What abuse is
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
What abuse is
Because the word "abuse" is used so often on the forum ("He is so abusive." "She is not abusive."), and because the loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts so often minimize the abusive behaviors of the addicted individual, I needed to look up the definition of the word "abuse," which is used both as a verb and a noun.
Here are a few phrases in the definitions I found:
"to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way"
"bad or improper treatment"
"an outburst of harsh or scathing words, often against one who is defenseless."
Physical abuse is always easy to call. But mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is not as easy to name, and many loved ones of addicts downplay the harm being done to them or to other family members because this kind of abuse doesn't raise a welt.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused.
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
Alcoholics are not responsible for the biological disease of addiction they suffer. But they are responsible for its treatment. They are responsible for the damage they have done and are doing. They are responsible for the damage they will do tomorrow. They are responsible for not going to AA today, tomorrow, and the next day. They are responsible for not seeing an addiction doctor. They are responsible for not seeing a counselor for the long term to regain mental health and to deal with the core motivations behind escape into intoxication as a means of dealing with life.
If an alcoholic is still in the home, has been drinking for years, and the spouse is afraid of him or her, if the children are emotionally abandoned by him or her, and if the only stable ingredient in the family is the certainty that tomorrow is going to be another painful day, then it is, in my opinion, time for the alcoholic to be put out of the house, because he or she is abusive.
Somehow people along the way get so confused that they make the alcoholic more important than everyone else. It's crazy but it's part of the syndrome. They think the alcoholic must not be expected to stay sober, to go to AA every day for the rest of his life if that is what it takes to stay sober, to treat the spouse with loving regard, and to be accountable as a parent to his children.
They give the alcoholic a pass. He convinces them, in fact threatens them in the most subtle and coercive manner, to never take the action which will topple him or her from the throne of power (and the self-pity of the alcoholic is as powerful as the spewing vitriol of language). Astonishingly, the alcoholic, male or female, remains king.
Alcoholics are abusers. And no one, especially a child, should ever have to learn how to survive life with one in the house.
In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the loved one of an alcoholic to get professional guidance to change the status quo in the alcoholic home. To then practice new ways of reacting to the alcoholic for a set amount of time. And if the alcoholic does not enter recovery in that time, he or she is out.
The alcoholic does not get to be the most important person in the family.
Here are a few phrases in the definitions I found:
"to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way"
"bad or improper treatment"
"an outburst of harsh or scathing words, often against one who is defenseless."
Physical abuse is always easy to call. But mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is not as easy to name, and many loved ones of addicts downplay the harm being done to them or to other family members because this kind of abuse doesn't raise a welt.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused.
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
Alcoholics are not responsible for the biological disease of addiction they suffer. But they are responsible for its treatment. They are responsible for the damage they have done and are doing. They are responsible for the damage they will do tomorrow. They are responsible for not going to AA today, tomorrow, and the next day. They are responsible for not seeing an addiction doctor. They are responsible for not seeing a counselor for the long term to regain mental health and to deal with the core motivations behind escape into intoxication as a means of dealing with life.
If an alcoholic is still in the home, has been drinking for years, and the spouse is afraid of him or her, if the children are emotionally abandoned by him or her, and if the only stable ingredient in the family is the certainty that tomorrow is going to be another painful day, then it is, in my opinion, time for the alcoholic to be put out of the house, because he or she is abusive.
Somehow people along the way get so confused that they make the alcoholic more important than everyone else. It's crazy but it's part of the syndrome. They think the alcoholic must not be expected to stay sober, to go to AA every day for the rest of his life if that is what it takes to stay sober, to treat the spouse with loving regard, and to be accountable as a parent to his children.
They give the alcoholic a pass. He convinces them, in fact threatens them in the most subtle and coercive manner, to never take the action which will topple him or her from the throne of power (and the self-pity of the alcoholic is as powerful as the spewing vitriol of language). Astonishingly, the alcoholic, male or female, remains king.
Alcoholics are abusers. And no one, especially a child, should ever have to learn how to survive life with one in the house.
In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the loved one of an alcoholic to get professional guidance to change the status quo in the alcoholic home. To then practice new ways of reacting to the alcoholic for a set amount of time. And if the alcoholic does not enter recovery in that time, he or she is out.
The alcoholic does not get to be the most important person in the family.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Englishgarden, Thank you for this post. It is so often said "He/She is not an abusive drunk" It is as if the times when they are drinking and bringing grief are discounted. The alcoholic does become the most im portant person.
