better except that your life can get better. The sad part is that it may be without him if he won't listen to anything you say or get help for himself.

Sending hugs!

meggem

jessicajoe I related to your alcohol "rules" I'll neve forget our first family vacation (cousins, aunts, parents) and we pulled up to the hotel - I said please do not go and buy beer - lets unpack get settled, etc. He promised me. Then he brought a few bags to the room, went across the street and bought beer. He said he wasn't going to start drinking "right AWAY" like I was nuts. But he did, and he drank the entire week, from morning until night. I was so embarrassed and angry. When I tried to confront him privately he said I was "ruining this for him". I remember telling him no six packs - get a 40 ounce. Then I remember no drinking before 3 pm. I remember no 12 packs. Only 6 packs. I remember telling him "no drinking during the week". All of this would either work for a very short time, or not at all. If he didn't drink during the week he came home Friday with a 12 pack prouder than a peacock as if he accomplished something. He went to rehab 10/7 - on his own, in tears, grief stricken at what he had done to the living room and me several days prior (I am down a lamp). I remember going to Musikfest (a big yearly festival, concerts, vendors,etc) and we bought beer tickets. the girls had had it and it was time to go. We still had beer tickets left - I didn't care about them - I had enough and so did he. Do you know he had to use all the beer tickets because we paid for them and why waste them?? are you kidding me? I am going to reread your post again, but I wanted to relate to what you wrote in the beginning. You are not alone!!!

DreamsofSerenity

Jessicajoe,

I fully understand your dilemma. I stayed with my exabf for four years. Looking back, I wish I had done us both a favor and left as soon as I figured out he was an alcoholic. I'm only now seeing how our relationship enabled his drinking and what a massive toll it took on my life.

An active alcoholic is not relationship material, period. Whatever good times you are having with this A are not sober good times. The foundation of your relationship is alcoholism and disease, so anything you are building with him will be unstable and prone to collapse.

The second time I went out with my ex, we had this amazing goodnight kiss that lasted about three hours--I just got goosegumps thinking about it. For so long, I couldn't make sense of how it was possible to experience that kind of connection with someone and then have everything collapse into an alcoholic/codie disaster four years later. Then it dawned on me that he was drunk that night, and if I have to be honest, I was too.

We spent the rest of the relationship drunk, he on booze and I on love. There was nothing solid to fall back on when life's real problems arose. Laying in bed and telling someone you love them is the easy part. Being there for them as a stable and reliable life partner is something else entirely.

Your life will indeed feel lonely without your A in it. In fact, it will probably hurt like hell for a while. However, IMO, you will be sparing yourself so much more pain in the future.

My exabf also made me feel more loved than I had ever felt in my life. But in the end, he showed me very brutally that booze came first and it always had.

Please don't think I am telling you what to do. I totally understand how hard it is to let go. And I am the first to admit I don't have any answers about how to survive loving an alcoholic.

Hugs.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

dandylion

Jessica, this makes me think of the alcoholic who is near the end of the relationship with alcohol---alcohol is the thing they cannot fathom living without. But, progressively, the alcohol delivers less and less pleasure, It is no longer the sweet balm that it was in the beginning. Then, finally, there is no pleasure--just the daily fight to prevent withdrawl. No more pleasure--only pain.

This is the point when many alcoholics will cry out (pray) for sobriety. The pain of drinking finally becomes greater than the fear of sobriety.

I think this is how it is for those of us who are "stuck" in a painful, destructive relationship--one where the benefits are dwindling. Finally, one day the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. The scales have finally tilted.

I think this is one way of looking at it.....


dandylion

Yurt

Dandylion,
Your posts always help put things into perspective for me.
Yurt

dandylion

Dear Yurt---Thank you---I am so glad if my words can help someone.

I can look back at some dark or desperate times and remember when someone reached out a hand to me. At those times, I couldn't return the favors in kind---but, I have always felt the need to pay it forward.

Thanks for your kind words.

dandylion

honeypig

DOS, thanks for posting this. I wish I had realized this in my early 20s rather than just getting an inkling here in my mid 50s. I have been in one relationship after another like this.

And I see where it applies to ME, too...I've certainly done my share of being long on the words and short on the actions, as much as I don't like to own up to that.

Again, thanks for that "thought for the day" there.

Becki67

I love this post. I just printed it off and sent a copy to my sister who just left her AH and I'm in the process of making plans to leave my ABF.

So true!!

spiderqueen

I also didn't think of my A as cruel or unloving, and I mostly still don't now that we're apart. However, with some perspective 3 months after the break up, I do see that his relentless downward spiral and lack of self-care ultimately WAS a cruel punishment to me, who had entrusted my heart and future to him. He didn't INTEND this, it was just one of the many awful consequences of his alcoholic behavior.

When he admitted to me that he was "broken", and a "liability" to me and my daughters, and then begged me to stay with him anyway, I realized that his judgement was terrifyingly off, and that until and unless he achieved lasting sobriety, working some kind of consistent program, I was going to have to go it alone.

As it has been said countless times here, the choice to let our addicted partner go, and seek recovery and a healthier life for OURSELVES, can only have good consequences, all around.

Take good care of yourself, jj. We will be here for you when you need us.

NeedSomeHappy

Jessicajoe,

I, too, am in a similar boat. My AH is quite loving and attentive romantically, he makes me laugh, and can sometimes hold a decent conversation...but with 3 misdemeanor drug charges on his record, the chances of him being an equal partner and contributor are reduced. Add that to the fact that he uses his record as an excuse ("It will be years before I will ever find a better job anyway" - he works 10-15hrs a week at a grocery store and 15ish hours a week at a bbq restaurant), and CONTINUES to use marijuana (what all 3 charges on his record are for), as well as drink fairly heavily (beer every night - liquor too if he has any. Beer all day long on the weekend plus liquor.)...well I had to take a step back and re-assess.

The money he makes goes toward himself first (weed and booze, gas, his fines from his most recent arrest in March) and then he might contribute $50 a week to the finances. Meanwhile I work full time and pay every last bill. Every. Last. One. The few times I brought this fact up to AH, he whines "Oh I always thought money was something we would NEVER fight about, cause we aren't like all those other materialistic people!"

So I have realized that I am enabling him by providing for his every need - financial, emotional, sexual, all of it. In the beginning, I felt proud...that's what people in love do, right? They take care of each other! Took me a long time to see I was doing much more harm than good, both to him and to myself.

I am sure you feel like your insides are tied in knots...that is how I feel around my AH. Even when he is being sweet, it fills me with anxiety. I think because deep down I know I am being manipulated - he is pulling out all the stops because hey - no one wants their meal ticket to leave, right?? I have been struggling with this for over a year. I am just now feeling like I am almost ready to go. It happens on your own time, and you will make your decisions your way.

(hug) You are not alone!

RhodeIsland

Wow. JessicaJoe, this was one of the best, saddest, and hopeful posts I've ever read.