Being supportive or enabling?
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Being supportive or enabling?
So a few weeks ago I wrote a post about how my fiance came to live with me after a grueling 3 week medical detox, but 2 weeks after his release, began his relapse. After the third confrontation (I told him he could not drink at my house) he left and went home. We ended the engagement and the relationship. I then read 2 books in a matter of days and educated myself about the disease. Those helped me a lot.
Its been a week and a half since left and yes started drinking 24 oz alcoholic energy drinks (12% alcohol) at the rate of 2 to 3 per night. I read the alcohol content in these, mixed with the caffeine, is equivalent to 5 beers each. Very scary! I'm surprised he's chosen these as his beverage of choice as he has always had severe insomnia and hates energy drinks ( the caffeine makes him jittery).
Anyways, I wasn't in communication with him for the first couple of days after he left. Then he sent me a suicidal text apologizing for all of his alcoholic behavior and how wonderful I was. We texted back and forth and I was very even-keeled and unemotional and let him know it was up to him to get better and that there was nothing I could do for him anymore. However, I did tell him I loved him and I'd be supportive if he decided to take action and get help. He began to respond with anger, trying to start a fight (he seems to like to break me down) and so I ended the conversation and said I would not tolerate the abuse. He later texted back and apologized and said be missed me.
A few days later, I was in panic mode and went to his house to check up on him. I saw how much he had been drinking. It was devastating. I went in the morning because I knew he'd be sober then. He doesn't drink until that "witching hour" in the evening. I stayed with him for several hours and be opened up a lot about his childhood and PTSD and emotional issues and he told me he cannot stop because he hates himself. He is very, very self-loathing. He said he wants help and that alcohol is a prison and misery. I bad talked to his family about what was going on and that killed him. Hes embarrassed and feels like a burden to them when they have to worry and he said he just wants to talk to me. The family involvement seems to bring him a lot more pain. And they really are not helpful. So I agreed to leave them out and be there for him when needed. He upped his therapy sessions and changed his weak antidepressant to a supposedly better one that also helps quell cravings and started biweekly acupuncture (auricular). He asked his psychiatrist about Antabuse, but he was against it.
I saw him a couple of times since then this week. His self-loathing is getting worse and his anger is increasing. He's drinking more. He's stopped going to the gym because he hates looking at himself in the mirror. He's stopped answering calls/texts from friends and family and only occasionally answers mine. He says he is done talking to his father (who's an alcoholic and pretty much abandoned him until adulthood). Then I cried one day and gave him all the power back and every time I try to talk about his problem he accuses me of finding joy in humiliating him. He tells me its too late and I will never get the man back that he used to be. He says he should have been dead 10 years ago as its been misery since then (ups and downs). Then after his rants, he comes down and says he needs help and that I'm the only reason he still wants to be here in earth at all. These rants are sober. I won't talk to him when he's drunk. He then seems fine for the rest of the day and goes to his appointments, but drinks again at night and it all starts over.
He is suicidal and alone. He's cut everyone out but me. And he tries to cut me out often lately, but comes back and cries for help. I've been doing what I need to do for myself and have been trying not to worry about him, but of course, I do. He has deep abandonment issues from his childhood. I'm afraid to abandon him again when he needs someone most. But I hate that he is drinking. I hate him when he's drunk and won't talk to him then. I feel as if I am working harder to keep him afloat then he is and I'm worrying more about him then he worries about himself. And my efforts sometimes seem futile. I'm sending him information, songs (he is a musician and songs will really hit him), suggestions, little pick-me-ups, a haply memory...whatever I can think of to get him motivated. But he's not there yet. So now I wonder...is it healthy for him to have my support or am I just enabling the disease by not turning and walking away? I am worried about him and of course that can get to me, but I feel I am in a pretty good place emotionally to handle his anger and negativity. I've learned about the disease and how to turn a deaf ear. Its not him, its the disease talking. I know if I were in his situation, I'd hope I had somebody who cared. Especially being suicidal. He even mentioned he noticed his gun was missing (i gave it to his friend) so it's scary knowing that he went looking for it. But am I helping him at all by being supportive? Or is he just manipulating me (and I'd so, why?)? He tells me sometimes to leave him alone, but he still reaches out to me. Any advice? I'm so confused as how to best help him!
