Hello. I’m new here, I’ve been reading and following off and on, and can relate to a lot of what I read. I’m so sorry to anyone who struggles, it’s so real!

I’m in a 4 year relationship with a man, I simply fell in love with. Back when he actually tried to be a decent person - it was hard not to fall in love. Why did he change? Because I accepted his faults and dealt with it. Why? I don’t know, other than having a low self worth and feeling like I couldn’t do better - I suppose. Now I’m 45, largely overweight and know for sure now I’m stuck here for life. So, now my questions are when is rock bottom for this man?

Early this spring I had to rush him to the ER for what we thought was a heart attack. Come to find out after 4-5 days in the hospital, he has alcoholic cardiomyopathy and congestive heart failure. He is only 45. His fluid levels on a blood test were 7000! Normal is 0-124. The doctors have told him he needs to stop drinking, it will not get better until he does. They’ve even said if you stop now, you CAN get better! He has a young son to live for! Why can’t he?

Has as he stopped? No. In fact some days he drinks even worse. He is drinking his first beer within 30 minutes of waking up in the morning - so by 8-8:30 am, the man is drinking. He drinks nonstop until he lays down and goes to bed, in fact he brings 1-2 cans into bed and drinks them both before laying down for bed every night. I’d say he consumes anywhere from 18-24 cans a day. A good day where he’s being careful, he will still drink 12-18 ‘20’ ounce cans. He's on a STRICT 64 ounce liquid per day diet for heart failure.

He cant work, he can’t hold a job. He is drunk by noon, passes out for an hour or 2 everyday around 4. Wakes up and continues until he passes out again around 10-11.

This late morning he asked me to go to brunch, ok I agree. He rarely eats, so anytime he offers to eat I agree. We get to the restaurant and he orders a tall beer, before 1pm! I’m mortified and embarrassed, but ok. He’s already half drunk and starting to act up before our food comes. He calls waitress and asks for another beer, before our food even comes. She DENIED him, told him quietly she won’t serve him another. He jumps up from his chair, starts mumbling that he will never be back and walks out. Waitress profusely apologized to me, which I obviously apologized right back! Everyone in their Sunday best, after church and here we are.... I was so embarrassed! I stayed bc our food came out while this was happening and I couldn’t just leave even though he did. I asked waitress why, I said I understand but why? She said we’ve had complaints and he’s sitting there drooling and half passed out. I said I know. Ok. I just needed to HEAR IT. I finally leave, he had walked to gas station and bought a 6 pack, had guzzled 3 while I was in there and he was passed out in my car when I came out.

I don’t think I can take this anymore, but I also don’t think I can take on our lifestyle alone. I’m the soul provider. He doesn’t work, or pay bills. But physically demanding stuff I will struggle with. Yet, he has my anxiety and depression is so through the roof I feel I am becoming a nasty person. Does this make sense? I used to be fun and loving. Now I’m bitter and angry.

His friends rarely if ever talk to him anymore. Yet he still claims they’ll be there if he needs them, and they probably would, but would go right back to ignoring him after.

His family won’t help me!!!! I have asked a couple times over the years. I’ve figured after the heart failure, they’d surely help. Nope. Not even a little. I don’t understand that. They can be here for an afternoon and he will go into one of his rages on his son, me, whoever and they just sit there with their mouth shut. They don’t say anything at all. Once in a while his sibling will text me asking how he is, I tell the truth, he needs help, he’s not good. They just say, I know. I don’t know what to do. Then that’s the end. No more.

Frustrated beyind belief!!

Hey Everyone,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m so scared I think is the word. Nothing I do helps. I have done everything from begging/pleading, to stopping my own addiction to soda pop (and still not having any), to telling him it’s me or the beer - he says beer and yet, here we still are.

I need to look into AlAnon. I’m afraid to go.

I have read so much, I truly have, but it still seems as though I myself can’t walk away when I know that’s my only option at this point.

Why am I afraid to leave? I think because of the help he provides around the farm. I have a farm, I am self employed and my business is high labor - his help is very much appreciated and considering he can’t work, his promise to me was, if I can move in - I will help and you won’t need to hire help. So, I guess I’m under the impression that if he leaves, my business could fail without his help. I run the business, I manage, but he does a lot of the labor intensive things that I will struggle with. My parents have agreed to help me cover the costs to hire help (as I’m just starting out) and I know they would, but it’s hard asking for help even though it was offered. They just want me to get rid of him - they say he’s bringing me too far down.