It breaks my heart when there are children living in the home. The amount of damage to the children is always underestimated. It is often said "I stayed for the sake of the children". The home is already broken if an active alcoholic is living in it.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Agree about the sticky. English Garden, thank you. I find myself sometimes wondering, why I don't know, if letting go of my xagf was the right thing for my kids. They do love her and she loves them, and there were alot of fun moments. But there was alot of fighting, anger, inconsistency, absence, crying (by me) and chaos. They are young and resiliant. I only wish i was as resiliant as they are!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well said and so true, EnglishGarden. The scars of emotional abuse may be difficult to see, but they are surely there and need to heal before life can be embraced with joy.
Your post reminded me that children are the silent victims here, the ones who cannot speak out or make the choice to leave. God bless the child of addiction.
This will become a sticky, once it has run its course here. So many women here have faced emotional abuse and hide it feeling shame. You don't have to let the sickness of the addict destroy your lives and the lives of your children. There is help for all of you. Please reach out today.
Hugs
Your post reminded me that children are the silent victims here, the ones who cannot speak out or make the choice to leave. God bless the child of addiction.
This will become a sticky, once it has run its course here. So many women here have faced emotional abuse and hide it feeling shame. You don't have to let the sickness of the addict destroy your lives and the lives of your children. There is help for all of you. Please reach out today.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused.
His story, since the big fire, has been all about how he managed to SAVE us from dying in a fire. He forgets the part where he drunkenly started the fire and fell asleep...
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
The alcoholic does not get to be the most important person in the family.
If he had a headache, or his ass was sore, or someone looked at him the wrong way, or if me or one of the kids failed to empathise "correctly", or if he decided that day that "everyone hates me" or if I bought the wrong meat or if, or if, or if, or if ....... he would drink and drink and drink then abuse. And RAGE until 2, 3 and 4 in the morning. Then make excuses the next day about why he could not POSSIBLY go to work.
As I've said before, I've seen people undergoing treatment for cancer attend work more regularly than my XAH.
That ******** really pisses me off.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
So important.
Thank you EG for this post.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
So important.
Thank you EG for this post.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I came to this forum last June with a powerful, dominant and abusive alcoholic husband of almost 20 years, who had almost died in a restaurant and was taken by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329. I wanted to understand what that meant. He said he was not an alcoholic. I came here to learn what I was up against. No, I came here to learn what HE was up against.
Besides his raging and abusive verbal treatment, his addiction to porn had exploded, and he was taunting me with it and using it as a weapon against me and decrying my inadequacy as a woman. On July 4th, my credit card Fraud Squad called me to verify over $1200 that my husband had spent on MY card on wire transfers to porn women, and I left the house within 2 hours and never went back. I filed for divorce within the week.
English Garden, you and many others here on Sober Recovery were the reason that I believed, even though I didn't understand it, that I had done the right thing to leave him. You folks told me it was bad, and it took me a long time to understand what you meant, but at some gut level, I believed you and I did not go back to him. I had no insight as to what had happened to me. You guys did. Thank God.
I didn't know what abuse was. I didn't recognize it. I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't stop it. And as a result, I lived it and diminished myself profoundly.
What you have said in this thread is so profoundly important, and has changed the course of my life for the better. Yet, in the beginning, it made little sense to me, and I countered the posts you and others made to try to wake me up with defenses of my husband.
In my mind, he was the one who mattered, and I was subordinate to him. My role was to figure out what he needed and provide it. Even if it damaged me. And, in retrospect, even if it damaged him and/or he didn't want it.
It was so insidious. After 20 years of marriage, his overt abuse had permeated into my very soul and changed the color and timbre of who I was and how I lived.
I lost myself. He moved me to the top of a small mountain in an isolated state apart from my family, friends, and church. I went willingly. In small ways he told me that I wasn't capable. I couldn't keep the financial records straight. I couldn't get my business off the ground because I wasn't doing it as he said it should be done. I was a bad driver and it was safer if he drove. I didn't make good decisions, and I should check with him. And on and on, a little here, a little there, eventually like the drip of the waterfall that erodes the granite.
I didn't see it. He was so intelligent, so charismatic, so, well just "SO much more" than I was in ever extending circles.
His drinking grew more and more excessive, and I thought I was a good wife taking care of a sick husband, you know, "till death do us part".
