A good article on Alcoholic Thinking
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I'm so glad everyone is getting something out of this article. When I read it, I thought it so clearly presented the basics of alcoholism. I'll make sure it gets stickied 
Gotta love a good groundhog!
On another note---we now have a groundhog living under our backyard shed. He/she is sooo cute. I see it sitting under the apple tree every day eating the apples---also, the tomatoes in the garden! No curlers or cup of coffee, though.
I think of your avitar every time I see him/her.
I think of your avitar every time I see him/her.
Gotta love a good groundhog!
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It's really helpful to me too.
What I take from it most, among many other useful things. Is to STOP trying to make sense of my exABF's behavior from my own lens and perspective. That is when I get into crazy making thinking. Letting go, letting go, letting go....
What I take from it most, among many other useful things. Is to STOP trying to make sense of my exABF's behavior from my own lens and perspective. That is when I get into crazy making thinking. Letting go, letting go, letting go....
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Thanks for sharing this. After I read it, I went and looked at AH's texts of the past few days. I never noticed all the "I want" "I will" "probably" "maybe" "will" "I should have" phrases he used before, but sure enough they are all there over and over again. Very sad.
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i sort of understand it, im not sure that im fully honest with myself that alcohol is a problem in my life
prison divorce self harm, i blame other things but deep down its due to alcohol
if i sort of know why cant i get 100% honest with myself, instead of just wanting a beer
prison divorce self harm, i blame other things but deep down its due to alcohol
if i sort of know why cant i get 100% honest with myself, instead of just wanting a beer
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Originally Posted by teardrop 
i sort of understand it, im not sure that im fully honest with myself that alcohol is a problem in my life
prison divorce self harm, i blame other things but deep down its due to alcohol
if i sort of know why cant i get 100% honest with myself, instead of just wanting a beer
prison divorce self harm, i blame other things but deep down its due to alcohol
if i sort of know why cant i get 100% honest with myself, instead of just wanting a beer
I'm glad you found this place, teardrop, and that you are reaching out. You will find so much support here!
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I just left work on the verge of a panic attack thinking about the last time I saw my exabf and the woman I think he cheated on me with. They were singing a song together and he seemed so happy, I think he even said as much. They were not aware I was around, happened upon them in a public place and got out of there very quickly once the shock passed. I know all of these things in the article are very true....everyone of them. So why do I still panic about the thought of my life without him, why do I not feel relieved but rejected. Am I still operating under what I came to believe about myself when I was with him? When will the panic and pain stop and when will I be able to feel some relief...It's been 3 months out of a 7 year relationship...too soon?
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Originally Posted by Ripper
he would get sh$t faced for no reason at night, and I mean, no reason
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Alcoholics often have a bizarre sense of entitlement. They reason that having such a difficult/stressful/demanding life entitles them to act in ways that are immature, irresponsible, and selfish. To observe their behavior is to conclude a belief that the world must owe them something. The active alcoholic wallows in self-pity and concludes that they are a victim of life. As they demand more from the world they expect less and less from themselves.
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Gotta love a good groundhog!
PS-thanks for posting this article. Even though I have moved on from my EXABF, this article was a dose of reality of the crazy person I became as I tried to "help" him stop drinking.
Last edited by Seren; 11-15-2013 at 04:26 PM.
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Linkmeister, your Betty Boop is adorable!
We used to have a little family of groundhogs on the family farm. It was so funny to watch Mama scold the young ones if they wandered too far away from den
Boon, I found journaling to be incredibly helpful after a particularly bad breakup. I know you can get through this. Don't hesitate to post here and vent away all you need
We used to have a little family of groundhogs on the family farm. It was so funny to watch Mama scold the young ones if they wandered too far away from den
Boon, I found journaling to be incredibly helpful after a particularly bad breakup. I know you can get through this. Don't hesitate to post here and vent away all you need
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Originally Posted by Seren
There is often one exception to this rule for each alcoholic – one thing they do especially well and it will most generally be their sole source of self esteem. We have known a large number of alcoholics who have incredible work ethics because being a good worker is the one thing they know they’re good at…well, they will say that and drinking.
When I read this in the article, it really caught my attention!
Last edited by Seren; 11-15-2013 at 04:27 PM.
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I don't think any of these things fit all active alcoholics 100% or 100% of the time. I guess I understand it from the article as related to the one shred of self esteem left. My stepson had absolutely no work ethic at all when he was actively drinking. 
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Having no work ethic was one of the main reasons I had to get my XAH to leave. Every time he would phone his work and fake being sick I was terrified he would lose, yet ANOTHER, job and I would have to pay for his laziness and booze and drugs. Perhaps he wasn't faking being sick because he was always so drunk he must have felt sick those days, but self inflicted sickness and blaming it on his "tummy troubles" every single time when the "tummy troubles" could have been solved by eating proper meals or even eating SOMETHING and putting down the bottle. 
I never felt "entitled" to fix and arrange my XAH's life I felt obligated to in order to mitigate his choice to drink and drug and drink and drug and rage and lie from affecting me and my kids. I thought that if I arranged everything "just so" he might not drink as much or he might not be so angry or he might not be mean to me.
Didn't work of course...
Originally Posted by choublak
The sense of entitlement, in that we codependents feel "entitled" to fix and arrange other people's lives the way we see fit.
Didn't work of course...
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This helps me understand the disease model of alcoholism a bit better, especially following the discussion that's been ongoing in the other thread. It's written so simply & concisely that I understand it better/differently.
For instance - I can see where RAH struggles with some of these traits since quitting drinking.... so despite the absence of the alcohol some of these "hard wirings" are still in place. For instance (& maybe it jumped out at me because it's been an issue we've talked about recently) the "Firehouse Management" way of handling things - that's him from top to bottom. I just explained to him last weekend that at some point he has to develop tools to help him function outside of rushing from crisis to crisis.
That "Probably" thing drove me crazy not just while he was drinking, but well into his recovery period. It was like a knee-jerk-can't-change-it-don't-even-see-it-happening kind of thing. From his very limited POV he was being very straight forward, but all of those maybe/could/should loopholes drove me batty. I have said more than 1000x - "But you aren't saying ANYTHING! What does THAT MEAN?!!?" That one has gotten much better, but I can see how it's an effort for him to understand where we are disconnecting in the first place & how/why he needed to change his style of communicating. It's getting better the longer he continues to be aware of it.
Thank you SO much for posting this Seren!
For instance - I can see where RAH struggles with some of these traits since quitting drinking.... so despite the absence of the alcohol some of these "hard wirings" are still in place. For instance (& maybe it jumped out at me because it's been an issue we've talked about recently) the "Firehouse Management" way of handling things - that's him from top to bottom. I just explained to him last weekend that at some point he has to develop tools to help him function outside of rushing from crisis to crisis.
That "Probably" thing drove me crazy not just while he was drinking, but well into his recovery period. It was like a knee-jerk-can't-change-it-don't-even-see-it-happening kind of thing. From his very limited POV he was being very straight forward, but all of those maybe/could/should loopholes drove me batty. I have said more than 1000x - "But you aren't saying ANYTHING! What does THAT MEAN?!!?" That one has gotten much better, but I can see how it's an effort for him to understand where we are disconnecting in the first place & how/why he needed to change his style of communicating. It's getting better the longer he continues to be aware of it.
Thank you SO much for posting this Seren!
Last edited by Seren; 11-15-2013 at 04:28 PM.
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