Its been a week and a half since left and yes started drinking 24 oz alcoholic energy drinks (12% alcohol) at the rate of 2 to 3 per night. I read the alcohol content in these, mixed with the caffeine, is equivalent to 5 beers each. Very scary! I'm surprised he's chosen these as his beverage of choice as he has always had severe insomnia and hates energy drinks ( the caffeine makes him jittery).
Anyways, I wasn't in communication with him for the first couple of days after he left. Then he sent me a suicidal text apologizing for all of his alcoholic behavior and how wonderful I was. We texted back and forth and I was very even-keeled and unemotional and let him know it was up to him to get better and that there was nothing I could do for him anymore. However, I did tell him I loved him and I'd be supportive if he decided to take action and get help. He began to respond with anger, trying to start a fight (he seems to like to break me down) and so I ended the conversation and said I would not tolerate the abuse. He later texted back and apologized and said be missed me.
A few days later, I was in panic mode and went to his house to check up on him. I saw how much he had been drinking. It was devastating. I went in the morning because I knew he'd be sober then. He doesn't drink until that "witching hour" in the evening. I stayed with him for several hours and be opened up a lot about his childhood and PTSD and emotional issues and he told me he cannot stop because he hates himself. He is very, very self-loathing. He said he wants help and that alcohol is a prison and misery. I bad talked to his family about what was going on and that killed him. Hes embarrassed and feels like a burden to them when they have to worry and he said he just wants to talk to me. The family involvement seems to bring him a lot more pain. And they really are not helpful. So I agreed to leave them out and be there for him when needed. He upped his therapy sessions and changed his weak antidepressant to a supposedly better one that also helps quell cravings and started biweekly acupuncture (auricular). He asked his psychiatrist about Antabuse, but he was against it.
I saw him a couple of times since then this week. His self-loathing is getting worse and his anger is increasing. He's drinking more. He's stopped going to the gym because he hates looking at himself in the mirror. He's stopped answering calls/texts from friends and family and only occasionally answers mine. He says he is done talking to his father (who's an alcoholic and pretty much abandoned him until adulthood). Then I cried one day and gave him all the power back and every time I try to talk about his problem he accuses me of finding joy in humiliating him. He tells me its too late and I will never get the man back that he used to be. He says he should have been dead 10 years ago as its been misery since then (ups and downs). Then after his rants, he comes down and says he needs help and that I'm the only reason he still wants to be here in earth at all. These rants are sober. I won't talk to him when he's drunk. He then seems fine for the rest of the day and goes to his appointments, but drinks again at night and it all starts over.
He is suicidal and alone. He's cut everyone out but me. And he tries to cut me out often lately, but comes back and cries for help. I've been doing what I need to do for myself and have been trying not to worry about him, but of course, I do. He has deep abandonment issues from his childhood. I'm afraid to abandon him again when he needs someone most. But I hate that he is drinking. I hate him when he's drunk and won't talk to him then. I feel as if I am working harder to keep him afloat then he is and I'm worrying more about him then he worries about himself. And my efforts sometimes seem futile. I'm sending him information, songs (he is a musician and songs will really hit him), suggestions, little pick-me-ups, a haply memory...whatever I can think of to get him motivated. But he's not there yet. So now I wonder...is it healthy for him to have my support or am I just enabling the disease by not turning and walking away? I am worried about him and of course that can get to me, but I feel I am in a pretty good place emotionally to handle his anger and negativity. I've learned about the disease and how to turn a deaf ear. Its not him, its the disease talking. I know if I were in his situation, I'd hope I had somebody who cared. Especially being suicidal. He even mentioned he noticed his gun was missing (i gave it to his friend) so it's scary knowing that he went looking for it. But am I helping him at all by being supportive? Or is he just manipulating me (and I'd so, why?)? He tells me sometimes to leave him alone, but he still reaches out to me. Any advice? I'm so confused as how to best help him!