We got older, he got sicker, he drank more and more, and new friends didn't stay around long. I got physically sick and sicker, most of it auto-immune diseases caused or exacerbated by stress. A few years after our marriage, my body weight doubled and I was no longer the beautiful young successful businesswoman he had swept off her feet a few years before. He alienated and attacked my now grown children, his stepchildren. Most of his own children disowned him. I believed my marriage vows, and I believed the problems were mine, and I stayed.
His use of porn became an addiction, then, finally a weapon against me. Long drunken tirades late into the night about how inadequate I was, how I should learn from porn stars, anything and everything to aggrandize himself by blaming and diminishing me. I fought against it, I didn't want to listen, I cried and pleaded and yelled for him to stop, but he wouldn't. He didn't. If I went to bed and left him downstairs, he would fall and knock over chairs and sometimes hit his head, so I stayed up. He would threaten to hang himself from the loft railing where I would see him in the morning. Sometimes I would sleep in the spare bedroom, but he would pick the lock in the night and insist I come back to bed.
This is a cautionary tale. English Garden is right. Everything she says in her post is true. If even one sentence of it sets off a tingling in you, a feeling of unease, listen to those feelings. Bring it out into the open. Listen to your gut. Then, once you leave, listen to your brain and not your aching heart which will say you can't live without him.
Truth was, for me, I can't live with him. I lose my "self".
People here told here that I was a victim of abuse, of gaslighting, of Stockholm syndrome. All of that was - is - true.
Now, after almost 9 months free and on my own, I find that I have resurrected myself, and the woman I used to be is emerging again. I am contented most of the time, finding less and less of the rollercoast of emotions from denial, grief, anger, longing, rage, despair, in between the growing times of peace. My health is gradually improving, and I am enjoying myself more and more, making friends and a new happier life.
I am near retirement age, and when I left, I was desperately afraid that I could not support myself on my own. And at that point, I couldn't have. As I heal, though, I have found resources within myself that I had forgotten, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, and that I may even thrive. God has been good to me, once I asked.
This is such a profound, life-changing, health-making site if you let it be. My deepest thanks to English Garden for her eloquence in those early days when I just couldn't hear - or believe - the truth of what had happened to me.
Abuse is powerful, sly, insidious, nasty, despairing, evil, and destructive. It is like deadly sucker vines that infiltrate a garden, never showing themselves above ground, but finally the roots of the flowers are strangled and you don't know why there are no blooms. It can kill your soul.
I had to come to believe in it before I could free myself. What I did not acknowledge I could not eradicate. A journey well worth taking.
ShootingStar1
Besides his raging and abusive verbal treatment, his addiction to porn had exploded, and he was taunting me with it and using it as a weapon against me and decrying my inadequacy as a woman. On July 4th, my credit card Fraud Squad called me to verify over $1200 that my husband had spent on MY card on wire transfers to porn women, and I left the house within 2 hours and never went back. I filed for divorce within the week.
English Garden, you and many others here on Sober Recovery were the reason that I believed, even though I didn't understand it, that I had done the right thing to leave him. You folks told me it was bad, and it took me a long time to understand what you meant, but at some gut level, I believed you and I did not go back to him. I had no insight as to what had happened to me. You guys did. Thank God.
I didn't know what abuse was. I didn't recognize it. I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't stop it. And as a result, I lived it and diminished myself profoundly.
What you have said in this thread is so profoundly important, and has changed the course of my life for the better. Yet, in the beginning, it made little sense to me, and I countered the posts you and others made to try to wake me up with defenses of my husband.
In my mind, he was the one who mattered, and I was subordinate to him. My role was to figure out what he needed and provide it. Even if it damaged me. And, in retrospect, even if it damaged him and/or he didn't want it.
It was so insidious. After 20 years of marriage, his overt abuse had permeated into my very soul and changed the color and timbre of who I was and how I lived.
I lost myself. He moved me to the top of a small mountain in an isolated state apart from my family, friends, and church. I went willingly. In small ways he told me that I wasn't capable. I couldn't keep the financial records straight. I couldn't get my business off the ground because I wasn't doing it as he said it should be done. I was a bad driver and it was safer if he drove. I didn't make good decisions, and I should check with him. And on and on, a little here, a little there, eventually like the drip of the waterfall that erodes the granite.
I didn't see it. He was so intelligent, so charismatic, so, well just "SO much more" than I was in ever extending circles.
His drinking grew more and more excessive, and I thought I was a good wife taking care of a sick husband, you know, "till death do us part".
