cinmarc

Hello,
My wife is 90 days clean and I am very proud of her. The problem is that once I got her into rehab, she would not see me, talk to me, or any other form of communication. To get her to go I had to go to the police because she hit me with a wine bottle damaging my eye. Before she returned home I left our home to stay at a friends. 4 days later I had an intervention and she accepted going for help. She hugged everyone except me. A week after being in rehab I opened my Amex bill and I see a charge for hiring a divorce attorney. This was done a couple of days after her arrest and before she went into rehab. Now you have a little history.
Even though her counselor and others told her to wait a year before making any life changing decisions, my wife has continued with the divorce. She seems to still have the angry attitude of when she was drunk even though she is 90 days clean. I have been told that having been an alcoholic for 7 years, your personality changes. If that is true, I am wondering if she still has the attitude of an alcoholic and has continued to be mean and cruel to me. I am the only one she has not connected back with. We are married for 40 years and it has been hard to not see or hear her voice for over 3 months and on top she files for divorce. If she does still have the mind set of when she was drunk, how long does it take for her to realize how cruel she is treating me.

Tuffgirl

Wow, cinmarc, this must be very hard for you. I am sorry.

She is only 90 days sober? That isn't very long. From what I have been told by recovering alcoholics, it can take a few years for the brain to completely right itself and new patterns and coping skills learned to stick.

My guess - she is some kind of mad at you, and blames you, and really didn't want to stop drinking, and you forced her, and she is in payback mode.

What can you do? Go to Al-Anon. Learn some new coping skills too. Focus on yourself. Let her focus on her own recovery. And take her off your credit card accounts. If she wants to file for divorce, let her find her own way to pay for it.

Keep reading - lots of great wisdom here,
~T

kyara

WOW! I know when I first began seeing a counsellor I was a little angry with my husband. First of all, I compared my drinking to many others and did not feel is was near as bad, therefore why should he push so hard for me to get help. For me it was guilt and shame for being an alcoholic. I would say things like - its only been 5 years compared to someone with 20 years, but in the end I realized he was scared for me, for our relationship for our family. I wasn't taking the time to consider his feelings or my childrens. When I really looked at it, and understood he only wanted what was best - I was forever grateful for the push. But I had to come to that decision on my own, and with the help of the counsellors once I opened up to talking to them. Hopefully, in time she will see that you just love her and want whats best.

Flavia2

I am so sorry to hear that you were physically abused. To be honest, I would be afraid that she would hurt you again if she relapses. Please protect yourself!

cinmarc

Thank you. We have had issues for the last 6-7 years about her complaining I am controlling. I pay all the bills and make sure there is enough money to pay them. To do that I need to say we cannot spend when she wants to do something. I have asked her for many years to take over this responsibility and she will not. Until you are responsible for making sure all bills are paid, she has no right to call me controlling. As far as other issues it has to do with me, more than her enabling our adult children. As a husband who works from home, I do not have any close friends, which many husbands are the same way too. My wife was my best friend and I wanted to be with her to spend the evening with. As the wife and female she does have a circle of friends. So at times she thinks I am smothering her. This considered a control issue too. I have been going to a therapist for 2 years and the changes she wants and asked me to work on I am. The problem is that she expects change immediately, which according to my therapist can take months as it takes time to change your ways. Since she has used these issues in the past to say she will divorce me, she never has gone for couples therapy when asked. Instead she drank to numb herself. Now after going to the police to get her help, I think this was her chance or excuse to get the ball rolling and divorce me. So with her drunkenness, our issues, and going to the police, her mindset told her to file for divorce.
That is why I was asking if have been drinking for 7 years, does it change who she was and her personality. I just can't figure out, regardless of our issues, why she asked to renew our vows the week before and tell me how much she loves me, then come home and beat me with a bottle and then file for divorce. My wife was not as mean and cruel like she now toward me. I do go to al anon and of course they say to help yourself and grow. But I still love my wife of 40 years and cannot just say one day I love you and the next I don't like her.

dandylion

Dear cinmark, It looks to me that your wife, while in early recovery, still has a long, long way to go. Many spouses say that the first year of recovery is soo difficult--as difficult, or more, than the origional drinking.

I can see why you are 'Reeling" from hurt and confusion. To me, it seems like it would be best if you put a lot of distance--especially emotional (known as detaching) and, maybe even physical (given that she was so angry as to physically assault you.

I know this is not how you envisioned your marriage going---but, reality is reality---and, you can't control what you can't control.

You are going to need extra support--because you may have lots of emotional changes, also---possibly a grieving process as you are trying to accept the new "normal". You are going to need a "soft place to fall", for yourself. Alanon would be really good for you, right now.