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please keep in mind, he's BEEN to rehab and he HAS a psychiatrist, these are two excellent sources of SUPPORT should HE choose to get sober again. it's a trap WE fall into that WE are all they have...that WE are their only source of support. forgetting somehow the size of the planet and all that.
you cannot cajole him out of this. if YOU were really his solution, he'd be sober. but he's not, because this is not your job, not your problem to fix. if you feel he is truly a danger to himself, call 911 and have them do a care call. right now I don't know if you are "enabling" but you are keeping yourself caught in his trap. probably best to simply send the same consistent message - contact the rehab, or contact his psych dr or contact NA and they can help him.
you cannot cajole him out of this. if YOU were really his solution, he'd be sober. but he's not, because this is not your job, not your problem to fix. if you feel he is truly a danger to himself, call 911 and have them do a care call. right now I don't know if you are "enabling" but you are keeping yourself caught in his trap. probably best to simply send the same consistent message - contact the rehab, or contact his psych dr or contact NA and they can help him.
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Hi shayda, welcome. I am an alcoholic. I think it is helpful to him to not receive when he is being abusive towards you. When he is being considerate of your feelings, that is the time to talk. Let him come to you. Don't take any responsibility for his illness, he needs to. After all, the problem would be there with or without you. My loved ones whose opinion I valued, would not engage with me if i was drinking. However, they would when I was acting right. Don't lock the door, but wait until he knocks sober to open it. That's how I see it. I'm sure you will get more opinions. Take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs.
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Thank you, Pinkdog. That is helpful advice.
I am not speaking with him when he drinks, only sober. And if he gets angry or insulting, I do shut the door and refuse to engage. But I do send him things during the sober hours to try to encourage him. Maybe I should stop that and just wait until he contacts me first--always. I just want him to know I care and he's not alone, but maybe I should let him lead all of the interaction. And of course, only speak to him when he's kind.
I am not speaking with him when he drinks, only sober. And if he gets angry or insulting, I do shut the door and refuse to engage. But I do send him things during the sober hours to try to encourage him. Maybe I should stop that and just wait until he contacts me first--always. I just want him to know I care and he's not alone, but maybe I should let him lead all of the interaction. And of course, only speak to him when he's kind.
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AnvilheadII, thank you for the advice. You're right about me being caught in his trap. And I think pushing the help from the professionals on him is good. I know last weekend, when we were not talking yet after he left, he did call the therapist for an emergency session (or so he says). He needs professional help. He never went to rehab, only to a hospital for a long medical detox. He says he'll go to outpatient rehab "eventually". Ugh. That's one of the things I keep trying to push. I know he probably does want help, but he's not ready. I just worry he'll end up dead before he gets there. He tried to drink himself to death the night I had to call 911 for the third time. He most succeeded with a BAC of. 59. If I can give him ANY hope, I just want to be able to do that. But, I know I'm not his savior and I do have to protect myself first.
Thank you!
Thank you!
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We have all been there. Whatever happens is not your responsibility, and everyone that wants to get clean and sober has to do it for themselves. It's great to be supportive, but be supportive maybe when he's gotten help and been clean and sober for a while? I've fallen into that same trap of feeling like you're the only one there for them, but it doesn't mean that others haven't tried to be there for him just as you're doing. My AH has a family that aided in substance abuse, because they all use, and it lead to painful horrible experiences, but there's only so much you can do. Being there like you are does possibly set you up for manipulation, and just because you feel strong enough emotionally, doesn't mean you always will, and it might be harder to walk away at that point. Please just take care of yourself, and give him time to do the work for himself and then revisit being his support.
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Overit263: That is great insight and advice. Thank you. But, until he is (or if he ever is) truly committed to vetting better, do I answer the phone or reply to the "nice" texts? Or do I make it a point that I will only be available when he is good and sober for awhile? I do find it very, very hard to wall away, but I want to do what is best for him.
Hammer. He is definitely a drama queen! And he brings that out in me, as well! And no, I don't like the drama. I don't like when he does it and I dont like when I throw it right back. He used to get me very engaged in doing so. I never thought about this. Very interesting point. And what I find most interesting is that he says he hates drama and only calls me the drama queen! He knows how to get me going and hooks me in every time, then blames me for having a strong reaction. Well, he did, but I'm not playing his game anymore. But I guess he is pulling me into his drama, I'm just not reacting the same. I'm sure he hates that. He can't make me the bad guy anymore. Guess that's why he keeps telling me he needs me then tries to pick fights.