We got older, he got sicker, he drank more and more, and new friends didn't stay around long. I got physically sick and sicker, most of it auto-immune diseases caused or exacerbated by stress. A few years after our marriage, my body weight doubled and I was no longer the beautiful young successful businesswoman he had swept off her feet a few years before. He alienated and attacked my now grown children, his stepchildren. Most of his own children disowned him. I believed my marriage vows, and I believed the problems were mine, and I stayed.
His use of porn became an addiction, then, finally a weapon against me. Long drunken tirades late into the night about how inadequate I was, how I should learn from porn stars, anything and everything to aggrandize himself by blaming and diminishing me. I fought against it, I didn't want to listen, I cried and pleaded and yelled for him to stop, but he wouldn't. He didn't. If I went to bed and left him downstairs, he would fall and knock over chairs and sometimes hit his head, so I stayed up. He would threaten to hang himself from the loft railing where I would see him in the morning. Sometimes I would sleep in the spare bedroom, but he would pick the lock in the night and insist I come back to bed.
This is a cautionary tale. English Garden is right. Everything she says in her post is true. If even one sentence of it sets off a tingling in you, a feeling of unease, listen to those feelings. Bring it out into the open. Listen to your gut. Then, once you leave, listen to your brain and not your aching heart which will say you can't live without him.
Truth was, for me, I can't live with him. I lose my "self".
People here told here that I was a victim of abuse, of gaslighting, of Stockholm syndrome. All of that was - is - true.
Now, after almost 9 months free and on my own, I find that I have resurrected myself, and the woman I used to be is emerging again. I am contented most of the time, finding less and less of the rollercoast of emotions from denial, grief, anger, longing, rage, despair, in between the growing times of peace. My health is gradually improving, and I am enjoying myself more and more, making friends and a new happier life.
I am near retirement age, and when I left, I was desperately afraid that I could not support myself on my own. And at that point, I couldn't have. As I heal, though, I have found resources within myself that I had forgotten, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, and that I may even thrive. God has been good to me, once I asked.
This is such a profound, life-changing, health-making site if you let it be. My deepest thanks to English Garden for her eloquence in those early days when I just couldn't hear - or believe - the truth of what had happened to me.
Abuse is powerful, sly, insidious, nasty, despairing, evil, and destructive. It is like deadly sucker vines that infiltrate a garden, never showing themselves above ground, but finally the roots of the flowers are strangled and you don't know why there are no blooms. It can kill your soul.
I had to come to believe in it before I could free myself. What I did not acknowledge I could not eradicate. A journey well worth taking.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Bravo Lady!
Beautiful post.
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
I came to this forum last June with a powerful, dominant and abusive alcoholic husband of almost 20 years, who had almost died in a restaurant and was taken by ambulance to the ER with a blood alcohol level of .329. I wanted to understand what that meant. He said he was not an alcoholic. I came here to learn what I was up against. No, I came here to learn what HE was up against.
Besides his raging and abusive verbal treatment, his addiction to porn had exploded, and he was taunting me with it and using it as a weapon against me and decrying my inadequacy as a woman. On July 4th, my credit card Fraud Squad called me to verify over $1200 that my husband had spent on MY card on wire transfers to porn women, and I left the house within 2 hours and never went back. I filed for divorce within the week.
English Garden, you and many others here on Sober Recovery were the reason that I believed, even though I didn't understand it, that I had done the right thing to leave him. You folks told me it was bad, and it took me a long time to understand what you meant, but at some gut level, I believed you and I did not go back to him. I had no insight as to what had happened to me. You guys did. Thank God.
I didn't know what abuse was. I didn't recognize it. I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't stop it. And as a result, I lived it and diminished myself profoundly.
What you have said in this thread is so profoundly important, and has changed the course of my life for the better. Yet, in the beginning, it made little sense to me, and I countered the posts you and others made to try to wake me up with defenses of my husband.
In my mind, he was the one who mattered, and I was subordinate to him. My role was to figure out what he needed and provide it. Even if it damaged me. And, in retrospect, even if it damaged him and/or he didn't want it.
It was so insidious. After 20 years of marriage, his overt abuse had permeated into my very soul and changed the color and timbre of who I was and how I lived.
I lost myself. He moved me to the top of a small mountain in an isolated state apart from my family, friends, and church. I went willingly. In small ways he told me that I wasn't capable. I couldn't keep the financial records straight. I couldn't get my business off the ground because I wasn't doing it as he said it should be done. I was a bad driver and it was safer if he drove. I didn't make good decisions, and I should check with him. And on and on, a little here, a little there, eventually like the drip of the waterfall that erodes the granite.
