DecadesEnd

So....for 15 years i've tolerated the nonsense and chaos of my alcoholic husband. We tried counseling, he went until they told him he would have to stop drinking to save our marriage. Then he said he didn't 'need' couseling, he could quit on his own. Then he 'quit' only to start again. Too many broken promises and relapses. Not only is he a hateful drunk but he's every bit as nasty sober. Not much difference between the two. Except I rarely see the sober guy. He weighs less than I do and his skin hangs off his body. And to be honest, I can't find a lot that is attractive about him. He almost grosses me out. (I feel horrible admitting that). I am disgusted by him (again-horrible). He's a control freak about everything I do and accuses me of every infraction a person could commit. I can't even leave my house without question. He has such high expectations of everyone, but none for himself. He expects everyone around him to adhere to the expectations he himself, chooses not to.
So, I've informed him he is going to give me our house (we own it free and clear) and leave. I will not ask him for child support or try to keep our children from him (he's a decent Dad despite-but I will be asking he abstain from drinking when it's his visitation time)). In lieu of child support I just want the only home our kids have ever known. And lets face it, it's in midwest suburbia, his share of the profit isn't going to touch what his child support obligation would be. I am financially capable of taking care of the kids without his financial help (because i've been doing it myself for years anyway).
BUT....I don't hate the man. I realize he has a problem he is NOT willing to correct. And now it is impossible to save our relationship. It has been ruined, torn into pieces and set on fire. I can barely stand to look at him. He has no family and I am confident he will die early like his father who was also an alcoholic. But I can't trade my life and my happiness and that of my children for him. I love him yes. But only because he's the father of my children. I have no romantic feelings toward him whatsoever. I can barely tolerate him to be honest. But I have great compassion for him and I do care what happens to him for the sake of our kids. I am no longer willing to deprive myself of a healthy and stable relationship. I want a fulfilling relationship. I want a loving relationship. I want a 'normal' relationship. I don't want to Mother another man or take care of another man. For once I would like to be a priority.
But I am having a really hard time struggling with the fact that I am all he has. Lord knows what will happen to him when he is out there on his own. How do you guys deal with that guilt? How do you deal with knowing that they are going to suffer? Not that I am willing to trade my freedom and happiness for it. But it definitely comes with a hefty price tag. How do you tell yourself it's no longer your problem and walk? He has no one. Not a single soul in his corner. It used to be me. But I am becoming a bitter person that I neither like or recognize. And I can't be that person. So how do you deal with the feelings of guilt and knowing that basically, you're throwing the addict to the wolves?
I'm really struggling with that.

bailey17

In my experience with my ex, I had to continuously remind myself that I wasn't hurting him, his addiction was. I wasn't causing him health problems and killing him slowly, his addiction was. He may not have chosen to have this disease, but your A and all A's have the choice to get help and to make things better for themselves. I carried around an enormous amount of guilt until I realized there really was no reason- there wasn't one single thing I could do to help or save this man. The guilt comes from thinking there is something we can do to save the A from the addiction, when in reality there's absolutely nothing we can say or do to keep him safe from himself.
Letting go of the guilt will be a process, it won't happen overnight, but you can get there by participating in alanon, reading these posts, and working on your well being. Through these steps the guilt will fade gradually. Best of luck on your journey, it sounds like you are making some wonderful albeit difficult steps for yourself.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. Know how you feel.

When my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying from it, I left and frankly, I am amazed that, fifteen years later, he is still alive. I am not in contact with him, so I can't say how much he may be suffering physically, but he would be suffering even if I were there, going down with him. I can't save him from his suffering, any more than you could if you were to stay.

Just a heads-up, you may want to talk to a lawyer if you haven't already done so. Not all states would allow you to keep the house in lieu of child support even if he were to agree.

Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I suggest you give it a try.

DecadesEnd

Yes Ive been to Alanon. And intensive counseling. Its because of that I have the strength to walk. Im good with myself now. We are going to do a shared parenting plan that will eliminate child support. He won't bother following it or keeping a relationship with the kids. Hes not capable. Frankly I am not sure that is entirely bad. I wont stop him from seeing them but I wont demand it either.

brownhorse

The guilt does come and go but remind yourself that your kids are better off not living in a home with an active alcoholic and you are doing what's best for them. And like was said before this is his fault. My ex had his alcoholic mom and is now taking care of her. He said I don't understand how hard it is. Also, you say he is a good dad but not nice drunk or sober. Mine started to take it out on the kids when I wasn't around anymore.

Remember you did not cause it!

sunnshinegirl

DecadesEnd, that has been my problem as welll knowing I'm all he's got and struggling with the guilt. I guess for me it got to the point where I knew I wouldn't make it if I stayed in the relationship out of guilt. At some point, you just have to take care of yourself. I'm more at peace with the feeling and the guilt comes and goes but I push it away. He's made a concious choice to keep on drinking and not get any help or discuss it at all. Time does make things better and as you focus more on your happiness and what you need in your life, I think the guilt will fade.

DecadesEnd

Well, glad I'm not alone. That this feeling og guilt is pretty normal. Hard to decipher emotions these days. I've been so used to stuffing them in that I dont even recognize that guilt is normal. Instead I feel like it means something. Apparently it just means I feel guilty. Just another thing I have to deal with I suppose.