I would love to go see his therapist, with him, and give her my side of the story. I don't know what BS be is feeding her. If he's not honest with her, its not going to help as much. But then again, I guess that sucks me in deeper.
Hammer. He is definitely a drama queen! And he brings that out in me, as well! And no, I don't like the drama. I don't like when he does it and I dont like when I throw it right back. He used to get me very engaged in doing so. I never thought about this. Very interesting point. And what I find most interesting is that he says he hates drama and only calls me the drama queen! He knows how to get me going and hooks me in every time, then blames me for having a strong reaction. Well, he did, but I'm not playing his game anymore. But I guess he is pulling me into his drama, I'm just not reacting the same. I'm sure he hates that. He can't make me the bad guy anymore. Guess that's why he keeps telling me he needs me then tries to pick fights.
I would love to go see his therapist, with him, and give her my side of the story. I don't know what BS be is feeding her. If he's not honest with her, its not going to help as much. But then again, I guess that sucks me in deeper.
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Overit263: That is great insight and advice. Thank you. But, until he is (or if he ever is) truly committed to vetting better, do I answer the phone or reply to the "nice" texts? Or do I make it a point that I will only be available when he is good and sober for awhile? I do find it very, very hard to wall away, but I want to do what is best for him.
Hammer: He is definitely a drama queen! And he brings that out in me, as well! And no, I don't like the drama. I don't like when he does it and I dont like when I throw it right back. He used to get me very engaged in doing so. I never thought about this. Very interesting point. And what I find most interesting is that he says he hates drama and only calls me the drama queen! He knows how to get me going and hooks me in every time, then blames me for having a strong reaction. Well, he did, but I'm not playing his game anymore. But I guess he is pulling me into his drama, I'm just not reacting the same. I'm sure he hates that. He can't make me the bad guy anymore. Guess that's why he keeps telling me he needs me then tries to pick fights.
I would love to go see his therapist, with him, and give her my side of the story. I don't know what BS be is feeding her. If he's not honest with her, its not going to help as much. But then again, I guess that sucks me in deeper.
Hammer: He is definitely a drama queen! And he brings that out in me, as well! And no, I don't like the drama. I don't like when he does it and I dont like when I throw it right back. He used to get me very engaged in doing so. I never thought about this. Very interesting point. And what I find most interesting is that he says he hates drama and only calls me the drama queen! He knows how to get me going and hooks me in every time, then blames me for having a strong reaction. Well, he did, but I'm not playing his game anymore. But I guess he is pulling me into his drama, I'm just not reacting the same. I'm sure he hates that. He can't make me the bad guy anymore. Guess that's why he keeps telling me he needs me then tries to pick fights.
I would love to go see his therapist, with him, and give her my side of the story. I don't know what BS be is feeding her. If he's not honest with her, its not going to help as much. But then again, I guess that sucks me in deeper.
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What I did was send an email to my AH. I told him that I love him and he needs to do this for himself, I cannot give or do anymore than I already have. I used my AH's family as an excuse for his using. He was molested as a young teen because he never had supervision etc. and his mom gave him pain pills, then his brothers were older and they gave him drugs... Then I finally snapped out of it and realized, hey, I've been through some really bad stuff in my life too, and I always made a conscious decision not to do things to hurt myself. I would make it a point that you will only be available after he does this for himself, and is clean and sober for a while and that you care about him but can't help him. That's just what I've done, everyone is different. But I feel like I love my soon to be ex husband so much, that I don't care what he has to do to be alive and clean, even if being with me isn't in the cards. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. They really have to want it for themselves no matter what. Back away and don't let yourself become a tool for him. No matter how strong you think you are, they can always wear cracks in our foundations. Believe me, there are bad days and good days. I've cried at a car dealership, at a cvs, and in the middle of a shopping center. I am not ashamed of my feelings, but I refuse for these feelings to become the norm. Towards the end when I couldn't figure out what he was doing, I had started assuming he was using and I kept saying "I refuse to let your disease become my disease". Walking away does not make you a bad person in anyway, I think it says "I will not tolerate you hurting yourself and me in the process".
