who's the child here?

[McKrazy]

I just have to wonder, although I know I shouldn't, just who is the child, or should I juvenile, here at our house. My daughter has really been struggling with her dad lately because of some broken promises regarding drinking he made a number of months back. I truly think he made them when he thought he still had control over his drinking and the lack of control has been just as surprising to him as it has been heart-breaking for me. But at the time he sat my three daughters down and explained the disease, and that he knows it's killing him and the family, and that he was going to do this , and this, and this, and then it would make everything better...... well, you all know the rest of that story. He's tried a few things, but it progresses and as fast as he tries something, it has become worse. So, she's mad and she's shown a bit of "attitude" towards him the past few months. And finally he asks her last night what's up and she's honest (yay!) and tells him how angry she is. He then tells her that that's B.S. and that he's trying and wouldn't it be great to be perfect, and yada yada yada. Anyway, he tells me this morning that he's giving up on her. If that's how she's going to be, then so be it. He's "got two other daughters, and he'll just focus on them"! I as quiet and listened, and just said, well, that's a choice each person has to make in any relationship, I would just remind you (me talking to him) that she's the child and you are the adult....... Wham! Bang! Pow! he unloads on me and the discussion is ended.
I'm bummed! That's my vent, thanks for listening.
Oh, and happy memorial day, all,
Pam

[Ann]

It's just so hard not to get in the middle of other people's relationships, especially when one of them is your child. Good for her for honestly sharing when asked, and that in itself tells me that she may be okay. It's if they have to keep it all inside that more damage is done.

It puts a big load on your shoulders to be the only responsible adult here, but just know that one day it will all pay off and may make the difference in how they turn out.

Is she old enough to attend ACOA? I'm thinking that having other children her age to share with might help her know she is not a freak and not alone. If not, perhaps there is literature you could get for her to try to help her understand that none of this is her fault.

Hugs and Prayers for all of you
Ann

[Gabe]

McTired,
Oh my, I'm flashing back to life with Spicoli here.
My kids acted more like adults than he did time after time.
Good for your daughter. I'm glad she laid it out with him.
What he does, or doesn't do with that is up to him.
Once, when we were down at the beach visiting my parents...Spicoli was acting like a total ass. After he stormed out of the house, my mother asked my son what was wrong with Spicoli. My son replied,
"Oh, he just never grew up."
That about summed it up.
Gabe

[smoke gets in my eyes]

Hi Pam.

Wouldn't you just like to turn him over your knee?

Hugs for you and your daughter!
Smoke

[McKrazy]

okay, here's the question to all of you who've "been there", either as ACOA's or having children now grown and out of the house...... and I know this is a really tough question, and I know I can count on your honesty......
if you had to do it again, would you as ACOA's rather have had the "healthy" parent move out and provide one environment that was more stable, or stayed altogether come hell or high water?
or as a parent with grown children, are you glad you stayed together/left (as the case may be)? Don't worry, I will make my own decision when/if the time comes, I'm just really curious as to experiences and outcomes. I was not involved in an alcoholic home and therefore don't have much to go on in that department. But my spouse's siblings grew up in an abusive/oppressive environment and have grown up with much resentment at "mom" for not leaving him and sticking up for them....
any feedback?
(who am I kidding... you guys are the royalty at feedback, and I love you for it!)
Pam

[Gabe]

Dear God Pam, I love being referred to as royalty.
Okay, as for my family of origin...I never, ever understood why my father stayed with my mother. It took falling in love with, and marrying an alcoholic to get that point across. And I had a really nice, and very healing, conversation with my father about that very thing. That conversation is in my treasure box forever.
As for the family I ended up in, I stayed with Spicoli through hell, high water and back again. Mostly for the kids. After doing all that, he took a hike on me when he decided it was time to reinvent his life. After I lived through three very angry months, I realized that him leaving was necessary and the best thing that ever happened to me and my kids.
In the course of my life, if I don't make decisions, they are made for me.
That's just the way it goes in Gabe's neck of the woods.

[smoke gets in my eyes]

ACoA- As Dads go, mine was one of the best in the neighborhood. Around the corner, the Dad didn't work. Across the street the Dad hit the mom. Next door... well... he drank too, but not beer. On the other side... wimp. Gambler. Dictator. I am very grateful my Mom stuck it out and I have only recently begun to have a clue how tough it was for her. I picked up some bad relationship habits, but everybody in my neighborhood did. Just different ones. My mom never threatened to leave my Dad ... I mean... not just him. She threatened to leave all of us. To me she looked like the bad guy. Isn't that ironic?

[McKrazy]

yipes, I have heard that before, smoke, and I can't figure out why so many kids are mad at the non-drinker. That frightens me for sure. My oldest has been quite vocal that she wants us to leave, but I do give her the reality check of what exactly that would "look like", as she also has expensive tastes that I for sure would not be able to indulge. Can you put a price tag on peace? I find myself salivating when I think about it sometimes.... yes, actually drooling all over the place!LOL that presents quite a picture, doesn't it? No, honestly, when he's gone (which is a wonderful 24 hours at a time) I feel myself again and I feel incredibly younger, more beautiful, more peaceful, more energetic.... gosh, I could just go on and on. Then he's home... instant tension in a jar! I look like an action packed slinky on a mission.

[jessieandme2003]

My son replied,
"Oh, he just never grew up."
That about summed it up.

Perfect.

I can only respond to your question about staying and leaving to say in my case my daughter wnated my AH out, But he wasn't her Dad, he is my second husband. She is much happier in the house now that he is gone. SHe will freely say so. It hurt her to see how he treated me. Not violence or anything, just a selfishness about him that she also saw and hated.

[freya]

I always wished that my mom would have left my dad -- in fact, I remember many many conversations (from my early to mid teen years) in which I tried very, very hard to convince her to do just that. She felt she had to stay and "take care of him" for his mom -- who was dead and who had loved him way-too-much. (My mom idolized my dad's mom and they were very, very close.....sometimes I wondered if she had married him because she loved him or because she loved his mother.) At any rate, my mom finally came to live with me in 1989, and I made it very cear that I would never have my father living with us -- no matter how bad his situation got (In fact, if I remember correctly, the expression I used was "even if he's dying on the street!") Luckily, he died of a heart attack in 1996 -- because I meant what I had said but I know that if he had really ever gotten to a place where he was totally non-functioning, she would have moved back out (regardless of how hard it would have been for her or how bad it wold have been for her personally) to live with him and try to take care of him. UGH!!!!