Was/is your therapy for your marriage or for yourself? This is an important question.

dandylion

cinmarc

The therapy has been for myself. My wife would never join me. The funny thing is that she greatly believes in therapy. This divorce is very hard for me. You are right I am still greiving even though everyone says to mive on, worry about me, and let her go. It is hard when you have loved someone as much as me for the last 40 years. She had a temp restraining order place on me and the hearing was Tuesday. Everything she claimed was not true and i had proof and documents to prove it. She claimed that a Verizon store told her that I had 3 tracking devices on her phone. First of all I do not know how, and also Verizon said it is against the law and I would not have been able to. What they think is that their guy showed her an app where it can locate her phone and she thought I did it. It comes with the phone. Like the iPhone has that feature if lost or stolen. When you put an app in on your phone it asks for you password to download, so I wouldn't have been able as well. It was the same with all her other claims. I actually think she was not intentionally lying, but rather she just believed it. This why I have been asking if her Alcoholism changed her personality and way she thinks.

bi11fish

cinmarc sorry to hear you are hurting, my ex wife served me with divorce papers after 30 yrs of marriage. I am the alcoholic and when the papers were delivered I was 9 years sober. I cannot determine what is or was going on in my ex's mind, all I could do is take care of myself and let life happen. There was no cataclysmic event in our life, our relationship was broken beyond repair and no amount of anguish on my part could change that. We divorced and she married my best friend.The good news is today, 10 years later is I am still sober, we both are in better places in our lives. I guess the bottom line is the destruction of alcoholism has no rhyme or reason it just is. Good luck and take care of yourself. Your wifes higher power will take care of her!!!!

CarryOn

I think Tuffgirl answered your main question...

I think we all change over time and I do believe their personalities change some because of the drinking. My husband relapsed after 17 years, and within a year I felt like he was a total stranger because he was so different. If it took her seven years to reach the point where she is at, you have to figure it is going to take months or possibly years to see who she truly is again...and that may not be the same person she was before she started drinking.

At this point, you have gotten between her and her mister - alcohol. It sounds to me that she is in some deep denial, and is horribly embarrassed so it is better for her to make you look like the bad guy rather than being seen as the abuser. It could be months or years or never before she sees this any differently.

I agree with those who have recommended AlAnon. Does your therapist have a background in addiction? If not, you may find it useful to talk with a therapist that does.

I can feel the pain in your posts...please be gentle with yourself.

ItsViolet

Dear cinmark, I am very sorry you are going through this. Maybe your wife is very angry with herself and she wants to have somebody else to blame, like maybe she wants her alcohol problem to be equally your fault. But even if there are problems in a marriage, it doesn't mean that somebody HAS to get an alcohol problem. Her alcohol problem is hers, it may be triggered by certain things but at root it comes from inside her, and maybe she just can't see that right now because it's too painful or lonely to cop to that.

My mom is so distant that sometimes I wonder if she is afraid of me, specifically because I'm the only one that ever called her out on her alcohol problem several times. I wanted her to get help, a long time ago. But she never did. I have seen first hand how people with substance abuse problems can and will take their frustrations out on the people who most want to help them. And how sometimes they literally just can't seem to see how much they hurt the people who love them.

I don't think that alcohol necessarily changes people for the worse. People's personalities change over time for a lot of reasons, of course. But some people change for the worse, and some change for the better, right? And when people get sober, plenty of people's personalities change for the better. I agree with dandylion that your wife has a long, long way to go. She needs to do a lot of work on herself to find some inner peace. And maybe then she might become happier. But she has to be willing to do the work. And it might take a long, long time for her fog to lift and for her to start seeing clearly and objectively.

In the meantime, please be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. You're important too. And how you feel is important. Take care

Hammer

You have likely went across the line from an issue of "personality change," to a more true definition of a "personality disorder." Many long term alcoholics (and other addicts) use their Drug of Choice to "self medicate" their Mental Illness.

Take away the Self Medication, and the Mental Illness / Personality Disorder comes raging to the front.

While various rehab centers do work successfully on Alcohol or Addiction, the underlying Mental Illnesses are a Very Specialized area with many fewer competent service providers.

for TMI of our household condition which sounds somewhat like yours . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

Freebird13

Quitting drinking doesn't automatically resolve deep seated issues in your marriage that had nothing to do with drinking. It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues, anger, and resentments. A big part of the recovery process is to 1) be honest with yourself and others about your issues, the cause and effects of your issues, and the anger and resentments you have and 2) to work at resolving the issues and eradicating the anger and resentments. She is in the process of healing and finding herself. This could take quite some time.

Try to be patient and not force the issues with her. Back off and remain calm and quiet. Don't respond to anything she says or does. I truly believe in time, if left alone to her own thoughts and recovery, she may have an epiphany and want to save the marriage.

BWalt

90 days clean? Doesn't sound like she has a sponsor, nor is she working through the steps. All people respond to rehab differently and not all hard drinkers are true alcoholics from what I've learned over the past week. My AW was in the end stages of alcoholism; she was angry drunk or sober, hated life and truly wanted to die. She welcomed treatment, but like all alcoholics, she resisted going when the time came. She's on step 2 after 3 weeks, fighting a bit, but she's hitting the big book hard because if she doesn't, this disease will kill her.

The treatment facility touched on hard drinkers and per one of the guys there, they just need to learn from their mistakes. There are definitely some alcoholic behaviors going on, but only 7 years of drinking? Sounds like there are other things going on, but my opinion & $8 will get you a decent coffee at starbucks.

Best of luck to you in sorting this out.

B