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Overit263: I'm right there with you. I've done all of that (even in the crying in random places). Once I accepted that it was not my cross to bear, it did feel better. I guess I also hope for the best, but expect the worst. And that's what scares me. And you're right, there are good days and bad. I'm just afraid if I completely let go, so will he. He also has childhood issues and PTSD and uses that as an excuse. And so have I. But, you're right. We all have some kind of trauma or issues and most of us deal with it in a much healthier manner and dont let it destroy us. Of course, I tell him things like this, but he's too far down the rabbit hole to see the light. I guess if he truly does need me, like he says he does, then he will have to get sober to have me in his life. If I make it clear that when he's sober, I will be there, then MAYBE that is better motivation for him to want to get better then me holding his hand through his addiction.
Choublsk: I hope you're right! I can't really tell if he's that far down the road or if he's trying to manipulate me. The one thing that gives me some hope is that he went for emergency therapy when I wasn't there for a few days.
Choublsk: I hope you're right! I can't really tell if he's that far down the road or if he's trying to manipulate me. The one thing that gives me some hope is that he went for emergency therapy when I wasn't there for a few days.
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Hi Shayda,
Our situations are so similar it's almost bizarre. If I didn't know how common this scenario is, I would think I was in the Twilight Zone.
I ended things with my ABF almost two weeks ago, and he's in similar shape to yours. I have not seen him in one month. Mine has childhood issues, too, especially around abandonment. And he's trying to tell me he can't live without me- almost word for word what you have going on.
Like you, I am allowing contact. It's only texting, and a couple phone calls, and ONLY when he's sober. I end/ignore all the rest. I feel stable and detached, my life is full and vibrant. I am present and accounted for in my work, with my daughters, with friends, creatively.
I have been told his only chance is if I go no contact (hitting bottom for him). But it seriously does not feel... humane. I've been told I have a "savior complex", that I am limiting myself, that I need to let go entirely; for his sake and mine. But. I am still not sure.
Just wanted you to know, if you don't already, that you are understood here. And I hope you continue to find all the support you need for you, to make sure your life is as full as it can be. Whether or not our loved ones do the same for themselves is entirely up to them.
SQ
Our situations are so similar it's almost bizarre. If I didn't know how common this scenario is, I would think I was in the Twilight Zone.
I ended things with my ABF almost two weeks ago, and he's in similar shape to yours. I have not seen him in one month. Mine has childhood issues, too, especially around abandonment. And he's trying to tell me he can't live without me- almost word for word what you have going on.
Like you, I am allowing contact. It's only texting, and a couple phone calls, and ONLY when he's sober. I end/ignore all the rest. I feel stable and detached, my life is full and vibrant. I am present and accounted for in my work, with my daughters, with friends, creatively.
I have been told his only chance is if I go no contact (hitting bottom for him). But it seriously does not feel... humane. I've been told I have a "savior complex", that I am limiting myself, that I need to let go entirely; for his sake and mine. But. I am still not sure.
Just wanted you to know, if you don't already, that you are understood here. And I hope you continue to find all the support you need for you, to make sure your life is as full as it can be. Whether or not our loved ones do the same for themselves is entirely up to them.
SQ
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
please keep in mind, he's BEEN to rehab and he HAS a psychiatrist, these are two excellent sources of SUPPORT should HE choose to get sober again. it's a trap WE fall into that WE are all they have...that WE are their only source of support. forgetting somehow the size of the planet and all that.
you cannot cajole him out of this. if YOU were really his solution, he'd be sober. but he's not, because this is not your job, not your problem to fix. if you feel he is truly a danger to himself, call 911 and have them do a care call. right now I don't know if you are "enabling" but you are keeping yourself caught in his trap. probably best to simply send the same consistent message - contact the rehab, or contact his psych dr or contact NA and they can help him.
you cannot cajole him out of this. if YOU were really his solution, he'd be sober. but he's not, because this is not your job, not your problem to fix. if you feel he is truly a danger to himself, call 911 and have them do a care call. right now I don't know if you are "enabling" but you are keeping yourself caught in his trap. probably best to simply send the same consistent message - contact the rehab, or contact his psych dr or contact NA and they can help him.
I am an alcoholic now, and can say no one can fix me except me choosing and being ready to go down that road of recovery.
Your fiancé reminds me of my ex husband (who I was with when I was not a drinker). His recovery seemed to be all about what everyone else needed to do and not him. I would take Anvilheads advice and be calling an ambulance if you think he is a suicide threat. It's the best you can do.