But that’s mostly why..... we don’t have a relationship, we are more roommates than anything else. I have to drive him around if anything happens afternoon hours bc he’s too intoxicated to drive himself. All he wants to do is stay here and drink. We have zero intimacy, no sex life whatsodver. Haven’t had that in probably a year. No lie. I don’t even like him anymore (love is different), and I don’t think he likes me either. He, Definitely doesn’t know what love is.

I’m shocked that his ex wife, sons mother even allows her son to go with him on the weekends. She knows full well the man is drunk and driving over an hour with their son in the car. I used to go and pick him up but it’s become just too hard for me to get away for the 3+ hours it takes total to just go pick him up. I can’t do it, it’s not my responsibility. Is it?? If the mother cared wouldn’t she opt for a difference? I would.

He loves making fun of me. Tells me I am addicted to food and if I stop eating, he will stop drinking. He also loves to make fun of the way I breathe when I am doing something that requires extra exertion. I have asthma, and sometimes especially in the humid summer. I breathe harder, and he loves to make fun and imitate me and ask if I need 911. He’s constantly drilling me for what I do, or blaming me for not doing enough. This isn’t even his house, nor does he pay the bills but thinks he runs the household.

No no we are not married, we do not have kids together. He has a young child, I have an 18 year old.

I know I need to leave, but I also know how hard it’s going to be, and I’m afraid the pain is going to be like when my ex husband left me after 15 years. Ugh.

Your age and weight have nothing to do with your worth as a person and your right to a peaceful life free of the torment and humiliation you describe. You can’t save him. It is not your responsibility. You would be far better off on your own than with someone who doesn’t work, devalues you, and embarrasses you in public. Think of it this way...what motivation does he have to get better if you are there to pay his bills (including his alcohol purchases) and clean up his messes? His rock bottom may well be when no one is left to give him a place to live and get drunk. My advice? Run like hell. But first call child protective services to ensure his son isn’t left in that mess. (P.S. I left my AXH after 35 years of marriage at age 56. I had gotten a bit hefty myself in my misery. I’m much happier and even a bit slimmer now. It can be done! Meanwhile my AXH, like your ABF, is being refused service all over town and is estranged from his sons.) Please remove yourself from this toxicity. You deserve so much better. And make an enormous, life altering impact on a child by getting his son out of there.

Yes, if you know he is driving drunk with his son, it is your ethical responsibility to call the authorities. I called the police on my AXH when I knew he was driving drunk. His adult sons have turned him in as well.

New life, I have often thought of CPS only bc of the torment his father creates for him most days while he’s here and the driving drunk with him, but my fear is both parents would know who called and that could be bad bad. I prefer a cop pull him over while driving one day. I can wish.

I feel like I know I’d be better off... but this is not going to be an overnight thing. When I ask him to leave, which I have in anger before, he refuses. Currently he has a binder of probably my most important papers locked in his trunk right now and says if I make him leave they’re going with him. So there is that too.

Thank you you for sharing and giving me hope!! I appreciate all of you. Today being embarrassed like that was the final straw I think. He’s going to embarrass me at the wrong place one time and could jeopardize my name.

Tomsteve,

Youre right - he CAN work, he has chosen not to - but he also gets fired within days of any new job bc he would drink on breaks.

He finally sold something of value, and he put part of this money into my account. 1 time in 4 years he’s ever contributed. He wants it back, not realizing most has been spent by himself. He wants the full amount and isn’t taking into consideration that he has spent 75-80% of what’s in there. I’m tempted to just give him my own money in full of what he put in and say here, go! But, it could hurt me doing that too. I’ve also thought about getting an attorney. I’ve told him more than once he can have what’s left, it’s his... but I’m not paying you back what you have spent! He doesn’t get it. Then he tells me, everyone in his family will hate me when they find out.

Thank you for listening

He has your important papers? He lives in your home rent free and makes fun of you? He jeopardizes your reputation? He endangers the life of his child and others on the road? This is one cruel and irresponsible man. Please sit down with your local police or sheriff. Tell them what’s going on and have him evicted. File a restraining order if you need to. If the boy’s parents are angry if you turn the dad in, so what? A decent responsible person must make sure this child is safe.

When he passes out retrieve the keys to collect your papers, if you can’t can you get duplicates or cancel out the ones he’s has?