I didn't see it. He was so intelligent, so charismatic, so, well just "SO much more" than I was in ever extending circles.
His drinking grew more and more excessive, and I thought I was a good wife taking care of a sick husband, you know, "till death do us part".
We got older, he got sicker, he drank more and more, and new friends didn't stay around long. I got physically sick and sicker, most of it auto-immune diseases caused or exacerbated by stress. A few years after our marriage, my body weight doubled and I was no longer the beautiful young successful businesswoman he had swept off her feet a few years before. He alienated and attacked my now grown children, his stepchildren. Most of his own children disowned him. I believed my marriage vows, and I believed the problems were mine, and I stayed.
His use of porn became an addiction, then, finally a weapon against me. Long drunken tirades late into the night about how inadequate I was, how I should learn from porn stars, anything and everything to aggrandize himself by blaming and diminishing me. I fought against it, I didn't want to listen, I cried and pleaded and yelled for him to stop, but he wouldn't. He didn't. If I went to bed and left him downstairs, he would fall and knock over chairs and sometimes hit his head, so I stayed up. He would threaten to hang himself from the loft railing where I would see him in the morning. Sometimes I would sleep in the spare bedroom, but he would pick the lock in the night and insist I come back to bed.
This is a cautionary tale. English Garden is right. Everything she says in her post is true. If even one sentence of it sets off a tingling in you, a feeling of unease, listen to those feelings. Bring it out into the open. Listen to your gut. Then, once you leave, listen to your brain and not your aching heart which will say you can't live without him.
Truth was, for me, I can't live with him. I lose my "self".
People here told here that I was a victim of abuse, of gaslighting, of Stockholm syndrome. All of that was - is - true.
Now, after almost 9 months free and on my own, I find that I have resurrected myself, and the woman I used to be is emerging again. I am contented most of the time, finding less and less of the rollercoast of emotions from denial, grief, anger, longing, rage, despair, in between the growing times of peace. My health is gradually improving, and I am enjoying myself more and more, making friends and a new happier life.
I am near retirement age, and when I left, I was desperately afraid that I could not support myself on my own. And at that point, I couldn't have. As I heal, thought, I have found resources within myself that I had forgotten, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, and that I may even thrive. God has been good to me, once I asked.
This is such a profound, life-changing, health-making site if you let it be. My deepest thanks to English Garden for her eloquence in those early days when I just couldn't hear - or believe - the truth of what had happened to me.
Abuse is powerful, sly, insidious, nasty, despairing, evil, and destructive. It is like deadly sucker vines that infiltrate a garden, never showing themselves above ground, but finally the roots of the flowers are strangled and you don't know why there are no blooms. It can kill your soul.
I had to come to believe in it before I could free myself. What I did not acknowledge I could not eradicate. A journey well worth taking.
ShootingStar1
Besides his raging and abusive verbal treatment, his addiction to porn had exploded, and he was taunting me with it and using it as a weapon against me and decrying my inadequacy as a woman. On July 4th, my credit card Fraud Squad called me to verify over $1200 that my husband had spent on MY card on wire transfers to porn women, and I left the house within 2 hours and never went back. I filed for divorce within the week.
English Garden, you and many others here on Sober Recovery were the reason that I believed, even though I didn't understand it, that I had done the right thing to leave him. You folks told me it was bad, and it took me a long time to understand what you meant, but at some gut level, I believed you and I did not go back to him. I had no insight as to what had happened to me. You guys did. Thank God.
I didn't know what abuse was. I didn't recognize it. I didn't acknowledge it. I didn't stop it. And as a result, I lived it and diminished myself profoundly.
What you have said in this thread is so profoundly important, and has changed the course of my life for the better. Yet, in the beginning, it made little sense to me, and I countered the posts you and others made to try to wake me up with defenses of my husband.
In my mind, he was the one who mattered, and I was subordinate to him. My role was to figure out what he needed and provide it. Even if it damaged me. And, in retrospect, even if it damaged him and/or he didn't want it.
It was so insidious. After 20 years of marriage, his overt abuse had permeated into my very soul and changed the color and timbre of who I was and how I lived.
I lost myself. He moved me to the top of a small mountain in an isolated state apart from my family, friends, and church. I went willingly. In small ways he told me that I wasn't capable. I couldn't keep the financial records straight. I couldn't get my business off the ground because I wasn't doing it as he said it should be done. I was a bad driver and it was safer if he drove. I didn't make good decisions, and I should check with him. And on and on, a little here, a little there, eventually like the drip of the waterfall that erodes the granite.