You have a life to live too and it's not selfish for you to want that. If he is on a path to destruction....and refusing to take the help of Rehab, what exactly can you do?
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The last three months I was with my ExAB he was pounding back the vodka and using sleeping pills. I begged with him to stop; I cried, I used used logic, and tried to get him to a doctor. He said I was the ONLY one he could talk to. OMG, I felt like if I walked away he would die. I felt so guilty about the possibility of leaving him; I had been abandoned by my husband 18 years ago, when I had postpartum depression so the idea of leaving him alone was horrifying. I was seeing a therapist at the time and finally she was the one who gave me a wake up call. She said to me, "... he is a serious alcoholic. This isn't about you; it's about him. And if you stay, he may die." She explained that I was keeping him from his journey; after all if love, support, advice, emails, suggestions would have worked, he would have been cured, because I did ALL of that and more. So I walked. It was the worst worst feeling ever. He cursed me, he begged me, he left dozens of voice mails, and emails. It was just terrible. Then one week later, he found his way, somehow to an AA meeting where he cried and broke down in front of a room of strangers. He had to have some relief and I wasn't there to provide it anymore. He found people who could really help him. I am not saying how this will turn out for your fiance but I hear it's a pretty common story. I was keeping my BF from his bottom. We are not together anymore...but he is alive and sober.
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Love the name Shayda...
I had a similar issue with my boyfriend, his depression and cocaine use. I chose only to disengage with him when he was high, other times I continued to support him, listen to him, and I sent him things too that I thought might encourage him a little now and then songs and stuff, encouraged him to find a therapist, give it time and the whole bit. I didn’t consider it to be enabling. And in no way was I standing in the way of a HP; certain HP can get right past me !
Take the alcohol out of it, if he was suffering from depression and it was based on real issues from the past like abuse, neglect, and this person suffers from poor self image, and all kinds of emotional distress, then the substances are more likely being used to self medicate in my opinion. Would you disengage from the depressed person who feels unloved and unworthy, and incapable, and tell them to give you a call when they pick themselves up by their bootstraps? Doubt it, not if you want to continue the relationship, at least that was my logic, so I tried to be supportive on those issues, just not the cocaine use.
Tough love in some cases only supports the depressed, sick logic they suffer from and are trying to medicate away. Addiction is a illness, and people need support like you would support any other illness. Disengage from the times when he is drunk, abusive, insulting, anything like this, disengage if you are becoming physically or emotionally sick yourself, but otherwise its support and its ok if you want to provide it. I personally don’t think people in groups like AA are any more qualified to deal with depression and emotional issues than anyone else who has ever had to deal with such things. They are not professionals, only people who have their own troubles and used substances to deal. Its good he is seeing a therapist. That is what my boyfriend ended up doing, and is still doing. Takes time though.
I went with my boyfriend to a couple of his appointments, and it was good for both of us. He has been going since January, and has been clean since late in January. Doing much better now. Maybe you could ask if he would like you to go with him some time, might give you a little more insight into what is going on, and what the therapist knows. Mixing antidepressants and alcohol a big no, and is probably causing part of his volatile mood swings. Wonder how aware the therapist is of the drinking? Your not obligated to do anything for him, but Im posting this because you sound like I was in that your ok with talking to him and understanding its an illness, and not to become obsessed or take it personal. We cant cure them because it’s a medical problem that needs medical help, that part is simple.
I had a similar issue with my boyfriend, his depression and cocaine use. I chose only to disengage with him when he was high, other times I continued to support him, listen to him, and I sent him things too that I thought might encourage him a little now and then songs and stuff, encouraged him to find a therapist, give it time and the whole bit. I didn’t consider it to be enabling. And in no way was I standing in the way of a HP; certain HP can get right past me !
Take the alcohol out of it, if he was suffering from depression and it was based on real issues from the past like abuse, neglect, and this person suffers from poor self image, and all kinds of emotional distress, then the substances are more likely being used to self medicate in my opinion. Would you disengage from the depressed person who feels unloved and unworthy, and incapable, and tell them to give you a call when they pick themselves up by their bootstraps? Doubt it, not if you want to continue the relationship, at least that was my logic, so I tried to be supportive on those issues, just not the cocaine use.
