sad#3

I love my wife, when she doesn't drink, she is wonderful...Here's the problem: When she does drink, she's often a monster and she hasn't been able to stay sober for very long over the 6 and 1/2 years we've been together.. My 20 year old daughter needed to move back home for several months...Due to the fact that my wife told her "To eat her mother's pus**" when she was very intoxicated one day.. and she said other very vile stuff. I told her she would have to move out while my daughter's here or I would have to file for divorce. I have to protect my child...My wife is living in a halfway house for the last month and staying sober as far as I know, now she is demanding to move back home..but I can't trust her with my daughter there as she may drink and become abusive. I know I'm right and just need to vent. This is a hard and sad situation, but I can't have my wife here with her alcoholism and mental health isssues while my daughter is here.

FeelingGreat

You sound like a very strong centred person Sad, which makes it all the worse what you're going through.
My best wishes to you, and I hope you find some comfort in your life soon. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a father.

theseithakas

Good luck, Sad. What a difficult situation. It sounds like you're doing the best you can to enforce some boundaries and protect your daughter, and there's nothing wrong with that, you're right.

LexieCat

You're doing the right thing. And even if your daughter's not there, are you the recipient of that kind of verbal abuse? You have a right to protect YOU, too.

Are you going to Al-Anon?

dandylion

Dear Sad#3--I admire your ability to draw a boundry in what sounds like a very tough situation. I am glad you came here to vent. On sure does need a soft place to fall--where people can understand what you are facing.

Just out of curiosity--what are the legal ramifications? For instance--since you are married, is your house her legal home? How do the courts look at it if she says she has been forced from her home?? (these legal issues always look so complicated to me).

Sincerely, dandylion

Archangelesk

Dear Dandylion,
Generally speaking (intended to be informative and not legal advice), spouses have the right, in most cases and in most states, to be in the marital residence.

So, if she shows up and come in, it is unlikely that anything can be done to stop her. That doesn't mean that Sad#3 has to inform her of her rights. He can continue to tell her she should not come home. He could also talk to an attorney to find out whether he can file for exclusive possesion of the home. In my state, that requires filing for divorce, but it is something he can look into. It is also possible that, depending on the level of verbal abuse, and certainly if it ever gets physical, that Sad#3 could file for a protection of abuse order which is a much shorter process and would legally bar her from the home.

Dear Sad#3. It sounds to me like you deserve a peaceful home, just as much as yoru daughter does. Please consider looking into how to make that happen from a legal perspective, especially if your wife tries to barge back in. You are doing a fantastic job setting a healthy boundary. Good for you as a father to show your daughter that she comes first.

wicked

Please do whatever you can to keep your daughter safe.
That is all I can say, except read every word Archagelesk wrote- twice.
Please.

Beth

sad#3

Thanks for the support. It's my house as I had it before the marriage and you have to be married for 10 years in Texas for the house to be community property. She could barge in, but then I'd get a protective order and file for divorce to protect my child. I don't think she would do that because she does love me and that would be it.

Archangelesk

Hugs to you!!!

You sound armed with information and thoughtful and strong. Your daughter is not the only lucky one. Your wife is too, because your healthy boundaries are good for her, as you clearly know.

sad#3

We have decided that we can't live together because her drinking is not predictable and she has bipolar, so you know what I'm dealing with here, been doing it for nearly 7 years. I thought she would decide to give up on us with this decision, but I've never had anyone hold on so tight. I truly believe that she is sick and like most alcoholics, will be battling this forever.

dandylion

Dear Sad #3, thanks for updating us! It sounds that separation is a wise decision for the two of you. Living with someone who is manic-depressive--and unregulated on their meds can be H***ish, alone---add alcoholism on top--unimaginably difficult.

My brother-in-law's ex-wife was manic and "cycled" frequently (non-drinker). They had 2 young children. Raised in a very religious family--he didn't "believe in divorce"--but, finally did bite the bullet, out of desperation. Amazing thing, a few years after the split and a LOT of professional treatment, she finally seems pretty regulated--and they have a civil relationship.

I have heard it said that "An alcoholic can be a hard thing to get rid of". I think if one has been very enabling--it really makes it harder.

dandylion

thislonelygirl

You have made the right decisions for you and your daughter. I applaud you for putting your child first no matter her age and given the inappropriate things she has said under the influence I. Would have done the same. Foul words to tell your husbands daughter.

sad#3

Thank you all so very much! Went through the same thing again. I allowed my wife to move back in July 2013 and she did fine for the most part until June of 2014 when she acted extremely inappropriate towards my daughter. My wife was timing her drinking (I didn't know). My daughter came home unexpectedly and my wife was too drunk and acted inappropriately....My daughter told me that she had had enough and that she would never come to my house again as long as my wife was there...I did what I had to do...I moved to an apartment with my wife and let my daughter stay in the house...At this point, I know that I'm not normal. No normal person would endure the abuse and insanity towards myself and my family without walking away for good.
While living in the apartment, the drinking has been on and off, with my wife going to the hospital to detox and one day putting a gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger several times. There were no bullets in the gun or she would be dead. Right now, she is in AA and has been doing good the past 2 weeks and got a new job. There is still hope and I believe God will help if she continues to stay sober and if I am no longer willing to put up with her drinking. I have also started al-anon and although after a few classes, I don't understand what it's about, I know that I must continue to go. I never dreamed my life would be this insane and believe it or not...I love my wife dearly and can't imagine life without her when she is sober.

Hammer

Hallifreakinlullah YOU!

Wonderful. We have Great Alanon in Texas!

Probably because we have such Great Drunks?

It should not make sense . . . at first. So you are doing good. Really.

If Alanon made sense in the condition we tend to be when we go in . . . Alanon would have to be messed up. But it is not.

So GOOD for YOU. And Good for the wife on AA.

It should start sinking in across a month or two, and then it all becomes . . . not easy . . . but a whole lot better.

ShootingStar1

Congratulations! You are moving in a very healthy direction.

There's a book that helped me a lot- CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. She explains a lot of the stuff Alanon talks about. And, if you haven't, read the "stickies" here - the permanent posts at the top of the Friends of Families of Alcoholics forum page.

ShootingStar1

hopeful4

I am glad you are doing what you have to do for your daughter. Please keep going to Alanon!

XXX

MissFixit

Well, supposedly everything is bigger in Texas, so I guess the A's are too!

I HIGHLY recommend therapy for you. It really helped me to get to the root of why I was subjecting myself to unhealthy relationships.