I didn't see it. He was so intelligent, so charismatic, so, well just "SO much more" than I was in ever extending circles.
His drinking grew more and more excessive, and I thought I was a good wife taking care of a sick husband, you know, "till death do us part".
We got older, he got sicker, he drank more and more, and new friends didn't stay around long. I got physically sick and sicker, most of it auto-immune diseases caused or exacerbated by stress. A few years after our marriage, my body weight doubled and I was no longer the beautiful young successful businesswoman he had swept off her feet a few years before. He alienated and attacked my now grown children, his stepchildren. Most of his own children disowned him. I believed my marriage vows, and I believed the problems were mine, and I stayed.
His use of porn became an addiction, then, finally a weapon against me. Long drunken tirades late into the night about how inadequate I was, how I should learn from porn stars, anything and everything to aggrandize himself by blaming and diminishing me. I fought against it, I didn't want to listen, I cried and pleaded and yelled for him to stop, but he wouldn't. He didn't. If I went to bed and left him downstairs, he would fall and knock over chairs and sometimes hit his head, so I stayed up. He would threaten to hang himself from the loft railing where I would see him in the morning. Sometimes I would sleep in the spare bedroom, but he would pick the lock in the night and insist I come back to bed.
This is a cautionary tale. English Garden is right. Everything she says in her post is true. If even one sentence of it sets off a tingling in you, a feeling of unease, listen to those feelings. Bring it out into the open. Listen to your gut. Then, once you leave, listen to your brain and not your aching heart which will say you can't live without him.
Truth was, for me, I can't live with him. I lose my "self".
People here told here that I was a victim of abuse, of gaslighting, of Stockholm syndrome. All of that was - is - true.
Now, after almost 9 months free and on my own, I find that I have resurrected myself, and the woman I used to be is emerging again. I am contented most of the time, finding less and less of the rollercoast of emotions from denial, grief, anger, longing, rage, despair, in between the growing times of peace. My health is gradually improving, and I am enjoying myself more and more, making friends and a new happier life.
I am near retirement age, and when I left, I was desperately afraid that I could not support myself on my own. And at that point, I couldn't have. As I heal, thought, I have found resources within myself that I had forgotten, and I am beginning to believe that I will survive, and that I may even thrive. God has been good to me, once I asked.
This is such a profound, life-changing, health-making site if you let it be. My deepest thanks to English Garden for her eloquence in those early days when I just couldn't hear - or believe - the truth of what had happened to me.
Abuse is powerful, sly, insidious, nasty, despairing, evil, and destructive. It is like deadly sucker vines that infiltrate a garden, never showing themselves above ground, but finally the roots of the flowers are strangled and you don't know why there are no blooms. It can kill your soul.
I had to come to believe in it before I could free myself. What I did not acknowledge I could not eradicate. A journey well worth taking.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Thank you!
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Because the word "abuse" is used so often on the forum ("He is so abusive." "She is not abusive."), and because the loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts so often minimize the abusive behaviors of the addicted individual, I needed to look up the definition of the word "abuse," which is used both as a verb and a noun.
Here are a few phrases in the definitions I found:
"to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way"
"bad or improper treatment"
"an outburst of harsh or scathing words, often against one who is defenseless."
Physical abuse is always easy to call. But mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is not as easy to name, and many loved ones of addicts downplay the harm being done to them or to other family members because this kind of abuse doesn't raise a welt.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused.
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
Alcoholics are not responsible for the biological disease of addiction they suffer. But they are responsible for its treatment. They are responsible for the damage they have done and are doing. They are responsible for the damage they will do tomorrow. They are responsible for not going to AA today, tomorrow, and the next day. They are responsible for not seeing an addiction doctor. They are responsible for not seeing a counselor for the long term to regain mental health and to deal with the core motivations behind escape into intoxication as a means of dealing with life.
If an alcoholic is still in the home, has been drinking for years, and the spouse is afraid of him or her, if the children are emotionally abandoned by him or her, and if the only stable ingredient in the family is the certainty that tomorrow is going to be another painful day, then it is, in my opinion, time for the alcoholic to be put out of the house, because he or she is abusive.
Somehow people along the way get so confused that they make the alcoholic more important than everyone else. It's crazy but it's part of the syndrome. They think the alcoholic must not be expected to stay sober, to go to AA every day for the rest of his life if that is what it takes to stay sober, to treat the spouse with loving regard, and to be accountable as a parent to his children.