Tough love in some cases only supports the depressed, sick logic they suffer from and are trying to medicate away. Addiction is a illness, and people need support like you would support any other illness. Disengage from the times when he is drunk, abusive, insulting, anything like this, disengage if you are becoming physically or emotionally sick yourself, but otherwise its support and its ok if you want to provide it. I personally don’t think people in groups like AA are any more qualified to deal with depression and emotional issues than anyone else who has ever had to deal with such things. They are not professionals, only people who have their own troubles and used substances to deal. Its good he is seeing a therapist. That is what my boyfriend ended up doing, and is still doing. Takes time though.
I went with my boyfriend to a couple of his appointments, and it was good for both of us. He has been going since January, and has been clean since late in January. Doing much better now. Maybe you could ask if he would like you to go with him some time, might give you a little more insight into what is going on, and what the therapist knows. Mixing antidepressants and alcohol a big no, and is probably causing part of his volatile mood swings. Wonder how aware the therapist is of the drinking? Your not obligated to do anything for him, but Im posting this because you sound like I was in that your ok with talking to him and understanding its an illness, and not to become obsessed or take it personal. We cant cure them because it’s a medical problem that needs medical help, that part is simple.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Tucson
Posts: 15
Spiderqueen: Our situations do sound similar. Even the time period of leaving! Thank you for your post and advice 
nbay2013: Exactly what I had been through. Vodka and sleeping pills. That was before detox. Now he's changed his beverage of choice because he knows what the vodka did to him. He thinks energy drinks with alcohol will be better??? Ridiculous, completely disillusioned thinking.
daisydoc: I appreciate your POV. That's exactly how I feel. Take away the addiction, and there's an admittedly "scared little boy" trying to find a way to cope with the trauma he's had in his life. That is what concerns me. I do not feel right leaving a severely depressed, suicidal person alone to deal with all of it. He can't deal with it, which is why he turns to alcohol. Alcohol, in turn, makes it worse. He needs to be on the anti-depressants, but the alcohol actually counteracts the "feel good" effects of the anti-depressants and makes one MORE depressed then he would be if he were not on an anti-depressant! So the first issue at hand is to get RID of the alcohol, because he won't get any better as long as he is drinking. All of the advice I read is to leave and let him hit rock bottom. But his rock bottom is death. If he has no will to live, why would he choose to get better TO live. I'm at least glad he's doing SOMETHING, so maybe there is some hope in him. He's seeing the psychiatrist and the therapist and getting acupuncture. I've seen him try techniques the psychiatrist has given him. I guess it's a start.
So latest update: Not good. His therapist cancelled on him all last week due to personal issues (so he says) and he cancelled with her this week, although he said he rescheduled. He lives near my kids school and I drive by his house to get there. The day/time I knew he was supposed to be leaving for therapy, I saw his truck at his house. I dropped off the kids at home, supervised, and went over there. I was determined to get him to therapy. He completely lost it. It took awhile for him to answer the door and when he did, he blew up. He insulted me and screamed at me and told me I shouldn't care if he wants to die and to leave him alone. He hadn't even been drinking yet. I made the mistake of begging and trying to convince him otherwise. It just made me feel foolish and made him more angry. So I left. Haven't talked to him for 2 days, except for a brief text regarding the fact that my daughter called him and told him she missed him. 2 days before this, he was nice. He was at my house, sober, and I was getting dressed to go out. He asked where I was going and I told him the truth. I had decided to focus on me. I teach Pilates and one of my male students asked me if I wanted to go rock climbing. It sounded fun, so I accepted. Despite the fact that we are no longer together and he's made that clear, he flipped his lid. He was crushed. He even threw up several times right after I told him. I thought it may be a wake up call for him. It seemed to be, at first, as he could not believe I went on a "date", but then he grew angry. Regarding "getting better" he told me he was "getting there, but now you have a date". I'm afraid I made a bad decision in telling him. He told me I will now be "cut out of his life, like everyone else."
I told him if he needs me, I'm there, but that I have no choice but to move on. I told him I love him more than anything and I wish he would come to me one day and tell me the same and prove a commitment to getting better. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for him to come around. I wrote him a note and left it at that for him to ponder. Although I know it means nothing in his poisoned brain. I guess the note was more for me to purge my feelings and emotions.