They give the alcoholic a pass. He convinces them, in fact threatens them in the most subtle and coercive manner, to never take the action which will topple him or her from the throne of power (and the self-pity of the alcoholic is as powerful as the spewing vitriol of language). Astonishingly, the alcoholic, male or female, remains king.
Alcoholics are abusers. And no one, especially a child, should ever have to learn how to survive life with one in the house.
In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the loved one of an alcoholic to get professional guidance to change the status quo in the alcoholic home. To then practice new ways of reacting to the alcoholic for a set amount of time. And if the alcoholic does not enter recovery in that time, he or she is out.
The alcoholic does not get to be the most important person in the family.
Here are a few phrases in the definitions I found:
"to treat in a harmful, injurious or offensive way"
"bad or improper treatment"
"an outburst of harsh or scathing words, often against one who is defenseless."
Physical abuse is always easy to call. But mental, emotional and spiritual abuse is not as easy to name, and many loved ones of addicts downplay the harm being done to them or to other family members because this kind of abuse doesn't raise a welt.
If an alcoholic with a family stays out all night or most of the night drinking or using, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic makes his or her children afraid, that is abusive.
If an alcoholic will not listen to a spouse's feelings or concerns without interrupting the spouse with anger, derision, or belittling, that is abusive.
If a spouse is afraid to leave the home for fear that the alcoholic will either hurt the children or burn down the house, that spouse is being abused.
If a spouse is afraid to have an evening out with friends while accompanied by the alcoholic for fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed by a drunk partner, that spouse is being abused.
If the spouse of an alcoholic is taking the children to therapy because an alcoholic is creating chronic anxiety in them, then the spouse and the children are all being abused.
I have never seen nor heard of anyone in active addiction who lives a life that is the opposite of abusive: who treats others in a gentle, supportive, and uplifting way. Whose treatment of those closest to him or her is good and proper. Who can be safely trusted not to use harsh or scathing words, especially against one who is defenseless.
Alcoholics damage people. They shatter the fragile sense of self-worth of the growing child. They drain away the vital life force of their partners. They poison the home.
Alcoholics are abusive. If anyone lives with an alcoholic who does not hit and therefore defines that alcoholic as someone who is not "abusive", the definition of abuse has been misinterpreted.
Alcoholics are not responsible for the biological disease of addiction they suffer. But they are responsible for its treatment. They are responsible for the damage they have done and are doing. They are responsible for the damage they will do tomorrow. They are responsible for not going to AA today, tomorrow, and the next day. They are responsible for not seeing an addiction doctor. They are responsible for not seeing a counselor for the long term to regain mental health and to deal with the core motivations behind escape into intoxication as a means of dealing with life.
If an alcoholic is still in the home, has been drinking for years, and the spouse is afraid of him or her, if the children are emotionally abandoned by him or her, and if the only stable ingredient in the family is the certainty that tomorrow is going to be another painful day, then it is, in my opinion, time for the alcoholic to be put out of the house, because he or she is abusive.
Somehow people along the way get so confused that they make the alcoholic more important than everyone else. It's crazy but it's part of the syndrome. They think the alcoholic must not be expected to stay sober, to go to AA every day for the rest of his life if that is what it takes to stay sober, to treat the spouse with loving regard, and to be accountable as a parent to his children.
They give the alcoholic a pass. He convinces them, in fact threatens them in the most subtle and coercive manner, to never take the action which will topple him or her from the throne of power (and the self-pity of the alcoholic is as powerful as the spewing vitriol of language). Astonishingly, the alcoholic, male or female, remains king.
Alcoholics are abusers. And no one, especially a child, should ever have to learn how to survive life with one in the house.
In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the loved one of an alcoholic to get professional guidance to change the status quo in the alcoholic home. To then practice new ways of reacting to the alcoholic for a set amount of time. And if the alcoholic does not enter recovery in that time, he or she is out.
The alcoholic does not get to be the most important person in the family.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thank you very much for this post ~
I too am one of the women that stayed for many years - regretfully I share often how I allowed my daughters to be exposed to this unhealthy environment and today as adults they still bear the scars of their childhood ~
I remember praying that my exAH would hit me, so then I could be justified in leaving because then it would be "abuse". In recovery, I learned it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse and I always have a choice to leave whenever I want - regardless of what anyone else says ~
May the true meaning of abuse, the reality of the fact that we have choices and the message of HOPE always be share with those who need it the most ~ the spouses and children of alcoholics and addicts
pink hugs always,
I too am one of the women that stayed for many years - regretfully I share often how I allowed my daughters to be exposed to this unhealthy environment and today as adults they still bear the scars of their childhood ~
I remember praying that my exAH would hit me, so then I could be justified in leaving because then it would be "abuse". In recovery, I learned it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse and I always have a choice to leave whenever I want - regardless of what anyone else says ~
May the true meaning of abuse, the reality of the fact that we have choices and the message of HOPE always be share with those who need it the most ~ the spouses and children of alcoholics and addicts
pink hugs always,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Thank you EG and ShootingStar.
All of you here set me straight too - it was abuse that I endured. Even though I have a protection order and we only communicate via email about the children - he is still trying to abuse and control me.
I understand it now. I don't engage him, despite his efforts to suck me in. But, the motions of this legal process give him an "in." I will be so grateful when this divorce is done.
Thanks again. I never fail to find strength and inspiration here when I most need it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
All of you here set me straight too - it was abuse that I endured. Even though I have a protection order and we only communicate via email about the children - he is still trying to abuse and control me.
I understand it now. I don't engage him, despite his efforts to suck me in. But, the motions of this legal process give him an "in." I will be so grateful when this divorce is done.
Thanks again. I never fail to find strength and inspiration here when I most need it.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: ca
Posts: 13
thank you. i have been dealing with abuse from my alcoholic babys dad for the past 3 years. this last year sober he claims. i have been called a bad mom by him, a c*** & dirty wh***, told very confusing things as he changes reality around to fit whatever he feels at the moment. he tells me he will take our sonfrom me then tells me im a great mom & he sure does appriciate all the hard work ive been doing. i have been sitting here reading all your posts for the last 8 months trying to understand what the heck is going on. all i wanted was a family. i believed every word he said. since hes been 'sober' he has gotten worse with his behavior of me. i have almost had a nervous breakdown over all this & just trying to understand why this is happening. he has been back & forth for the past 8 months. and yes, i let him in every time. i kept hoping i would finally see the man i knew but it seems he is gone. replaced with someone who doesnt give a fig about me. and still im sad. i do not like being talked to like im trash & given cold shoulder. but i remember the man i loved & i miss him terribly. i keep hoping that the fog will clear & he will remember he loved me once. 30 years of alcohol abuse damages the mind & im sure it is not cleared in a year but why? i know when he says he drinks because of me that its not true, hes an alcoholic, he will drink because its tuesday or whatever. hes been drinking for 30 years, i have only known him for 3 1/2...obviously i am not responsible for it. but it still cuts to be accused of being the problem. it hurts to go from being 'special' which is what he used to call me, to being someone he was only with because he was drunk & would never want to be with sober, which is what he tells me now...i dont know. im not sure why im here. i guess to understand what was happening. i tend to have pollyanna glasses & i guess it had to be beaten into my head to make me see. i was never special. i was stupid. sucks for me. he is just happily moving on to the next ex but im stuck in emotional pain that just seems to grow as i have to see him on child exchanges & he acts like i am nothing. i just wished for him to get sober & be father to our son & a partner to me. now i feel i am being punished even more for what...? i guess for having him move out to get sober, for forgiving him, for supporting him thru 1st yr of sobriety, for loving him. im not sure anymore. i believed in him. i believed in the man under the alcohol but it seems that man never was real. i was hoping all this was just recovery. it takes time for the mind to recover & to learn new behaviors. i wanted to be supportive & be there when that time came...but im thinking now that that time will never come. im thinking that doing the steps does not involve cutting person closest as deep as you can all in the name of recovery, which is what he had been doing. telling me this was recovery. while still verbally stripping me down or ignoring me with a week of nice thrown in occasionally just to keep me off guard. i do not want to let go but i guess i have no choice, im holding on to nothing but myself. he was never really there i guess. i dont know. i cry alot & keep asking why?! but there is no answer. folk just tell me these things happen & i got to roll with it & just move on. but im thinking i do not know how i can ever trust anything anyone says again. i truelly believed & finding it was all...i dont even know what. a game? a 2 1/2 yr one night stand? i have been greatly injured by this. i have tried alanon but it doesnt seem to fit me. i research online all info on alcoholism that i can find. i talk to my pastor & some church friends but peace is very slow coming. i guess i need to face facts. he is abusive. i wish it werent so. i have tried forgiving & just ignoring bad behavior but i cant anymore. i have a big empty whole where he uses to be & this sucks. thanks for listening. i guess i needed to vent. peace & chicken grease to all you all. thank you for being here. i have learned alot i wish i never had to know
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