He's now alone. He will die or get better. But I wash my hands of it. If he texts me or calls, I will probably respond, but with absolutely no emotion. I still want him to know I'm there, but interaction has to be on my terms. It's SO hard to stay away, but I know for now I have to.
nbay2013: Exactly what I had been through. Vodka and sleeping pills. That was before detox. Now he's changed his beverage of choice because he knows what the vodka did to him. He thinks energy drinks with alcohol will be better??? Ridiculous, completely disillusioned thinking.
daisydoc: I appreciate your POV. That's exactly how I feel. Take away the addiction, and there's an admittedly "scared little boy" trying to find a way to cope with the trauma he's had in his life. That is what concerns me. I do not feel right leaving a severely depressed, suicidal person alone to deal with all of it. He can't deal with it, which is why he turns to alcohol. Alcohol, in turn, makes it worse. He needs to be on the anti-depressants, but the alcohol actually counteracts the "feel good" effects of the anti-depressants and makes one MORE depressed then he would be if he were not on an anti-depressant! So the first issue at hand is to get RID of the alcohol, because he won't get any better as long as he is drinking. All of the advice I read is to leave and let him hit rock bottom. But his rock bottom is death. If he has no will to live, why would he choose to get better TO live. I'm at least glad he's doing SOMETHING, so maybe there is some hope in him. He's seeing the psychiatrist and the therapist and getting acupuncture. I've seen him try techniques the psychiatrist has given him. I guess it's a start.
So latest update: Not good. His therapist cancelled on him all last week due to personal issues (so he says) and he cancelled with her this week, although he said he rescheduled. He lives near my kids school and I drive by his house to get there. The day/time I knew he was supposed to be leaving for therapy, I saw his truck at his house. I dropped off the kids at home, supervised, and went over there. I was determined to get him to therapy. He completely lost it. It took awhile for him to answer the door and when he did, he blew up. He insulted me and screamed at me and told me I shouldn't care if he wants to die and to leave him alone. He hadn't even been drinking yet. I made the mistake of begging and trying to convince him otherwise. It just made me feel foolish and made him more angry. So I left. Haven't talked to him for 2 days, except for a brief text regarding the fact that my daughter called him and told him she missed him. 2 days before this, he was nice. He was at my house, sober, and I was getting dressed to go out. He asked where I was going and I told him the truth. I had decided to focus on me. I teach Pilates and one of my male students asked me if I wanted to go rock climbing. It sounded fun, so I accepted. Despite the fact that we are no longer together and he's made that clear, he flipped his lid. He was crushed. He even threw up several times right after I told him. I thought it may be a wake up call for him. It seemed to be, at first, as he could not believe I went on a "date", but then he grew angry. Regarding "getting better" he told me he was "getting there, but now you have a date". I'm afraid I made a bad decision in telling him. He told me I will now be "cut out of his life, like everyone else."
I told him if he needs me, I'm there, but that I have no choice but to move on. I told him I love him more than anything and I wish he would come to me one day and tell me the same and prove a commitment to getting better. But I can't put my life on hold anymore waiting for him to come around. I wrote him a note and left it at that for him to ponder. Although I know it means nothing in his poisoned brain. I guess the note was more for me to purge my feelings and emotions.
He's now alone. He will die or get better. But I wash my hands of it. If he texts me or calls, I will probably respond, but with absolutely no emotion. I still want him to know I'm there, but interaction has to be on my terms. It's SO hard to stay away, but I know for now I have to.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I don't believe his story about the counseling being cancelled. You drive by and his car is there....that's the truth of the story. He doesn't want to go. He's not ready. You can't "get him" to therapy, it's his choice. He is showing you who he is...believe him.
I would offer that as long as you remain open to his texts and calls, he still has you emotionally tied to his disease. You haven't truly washed your hands of it if you are still in contact, still available to his lies and manipulation. He knows that. If you truly want to stay away, consider No Contact for now. Give yourself a break from the chaos.
I would offer that as long as you remain open to his texts and calls, he still has you emotionally tied to his disease. You haven't truly washed your hands of it if you are still in contact, still available to his lies and manipulation. He knows that. If you truly want to stay away, consider No Contact for now. Give yourself a break from the chaos.
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